Guest loneflower Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 hey, I am new to these forums. Months back I became an Atheist, I am 16 right now and I am going to be 17 in July. I live in Tennessee, and I live with an extremely religious family, the kind that won't even buy products or shop at stores if they support gays extreme. It is draining to keep it hidden but I am afraid of the consequences. But I really do not want to pretend to be a Christian just to appease anyone. I might have decided to keep it hidden longer if it was not for my younger brother; I don't want him to go through the same religious bullshit I went through. So I am prepared to tell my folks soon about my atheism, and maybe kinda set some kind of example that he doesn't have to believe what they believe if he doesn't want to. I was indoctrinated from a young age and I was taken to plays like Hell's flames & Heaven's gates to scare me and stuff. My parents are extremely bigoted and I as their little robot Christian son of course inherited that bigotry. And I think such bigotry harmed my social development and maybe hurt me mentally cause I have done some weird shit trying to come out of religion. I thought it would be a breeze but it goes way deeper than that and it is hard. Nobody else in my family really even gives it a second thought that it might be religion that messed me up because everyone else is devout Christian. I am the only Atheist, that they don't know about yet of course. Can anyone here relate? I came here in hopes of finding people who could relate and offer tips and advice possibly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Hey Loneflower and welcome. I'm glad that you've found your way out at such a young age. My family doesn't know for sure that I'm no longer a Christian. Though they may suspect. I never felt the need to announce my apostacy. If you do tell your family then I hope it goes well. I've heard some stories here where it did not go well at all. You might try giving yourself plenty of time in all this. There is no schedule to keep. Anyway, once again welcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mythra Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Hi loneflower. Welcome to ex-c. You don't say how much younger your brother is. But, if I had to give advice, I'd say - don't get in a rush. You managed to think for yourself in spite of the attempts of your parents to get you imprinted into their religion. Give your little brother the same benefit. I'd say that it would be more important for you to get solid yourself in what you do and don't believe. Learn all you can. I don't see what you'd gain by just coming out and proclaiming yourself to be an atheist and openly confronting your parents. Seems like it's gonna be really ugly in your family if you do. Your parents won't give up what they see as their right to try and get your little brother thinking like they do. And, you'll be the bad guy in the whole picture. On the other hand, you don't have to lie and pretend to be a christian either. Why not just let your parents know you're thinking things over, and wanting to learn and make up your own mind. Oh, and it is hard escaping from religion. A great majority of us here can attest to that. Just my thoughts - take it for what it's worth. Anyway - we're glad to have you here. You're among friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest loneflower Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 He just turned 11 a few days ago. So isn't really at the age where he has any doubts. Especially with such staunch Christian parents he doesn't really have any room for doubt. We are also home schooled so they have control in that area as well. And the only way he would have access to material opposed to religion would be through the internet, which is how I found material that helped me come out of religion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 I'm always curious about this Loneflower. What information specifically caused you to begin questioning things? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mythra Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 wow. You were homeschooled, and you still managed to avoid going bonzai for Jesus? Now, that's truly amazing. I have to admit, I'm impressed. I would say it's much more common for a homeschooled young person to slowly lose their indoctrination after they get to college. Was your homeschool curriculum religious-based? (kind of a dumb question, I know) It's just that this is very unusual. You must be pretty sharp. And very independent-minded. Stick around here. I'm not so sure that we can't learn more from you than vice-versa. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ensoph Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 If you're not careful, you might find yourself banned from accessing the Internet at home by your parents! BEWARE!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Onyx Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Hey, LoneFlower, I am 17, I am an atheist, I'm one of the long standing members of EXC. You've come to the right place, you'd meet like minded people here. Congrats on escaping fundamentalism. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Idoless Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 I'm 17 too. And I'm homeschooled. But my parents aren't fundies... however, I have known some. It's amazing that you deconverted in an atmosphere like that. You should be really proud of your ability to think critically and analyse things. I hope your parents don't get too crazy when you tell them about your beliefs (or lack thereof). