smellincoffee Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 Right now, I'm living with my Pentecostal, fundamentalist parents who make me go to their church. Before I freed myself of the faith, I was volunteering for the church, working in a back office and doing things like printing a weekly bulletin and answering the phone during sevice.I realized I couldn't tell anyone of my atheism, though, since the pastor would assuredly remove me from the office and it was only thing making church attendance tolerable. In September, I'm moving away to college, but for the present I'm stuck. I can't afford an apartment on my own, and even if I could, finding such a short lease would be difficult. NOne of my friends live in this town, and my extended family is also religious to an extreme -- so I'm stuck. I've been wanting to quit church for nearly three years, even before I moved toward atheism. For three years, I've been going to college or working full time, trying to find a way out and all the while keeping the peace at home and church. No one knows at this point. I have come to realize that I am living a lie for my parents' benefit: so they can think of themselves and that people think of them as good Pentecostal parents. Last night, I began to think about ending the charade. People are going to find out that I left the faith, whether they find out tomorrow or in September, so I'm thinking I can just end the charade now. I'll resign my position in the office and begin to fight -- begin to brutally honest with people, even if my honesty will offend them. Maybe that's immature, but it's immature to hide from the truth, too. I'm starting to think that if I can't respect myself and stand up for what I believe and don't believe, why would anyone else? The problem I see is that church IS tolerable, though barely. Since I work in the back, I can read books and listen to music on headphones. The problem is that I have to waste over twelve hours a week at church, four per service, and not being able to speak my mind is maddening. What are some of your opinions? Should I keep my rear covered and persevere quietly, or should I come out of the closet fighting? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lycorth Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 Well, if you "raise the black flag" - what do you think would really happen? Would your folks be understanding, or would they flip? Since you live with them, sadly, there is an amount of appeasement you have to give, unless you can go ahead and live on your own just fine. It all comes down to the consequences. If they are open-minded, despite their religion, that's one thing. If they may not understand or like it much, but will still love you and back you up no matter your belief, that's in the same line of thinking. But if they will throw you out or go nuts on you, and you're not prepared to handle the fallout of that, that's another animal entirely. It's always best to be open and honest about yourself, since living a lie is never pleasant or healthy. But if it'll set off World War III, you may want to reconsider. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 Whew! what a dilemma. That's a decision only you can make. I would not think badly of you if you kept under cover for a bit until you have a place to go when the lashings start. Because, according to what you describe, there will be lashings. Go somewhere that you can block emails, refuse to take mail or phone calls, and they don't know your address. I make it a point not to tell people who are Christians, or even who I think might be Christians. I tell only the people I have to tell. I've told most of my theology profs just so there won't be an awkward show-down in class. Fortunately, this school has a policy not to discriminate regarding students' beliefs so long as students demonstrate a comprehensive value system. I guess I must demonstrate a solid value system because I have not been challenged about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smellincoffee Posted February 11, 2007 Author Share Posted February 11, 2007 Things just boiled over -- and wow, am I suprised. It was an emotional couple of hours, but I explained to my them how their making me go to church is wrong. They agree that I have a history of being responsible and making good judgement calls, and that because of their behavior I had to be defensive around them. In a few weeks -- once the pastor has been able to find someone to replace me -- I'll be able to stop going to their church. I'll tell the pastor the "bad" news myself. I'm just hoping their pastor doesn't get them to change their mind -- but considering his hardball approach has seen both of his eldest kids leave, I don't see how he can be taken seriously. I just hope nothing rocks this boat that I've managed to get afloat! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 I just hope nothing rocks this boat that I've managed to get afloat! You have my best wishes, Coffee. I hope things go well. If they don't, remember that you are basing your decisions on personal convictions that you have given a lot of very serious thought. If anyone demands more of you, perhaps they are over-stepping their rights. And you can always vent here. You have friends here. You are not alone. You will survive no matter how difficult they make it for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eponymic Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Things just boiled over -- and wow, am I suprised. So I'm clear, you just told them that you don't like working at the church, right? You haven't told them about being an athiest? That is a great step forward. If you haven't told them yet- this is what I think. Personally, if you don't think your parents will be understanding and will try & throw you out, then you should hold off telling them officially. Either way it's good to see you standing up for yourself & making them appreciate that you're growing up and able to take care of yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smellincoffee Posted February 11, 2007 Author Share Posted February 11, 2007 They're aware of my unbelief: my mom asked me if I was an atheist, and I said "more or less". The only problem I see is with my mother -- she's wanting to know where they "failed" me. And you can always vent here. You have friends here. You are not