Stupidest Story

[Max]

In retrospect, one of the goofiest things about going to church was the inane little stories that the preachers used to tell to make a point. I've long since figured out that most of them were the religious equivalent of urban legends, but they were certainly the staple of the rural Baptist church, if nothing else. Tales of how "evolutionists" had faked findings, spirits had attaked ouija players, bland "miracles" that had saved souls. I keep remembering this as the dumbest one:

 

A missionary went to [some unenlightened land] to teach the gospel to the savages. When he tried to explain how wonderful jesus was, the could not understand. The missionary decided that the best way to convince these godless barbarians was to explain in great detail how jesus suffered and died on the cross. As he tried to explain that jesus had been nailed to a cross, he found that he could not make them understand because their culture had no nails. He tried to describe a nail, but couldn't get his point across. He was discouraged.

 

Then, one day, he opened a can of mandarin oranges, and there in the bottom, was a nail! Excitedly, he took the nail and ran to find the cheif. Finding him, the missionary showed him the nail. The cheif took the nail from him and plunged it into his flesh. And feeling that, he understood the story, and was saved, and ordered the entire tribe to believe.

 

I think this was followed by some platitude about the contaminant in the oranges being a miracle. But really now:

1. How many analogues for a nail can you find even among the most primitive of people?
   
2. How does explaining the details of a story that one doesn't believe make it believable?
   
3. Why would someone in the jungle (that was sort of the implication that that's where it happened) need to eat stale, canned fruit?
   
4. Why the fuck do xtians think that saying "jesus died to save you" means anything to anyone other than them?
   

Anyhow, I thought others might have some of these little chestnuts to share. Maybe if we get enough, we can publish "Chicken Soup for the really pissed-off soul."

[Thurisaz]

You aren't really trying to use logic on the jebus cult's myths, do you?

 

 

 

[Dianka]

Then, one day, he opened a can of mandarin oranges, and there in the bottom, was a nail...

 

 

I have one more question to add, why did the missionary not freak out when he found A FUCKING NAIL in his can of oranges? Nope, nothing out of the ordinary in that.

 

"Excitedly, he took the nail and ran to find the cheif. Finding him, the missionary showed him the nail. The cheif took the nail from him and plunged it into his flesh..."

 

...the next day the cheif and missionary died from botulism, and from then on the confused and fearful tribe woshipped nails...

 

now that's a story!

[Thurisaz]

...the next day the cheif and missionary died from botulism, and from then on the confused and fearful tribe woshipped nails...

 

now that's a story!

 

[narcissist]

Whoa there Max. Be careful how you weild those anecdotes. I nearly reconverted on the spot!

[Rhia]

Oh, there are definitely others. I took a missionary introduction class my freshman year of college, right before I deconverted.

 

One of the ones told the most was "the Peace Child". If you already know it, feel free to roll your eyes along with me.

 

*So a missionary and his family go to some tribe (I think in New Guinea), and find that they're a savage, blood-thirsty tribe of cannibalistic natives who are warring with a neighbouring tribe.

 

The missionaries try all they can, for months and months, to convert these people, trying to stop their warring. Instead of loving Jesus, they think he's weak. Instead, they venerate Judas, because they can relate to him better in their culture- a culture that glorifies "selfish nature".

 

Anyway, the missionary's little girl has learned the language, and easily mixed with the tribe's children. She learns of an important part of both the tribes society- the peace child. She further inquires and learns that it's when a newborn of one tribe is given to the other tribe they're warring with to live- that child grows and lives with that other tribe, and as long as that child is alive, there is peace.

 

The little girl ran back to her father, and told him the story. He immediately went to the chief and told him that Jesus was the Peace Child between God and mankind. The chief understood, converted immediately, they passed along the physical peace child along with "the message of the Jesus the Peace Child", and both tribes were "saved" and never fought again. *

 

It's sick, how far even in a class they'll push people to twist Christianity into anything they can find, even when it doesn't fit.

[leftofpunk]

I liked the part where the chief ordered his entire tribe to believe. What a success for christianity!