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brad_religion Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 hey, I am new to these forums. Months back I became an Atheist, I am 16 right now and I am going to be 17 in July. I live in Tennessee, and I live with an extremely religious family, the kind that won't even buy products or shop at stores if they support gays extreme. It is draining to keep it hidden but I am afraid of the consequences. But I really do not want to pretend to be a Christian just to appease anyone. I might have decided to keep it hidden longer if it was not for my younger brother; I don't want him to go through the same religious bullshit I went through. So I am prepared to tell my folks soon about my atheism, and maybe kinda set some kind of example that he doesn't have to believe what they believe if he doesn't want to. I was indoctrinated from a young age and I was taken to plays like Hell's flames & Heaven's gates to scare me and stuff. My parents are extremely bigoted and I as their little robot Christian son of course inherited that bigotry. And I think such bigotry harmed my social development and maybe hurt me mentally cause I have done some weird shit trying to come out of religion. I thought it would be a breeze but it goes way deeper than that and it is hard. Nobody else in my family really even gives it a second thought that it might be religion that messed me up because everyone else is devout Christian. I am the only Atheist, that they don't know about yet of course. Can anyone here relate? I came here in hopes of finding people who could relate and offer tips and advice possibly. Hey there loneflower, I can't say I endured that type of religious abuse, but the feelings I got from simply having religion force-fed me by taking me to church is enough to fracture one's mind. I can't imagine having gone through your situation, but if my situation is any indication of the mental chaos I had coming out of christianity, I'm sure yours is amplified much more. If your family is that extreme, it is hard to know what to do. Especially when you have a younger sibling you don't want enduring such a harsh upbringing. It sounds as if you were to tell them you were an atheist, they might disown you. Believe me, that wouldn't be the first time. However, given that you are going to be 17 in July, that means in about 1 1/2 years, you'll be a full grown adult according to the law. If you play your cards right (maybe working as much as you can, saving up all your money, etc), you could afford to live on your own after you turn 18. Also, if you wanted to live on your own and go to college, the government will usually pay you for going to school. For example, I went to a community college and I got a total of $5800 for 1 semester. After tuition and books, my leftover money was like $4700. That was money I could use for whatever I wanted. Now, if you merely worked part time while going to school, you could definitely live on your own. I would say wait til you are out of your parent's house to tell them about being an atheist. Then they couldn't threaten you with any type of tripe. Also, depending on how old your brother is, you might be able to become his legal guardian, if you can prove your parents are abusing him somehow. Not only that, but they would have to pay you child support for him if a court would let him stay with you. If they wouldn't, just call the ACLU and explain the situation, they might be able to help you. I know that sounds a bit extreme, but that is one solution I could think about doing. If your parents disown you or threaten you at all once you tell them the truth, then tell them they care more for their imaginary friend than their own children (people who are insane do such things). Tell them, you would prefer to be honest about what you do and do not believe, than to pretend to believe something you honestly don't believe. If honesty is important to them, they should still love you anyway. If they don't, then fuck them. They aren't worth feeling like shit for. You can leave your door open when they are ready to be adults about it. Until then, don't make an extra effort to give them a foot to step on you (for simply being an atheist). Too many children who are abused that way still leave the door open, even though the parents are not ready to change or accept them, and that causes the abuse to continue. Well, that is my bit of info I can share, and I hope you find it helpful. Matt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
exbeliever Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Loneflower, I've seen a situation similar to yours go very bad. I liked a previous suggestion that you just tell your parents you are thinking things over. Every time they bring up religious stuff, just say something like, "Hmmm, I'm not sure about that; I need to think it over." Ask them a lot of questions about their faith and really listen to their answers. Often, Christians try to flip the burden of proof and start asking tough philosophical questions to which they can simply say, "God did it," and your answer would, necessarily, be extremely complicated (e.g. the question, "How did the universe get here?"). If you keep asking questions, they have to keep giving answers and you can always say that you need to think about it more. You could take a similar approach with your brother. When he repeats something