Confidence

[narcissist]

Confidence is the key to success in this culture, in this world, be it business, employment, social, sport, relationships, etc. You can have whatever else one can have as part of your personality, be it intelligence, physical strength, manual know-how, manners, a sense of humour, etc But if you have no confidence, no self-confidence, then you’re in for a very miserable life.

 

Thanks Dad, for beating all the confidence out of me as a child, for making sure I was set at the bottom of any pecking order. Thanks Christianity, for keeping me there, for promising to “raise me up”, “set my feet upon the rock”, etc, only to set me even lower and shittier, and for making even normal things, that others take for granted, hard.

 

Christianity is an almost perfect religion in the sense that it is able to deceive you into believing that it will do one thing for you whilst at exactly the same time it is actually doing the exact opposite to you.

 

Examples: It promises to heal you whilst in fact it is perpetuating and increasing the problems it promises to heal. It promises that you will be loved only to do things to you that, in any other context, would be described as criminally cruel. And, of course, it promises wealth whilst taking all your money from you and keeping you in poverty.

 

I’ve always struggled with confidence. It’s only now that I’ve left Christianity and I’m trying to engage with the world that I realise how almost hopelessly inadequate my confidence is, and it’s costing me in terms of career development, and social life among other things.

 

Another sad thing is that my lack of confidence has led me to this seemingly go-nowhere part of the arse end of the world, which makes finding competent professional help nigh-on impossible.

 

Does anyone have any tips or tricks I can use to see me through the next few months until I finish a few work projects and move to a place where I can find some competent help?

 

Thanks.

 

 

PS. What brought this on was this: I’ve just returned from a date which went rather well, at least to begin with, but toward the end I became concerned that my insecurities and lack of confidence were resurrecting themselves, intent on destroying any success. A perfect example of what I was just talking about.

 

Aarrrgh!

[Dave]

Do some volunteer work. Whatever you like to do, there is probably a way to volunteer to do it. Like animals? Volunteer at the local animal shelter. Or join a group of some kind. Like to hike? Join a hiking club. Like to dance? Join a dance club. You get the idea. Just get out and do something. Volunteering builds self esteem. Joining lets you pit your skills against others in a nice way or you get to learn from others more proficient at something than you are. That builds confidence.

 

You won't get what you want by sitting at home waiting for it to come to you. You wouldn't like what that brings.

[Eponymic]

I’ve always struggled with confidence. It’s only now that I’ve left Christianity and I’m trying to engage with the world that I realise how almost hopelessly inadequate my confidence is, and it’s costing me in terms of career development, and social life among other things.

 

What kind of things do you love doing that are also social?

 

I find that my confidence is much greater when I'm doing things that I'm comfortable with. So if you have some activities that you can engage others with, that will help too.

 

Or begin a new activity/hobby that you've always wanted to do. When you do something that is personal to you, its much easier to be yourself with others. And that's all confidence really is, the willingness to be yourself around others- for better or worse.

 

Cheers!

[R. S. Martin]

PS. What brought this on was this: I've just returned from a date which went rather well, at least to begin with, but toward the end I became concerned that my insecurities and lack of confidence were resurrecting themselves, intent on destroying any success. A perfect example of what I was just talking about.

 

Aarrrgh!

 

I'm not sure what your real question is here. First off, throw out the concern about insecurities. We all have them big time. That does not make you unique or different or more handicapped than anyone else here.

 

I didn't say it (throwing out insecurities) would be easy because it's NOT. Basically I avoid people who trigger me too much. When I've been with a certain group of people for a while and they are always nice and respectful of me and my ideas I tend to feel rather more at ease. All it takes to change this is one bad experience. My social life is at zero. Dates are out of the question. So you know you're not too far behind others. Seems you're ahead of me in case that is any help.

 

A book that started me on the path to recovery about twenty years ago was "The Art of Learning to Love Yourself." That particular title may not be around anymore but the idea is. Two major things I had to learn that were of critical help were:

 

1. that I had the right to be hurt

2. learn who and what I was and that I had the same rights as others when it comes to privacy and respect and that my problems in life were not all my fault.

 

Maybe that's more than two but who cares.

[Kelli]

Wow N,

 

I understand completely where you're coming from. The only real answer I have is that time heals. You can't magically wish the feelings you have away. Completely rid yourself of everyone who is negative in your life, surround yourself by positive people, and eventually you come to realize that you're a decent human being with value and something to offer in this life.

 

It sucks the way you feel right now but it does get better.

[riverbank]

yep, I can relate to that one aswell. At the moment I'm trying to read some good books and take some advice off people I trust. This all helps but I guess it's down to ourselves to implement change in our lives, although it's often a slow process.

 

I still haven't dated yet, so you've done better than me there.

[Piprus]

Narcissist, I can identify with so much of your OP.

I'm getting the impression that not only is self-confidence an issue in your life, but self-esteem as well. (Christianity is very adept at crushing both)

 

The idea of self-confidence can be ambiguous and elusive. AFter all, you said your date went well, but you got disturbed by your anxiety toward the end. Did your date have a good time? Did your date find enjoyment in your company? Maybe you could explore that and get some feedback.

 

Take stock of yourself. You're not a total failure, are you? No. So you do have aspects of yourself you can be proud of. Start there, and never fail to remind yourself that you are a human being with dignity and worth, and you deserve peace and contentment in it, and that you WILL make it so.