[Eponymic]

I liked the part where the chief ordered his entire tribe to believe. What a success for christianity!

 

Of course they left off the part that they went back to their tents, thought about it, then came back and decapitated the chief.

[hatepirate]

I particularly enjoy this story. It's a little long, but the ending is well worth it.

 

There was a certain Professor of Religion named Dr. "Smith", a studious man who taught at a small college in the Western United States. The professor taught the required survey course in Christianity at this particular institution. Every student was required to take this course his or her freshman year regardless of his or her major.

 

Although Dr. Smith tried hard to communicate the essence of the gospel in his class, he found that most of his students looked upon the course as nothing but required drudgery. Despite his best efforts, most students refused to take Christianity seriously.

 

This year, Dr. Smith had a special student named Steve. Steve was only a freshman, but was studying with the intent of going onto seminary for the ministry. Steve was popular, he was well liked, and he was an imposing physical specimen. He was now the starting center on the school football team, and was the best student in the professor's class.

 

One day, Dr. Smith asked Steve to stay after class so he could talk with him. "How many push-ups can you do?" Steve said, "I do about 200 every night."

"200: That's pretty good, Steve," the professor said. "Do you think you could do 300?"

 

Steve replied, "I don't know... I've never done 300 at a time." "Do you think you could?" again asked Dr. Smith. "Well, I can try," said Steve.

 

"Can you do 300 in sets of 10. I have a class project in mind and I need you to do about 300 push-ups in sets of ten for this to work. Can you do it? I need you to tell me you can do it," said the professor.

 

Steve said, "Well... I think I can...yeah, I can do it"

Dr. Smith said, "Good! I need you to do this on Friday. Let me explain what I have in mind...."

 

Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of the room. When class started, the professor pulled out a big box of donuts. No, these weren't the normal kinds of donuts, they were the extra fancy BIG kind, with cream centers and frosting swirls.

 

Everyone was pretty excited it was Friday, the last class of the day, and they were going to get an early start on the weekend with a party in Dr. Smith's class.

 

The professor went to the first girl in the first row and asked, "Cynthia, do you want to have one of these donuts?"

 

Cynthia said, "Yes."

 

Dr. Smith then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten push-ups so that Cynthia can have a donut?"

 

"Sure." Steve jumped down from his desk to do a quick ten Then Steve again sat in his desk. The professor put a donut on Cynthia's desk.

 

Dr. Smith then went to Joe, the next person, and asked, "Joe, do you want a donut?"

 

Joe said, "Yes."

 

The professor asked, "Steve would you do ten push-ups so Joe can have a donut?" Steve did ten push-ups. Joe got a donut. And so it went, down the first aisle, Steve did ten pushups for every person before they got their donut. And down the second aisle, Dr.Smith came to Scott.

 

Scott was on the basketball team, and in as good condition as Steve. He was very popular and never lacking for female companionship. When the professor asked, "Scott do you want a donut?"

 

Scott's reply was, "Well, can I do my own pushups?"

 

Dr. Smith said, "No, Steve has to do them."

 

Then Scott said, "Well, I don't want one then."

 

 

The professor shrugged and then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten pushups so Scott can have a donut he doesn't want?" With perfect obedience Steve started to do ten pushups.

 

 

Scott said, "HEY! I said I didn't want one!"

 

Dr. Smith said, "Look, this is my classroom, my class, my desks, and these are my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don't want it." And he put a donut on Scott's desk.

 

Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little He just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much effort to be getting up and down. You could start to see a little perspiration coming out around his brow. The professor started down the third row. Now the students were beginning to get a little angry.

 

Dr. Smith asked Jenny, "Jenny, do you want a donut?"

 

Sternly, Jenny said, "No."

 

Then Dr. Smith asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten more push-ups so Jenny can have a donut that she doesn't want?" Steve did ten...Jenny got a donut.