your parents say and you disagree, you can simply say, "I'm still not sure where I stand on that. What if . . . [insert an objection here]?" You will want to be very careful. Also, I can't help but think that even if your parents are a little over the edge, it is still worth keeping a relationship with them. They probably really love you a lot and maybe they are just prisoners of false beliefs like you believe you were for a while as well. I hope you will keep the lines of communication open with your folks. Telling them you are an atheist might really break down the relationship you have with them. Telling them that you are "thinking things through" might be less shocking for them and still provide opportunities for good discussions. Maybe one of you will convince the other, or maybe you will just get to a point where you can't agree. For what it is worth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluewizard Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 hey, I am new to these forums. Months back I became an Atheist, I am 16 right now and I am going to be 17 in July. I live in Tennessee, and I live with an extremely religious family, the kind that won't even buy products or shop at stores if they support gays extreme. It is draining to keep it hidden but I am afraid of the consequences. But I really do not want to pretend to be a Christian just to appease anyone. I might have decided to keep it hidden longer if it was not for my younger brother; I don't want him to go through the same religious bullshit I went through. So I am prepared to tell my folks soon about my atheism, and maybe kinda set some kind of example that he doesn't have to believe what they believe if he doesn't want to. I was indoctrinated from a young age and I was taken to plays like Hell's flames & Heaven's gates to scare me and stuff. My parents are extremely bigoted and I as their little robot Christian son of course inherited that bigotry. And I think such bigotry harmed my social development and maybe hurt me mentally cause I have done some weird shit trying to come out of religion. I thought it would be a breeze but it goes way deeper than that and it is hard. Nobody else in my family really even gives it a second thought that it might be religion that messed me up because everyone else is devout Christian. I am the only Atheist, that they don't know about yet of course. Can anyone here relate? I came here in hopes of finding people who could relate and offer tips and advice possibly. I'm from Tennessee as well and I was about your age when I left Christianity as well. My parents eventually found out and they brought me up in a church as well but i giuss they've gotten used to it a little though they hate that I'm an atheist. Everyone in my family is a Baptist but eventuaqlly you're going to have to tell them and it's good to get that out of the way instead of hiding it forever. What part of Tennessee are you from? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhia Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Hello! I'm 22, but you're the same age as one of my sisters (unfortunately she still calls herself a Christian, but is really a mix of about 5 religions). I came from the same background as you. I was raised in the middle of nowhere, from a very strict AoG background, "saved" at Heaven's Gates & Hell's Flames, etc. (In fact, I'd like to take whoever thought of HGHF, or Hell House, and make them pay, but I can't). :angry: I know where you're coming from, I'm a nearly-fully-out atheist, but I have a boyfriend who is from the same background as myself, but isn't out as an atheist to his family- because he has an 11 year old brother that he's afraid will end up more abused as a result of "coming out". It's really sick, having to pretend and all, but it's what happens sometimes. You're about the age to be looking at University, why not go to your parents about attending a college on the other side of the country, or overseas? My boyfriend and I both go to a Christian college, and it's quite liberal- they've made exceptions for us 2 atheist students in terms of classes. I know where you are, I've felt as trapped as you before. You need to find something, anything, some kind of thing to hang on to that will keep you happy, and clutch it with everything you have. Video games, music, a favourite book, model car making, SOMETHING that will take your mind off it and let you maintain your sanity. Tell them if you want, however you need to- I just hope they wont try to put you under house-arrest or kick you out. Parents can get very weird when their reality is being questioned. I was "kicked out" 5 times but not allowed to leave the house. The yo-yo pattern continued until my mom realized I wasn't evil, a monster, or out to "get" her. You WILL make it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Light_of_Reason Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Greetings and salutations, loneflower. Like you and several others here, I realized I was an atheist at about the same age. I was fortunate, though, to have a fairly understanding family that prized their familial relationships above their particular religious affiliations. They still have trouble, though. It seems the word atheist doesn't necessarily sit too well with them, even if they have accepted that I am one. There is just something about the term atheist that eats at the religiously minded. Until they know an atheist personally, most of the religiously minded think atheists are the most immoral and evil people