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In Love During Deconversion...


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Guest CerebralHypertrophy

I was wondering if anyone has any words of wisdom or comments about my situation. I'm am currently realizing that Christianity is a bunch of bullshit (or being absolutely decieved and BLINDED by the Truth...) I am in love with my girlfriend. I've had experiences with girls before her, but I never had a serious relationship with any of them. I am attached to this girl and as far as I understand what love is, THIS IS IT.

 

She has been raised by extremely devout Lutheran parents. Church every Sunday. Bible studies, prayer, the works...her father still calls her to pray with her in the mornings, while she is in college. I've briefly shared some of my thoughts with her, emailed her pastor with some tough questions, and haven't gone to church with her for the past few weeks. She has been upset about me and has expressed her feelings by crying multiple times. She has made an attempt to "get my thinking in line again" by reminding me of the things I used to say to her about God, the Bible studies we had, telling me that "Jesus loves me," and setting up an appointment with her pastor to talk.

 

I like so many things about this girl, I don't know if her mind is ready to drop it since she has been fed this since she was born. Even if she is, I don't know how someone like her would handle such a revelation...cuz looking back at me once it clicked in my head that Christianity was bullshit, I got EXTREMELY DEPRESSED, angry, and sad.

 

What do you all think?

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Hi Again,

 

It's funny. I was just thinking about posting something about my relationship situation when I read your post. Here is the thing: I became a Born Again Christian in college and so did my wife. We got married within 2 years. She was already pregnant with my first child when I became truly aware of the horrors of the God of the Bible. (And the utter silliness of most of it as well)

 

The pain that this all has caused me is tremendous and hard to explain. I know have three children, all of who are basically being taught to believe in fucking magic elves and unicorns from space as far as I am concerned. (I.e. The Bible) I am teaching my oldest science, and trying my best. Letting them know that I don't think people are going to hell. The marriage is basically shit, because my wife has gone the other direction. (Ultra fundy, thinks I'm in the Devil's hand)

 

The Bible is a disgusting document. If you do NOT believe it now, I strongly urge you to not be in a serious relationship with someone who will defend it to the bitter end. Have you shown her the genecide? the baby killing? the attrocities? If you can free her that is great.

 

BUT, I consider you a lucky man to be NOT married to a fundamentalist yet. Any time you want to talk more let me know.

 

Mick

 

I was wondering if anyone has any words of wisdom or comments about my situation. I'm am currently realizing that Christianity is a bunch of bullshit (or being absolutely decieved and BLINDED by the Truth...) I am in love with my girlfriend. I've had experiences with girls before her, but I never had a serious relationship with any of them. I am attached to this girl and as far as I understand what love is, THIS IS IT.

 

She has been raised by extremely devout Lutheran parents. Church every Sunday. Bible studies, prayer, the works...her father still calls her to pray with her in the mornings, while she is in college. I've briefly shared some of my thoughts with her, emailed her pastor with some tough questions, and haven't gone to church with her for the past few weeks. She has been upset about me and has expressed her feelings by crying multiple times. She has made an attempt to "get my thinking in line again" by reminding me of the things I used to say to her about God, the Bible studies we had, telling me that "Jesus loves me," and setting up an appointment with her pastor to talk.

 

I like so many things about this girl, I don't know if her mind is ready to drop it since she has been fed this since she was born. Even if she is, I don't know how someone like her would handle such a revelation...cuz looking back at me once it clicked in my head that Christianity was bullshit, I got EXTREMELY DEPRESSED, angry, and sad.

 

What do you all think?

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Well, I'd say you have two choices. Fall out of love with the girl, or fall in love with jesus.

 

The other option (stick with the girl and fight about religion three times a day) isn't very promising.

 

As one who doesn't believe in soul mates or "happily ever after", I'd advise to find someone who shares more common ground with you. I've spent too many years in hopeless situations to give you any other advice..

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Oh, man.

 

I've been on both sides of the "unequally yoked" issue, and I have to say that no solution I've ever seen has been pretty. It always ends in tears, no exceptions.

 

The thing about religion is that it's as big a problem as the couple in question makes it, and it only takes one of you to make it a big problem. There are couples who are pretty laid back about their religious differences and can learn to work together; but I'm not talking about those cases in this post. They're a non-issue. You wouldn't be frustrated with the situation if you were in a relationship where religion wasn't an issue for either of you.

 

But it is. It's an issue for you as you're coming out of it. It's an issue for her, because she's still in it. And I really, really wish that I could say that I think it will end well, but I can't. Because for things to work, one of you is going to have to stifle your beliefs. One of you is going to have to give in to the other on the issue of religion and spirituality. And spirituality strikes so close to the heart of who we are as individuals - it's something so intimate, so personal, so private - that it basically means that one of you is going to have to stifle your very being, if you want to stay together.

 

I also have news for you: if she's making this a problem, by default, she isn't The One™. If she were, then there wouldn't be any problem.

 

If you love this girl, you might go ahead and set a time limit for how long you are willing to try to come to terms with one another's religious positions. Then bail. Seriously. Because when you are with a hardcore Xian, when they have to make the choice between love and their faith, love always loses. Always.