 

By now, a growing sense of uneasiness filled the room. The students were beginning to say "No" and there were all these uneaten donuts on the desks. Steve also had to really put forth a lot of extra effort to get these pushups done for each donut There began to be a small pool of sweat on the floor beneath his face, his arms and brow were beginning to get red because of the physical effort involved. Dr. Smith asked Robert, who was the most vocal unbeliever in the class, to watch Steve do each push up to make sure he did the full ten pushups in a set because he couldn't bear to watch all of Steve's work for all of those uneaten donuts. He sent Robert over to where Steve was so Robert could count the set and watch Steve closely.

 

The professor started down the fourth row.

 

During his class, however, some students from other classes had wandered in and sat down on the steps along the radiators that ran down the sides of the room. When the professor realized this, he did a quick count and saw that now there were 34 students in the room. He started to worry if Steve would be able to make it. Dr. Smith went on to the next person and the next and the next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a rough time. He was taking a lot more time to complete each set.

 

Steve asked the professor,

"Do I have to make my nose touch on each one?"

 

Dr. Smith thought for a moment, "Well, they're your pushups. You are in charge now. You can do them any way that you want." And the professor went on. A few moments later, Jason, a recent transfer student, came to the room and was about to come in when all the students yelled in one voice, "NO!

 

Don't come in! Stay out!" Jason didn't know what was going on.

 

Steve picked up his head and said, "No, let him come."

 

Professor Smith said, "You realize that if Jason comes in you will have to do ten pushups for him?"

 

Steve said, "Yes, let him come in. Give him a donut"

 

The professor said, "Okay, Steve, I'll let you get Jason's out of the way right now. Jason, do you want a donut?"

 

Jason, new to the room hardly knew what was going on. "Yes," he said, "give me a donut."

 

"Steve, will you do ten push-ups so that Jason can have a donut?" Steve did

ten pushups very slowly and with great effort. Jason, bewildered, was handed a donut and sat down Dr. Smith finished the fourth row, then started on those visitors seated by the heaters. Steve's arms were now shaking with

each push-up in a struggle to lift himself against the force of gravity. Sweat was profusely dropping off of his face and, by this time, there was no sound except his heavy breathing, there was not a dry eye in the room.

 

The very last two students in the room were two young women, both cheerleaders, and very popular. The professor went to Linda, the second to last, and asked, "Linda, do you want a doughnut?"

 

Linda said, very sadly, "No, thank you, I had reese's for breakfast!"

 

"Shit, you had candy for breakfast?!"

 

"Not candy, Reese's Puff Cereal!"

 

So he pours me a bowl and I shove the spoon in my mouth. Then a completely orgasmic wave of peanut butter and chocolately taste bombards my taste buds.

 

Reese's Puff Cereal;

 

It's reese's, FOR BREAKFAST!

[southdakota2005]

Maybe the Missionary should have sued the company that made the can for a few millions for letting a nail get into the can in the first place.

[Guest Fullmetal Atheist]

Wow. Those are some racist-ass stories. I also heard one where this American missionary was staying with a tribe of people in Africa, and they came to him one day all freaked out because they found "monster" tracks; apparently, some giant, mysterious demon had come into their village and knocked off some roof thatching, and they didn't know what to do. Thankfully, the missionary, in his Aryan wisdom, pointed out that they were elephant tracks. And they all had a good laugh.

 

...Now how exactly did these people survive for hundreds of thousands of years in Africa, living intimately with that ecosystem, and not have a damn clue what elephant tracks looked like? Yet some guy who grew up in Podunk, North Dakota and showed up a couple weeks ago can point out elephant tracks to them? Somehow, I suspect it was really the other way around and the missionary changed the story in order to make himself look like less of a flaming moron.

 

Hey, have you guys heard the one about the little girl whose parents were atheists? She had no idea who Jesus was, had never seen a picture of him. Then one night, when she was home with the babysitter, her parents died in a car crash. (Or sometimes, she was in the car too, and she was the only survivor - it changes based on how gruesome the storyteller wants to be.) So she gets adopted by this Christian family, and the instant she walks in the door, she sees a painting of Jesus. Her new Christian parents ask her, "Do you know that man?" And she says, "Yes. That's the man that held me when my parents died."