in the world, when truthfully, we are no more or less ethical than our fellow humans. Still, we must live with the stigma until we educate others that we are not whatever their misguided preconceptions and prejudices tell them we are. With that being the case, I think the wiser course of action in your situation is the previous one of not coming completely out, but instead telling them you have questions. This course of action has several benefits. First, it avoids the stigma associated with the term atheist. And secondly, it keeps the line of communication with your parents open. I hate to say it, but we all have to remember that sometimes discretion is the better part of valor. Wait until you are settled in a decent position where you are not dependent upon them (or perhaps even until your brother is settled if communication with him has the possibility of being severed by coming out), then you could let them know as the possible ill consequences for you will have been minimized. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kuroikaze Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Can anyone here relate? I came here in hopes of finding people who could relate and offer tips and advice possibly. I have fundy parents as well, Me and my sister are both athiest, My sister is actually the same age as you, but she doesn't post here as much. I can understand your problems, I've been out of Christianity about 4 years now and I still deal with problems stemming from the influence it had on my mind. I would suggest that you keep you're religious position to yourself, at least where your parents are concerned. In a way I hate to suggest that you be dishonest with anyone you have a close relationship with, but unless your parents are more understanding that mine were then its probably not a good idea. Mine still force my sister to go to church (and they watch her like a hawk) luckily I am 29 so I don't have to deal with that nonsense. Anyway, welcome to the site. Oh, by the way, great avatar, I love Bleach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Piprus Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Greetings, Loneflower, and Welcome... I am always happy to see young people, teens and young adults posting on the site. I'm one of the older folks here, about the Chef's age, mid-50's. But I started leaving xianity, point by point, starting about your younger brother's age. I would agree with Kuriokaze...take it slow. Without compromising your principles, you don't have to declare anything to your folks other than your intent to explore these things. You've got plenty of time. And your thoughts and your beliefs are your own private matter. Enjoy the journey of working out your own outlook on life on your own terms. Without fear, without guilt. It's your life, and you own it. All the best to you! Stick around, there's some lively discussion here on the ol' EX-C. Piprus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric_PK Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 Can anyone here relate? I came here in hopes of finding people who could relate and offer tips and advice possibly. I'm a pragmatist at heart - I tend to view most things in a relative sense rather than an absolute sense. My father's a Lutheran minister, but I never really had a strong faith. I think part of that is that getting the inside view of what a church is like tends to get rid of a lot of mystery. Though it may be a "house of god", somebody has to make the coffee, vacuum the sanctuary, etc. It sounds like you have a bit of anger about your upbringing, and that's understandable - a lot of indoctrination isn't very nice. Unfortunately, when dealing with religious parents (or relatives), you have to figure out whether the results of telling your parents that you don't believe are worth it. And those results can be pretty bad - visits from ministers, being ostracized by the family, all the way up to physical punishment. Much of this you can't control as you're still a minor. You will also disappoint your parents, perhaps deeply. Yes, it's unfortunate that they can't allow you the same freedom to figure out your own beliefs as you give them, but that's the way things are when dealing with the religous. Whatever you decide, it needs to be a decision you can live with. I've never told my parents (well, my dad has alzheimer's, so telling him would be pointless, but mom is still sharp), despite the fact that I've really been an atheist for over 20 years now. I just politely decline any invitations that involve going to church services with them. Many of my friends know - or suspect - and I manage to have decent relationships with most, despite that fact that some are pretty religious. On the other hand, I've been visibly atheistic on the internet since the mid '90s. To put it another way, I don't feel that being an atheist is something that defines me, so I don't really talk about it much, and having people know that about me isn't that important to me. Hope that helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xild Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 Another older person here. I was reading your post and thinking about how young you are to be so smart about fundamentalism when I realized--oh yeh--I was 16 when I decided it was a bunch of crap and not for me too. And I remember how hard it was because of my family... It will always be difficult, as long as they are fundamentalists. You'll be learning and thinking for yourself and growing as an individual and