Anxiety Over Past Events

[Guest JP]

It's been awhile since I've posted anything personal on ExC. I must say that I have been suffering the past few days, both physically and mentally.

 

Since last Monday night I've been quite ill; I missed four days of work and finally went to the doctor on Friday. I had a 103.1 temperature, and it turned out that I had strep throat. Now I'm on antibiotics and on the mend, and I'm returning to work tomorrow, thank goodness.

 

However, mentally I'm not doing so well. For awhile now, I've found that I'm becoming more and more paranoid about supernatural things, and things having to do with religion. It seems that in the two years I've been with this site, not much has changed. I'm still the same old obsessive, worrying neurotic person I've always been. It's affecting my personal life, my job, everything. And I honestly don't know what I can do anymore. I know that antidepressants won't help; been there, done that. Every therapist I've been to hasn't been able to help me.

 

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to be able to get over the events of the past 5 years. Mr. Brady, psychics, odd occurrences and patterns in my life...I'm still grappling with it all. Somehow I've been able to hold down a job and a social life and kind of ignore all the drama going on in my mind.

 

Over the past couple of days, I've been obsessing over something that happened two years ago. I was going through a very hard time, and I remember I was sitting at my desk at work. I was thinking about religion most likely, and I heard a strange voice from within me. It didn't seem to be in my mind, but within me. It was loud and asked me if I believed that Jesus was the Son of God. In my mind, I said no (apparently I was taking it seriously.) I then immediately felt guilty; then, I felt as if something left my body, like my soul or the Holy Spirit or something. I felt it leave and felt a profound emptiness, like I no longer had a conscience. That event has bothered me for a long time. Was it God? Was it Satan? Or was it all in my mind? Do I not have a conscience?

 

Maybe I'm just having a bad couple of days. I don't really wanna stay in this funk. Any comments on what I just wrote would be appreciated. Thank you all for reading and I hope you have a wonderful week.

 

JP

[Taphophilia]

JP,

 

I was invited to a Christmas party at my new neighbors house and she told me that her son had tried to commit suicide when he was 15. They were going to church and her son was hearing voices he thought was Jesus and was doing a lot of religious rituals to keep himself "safe". The family left Christianity when this happened.

 

When I heard what she said, I thought of you and told her that other people are affected by that and mentioned someone I knew on this forum (no names) who has similar problems. She was so thankful that her son wasn't the only one out there. None of the psychiatrists or counselors had said there are others. She called her son and told him that he wasn't alone.

 

I just thought you'd like to know that.

 

Taph

[qadeshet]

There are many possibilities which may explain your experience. However, it does sound a lot like Archetypal Projection. Rather than go into a long explanation, you might check out the article below.

 

Non-parental Archetypes in Projection

[pandora]

JP, if you lost your conscience and the "holy spirit" you would have lost it a long time ago, not merely a few days ago. *hugs* I can only imagine your confusion...

 

I know counseling from a psychologist doesn't work for everyone, and I know you've tried it, but is it possible to seek out a new one? One that would be supportive of you, and a psychiatrist willing to try other medications (as in not only antidepressants) for your problems? You can PM me with the answer, and only if you want to, but which ones did you try? How long were you on them? Who prescribed them (family doc or psychiatrist)? Did you take them as directed, consistently?

 

I know this is difficult for you, but I think you might need medical attention. There's only so much we can help. None of this is your fault at all and you need a highly trained person to help you out. We'll be here for you, whatever you choose.

 

As a side note, have you tried looking at spirituality outside of Christianity? For those with a spiritual bent, sometimes it can help people deal with life and project all those feelings and energies to something positive.

[Guest Reelidgeown]

I used to think about religion 100% of the time, arguing in my head so much that sometimes I would play tricks on myself to make things connect logically. Again, another sign I was insane.