 

Now, there are many, many problems with this narrative, but if you accept the premise that, living in America, the girl had literally never heard of Jesus Christ ever (Did she not have any Christian friends at all, in a country where 60% of the population is Christian? Was she homeschooled? Was she raised on a Marxist commune or something?), and accept the other premise that Jesus's soul actually did comfort her that night... the dude was a Mediterranean Jew. He would have looked more like Jerry Seinfeld than like that pasty white, blue-eyed, brown-haired John Lennon lookalike that appears in all the Euro-American paintings. Created in our image and likeness, indeed.

[Eponymic]

I've always been a big fan, or anti-fan...in other words...this is the story that stick in my craw the most- here's how it goes:

 

There's a teacher at a prominent University (usually like Harvard) that is teaching a class and talking about how God doesn't exist. Then one Gawd fearing kid in the class stands up and poses an argument that the teacher can't answer- BAM! He converts from his wicked non-believing ways.

 

GACK!!!

[YDOAPS]

I particularly enjoy this story. It's a little long, but the ending is well worth it.

 

There was a certain Professor of Religion named Dr. "Smith", a studious man who taught at a small college in the Western United States. The professor taught the required survey course in Christianity at this particular institution. Every student was required to take this course his or her freshman year regardless of his or her major.

 

Although Dr. Smith tried hard to communicate the essence of the gospel in his class, he found that most of his students looked upon the course as nothing but required drudgery. Despite his best efforts, most students refused to take Christianity seriously.

 

This year, Dr. Smith had a special student named Steve. Steve was only a freshman, but was studying with the intent of going onto seminary for the ministry. Steve was popular, he was well liked, and he was an imposing physical specimen. He was now the starting center on the school football team, and was the best student in the professor's class.

 

One day, Dr. Smith asked Steve to stay after class so he could talk with him. "How many push-ups can you do?" Steve said, "I do about 200 every night."

"200: That's pretty good, Steve," the professor said. "Do you think you could do 300?"

 

Steve replied, "I don't know... I've never done 300 at a time." "Do you think you could?" again asked Dr. Smith. "Well, I can try," said Steve.

 

"Can you do 300 in sets of 10. I have a class project in mind and I need you to do about 300 push-ups in sets of ten for this to work. Can you do it? I need you to tell me you can do it," said the professor.

 

Steve said, "Well... I think I can...yeah, I can do it"

Dr. Smith said, "Good! I need you to do this on Friday. Let me explain what I have in mind...."

 

Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of the room. When class started, the professor pulled out a big box of donuts. No, these weren't the normal kinds of donuts, they were the extra fancy BIG kind, with cream centers and frosting swirls.

 

Everyone was pretty excited it was Friday, the last class of the day, and they were going to get an early start on the weekend with a party in Dr. Smith's class.

 

The professor went to the first girl in the first row and asked, "Cynthia, do you want to have one of these donuts?"

 

Cynthia said, "Yes."

 

Dr. Smith then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten push-ups so that Cynthia can have a donut?"

 

"Sure." Steve jumped down from his desk to do a quick ten Then Steve again sat in his desk. The professor put a donut on Cynthia's desk.

 

Dr. Smith then went to Joe, the next person, and asked, "Joe, do you want a donut?"

 

Joe said, "Yes."

 

The professor asked, "Steve would you do ten push-ups so Joe can have a donut?" Steve did ten push-ups. Joe got a donut. And so it went, down the first aisle, Steve did ten pushups for every person before they got their donut. And down the second aisle, Dr.Smith came to Scott.

 

Scott was on the basketball team, and in as good condition as Steve. He was very popular and never lacking for female companionship. When the professor asked, "Scott do you want a donut?"

 

Scott's reply was, "Well, can I do my own pushups?"

 

Dr. Smith said, "No, Steve has to do them."

 

Then Scott said, "Well, I don't want one then."

 

 

The professor shrugged and then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten pushups so Scott can have a donut he doesn't want?" With perfect obedience Steve started to do ten pushups.

 

 

Scott said, "HEY! I said I didn't want one!"

 

Dr. Smith said, "Look, this is my classroom, my class, my desks, and these are my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don't want it." And he put a donut on Scott's desk.

