Ahh! Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 (No there is no way of calmly expressing this) I'M FREAKING OUT! I didn't go to bed last night until 5AM. I just stared into space. I went to bed the night before at 4AM for the third night in a row. This has been my sleep pattern for the last two months or so. I sleep in the afternoon. I spend hours online, usually 2-5 a night. This is clearly not healthy. It started when I would read the Bible all night, trying to analyze it for proof of Jesus. The Jews For Jesus (who I want to beat the shit out of for being lying scumbags) gave me a list of verses to compare with biblical events. I normally would have ignored them but at that time I thought Judaism might have been the true religion that I should convert to but I wanted to check Christianity one last time. At the same time I was looking at atheist websites trying to disprove the Bible as a whole if I could because it's a scary book and I really frankly don't want to believe it. And still at the same time, I was looking at Jewish apologist sites to make sure I wasn't just reading it wrong. Eventially, I realized I was more interested in Eastern religions approached from a secular perspective. That was about 3 weeks ago. But I'm still freaking out because now I have the mixed messages of two religions coming back to haunt me. I have the Christian voice saying "maybe you just missed something, maybe it's hidden in the Bible somewhere you didn't look" or "maybe the Bible's wrong and Jesus was right." I have the Jewish voice saying "why do you dishonor G-d by not believing in His glory?" I try to calm down by retreating into diversions but it never works because I always feel like I have to force myself to calm down and that actually makes me feel more stressed! It is very clear to me that I'm heading towards a mental meltdown. My grades in school have cut in half in the last month! I'm just trying to figure out how to do damage control for myself. This is clearly not going away anytime soon- everytime I try to stop thinking like this and I think I'm going to be OK it comes back after a week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mythra Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I have the Christian voice saying "maybe you just missed something, maybe it's hidden in the Bible somewhere you didn't look" or "maybe the Bible's wrong and Jesus was right." I have the Jewish voice saying "why do you dishonor G-d by not believing in His glory?" Damn. I can relate, Ahh. IMO the first thing you need to do is recognize that the christian voice and jewish voice are both just thoughts inside your head. Thoughts that are all jumbled and confused from getting mixed messages and trying to sort out which of them (if either of them) is coming from God. They are thoughts. Nothing more. Take a deep breath. You don't have to figure it all out this second. Take it from someone who's been around lots and lots of blocks. Nothing is important enough to be this stressed. Especially invisible worlds that play guessing games with your head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kurari Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I strongly suggest going to find a counseler or therapist to help you through this. You can't retreat into diversions, you need to work your way through the problem. It sounds to me like your having general life anxiety...If there is no god or religious structure guiding the world, what is out there to buffer you from the misfortunes of life? It can be an incredibly scary thought, especially for a questioner or a new deconvert. Also, this isn't an uncommon way to feel, and you aren't alone. A great many people here can sympathise with the feelings your having. Keep talking it out. This forum is a great place to start, and speak with your doctor about how you are feeling with the anxiety. Life without god is not a bad thing. It's really pretty peaceful. You're not missing anything, your just suffering from a long while of religious programming. It's rough, but you can work through it. In the meantime, slow down in life. Take time out to breathe and spend a few minutes in the moment and try to dissicociate from your thoughts and feelings. Pretend they belong to someone else and you are just observing. It takes practice of course, but it starts to get easier fairly quickly, usually within a week or so. Also don't forget to take time outs from the computer or schoolwork to relax. Relaxation is as important as working. We need both in order to function. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Da Realist84 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I know exactly what you're going through. For the past few weeks its been the same way for me and I have been actually trying to force myself to believe in something that i just dont believe in anymore. It sad but true. You may need some counseling or something like the above poster said. For me, I simply made up my mind that I just cant follow the christian religion without futher evidence of something. Church and religion seems to be all about mind games and I can't deal with it because it has been stressing me out too. Keep ya head up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Open_Minded Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Eventially, I realized I was more interested in Eastern religions approached from a secular perspective. That was about 3 weeks ago. But I'm still freaking out because now I have the mixed messages of two religions coming back to haunt me.If you are interested in Eastern religions from a secular perspective - go directly to the campus Buddhist/Hindu gathering place. Tell them you NEED to learn meditation to help you get some discipline over the thoughts continually racing through your head. I learned meditation at 17 for health reasons. It has literally saved me from years of mental torture. I can't say enough about it. When I started meditation it was for medical reasons - so I focussed on what I needed to do to get control of the immediate problem. After that issue came under control, then I sunk deeper into the meditative disciplines for other reasons. But, first I had to deal with the immediate crisis. Like the others - I'd suggest you get some counselling. But, honestly, the discipline of meditation has helped me learn to focus my attention and deal with racing thoughts in productive ways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Piprus Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Ahh, Take a look at how you've labeled yourself. Agnostic. By definition, you can't know for certain in any event, so what you're doing now is chasing your own tail and losing sleep over it. You're getting obsessed over religion, which IMO is the last thing you need to worry about in life. I hope that observation is helpful in itself, but I would suggest some relaxation techniques. One I found, and it's helpful, is to lie down in your bed, and focus on yourself starting at your toes. Allow nothing else to enter your thoughts. Visualize it in your mind. You start at the toes, examining each one, moving on slowly through the feet, the legs, your midsection, your fingers, hands, arms, your chest, neck, and head. Very slowly. Concentrating. But most importantly, as you move along, you relax each part. Breathe deeply as you do so. By the time you've reached your scalp, you've commanded your whole body to be relaxed. Worth a try, and cheaper than a therapist. Hope you can get a few good night's sleep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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