Cerise Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 Hamlet in Five Minutes!! Act 1, Scene 1 Bernardo: I saw a ghost. Marcellus: I saw it too. Horatio: Idiots. There’s no such thing as ghosts. Marcellus: Oh yeah? Then what’s that? ::points to ghost:: Horatio: Damn. Guess I was wrong. Bernardo: Idiot. Act 1, Scene 2 Claudius: Ha ha. Now that my brother is dead, I get to make it with his wife. Sucker! Gertrude: I don’t think Hamlet likes you much. Claudius: What makes you say that? Hamlet: You suck. My dad was much better then you. Claudius: He’s dead. Quit bitching and moaning about it and get on with your life. Hamlet: Bite me. Horatio: Hey, Hamlet! I saw a ghost. It looked like your dad. Hamlet: Seek mental help. Horatio: No, really. Come see. Hamlet: Fine. Act 1, Scene 3 Laertes: I’m leaving. Ophelia: Good riddance. Polonius: Behave yourself. Laertes: Whatever, dad. ::leaves:: Polonius: Quit messing around with Hamlet, Ophelia. I don’t want any little princes of Denmark running around. Ophelia: Yeah, yeah. Act 1, Scene 4 Hamlet: It’s too freakin’ cold out here. ::sees ghost:: Hey! Dad! Horatio: Don’t go with the ghost, man. That’s how you get killed. Hamlet: Shut up. Horatio: Okay. Act 1, Scene 5 Ghost: Your uncle murdered me. Hamlet: That bastard! Ghost: Get revenge. Hamlet: Will do. ::writes down in his date book under “things to do”:: Ghost: Thanks. ::leaves:: Horatio: Are you alright? Hamlet: I’m gonna pretend to be crazy for awhile, okay? Horatio: Good plan. Act 2, Scene 1 Polonius: Go check up on my son. Reynaldo: Sure. ::leaves:: Ophelia: Hamlet’s gone bonkers! Polonius: Really? Let’s go tell the king. Act 2, Scene 2 Claudius: Go spy on Hamlet. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Okay. ::leave:: Polonius: I’ve found out why Hamlet’s been acting so weird. Claudius: Really? Why? Polonius: He’s obsessed with my daughter. Claudius: Let’s spy on them. Polonius: Okay. Gertrude: Honestly, what’s with you men and spying? Claudius: You wouldn’t understand. Gertrude: Damn right! ::king and queen leave:: Hamlet: ::enters:: Polonius: Do you know who I am? Hamlet: You are an idiot. Polonius: He really is crazy. ::leaves:: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Hi Hamlet! Hamlet: What are you doing here? Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Um…visiting you? Hamlet: Yeah right. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: ::look guilty:: Er…um…hey look! Actors! Hamlet: Great. I love the theater. I can prove that the king murdered my dad this way! Act 3, Scene 1 Polonius: Here. Pretend to read this book. Ophelia: This idea is stupid. Polonius: Shut up. Claudius and Polonius: ::hide:: Hamlet: Should I kill myself or not. Hmm…I’m thinking…not! Hi Ophelia. Ophelia: Whazzup! Hamlet: Whazzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!!! Ophelia: Uh...anyway…I wanted to give you your stuff back. Since we broke up, I thought you might want some off this junk. Hamlet: I didn’t give you anything. Ophelia: Oh really? Then what’s this? ::holds up box of stuff:: Hamlet: Shut up! Go away! Go be a nun! Leave me alone! Women are the root of all evil. Especially you, bitch. ::leaves:: Ophelia: Well…that was uncalled for. Polonius: He’s a nut. Claudius: Let’s send him to England. Polonius: Okay. Act 3, Scene 2 Hamlet: I changed some of the lines in this play. Read it! Actors: Bossy, ain’t he. Claudius: Hello Hamlet. Hamlet: Bite me. Gertrude: Come sit with me. Hamlet: No! I wanna sit with Ophelia. She’s prettier than youuuuuuuu. :goes over to sit by Ophelia:: Wanna sleep with me? Ophelia: Pervert! Hamlet: Hush, the play is starting. Play-king: Ha ha ha. I’m going to kill my brother and marry his wife. Claudius: ::cries like a baby:: I don’t like this play. I’m going hoooooome! ::runs away:: Hamlet: Yeah! He fell for it! Horatio: Whatever. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Hamlet, your mom wants you. Hamlet: Now’s my chance to cuss her out for betraying my dad. Act 3, Scene 3 Claudius: Go with Hamlet to England. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Okay. ::leave:: Claudius: ::prays:: God forgive me for killing my brother and sleeping with his wife even though I’m not really sorry for doing it. Hamlet: ::spying:: I should kill him now but since he’s praying, I’ll let him live a little while longer. Act 3, Scene 4 Polonius: I’m going to hide behind this drapery so I can hear what you guys are saying. Gertrude: Really, Polonius, this spying obsession is getting quite annoying. Polonius: Shh! He’s coming! ::hides:: Hamlet: What do you want, mom? Gertrude: You’ve been very rude to your father. Hamlet: He’s not my father. You’re a tramp. Gertrude: How dare you say such a thing! Hamlet: It’s true. Gertrude: Don’t hurt me! Polonius: Help! Hamlet: Who’s that? ::stabs drapery:: Gertrude: Now look at what you’ve done. You’ve killed Polonius. Nice going, idiot. Hamlet: He was annoying anyway. Gertrude: Yeah…you’re right. He was annoying. But Ophelia’s going to be pissed. Hamlet: Shut up! You’re still a tramp! Gertrude: Quiet! Hamlet: Slut! Whore! Tramp! Uh…poopy-pants! Gertrude: All right, I admit it! I’m a whore! ::cries:: Ghost: Don’t hurt your mom. That’s very rude. You should be killing your uncle instead. Hamlet: Sorry. Gertrude: Y’know, you really are nuts. Hamlet: Actually I’m just pretending. Gertrude: Suuuuure. Hamlet: Bye mom! Gertrude: I should have adopted… Act 4, Scene 1 Gertrude: Hamlet’s killed Polonius. Claudius: Oh dear. I guess we should find him. Gertrude: You think? Act 4, Scene 2 Rosencrantz: Hamlet! What did you do with Polonius’ body? Hamlet: Why should I tell you? You’re a fink. You’ll just go tell my uncle on me. Guildenstern: We wouldn’t! Hamlet: Suuuuuure. Rosencrantz: Just tell us where you put the body. Hamlet: I’m not gonna tell you. ‘Cause you suck! Nyaa! ::runs away:: Guildenstern: This isn’t our day… Act 4, Scene 3 Claudius: Where’s Polonius? Hamlet: He’s worm food. Soon you’ll be worm food too. Claudius: What do you mean? Hamlet: Dumb ass. Claudius: I’m sending you to England with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Hamlet: Oh goody! Let’s go! Act 4, Scene 4 Hamlet: Who’s that? Captain: That’s Fortinbras. He’s going to war over a wasteland. Rosencrantz: He’s an idiot. Hamlet: I think he’s very brave. Guildenstern: You would. Act 4, Scene 5 Gentleman: Ophelia’s gone nuts. Gertrude: Great. That’s all I need. Another loony running around. Ophelia: ::sings:: La, la, la! My dad’s dead! La, la, la! I’m stark raving mad! Gertrude: I hate that tune. Make her sing something else. Laertes: I’m gonna kill the king! He killed my dad!! Gertrude: Oh no, you don’t want to do that. Laertes: Like hell I don’t! Claudius: ::enters:: What do you want, Laertes? Laertes: I wanna rip your guts out! Claudius: Why? Laertes: You killed my dad, you bastard. Claudius: I didn’t do that. Hamlet did. Laertes: Oh. Well now I feel stupid. Claudius: It’s okay. Ophelia: ::sings:: La, la, la! I’ve gone barmy! Laaaaaaaa! Laertes: Well this is just great. Gertrude: Isn’t it though? Claudius: Let’s go in the other room and talk. Laertes: Okay. Act 4, Scene 6 Sailor: I have a letter for you. Horatio: ::reads letter:: Hamlet’s ship has been captured by pirates. Sailor: That’s nice. Act 4, Scene 7 Claudius: Let’s work together to kill Hamlet, Laertes. You can stab him in a duel. Laertes: Are you sure that’s enough? I mean, stabbing someone fatally might not work. I say we annoint the end of the sword with poison just for good measure. Claudius: Great idea! And I can make him drink a cup of poisoned wine too! Laertes: You think that might be overdoing things a little? Claudius: Nah… Gertrude: ::enters:: Ophelia is dead! She drowned herself! Laertes: I’m not going to cry because tears are unmanly and I do not wish to be called a sissy-boy. I’ll just go destroy something instead. Gertrude: Whatever. Act 5, Scene 1 1st Graveyard guy: Who died? 2nd Graveyard guy: Some noble woman. Who really cares. 