 

Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little He just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much effort to be getting up and down. You could start to see a little perspiration coming out around his brow. The professor started down the third row. Now the students were beginning to get a little angry.

 

Dr. Smith asked Jenny, "Jenny, do you want a donut?"

 

Sternly, Jenny said, "No."

 

Then Dr. Smith asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten more push-ups so Jenny can have a donut that she doesn't want?" Steve did ten...Jenny got a donut.

 

By now, a growing sense of uneasiness filled the room. The students were beginning to say "No" and there were all these uneaten donuts on the desks. Steve also had to really put forth a lot of extra effort to get these pushups done for each donut There began to be a small pool of sweat on the floor beneath his face, his arms and brow were beginning to get red because of the physical effort involved. Dr. Smith asked Robert, who was the most vocal unbeliever in the class, to watch Steve do each push up to make sure he did the full ten pushups in a set because he couldn't bear to watch all of Steve's work for all of those uneaten donuts. He sent Robert over to where Steve was so Robert could count the set and watch Steve closely.

 

The professor started down the fourth row.

 

During his class, however, some students from other classes had wandered in and sat down on the steps along the radiators that ran down the sides of the room. When the professor realized this, he did a quick count and saw that now there were 34 students in the room. He started to worry if Steve would be able to make it. Dr. Smith went on to the next person and the next and the next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a rough time. He was taking a lot more time to complete each set.

 

Steve asked the professor,

"Do I have to make my nose touch on each one?"

 

Dr. Smith thought for a moment, "Well, they're your pushups. You are in charge now. You can do them any way that you want." And the professor went on. A few moments later, Jason, a recent transfer student, came to the room and was about to come in when all the students yelled in one voice, "NO!

 

Don't come in! Stay out!" Jason didn't know what was going on.

 

Steve picked up his head and said, "No, let him come."

 

Professor Smith said, "You realize that if Jason comes in you will have to do ten pushups for him?"

 

Steve said, "Yes, let him come in. Give him a donut"

 

The professor said, "Okay, Steve, I'll let you get Jason's out of the way right now. Jason, do you want a donut?"

 

Jason, new to the room hardly knew what was going on. "Yes," he said, "give me a donut."

 

"Steve, will you do ten push-ups so that Jason can have a donut?" Steve did

ten pushups very slowly and with great effort. Jason, bewildered, was handed a donut and sat down Dr. Smith finished the fourth row, then started on those visitors seated by the heaters. Steve's arms were now shaking with

each push-up in a struggle to lift himself against the force of gravity. Sweat was profusely dropping off of his face and, by this time, there was no sound except his heavy breathing, there was not a dry eye in the room.

 

The very last two students in the room were two young women, both cheerleaders, and very popular. The professor went to Linda, the second to last, and asked, "Linda, do you want a doughnut?"

 

Linda said, very sadly, "No, thank you, I had reese's for breakfast!"

 

"Shit, you had candy for breakfast?!"

 

"Not candy, Reese's Puff Cereal!"

 

So he pours me a bowl and I shove the spoon in my mouth. Then a completely orgasmic wave of peanut butter and chocolately taste bombards my taste buds.

 

Reese's Puff Cereal;

 

It's reese's, FOR BREAKFAST!

So awesome

[white_raven23]

[*]How many analogues for a nail can you find even among the most primitive of people?

 

Arrows, spears, splinters, thorns, stakes, awls, needles (tribal piercings and tatoos)

[*]How does explaining the details of a story that one doesn't believe make it believable?

Because understanding the concepts involved equal reality of course!

[*]Why would someone in the jungle (that was sort of the implication that that's where it happened) need to eat stale, canned fruit?

And trust heathen barbarian cuisine? You risk going straight to hell obviously!

[*]Why the fuck do xtians think that saying "jesus died to save you" means anything to anyone other than them?

Because their ego and pride is just that fucking huge. And the idea that a close friend of a heathen warrior directly and personally making a comparable sacrifice to save a friends ass in the last tribal war couldn't possibly be more meaningful than a "sacrifice" in no way directly witnessed by the tribe.