alone. You will survive no matter how difficult they make it for you Thanks -- the next few months are going to be interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Demona- Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 They're aware of my unbelief: my mom asked me if I was an atheist, and I said "more or less". The only problem I see is with my mother -- she's wanting to know where they "failed" me. Now, obviously YMWV, but if I were in your situation, I'd probably tell my mom something to the effect of: "You haven't failed me at all. You taught me to think for myself. And, after a lot of thinking, I realized Christianity wasn't right for me. It's my own spiritual walk, and my faith is within my own capacity to make the most of my life and in the wisdom you taught me to become more self-reliant." The reason I say I'm not in the situation with my parents is because my mom and I both had The Talk already. As far as I'm concerned, she's the only one who absolutely has to know, because we've always been close. And, except for a few "crossed wires" in isolated conversations, she's been very understanding. I'm slowly but surely, shedding more and more of the public pretense so my deconversion won't come as a total shock to the rest of my family and friends. I'm also beginning to make my peace with the past. So far, so good. I hope the same will be said for you, Coffee. Good luck in the coming months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thurisaz Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Thanks -- the next few months are going to be interesting. You get my pal - I hope your deconversion won't do too much damage to your relations Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigile Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Things just boiled over -- and wow, am I suprised. It was an emotional couple of hours, but I explained to my them how their making me go to church is wrong. They agree that I have a history of being responsible and making good judgement calls, and that because of their behavior I had to be defensive around them. In a few weeks -- once the pastor has been able to find someone to replace me -- I'll be able to stop going to their church. I'll tell the pastor the "bad" news myself. I'm just hoping their pastor doesn't get them to change their mind -- but considering his hardball approach has seen both of his eldest kids leave, I don't see how he can be taken seriously. I just hope nothing rocks this boat that I've managed to get afloat! Sounds like you handled the situation very maturely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jella Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 They're aware of my unbelief: my mom asked me if I was an atheist, and I said "more or less". The only problem I see is with my mother -- she's wanting to know where they "failed" me. I just can't get over how similar it is to coming out as a gay person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 They're aware of my unbelief: my mom asked me if I was an atheist, and I said "more or less". The only problem I see is with my mother -- she's wanting to know where they "failed" me. I just can't get over how similar it is to coming out as a gay person. Jella, in my opinion there is very little difference. In both cases we know ahead of time that the consequences for relationships could be severe, even traumatic. Coffee, my mother also wanted to know if it's something they (she and dad) did or failed to do. I said it wasn't. And that's the truth. I did not tell her this because it would have only upset her, but I do my own thinking and Christianity does not make sense to me. The most important thing in life for me is to live with integrity. This means I need to live what I understand is the truth. And that is not Christianity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhia Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I wish you the best. My deconversion was absolute hell, and my family and I are just now starting to get back on speaking terms. (It took my pentecostal adoptive mother almost 2 years to figure out that I wasn't going to burn all her bibles, destroy her crosses, try to cast spells on her, or practice "satanism" in my bedroom.) In fact, when I told her, she FORBADE me from entering her church again, in fear that I would do something to embarrass her. If you can do this, keep your sanity, and still have a good relationship with your family, I commend you. It's not easy. Good luck in the future! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smellincoffee Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 ]Now, obviously YMWV, but if I were in your situation, I'd probably tell my mom something to the effect of: "You haven't failed me at all. You taught me to think for myself. And, after a lot of thinking, I realized Christianity wasn't right for me. It's my own spiritual walk, and my faith is within my own capacity to make the most of my life and in the wisdom you taught me to become more self-reliant." Coffee, my mother also wanted to know if it's something they (she and dad) did or failed to do. I said it wasn't. And that's the truth. I did not tell her this because it would have only upset her, but I do my own thinking and Christianity does not make sense to me. The most important thing in life for me is to live with integrity. This means I need to live what I understand is the truth. And that is not Christianity. I made it as clear as I could that they hadn't failed me in any way: I said I recognized they had done their best to ensure that our family was safe and happy all these years, and that I was grateful for it. I promised them that things would get better. It's been two days and things have been great: we're talking, being a family. I'm not sure how long it will take to get my trainee into shape, but even if it takes a few weeks I don't mind. The longer that my parents have to see that their decision to let me make my own choice was a good one, the better off we'll be. When I leave church and people start asking them questions, things might get a little troublesome, but if they can look back on how things are now, they'll know it's for the best. Sounds like you handled the situation very maturely. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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