 

Again, I really really really wish that I could offer you any kind of hope for staying with this girl. I just can't, in any good conscience. But I can offer that even if you do break up in future, your life honestly isn't over. I also used to believe in the idea of a One True Love™, but then I realized that by thinking there was only one person out there who was right for me, I was not only limiting my options, I was also putting restraints and limits on the capacities of love itself. Love is something far bigger and broader than most human beings imagine. If you stay with this girl, as I said - one of you is going to have to compromise themselves in a way that is potentially soul-killing. If you don't, though, it might be heartbreaking for awhile, but there is a solid chance that both of you will be able to have a chance at happiness with someone else, instead of remaining miserable with each other for the rest of your lives.

 

In any case, good luck. Please keep us posted about how it's going.

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Wow, this is a tough situation.

 

It's possible that your gf may adopt your viewpoints. That's what happened to me when I was in a mixed relationship- and I was very devout. However, this isn't something that should be counted on- people *do* change, but often not in the way we want them to.

 

What concerns me most is your sadness over this situation. You sound absolutely miserable from the tone of your post. If this continues, you may have to let her go. You need to think of your long term happiness.

 

I have no other words- just *hugs*.

 

Rosa

 

I was wondering if anyone has any words of wisdom or comments about my situation. I'm am currently realizing that Christianity is a bunch of bullshit (or being absolutely decieved and BLINDED by the Truth...) I am in love with my girlfriend. I've had experiences with girls before her, but I never had a serious relationship with any of them. I am attached to this girl and as far as I understand what love is, THIS IS IT.

 

She has been raised by extremely devout Lutheran parents. Church every Sunday. Bible studies, prayer, the works...her father still calls her to pray with her in the mornings, while she is in college. I've briefly shared some of my thoughts with her, emailed her pastor with some tough questions, and haven't gone to church with her for the past few weeks. She has been upset about me and has expressed her feelings by crying multiple times. She has made an attempt to "get my thinking in line again" by reminding me of the things I used to say to her about God, the Bible studies we had, telling me that "Jesus loves me," and setting up an appointment with her pastor to talk.

 

I like so many things about this girl, I don't know if her mind is ready to drop it since she has been fed this since she was born. Even if she is, I don't know how someone like her would handle such a revelation...cuz looking back at me once it clicked in my head that Christianity was bullshit, I got EXTREMELY DEPRESSED, angry, and sad.

 

What do you all think?

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Well, I'd say you have two choices. Fall out of love with the girl, or fall in love with jesus.

 

The other option (stick with the girl and fight about religion three times a day) isn't very promising.

 

As one who doesn't believe in soul mates or "happily ever after", I'd advise to find someone who shares more common ground with you. I've spent too many years in hopeless situations to give you any other advice..

 

Follow the quoted advice above. You can be in love with someone, but with a gulf between the two of you this cavernous heads are gonna roll. Because the moment you admit this she is going to start a prayer brigade or just dump you altogether. It may sound cruel but that is the way it is. You need to find a woman who shares your same beliefs. Fundies and non believers don't mesh well.

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He Losingmy religion,

 

WHat kind of advice can you give to a guy like me? My wife of 15 years is still Fundy, and now ultra fundy, and have three little kids. I CANT and WONT bail. However, I am getting chest pains now with the way we go to the wood shed over religion. What the hell am I supposed to do? I am never going to believe again. But I don't wish the intense pain on her that would come about if she gives up. Jesus is so rooted into her psyche at this point. Put it this way, it was incredibly fearful and painful for me, and I was like a liberal Fundy compared to her. Everything is supernatural and Jesus to her.

 

I feel like I have to be there to help my kids not become crazy fundies. I guess I'm a martr in the opposite direction.

 

Well, I'd say you have two choices. Fall out of love with the girl, or fall in love with jesus.

 

The other option (stick with the girl and fight about religion three times a day) isn't very promising.

 

As one who doesn't believe in soul mates or "happily ever after", I'd advise to find someone who shares more common ground with you. I've spent too many years in hopeless situations to give you any other advice..

 

Follow the quoted advice above. You can be in love with someone, but with a gulf between the two of you this cavernous heads are gonna roll. Because the moment you admit this she is going to start a prayer brigade or just dump you altogether. It may sound cruel but that is the way it is. You need to find a woman who shares your same beliefs. Fundies and non believers don't mesh well.

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Ooh Mick, I really feel bad for you. It is onething when you're just dating someone, but you have such an emotional investment(and kids!). I'm not marraige expert so don't run out and get divorced or anything; but it seems like you are inbetween the proverbial rock and hard place. My advice, take an honest inventory of yourself, your life, and the marraige. Just really take the time to think about it. Because, honestly, debating a fundie won't do any good. I wish I knew what to tell you in this situation, but what I do know is that she is certainly thinking of her next move...whether it be continued prayer or divorce papers. I would tell you to "fake it till you make it" but since she pretty much knows how you feel that is out. Anyway, I wish you the best.

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