 

I don't know for sure if this is what happened in your situation but I'm just throwing it out there as a possibility. I know the mind can create hallucinations that you will believe to be the truth. In my situation I contemplate things so much that my subconscious bring things back to the surface after I have even stopped thinking about it for a while. I've had extremely weird dreams, which when I woke up from, I would have to think for a VERY long time (I would sit in my bed and test myself to see if I'm really the type of person I was in the dream) to conclude if they were true or not. I would not rule out that it was just a trick your mind was playing on you. You remind me a lot like myself, a worry wart. So I would think your mind might play the same tricks it has played on me.

 

I also had a weird situation a few years ago, I was walking home from school and some weird guy said watch out (this is what I told myself) or something before I was about to walk out onto the street. As I turned back to see who it was a car passed right in front of me. This is one of my memories I have of the event. However my brain tells me some other information, because since at that time I was searching for something that showed god was real, my brain used that event as proof. The other memory I have (which I know is true) is that the man was crazy and he said some random BS to me. And the car that passed right in front of me a second after he said that was actually quite far away. I wouldn't have been hit even if I stood there for a few seconds. I always look both ways before crossing, as I have already been hit by a car so that's how I know my brain is fooling with me.

 

Religion can really fuck someone up.

[LosingMyReligion]

I don't know how long it has been since you deconverted, but I did so over a year ago. Since I am going to reveal something a little personal I might as well brace for whatever. Long story short I recently got off anxiety medication for the exact samething. I was on it for a several months due to anxiety attacks and insomnia(due to the anxiety attacks). My existence was that of a zombie. For 4 weeks straight, I kid you not, I did not sleep. My irrational fear drove me to the brink of insanity.

I was so afraid of death, hell, and torture that I couldn't function at a normal level. I was dealing with so many issues at that time, but the deconversion was numero uno.

Anyway, I stayed in therapy, weekly, for seven months while on the medication. I no longer need it, and those thoughts of persecution have less of an impact on my life. I won't lie and say that I don't think about it like, "What if I'm wrong?" However, my therapist gave me the tools for rationality. Furthermore, simply indulging my curiousity regarding the issue(I read alot about religion now, even though I'm an athiest)has helped tremendously.

 

I hope you get through it because it is scary as hell. But believe me it is irrational. Your mind if playing outrageous tricks on you. God didn't leave you because it wasn't there in the first place.

[chefranden]

This isn't a pleasant idea, but have you ever been tested for schizophrenia?

[Unknowing1]

Honestly, I think you should keep trying the therapist route. While I realize it can be a pain to do, you sometimes have to keep trying different ones until you find the right one for you.

[narcissist]

I'm no expert but...

 

Sometimes the best therapy is simply to talk, or write, about it. In a way that's really all therapists do anyway isn't it? I tried "therapists" and drugs for a while, for "family" probs as well as religion, but nevertheless, each had their place and their time, but ultimately just the opportunity to talk about it with sympathetic friends was a significant help.

 

A number of people have told me that a diary is a good thing. Writing the thoughts down, drawign pictures, whatever, and seeing what was in your head on paper or on screen somehow "extracts" the thoughts from your head, puts them somewhere else and allows your head to go and think about other things.

 

My home is full of bits of paper and notebooks that are filled with all kinds of thoughts and writings, and so is my computer, and some of it's on this website. Some of these thoughts are silly, others reasonably profound, on all kinds of subjects, from religion to politics to women to plans for the future. Either way, the writing of them and review of them have helped a lot in my recovery, both from family and Christianity, and allowed me to better engage with the real world.

 

Remember, we're here for you buddy.

[Jella]

I've been in therapy for about three months now, and have been on Wellbutrin for better than two. Since they've upped my dose, I can't seem to write or express my thoughts very well. ( I can't tell you how many posts I've just dumped because I just can't get my point across) The good thing is that reading this board ( mostly) along with others has helped me in the sense that I don't have as much anxiety as I had prior. Religion has been at the forefront of my thoughts for over a year now, so it's nice to lose some of the anxiety.

 

I'm still having health problems, and my legs wake me up every night after just two hours of sleep. I can sometimes fall back asleep, but it's generally just for two hours. It seems that's all the sleep I can get at a time. I've had many nights that I've only sleep maybe a couple hours and I drag all day long, yet can't sleep. It's torture. If I had a job, no doubt I would have been fired by now.