 

I think you would find it very helpful to do some reading on personality development, there are some good resources on the net, to increase your self-understanding. If you get to know yourself, you'll probably love yourself.

 

All the best...

[Kurari]

The thing I learned about self-confidence is first it's something you have to conciously decide on. You need to decide that your going to accept yourself as you are, warts and all. You may not like this idea much, because suddenly what's going to pop up in your head is everything you DON'T like about yourself. Everybody has that. Accept it, you can always change something later. For now, just work on being yourself. As Ruby said, you deserve the same respect that everyone else does, faults and all, but that respect and disrespect is more something coming out of yourself than from others.

 

The art of confidence is about not putting up with disrepect from yourself. It doesn't mean you don't make mistakes, look stupid, or stop feeling bad. It means you stop getting YOURSELF down. It's not an easy task, but you can control how you feel about life events, it just takes practice, dedication, paying attention, and not giving up.

 

As long as you don't resign yourself, you WILL get confident.

[Amethyst]

I had a very critical mother while growing up, so I understand where you're coming from. She did not abuse me physically, but she made sure I knew that I was never quite good enough in her eyes.

 

One of the things I've found that helps is doing creative things. Even if you don't think you're good at writing or art or anything like that, it's a good way to get your emotions out.

 

I'm currently in therapy. I find it helpful to have someone to talk to; others may not.

[narcissist]

You guys are amazing. Every one of you. Thank you.

 

Apologies for the apparent lack of clarity in my OP. Perhaps it was indicative of the lack of clarity in my mind.

 

Over the past couple of years I’ve been working hard on my confidence/self-esteem. I’ve been reading much, and listening to CD seminars on self development, etc. It's just that, occasionally, the past that I thought I'd killed off pops up at the most inopportune times.

 

Most of the books I’ve read and therapists I’ve had have insisted that I must forgive my abusers, without mentioning this point:

1. that I had the right to be hurt

For some reason, this reminds me of the “It’s not your fault” scene in ‘Good Will Hunting’.

 

I also work in a great office, full of real optimists and go-getters, and I think this is beginning to rub off on me. So this experience, along with all the other good stuff, led me to believe I was worthy enough to start looking for dates. For me, relationships are the biggest challenge of all, given my history of “relationships” with those closest to me.

 

The date to which I was referring to, with the benefit of rational reflection, went well, and I intend to call her tomorrow night to arrange another meeting, and make her laugh again.

 

I have been involved with some sporting clubs previously, although I had to give them up for over a year thanks to back problems – and I had to move interstate temporarily to find, as I said, competent professional help to fix it. I shall get involved once again, and see how the back goes. I’ll get myself a new guitar too, as my old one is beyond repair.

 

Thanks again for the kickstart.

[Guest Farquad]

Hope this post isn't beating the proverbial horse, but I feel compelled to say that I've been going through a similar situation lately. My parents have split up recently and I've gone to live with my mother. Now that my father's out of the picture, I feel free to finally "grow into myself", to find out what I like and what I wnat out of life -- something I've been denied and denied of myself for several years. I placed so much stock in the ideas like God had my back, or that if I died I would only be rewarded with heaven. Now that I've abandoned Christianity, I miss the confidence that those ideas brought. It's almost like a withdrawl from some divine drug.

 

Though I'm still fighting this battle in my life (and I probably will continue to for several years), I'm beginning to find the pieces of who I really am, and take confidence in that person. To reinforce what others have said, I think it just takes time. I feel myself growing stronger, more independent with each passing day. It won't happen overnight. In fact, sometimes I take steps backwards, when someone criticizes me for my beliefs, or I worry about if I'm wrong. It's important, though, to have the right state of mind that leads to recovery; just like it would be important to be quarantined if I were recovering from a physical disease.

 

You asked if there were any tricks or tips to gain confidence in yourself. In my experience, confidence naturally comes from fearing nothing, because it's fear that keeps us from doing what we want with confidence. Often times, though, what we fear is totally unfounded or even downright silly. The most effective way you can eliminate your fears is to identify them and realize their silliness. If you hesitate before doing something you want to do, ask yourself questions. What is stopping you from doing this thing, whatever it may be? If it's fear of some divine repericussion, you know that you can relax. No bolt of lightning will come from smoking, drinking, jaywalking or just being a general jackass sometimes. If it's fear of being rejected by someone, what do you have to lose? Their acceptance or rejection of you does not affect who you are. The only important thing is that you find who you are, and when you do, accept and embrace yourself. Theres all things about ourselves that we'd like to change, but we can all learn to accept the essence of who we are.

 

This has simply been the nature of my road to recovery from Christianity. It may not work for everyone, but it's certainly been working for me. I hope some of it could help you in some way.

[Piprus]

Over the past couple of years I’ve been working hard on my confidence/self-esteem. I’ve been reading much, and listening to CD seminars on self development, etc. It's just that, occasionally, the past that I thought I'd killed off pops up at the most inopportune times.

And when it does, you re-affirm yourself, as many times as it takes

1. that I had the right to be hurt

For some reason, this reminds me of the “It’s not your fault” scene in ‘Good Will Hunting’.

 

That was a POWERFUL scene. Talk about "taking charge"...(for one's own life)