1st Graveyard guy: you’re right. Let’s go have a beer. Hamlet: Hey, look Horatio! A skull! Horatio: What else would you expect to find in a graveyard? Hamlet: Hey you! Graveyard dude! 1st Graveyard guy: My name is Harold. Hamlet: Whatever. Who’s skull was this? 1st Graveyard guy (Harold): Yorick’s. Hamlet: Hey I know that guy! He was my jester. Horatio: ::yawns:: How interesting. <Claudius, Gertrude, Laertes, and a whole bunch of other people come in with Ophelia’s dead body> Laertes: I wanna kiss my dead sister’s lips before she’s buried! ::jumps into the grave:: Gertrude: I say we leave him in there. Hamlet: No! I loved Ophelia more! I should get to kiss her! ::also jumps into the grave:: Gertrude: Just bury them all. Act 5, Scene 2 Hamlet: I found out that dad was going to have me killed in England so I changed his orders around and had Rosencrantz and Guildenstern put to death instead. Horatio: Way to go, man! You rock! Hamlet: Yeah. I feel kinda bad about Laertes, though. Osiric: ::enters:: Laertes is really good with a sword! Hamlet: No one’s better at swordplay then me! I’m challenging him to a duel! Horatio: Something tells me that this is a bad idea. Hamlet: Shut up, Horatio. <Claudius and Laertes and Gertrude enter with other people> Hamlet: I’m sorry about Polonius and Ophelia. Laertes: I forgive you. But I still want to fight. Hamlet: Me too. <Hamlet and Laertes fight with swords> Claudius: Drink this Hamlet. Hamlet: Later. I’m busy at the moment. Gertrude: I’ll drink it! ::drinks:: Claudius: Noooooooo! Gertrude: ::dies:: <Laertes stabs Hamlet with the poisoned sword and then Hamlet stabs Laertes…also with the poisoned sword. Go figure.> Laertes: Oh damn. Now we’re both going to die. Hamlet: What do you mean? Laertes: I stabbed you with a poisoned sword. Hamlet: Damn! Well, might as well take some people with me. ::stabs Claudius:: Claudius: ::dies:: Laertes: Sorry about the poisoning thing. Hamlet: Don’t worry about it. You’re almost dead anyway. Laertes: ::dies:: Hamlet: Horatio! I’m gonna die! Horatio: I think that that was already established by the whole poisoned sword thing. Hamlet: Shut up and listen to me for once. I want Fortinbras to be king. Just because…I like his pants. They’re cool. ::dies:: Fortinbras: All right! I get to rule Denmark! Whoo hoo! Horatio: How come I never get to be king? <dead bodies are carted off stage> THE END Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fweethawt Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 Cerise, I didn't like this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerise Posted June 10, 2005 Author Share Posted June 10, 2005 It's an aquired tragedy. Also it's from *whispers* highschool. *thunder crashes* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fweethawt Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 It's an aquired tragedy. Also it's from *whispers* highschool. *thunder crashes* I don't care if you just wrote it *hears roll of Canadian thunder from the north* tonight. I don't like it. The reason being, is that I've never read Hamlet, so I don't really get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Demona- Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 Cerise, you mystyped on one line: Ophelia:: Wanna sleep with me?Ophelia: Pervert! I believe it's supposed to be: Hamlet: Wanna sleep with me?Ophelia: Pervert! Heh heh. But otherwise, it was good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerise Posted June 10, 2005 Author Share Posted June 10, 2005 Wow, I never noticed that slip! hee hee, or maybe Oph has multiple splits? That would explain a lot actually... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fweethawt Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 Speakin' of Ophilia, I work with a guitarist for a band named Drowning Ophilia. You can check'em out HERE Jay is pretty cool. Although I've never been to one of their shows, I hear that he is the personality of the band. He really keeps the crowd pumped during the shows. Heck, I bought my 12-string acoustic guitar off of him. Maybe I should have him autograph it in case the band ever makes it big? Might be worth somethin' some day. I remember Jay telling me that the singer for the band sucks. (but he would never tell him that) After listening to the downloadable tunes at their site, I can understand why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ouroboros Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 This was the modern abreviated cliffnotes version! And it pretty much sums the story up. Pretty good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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