Secular Anger Advice?

[Ahh!]

You would not believe my luck. So I've been in this deep rage all night about religion. Its almost 3AM where I live. So I finally said to myself, "alright, I need to calm down. This is getting out of hand." I go online to find anger management information and I find a podcast on it. I think, "OK I'll learn my anger management so I can start to get over the pain religion has caused me." Do you know what happens? The podcast starts:

 

"This is managing your anger with (so and so) sponsored by the Southern Baptist Convention. Did you know that accepting Christ into your life is the first step to resolving anger. For more information..."

 

I almost smashed my iPod. How arrogant are they that they think that only Christians can manage anger issues? And knowing Southern Baptists they cant even do that!

 

So now I am angrier than ever. Does anyone know of any SECULAR anger management resources online?

[☆ TexasFreethinker ☆]

You would not believe my luck. So I've been in this deep rage all night about religion. Its almost 3AM where I live. So I finally said to myself, "alright, I need to calm down. This is getting out of hand." I go online to find anger management information and I find a podcast on it. I think, "OK I'll learn my anger management so I can start to get over the pain religion has caused me." Do you know what happens? The podcast starts:

 

"This is managing your anger with (so and so) sponsored by the Southern Baptist Convention. Did you know that accepting Christ into your life is the first step to resolving anger. For more information..."

 

I almost smashed my iPod. How arrogant are they that they think that only Christians can manage anger issues? And knowing Southern Baptists they cant even do that!

 

So now I am angrier than ever. Does anyone know of any SECULAR anger management resources online?

Here's a link from the Mayo Clinic...

 

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/anger-management/MH00073

 

And here's a free online "course" from Kansas State...

 

http://www.k-state.edu/wwparent/courses/fireworks/fw1-1.htm

 

Good luck

[exbeliever]

I wonder if a psychologist would be better. I think anger management is more for those who "act out"--e.g. become violent to others, etc.

 

I feel like I'm this person's publicist as many times as I've mentioned her on this site and to others (and I don't even know her personally), but try

 

http://www.marlenewinell.net/

 

Good luck.

[Fweethawt]

I hope that whatever you find helps you out. At the peak of my anger stage, I withdrew from everything and spent almost a week in bed.

 

I guess that when one gets hit with the enormity of the Christian Lie™, ya tend to get smacked down a few steps.

 

 

But only for a little while.

 

 

Keep your head up. You'll get through this.

[Antlerman]

"This is managing your anger with (so and so) sponsored by the Southern Baptist Convention. Did you know that accepting Christ into your life is the first step to resolving anger. For more information..."

I don't know a lot about more formal anger management classes (I'll defer to others), but I have to say the irony I was struck with by this Baptist Church swill made me bust out laughing. Maybe being able to laugh at the absurdity of these jokers is the best medicine? It's hard to be angry while you're laughing hysterically at a church full of circus clowns, complete with wigs and funny attire as they tell jokes and spin tall tales behind their pulpits.

 

You'll get to a point when there'll just be nothing left to do but laugh.

[Dave]

So now I am angrier than ever. Does anyone know of any SECULAR anger management resources online?

A friend of mine wrote this:

 

Three Minute Therapy.

[R. S. Martin]

ExB, you're not the only person who knows and recommends Marlene Winnel. If you were, I wouldn't know about her. I didn't know she treats anger but I know she specializes in helping ex-fundies reclaim life.

 

By the time I finally got my hands on a copy of "Leaving the Fold," it contained little news for me. This tells me that other counselors and authors are good, too. The approach I took to getting better was via self-esteem books, and later Myers-Briggs. I suspect this had more to do with what books I got my hands on and when, than with what books are best.

 

One problem ex-fundies may encounter from liberal Christian counselors is that the liberal Christians will not really believe the horror stories. Their view of God and Jesus may be just as rigidly set as that of the fundies, except that it may be very positive. I know the pain of being disbelieved because my problems were simply too horrendous. Perhaps an angry bitter apostate will exagerate but I wouldn't count on it. There is so much at stake in deconversion that we put it off as long as we possibly can. And during that time the abuse counts pile up.

 

All the books on severe abuse say the victims don't even know that their life is not normal. They are liable to side with the abuser. I think there are a number of reasons for this.

 

1. They think the abuser is right and knows more--an unconscious might-is-right mentality.

2. They think they did something to bring on the abuser's anger (e.g. severe beating for waking mom from her nap or accidentally breaking a dish) because they don't know it is abuse.

3. In religious abuse, the abuse is not only justified by religion but promoted.

4. We are taught how very serious an offense it is to God to offend any of his ministers or other representatives.

 

I'm sure there are many other reasons but those are a few of them. To put it mildly, anger and rage are justified but may need to be expressed in a controlled environment where neither the deconvert nor others will get hurt. I don't know too much about this but I understand there are clinics for this. Better not attempt it on your own if you fear getting violent.

[Ahh!]

Thanks everybody. I'll look through all this.

[Kurari]

Working with Anger

 

This is a Buddhist perspective on anger that's really very good. Buddhists do not believe in gods, they are secular humanists so a lot of what Buddhism teaches is just advice for everyday life. It's been helping me a lot with anger I've been carrying around, and I also recommend the book "Working with Anger" written by this same woman, Venerable Thubten Chodron. It's really quite well written and well rounded in the types of anger it encompasses.

[Astreja]

Cognitive therapies (like the three-minute version or with a therapist) good.

 

Insight meditation (such as Vipassana) also good.

 

And I've also found that eating a small amount of food helps to "ground" me and break the physiological anger/panic cycle. Did it yesterday, in fact: A small bag of peanuts from 7-Eleven was all it took to calm me down.