 

I know how you feel JP, and you too LMR... you are not alone. I have a pretty good therapist, so I'm hoping with time I can get through this, though I admit after a year or so of this I want it fixed now. I use to write a few years ago when I first started feeling this way, and it did help back then, however, the worst it got the less I could write. I found myself watching hours a day of those relgious channels, and would get so pissed I could spit nails. I hate religion, and really all I want is to be able to go back to a time when I could tolerate it, maybe that's a pipe dream now, but it is my goal. I have lost a few people I became fond of online over the last 18 months, because they are christian, and while I don't attack them personally, they don't seem to either understand how deeply I was/am hurt by religion, or they just don't know how to talk to me about it. Many others have taken it personally, and these were the same folks that use to coin the phrase. "everybody is offended by something".... ya well fuck them.

 

I don't know if I helped you at all, and I guess I ranted more than I offered any advice, but I've found that we all are just too different for a one sure fire fix. Just know you're not alone, and really if you would like to PM me, I'm all ears man.

[garrisonjj]

It's been awhile since I've posted anything personal on ExC. I must say that I have been suffering the past few days, both physically and mentally.

 

Find a good psychitriast who can counsel you and get you on the right meds. Then, stick with them and follow advice. You will be fine! You are a tremendous thinking person who wants to better yourself.

We all have doubts and demons we deal with every day. Best wishes and keep calm, everything will work out in this process we call life. Be well.

[StewartP]

Holy crap! JP that sucks!

 

Listen, this whole religion thing is very seductive, that's why it works. That's why it's so popular.

 

Millions and millions of people all over the world all worshiping God/Allah/Ganesh/Krishna/whatever. because they're all right? NOOO! !

 

Because, (IMO) our brains are wired for the mystical. Some evolutionary path in our past made the mystic a beneficial adaptation. Maybe because it helped the tribe to stick together, who knows.

 

In our modern state we use our reason, and logic, and rationality to come to the conclusion there is no god.

 

That's our rational selves. And then, deep in our head, in our homo erectus/cro-magnon dna that ol' mystic thing is still sparking and kicking up -"but what if?, but what if?" There's an itch inside of me to beat a drum around a campfire, put a wolfskin over my head and howl at the moon at midwinter to keep the bad ju-ju away.

 

I don't think it's just you, I think it's in all of us. Some of us keep a tighter lid on it. Some of us have Gronk the caveman a little bit closer to the surface.

 

Bind yourself to your new tribe, us, the ex-christians. Let's draw reassurance from the fact that we are many. Our tribe is BIG, and it's getting bigger every day. We are the clever tribe, the cunning tribe. We have Dawkins, and Einstein, Abe Lincoln, Carl Sagan and Mark Twain as our tribal elders.

 

 

Ok, I lost it a little there. But really, thanks for trusting us. You're amongst a board full of friends and we are all here to support each other.

 

regards

 

Stew

(aka Gronk)

[Eponymic]

I don't really have any other good advice to add on here. Just good feelings!

I deeply hope you figure everything out and it all comes together for you.

Remember, some things take a lot lot longer than others to figure out. Hopefully this is just one of those!

 

Cheers!

[Kurari]

I agree with the others not to give up and keep looking for a therapist.

 

Also, I would ask myself this question: Am I really afraid of the supernatural, or is the supernatural representing a real life problem that I'm afraid of?

 

Maybe it's not the supernatural, but natural occurances that are bothering you. Lately I've been feeling anxious because I'm constantly "waiting for the other shoe to drop." It's the unknown, that out of the blue smite that scares me. Just a suggestion, you don't have to answer me about it, I just know it helps me when I'm having problems to try to figure out where it's coming from.

 

Other than that, keep trying to work through it one peice at at time, that's all I can really suggest. Don't try to get yourself obsessed with everything you need to do and all your problems, try to take it one moment at a time and when you are at your worst, take frequent "time outs" during the day to stop and just sit in the moment.

 

Also, try to take time to dwell on your accomplishments, even if you feel silly or weak or have to force yourself. I know you've already done quite a lot, and it's worth appreciating.