Scattered Memories

[Ahh!]

It's funny how when you're little you block out things just because you think adults want you to. I remember when I was 7, I was sitting in church and the minister was on a long talk about how "the Spirit of God is with us!" I remember looking around, trying to find the Spirit of God but I couldn't. "It' a light!" the pastor exclaimed, almost on cue. I looked around for a light but the only light I could find was from the candles in the church.

 

Looking back, that was the first time I started doubting Christianity. The thing is I blocked it out after a while because whenever I asked someone, "what does God look like" they would just answer "a light". And they could never tell me where the light was.

 

I really enjoyed Sunday school. I remember all the little kids in there were so hyper that there parents must've been glad just to get them off their hands. I was the only one who paid attention. I learned all sorts of good life lessons. It was when I was 11 that I stopped going.

 

I remember the last time I went. I had been playing with my childhood friend James who was Jewish. I went to Sunday school later that day and our teacher that day was this old crazy, lady. She was senile as hell but she was the minister's grand aunt so they let her teach the Sunday school anyway once a month. She asked us when we walked in the door, "do any of you children know anyone who isn't a Christian?"

 

I told her I had a friend who was Jewish. She said, "where is he going when he dies?" I didn't answer. She asked again, "where is he going when he dies?"

 

"Heck, " I answered, because my mother told me it was impolite to say Hell.

 

"Heck?" the senile old woman asked, "Hell, boy! He's going to Hell!"

 

And then I received my first formal lecture on replacement theology, the idea God no longer loved the Jews and would send them to Hell. She informed me though that I could make James a "complete Jew", "a Hebrew Christian." All I had to do was tell him to believe in Jesus.

 

I never told James about Jesus because even at 11, I had more respect for other people than "a Christian" who was probably 8 times as old as me.

 

I remember I became obsessed with Hell for almost a year. I went on every website, read every book on it. I became extremely paranoid of the "tribulations." At amusement parks where they would stamp your hand to get in I would refuse in case it was the Mark of the Beast. The Mark Of the Beast remains a huge phobia of mine- I still suffer from delusions that I have it whenever there is any sort of mark on my forehead or right hand, even if it's just acne.

 

When I was in 7th Grade, I learned how to meditate from a martial arts book. I read on a Christian site that Buddha was "a demon" but I didn't care. Meditation felt too good to pass up, just like masturbation (I had to say it ).

 

When I was in the 10th grade, there was the huge tsunami in Asia. I remember I prayed for two days, even in school classes, but the people just kept dying. I think that was the moment I first lost faith on a larger level.

 

I started really looking at Christianity- all the people it killed, why does it require 10% of my income and that was the end of me worshipping as a Christian.

 

I shut down for about a year and a half. I had other things going on that were destroying me inside on top of leaving Christianity- a bad breakup, my father's stroke, the suicide of my favorite author (Hunter S. Thompson RIP) and high school. It was misery. I was too messed up to think coherently about anything.

 

Then there was the "what now" phase. I swear, I tried to join every strange religion out there- Rastafarian, Bahai'i, New Realization Fellowship, Islam, Scientology. I usually apostasized after 2 weeks.

 

I seriously tried Judaism. I was impressed by how Jewish sages were able to apply the Bible to their lives, unlike Christians who were just waiting to be beemed up at the Rapture. I also liked many Jewish concepts like completely unplugging from the world one day a week- that's a lot healthier than the way most people live. Still, I recognized that many of the best parts of Judaism were the things rabbis said- not the things attributed to God. Judaism still couldn't coherently explain why God killed so many people over seemingly silly reasons (see 2 Kings were kids are killed for calling Elisha baldy.)

 

I have no idea what to call myself at this point. I label myself Agnostic because I DON'T KNOW. I am equally as likely to become competely secular, buddhist or jewish in the future. Right now though, I'm just glad to be free of this nonsense.

[riverbank]

Hey and welcome - nice to read an ex-c testimony. Buddha was a demon? Lmao! I can just picture it in my head. I'm sure you'll get over your phobia about the number of the beast - it's all nonsense anyway - I had a heck of a lot to get through and believed that Satan was tormenting me at one stage - now I don't even believe that Satan exists.

 

Hope you enjoy the forum.

[Rhia]

Welcome!

 

I'm sorry people scared you so badly, especially with the mark of the beast shit.

 

Here's an interesting tidbit, in case you didn't know: 666 (or 636 or even 616 as some think) is not actually the sign of the antichrist, but is instead Hebrew Numerology.

 

In Hebrew, their letters are also their numbers (complicated system that's wicked long to explain), but anyway, if you want to express 666, you would write out the corresponding hebrew letters. Coincidently, 666, & 636, were used in the NT era by several people when they were trying to refer to Emperor Nero in an unsavory way without being tried for treason. They thought Nero was the most evil man on earth, so they would write out his name as 666, but in the end, 666 became the way to write out the "mark" for anyone who was the very essence of evil in Christianity.

 

So anyway, tattoo 666 on the back of your skull all you want, they're just numbers, and you're basically writing out Nero's name.

 

Oh, have you checked out the previews for the movie 23? THAT looks like the epitome of blown out of proportion.

 

Anyway, welcome! I hope we can help you in this part of your life.

 

-Rhia