 

IMO, the important thing is to stay present with anger as it's happening. This means recognizing that you are, indeed, angry; and then staying with it and the immediate cause rather than creating a secondary cycle of "I'm angry about being angry." From there you can take note of what triggered the reaction, and start to recognize the warning signs before an event.

 

I sometimes get into a religion-fueled rage, the kind that makes me clench every muscle in my body. One time it was so intense that I actually pulled a muscle in my chest. It occurred to me that my reactions were actually physically unhealthy, and since then I've been making more of an effort to quell the fury.

[mwc]

Lots of good advice here.

 

I most definitely believe you have the right to be angry but I'm glad that you're able to have the ability to step back and recognize that you need to do something about it before it consumes you (I wish I had...I still have triggers that set me off but I'm getting better at dealing with them).

 

If you do seek counseling listen to Ruby's advise on finding someone with deconversion experience. The counselor my wife and I had (for related issues) basically blew me off and assumed pretty much all the things Ruby spelled out. It was a waste of breath trying to explain the thing he/they "loved" abused me to the point of going apostate and, to them, placing myself into an eternal fire pit.

 

Good luck on your efforts.

 

mwc

[Dave]

Cognitive therapies (like the three-minute version or with a therapist) good.

All of what you said was good and I'm only snipping to save space.

 

I like the Cognitive therapies because they get right to the core of the problem without getting mired in bogs of psychobabble.

 

Also, the guy that developed REBT, aka cognitive therapy, is a fellow Atheist; Albert Ellis.

[R. S. Martin]

If you do seek counseling listen to Ruby's advise on finding someone with deconversion experience.

 

I'm thinking what if there is no deconvert or exC counselor to whom one can go, what then?

 

Here's some suggestions:

 

1. Find out if there is a person in your area who specializes in dealing with religious abuse. In case everybody in your area is fundy, that approach may bring more abuse before it brings positive results. In other words, you may get severely scolded and otherwise abused for suggesting that religion can be abusive, as in the term "religious abuse." In that case, you will have to find other ways to do your research.

 

2. Present your problem as being anger. They will want to know what is the cause of the anger. Rather than spelling out the cause in terms of injustice, present it in terms of: this is what they did to me. I find it extremely offensive.

 

A counselor who does not accept that you have a right to find it offensive is not a good counselor. A good counselor, christian or not, will allow you the right to experience something as being offensive.

 

3. Get hold of a copy of Marlene Winnel's "Leaving the Fold." It's out of print but you can watch Amazon's used book section. Also I have a copy from the used book section that I would sell for $5.00 Cdn., plus shipping and handling.

 

An alternative to Winnel's book is any book on self-esteem and learning to love oneself. Healing the Child Within by Charles Whitfield is an excellent book, though perhaps a bit heavy reading. I am a strong believer in "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs." Whitfield builds on it, which is why I think his book is so good.

 

If there is a single teaching of Christianity that is worse than any other, I suggest it is the false teaching that human nature is inherently evil. Humans do terrible horrendous things to themselves, each other, and anything they touch. I believe there is only one reason for this: They have not experienced truely unconditional love.

 

I believe that humans are good deep down if only love can connect with that goodness. I came to this conclusion by reading self-help books on how to feel better about oneself. There are emotionally healthy people around and we can learn self-respect from interacting with them.

[Rhia]

I had to deal with my anger & deconversion without any help- until I found this place. I don't know of any anger-management sites or books, but I can let you know what helped me through my anger process.

 

Pillows: they're great to punch, throw, and shred to little bits. There's got to be SOMEWHERE for all that excess energy to go.

 

Yoga: with all the "Ohm"-ing aside, it's great to relax with. I personally LOVE the position called "corpse" where you lie on your back with your arms and legs spread slightly, and start by gently rocking first your feet, and then continuing with your hands, and then your head, back and forth, finally stopping when you're completely relaxed.

 

Trance music: most people I know hate this stuff, but I couldn't've survived my first 6 deconversion months with my evangelical mom without it. I suggest www.di.fm, and a nice, strong, pair of headphones (earbuds just don't give off the same sound-quality).

 

Learn a new skill: I took up knitting to keep me sane, and now I get paid occasionally to teach and create things with my hands.

 

Screaming: Going outside (where no one will freak out and call the cops) and screaming until your throat is raw actually feels good sometimes. I suggest a nice dose of it mixed afterwards with a cup of warm, sweet, tea.

 

Running/Working out: get's out energy, and helps the body at the same time- and if you're like me, by the time you've finished doing whatever you can, there's not enough energy left to be angry.

 

Comforting things: I would occasionally make myself something to eat that was comforting. A pan of brownies, a pot of chili (which would last nearly a week), whatever foods you like. I nearly lived off a really cheap but good recipe for fake Stromboli --- a roll of pillsbury pizza dough, cut down across the middle to make two smaller versions of the larger original- a jar of pizza sauce, cheese, and whatever filling you want. On a greased cookie sheet, lay out one piece of the dough flat, spread a bit of sauce, leaving enough untainted dough around the edges, add whatever you want for meat or veggies, cheese, then lay out the second dough piece, pressing the edges together to make a long, rectangular "loaf". Sprinkle with salt, pepper, & olive oil, and bake at 350 for about 17 minutes, or until the crust is as you like.

 

Other comforting things are to your discretion.

 

Talking to people who are willing to listen is also a huge help. If you have a friend, or several who are willing to sit and listen to you scream and rant - then indeed they are good friends, and much cheaper than a shrink.

 

Anyway, I hope I've been able to help a little with some secular tips. Sorry they're not a bit more scholarly.