[Eccles]

There were two Fuzzy-Wuzzies (Natives to use the PI word). walking in the jungle in Papua-New Guinea. One said: "I have a terrible pain in the gut". The other asked what he had for dinner: "Usual: cooked missionary". "How did you cook him?". "Boiled him in the pot". "Did he have just a little ring of hair on his head, or a full head of hair?". "Little Ring of Hair" (Tonsure). "AH, I know your problem. He was a friar. you fry him, not boil him".

[smellincoffee]

I particularly enjoy this story. It's a little long, but the ending is well worth it.

usly.

[...]

 

Reese's Puff Cereal;

 

It's reese's, FOR BREAKFAST!

 

Damn you, I was getting into that story, too. I remember hearing it, but don't remember the end.

[Max]

Wow. Those are some racist-ass stories.

 

Yeah - I always like the typical missionary "success" photo: a bunch of black African natives standing in the jungle wearing polyester dress shirts, sans-a-belt slacks, buzz cuts, and dress shoes. Get people to dress in a manner totally inappropriate to their climate - that's how you prove you've won their souls!

[HoustonHorn]

Hey, have you guys heard the one about the little girl whose parents were atheists? She had no idea who Jesus was, had never seen a picture of him. Then one night, when she was home with the babysitter, her parents died in a car crash. (Or sometimes, she was in the car too, and she was the only survivor - it changes based on how gruesome the storyteller wants to be.) So she gets adopted by this Christian family, and the instant she walks in the door, she sees a painting of Jesus. Her new Christian parents ask her, "Do you know that man?" And she says, "Yes. That's the man that held me when my parents died."

One like that made it into a country song. The girl's parents commit suicide with her hiding behind the couch and she recognizes a picture of Jesus when she walks into Sunday school for the first time because He comforted her the night her parents killed themselves. The line is something like "I don't know his name, but I know he got off."

 

It's actually a pretty good song aside from the message. Of course I like a lot of hymns too. I just ignore the message.

[Thackerie]

I've always been a big fan, or anti-fan...in other words...this is the story that stick in my craw the most- here's how it goes:

 

There's a teacher at a prominent University (usually like Harvard) that is teaching a class and talking about how God doesn't exist. Then one Gawd fearing kid in the class stands up and poses an argument that the teacher can't answer- BAM! He converts from his wicked non-believing ways.

 

GACK!!!

 

Gack, indeed. I hate that one, too.

 

But the one I absolutely hate the most is the footprints-in-the-sand story, where jesus shows some christian soul how they had always "walked" together by pointing to their tracks in the sand. When the christian says that during troublesome times, there was only one set of footprints, jesus explains that it is because he (jesus) was carrying the person in his arms at those times so the only tracks visible were those of the lord's. Double GACK!

 

Anyway, for anyone who has a strong stomach, snopes.com (the same website that debunks urban legends) has a whole collection of this gag-inducing stuff at http://www.snopes.com/glurge

[Guest Fullmetal Atheist]

"I don't know his name, but I know he got off."

I feel a perverted parody comin' on...

[oberon]

I'd have asked for a second donut

[YDOAPS]

I've always been a big fan, or anti-fan...in other words...this is the story that stick in my craw the most- here's how it goes:

 

There's a teacher at a prominent University (usually like Harvard) that is teaching a class and talking about how God doesn't exist. Then one Gawd fearing kid in the class stands up and poses an argument that the teacher can't answer- BAM! He converts from his wicked non-believing ways.

 

GACK!!!

 

Gack, indeed. I hate that one, too.

 

But the one I absolutely hate the most is the footprints-in-the-sand story, where jesus shows some christian soul how they had always "walked" together by pointing to their tracks in the sand. When the christian says that during troublesome times, there was only one set of footprints, jesus explains that it is because he (jesus) was carrying the person in his arms at those times so the only tracks visible were those of the lord's. Double GACK!

 

Anyway, for anyone who has a strong stomach, snopes.com (the same website that debunks urban legends) has a whole collection of this gag-inducing stuff at http://www.snopes.com/glurge

I like the remix on the credits of The God Who Wasn't There.