they will always be subject to something thinking for them. It's really sad but it's their choice. They decide to stay in the cult for a reason. Maybe it's too harsh for them to have to think beyond black and white, but that obviously is not the path you have chosen--congratulations, you own your own mind--that's really something to be able to say, especially when you've been so heavily indoctrinated via Fundamentalism. I can only think about what I've been through and hope I give you some helpful advice. First, with your folks, it's a long grieving process. It's not quite a death but it feels kind of like one in that they're not "really" there. I don't know if this makes any sense. If it doesn't it doesn't apply to you. If it does, you know what I mean. And it's lonely. You need to surround yourself with friends who will come to love you but who respect you for who you are. Try to avoid getting into relationships with anyone antisocial--you've grown up in an antisocial group, believe it or not, so you could end up being drawn to similar types or the complete opposites. Be particular about your friends is all I'm saying, I guess. Also, I'm 45 and I have two older people I've come to love who I consider sort of my adoptive parents. I've formed close relationships with them that are mutually beneficial--I get something from them I can't really describe and they seem to enjoy my company. It's like I make my family where I go, since I really do not have a family and never have since I left the church. Anyone can do this, and it does help. Don't worry so much about what you've done in the past--it's a wonder all of us haven't had real psychotic breaks after some of the things we've been through and you have to forgive yourself and move on. The next time you encounter a person your church would have you disrespect, just be open and take a different approach, that is all you have to do. You have no penance to pay yet you don't have to remain shackled to the bigotry that you know is wrong. I hope you do go to college and you're getting good advice in this thread. College is something everyone your age deserves to experience. I would think it would be essential for anyone who is thinking as you are, so go for it. Your brother will naturally reach out to you when he is ready to hear what you have to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mick Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 Hey Loneflower, First off welcome and congratulations on your free thinking. You are right, the Bible is Bull shit, and you are now better off then you can possibly imagine. Now, my other thoughts. I don't usually go with just my gut, but I think you should take a deep breath and wait. You (and your brother for that matter0 are in a very powerless position right now. ANother ex-christian friend of mine always tells me to "think of my personal interests" when I am thinking about rocking th boat in any way. I am 40, have a good paying computer career, own my own houes, and have a wife and three young kids. Though it was painful, I have revealed all. I am in a postion of power in my situation (Doesn't mean I am not loving. I am just not able to have my immediate family cause me hell) I honestly don't know what could happen in your life if you go full blown atheist right now. NOW, being the key word. Absolutely you do it eventually. But what BAD things could happen for your personal interests if you do it now. One poster mentioned internet priviledges? That is a tangible, good point. Remember, your brother has alot more years until freeddom then you do. It might be better to be a stealth, gentle, contributer to his sanity, by quitely guiding him. Drop the A Bomb on your FUndy parents when you are in a position of strength. They still have enough power over you where they could send you away to Christian camp or something. There are some pretty nasty Christian camps you know, where your liberties are controlled by the leaders. Your still a minor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 Some time ago I read a thread on here about terms that go over better with Christians than the term atheist. "I'm not religious" was one suggestion. "Agostic" seems to go over better, too, than "atheist." About your younger brother. I have no idea what relationship you have with him, or he with you. I know siblings can act as informers, meaning that if his allegiance is to your parents, if he knew about your religious position, maybe he would tell them on you and bring their wrath--and his--on your head. I personally slipped the wrong bit of information by accident and the outcome has not been pleasant. And I'm fifty. No longer a child. All the same, they still feel responsible for keeping me on the right road or bringing me back. There are enough verses in the Bible to support such behaviour that they can justify pretty much anything they want to do. On this forum I've read many complaints about Christians who value religious belief over relationshis. One very strong passage to support this behaviour is where Jesus says that whoever does not hate family is not worthy of him. I raised this argument in my seminary class. The prof said what I'd heard all my life--that standing up for Jesus and one's beliefs is more important than family. That's just the way Christians are. They think it's noble being this way. Not much we can do about it except find a way to live within those parameters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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