My Wife Thinks I Choose Atheism

[Mikefight]

I have been working on some videos on you tube. They are videos that help me express some creativity and help me show others the truth about atheism. They are not derogatory or hateful. I am not like that. I am very laid back and easy going. http://youtube.com/FightingAtheist

 

I was telling my wife about my new video the other night and how it had gotten a lot of views and was getting great ratings.

 

She said, "I don't care about your videos."

 

At first I was a little hurt, but I shrugged it off. Then after thinking about it I got upset.

 

If she made Christian videos I would watch them. I may not agree with the message, but she is my wife, my life partner. I want to see anything creative she does.

 

I don't want my wife to seems like a monster, she is not. I still love her.

 

I wrote this in my blog http://atheistdad.blogspot.com/.

 

I confronted my wife about the statement she made about not caring about my videos. I told her that it hurt my feelings. I also told her that if she made christian videos I would watch them. I may not agree with the message, but I would watch them. I expected it to go well because I was calm and so was she. She blew up.

 

She said that I am not in the same situation as her. She is the victim her because of my choice. I explained to her that I did not make a choice. I stopped believing because of the lack of evidence. I would gladly believe again if I saw convincing evidence. I can not choose to believe.

 

I asked her if she wanted me to come to church and play along, knowing that I really don't believe. She did not answer. She is upset with me because she thinks I betrayed her. I know if she had become atheist while I was christian, it would have hurt me too.

 

How do I make her understand.

[Rhia]

You can't, and that's the saddest thing about it. The choice is only hers when it comes down to belief, or realizing that others can't be treated like shit for their differing beliefs or lack thereof.

 

The desire to make her understand is very similar to Christians and their desire to make people understand the "love of Christ". I understand she's your partner, your love, and that you would at least give her the benefit of the doubt if the situation was flipped, but unfortunately even the most loving people can be total assholes when it comes down to what they're ingrained with.

 

I feel for ya, there have been many times where I wished with everything in me that my mom would understand that I'm still the same person, just not religious anymore- and therefore she would support me in my interests and passions; she really could give two shits.

 

Instead of resenting her, or forcing anything on her, I simply decided to just talk to other people.

 

In your wife's case, she needs to hear that she's not the victim; and that wishing for her religion to throw her a pity-party for having to endure an evil atheist is not going to be tolerated. You have the right to tell her to shut the hell up for acting like she's owed something for her troubles. You are not twisting her arm to get her to deconvert, yet she has no problem trying to twist your own emotions around. She needs to stop acting like a shrinking violet to her church friends, and a screaming bitch to you.

 

You owe her nothing in terms of pity in this situation. Neither of you are the victims.

[Christine]

Wow, I feel for you. My husband and I were liberal christians to begin with so we were not very dogmatic, but he grew out of christianity first. I hung on for about a year so there was a time period that was a little rough. I remember one time saying to him," I married a christian man and now I'm married to an atheist." Luckily we are best friends, we talk about everything to each other. He never pushed me to think the way he did, I still don't agree with everything he says but I was curious when I saw books like Sam Harris' or Dawkins' or Misquoting jesus. So I read them, we would discuss them, I came to the same conclusions about christianity. I had a hard time letting go of my imaginary friend. It made me feel safe and secure.

I know my husband didn't choose to be an atheist either. He was curious, not affraid to question, as was I eventually. Speaking for myself, I do believe as a couple you either grow together or you grow apart. I'm hoping you can work things out.

[R. S. Martin]

I think I understand both sides, just as you seem to do. I don't know any answers other than have been given. Religion is so important and the consequences for not believing are so horrendous (for people who believe unbelievers go to hell) that there is no way it can be explained. I get the impression that very many people do choose religion. They haven't a clue as to why they believe this or that (such as why Jesus had to die or how the universe was created) except that "the Bible says so."

 

I have never been able to accept an idea just because someone said so but it seems most people can. For me it has to make sense. For example, if the Bible says Jesus had to die so we could go to heaven, there has to be evidence that something changed in the universe when Jesus died. No such change occurred. Christians are unable to come up with one when I confront them about it. When I ask why Jesus had to die they dig out a few "bright ideas" from the Bible. I just want to scream that I looked at that before they were born and it makes no more sense now than it did then. But it does no good.

 

They believe their very existence depends on believing the Bible. Like I showed, it is not a choice for me. But it seems that for very many people it is. And they have no clue as to why they would change that choice if the consequences are so horrendous. In other words, choosing something else makes no sense. If I remember correctly, you've been working really hard on your marriage ever since your deconversion. I wish you all the best, Mike, but I don't know how to make it happen.

[Llwellyn]

OMG! What a horrible situation!

 

My mother is the most muddled-thinking person on the planet and is also a devout Christian. If my Father deconverted, she would make his life a living nightmare. Christianity is such a pernicious thought-system, and it causes so much strife and division.

 

I feel for you. Don't let your wife indulge herself in the Christian pity and superiority strategy.

[Kurari]

I agree don't let her do that "Boo hoo, I'm such a victim!" nonsense. She is not a victim, so she can pack that guilt crap away.

 

You probably won't get her to understand. Christianity isn't based on a rational thought process, it's pure emotional addiction. There really is no reasoning for that.

 

But you don't have to put up with it. She pulls out the "victim" stuff again, show her she doesn't have a leg to stand on anywhere considering she is free to live and believe as she wants within Christianity, far more than you do.

[Guest thenotchosenone]

That's why Christianity, like ALL OTHER RELIGIONS in my opinion are evil. They tear people apart. I'm going through the same thing now with my girlfriend. We're not married don't have any kids or anything but it hurts because we care about each other. I haven't told my mom or grandmother or other family that I'm no longer a believer because they worry about me enough as it is. You don't have that advantage when its your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend. Fuck religion man fuck it up its stupid ass.

[R. S. Martin]

What Mike can do about it if she decides to take that route? If she is as stubborn as my family the only positive solution is to put distance between the two of you. However, I can understand that you want to try a bit before throwing in the towel. For example, what was the marriage like before your deconversion? I think sometimes people do adjust their attitude if they see that a deconversion is for real, and that it does not make you a bad person.

 

I fear that my siblings conclude that deconversion HAS made me a bad person. They have been so nasty to me for so long that for my own welfare I need to put up a barrier that I had not previously put up. People who measure a person's value by their loyalty to their family will judge me very negatively. What they don't get is that this thing works both ways. If they want me to be part of the family they had better be a family for me, too. People who do nothing but love me as a sinner are not being family. Family loves because the family members love each other just because.

 

I read a nice little story on here somewhere in the last few days. I think it was about a young man and his grandmother. At first she expressed serious disapproval of his decisions. Then she changed. When he was puzzled she explained that he is first of all her grandson and he will always be her grandson.

 

My mother said a similar thing to me some years ago. She said "You will always be my daughter." I feel she carried through on that. We never got along--I think she was disappointed in me from the first time she saw me. But that had nothing to do with religion. She was glad to see me hours before she passed away just because I was her daughter.

 

I think if you wife loves you just because you are her husband or because of who you are, then the religious barrier can be overcome. But if this is just one more thing on top of a conflicted relationship like it was with my siblings....This is something only you know.

[mwc]

How do I make her understand.

Stop it. Just stop it. I've been there, done that. Not with videos but with just about everything else.

 

Answer this. Once she watches the videos...then what? You'll want to discuss them (or at least know her opinion about them), right? Wrong. It will just get worse because she'll dump all over any logical and/or emotional argument you might have made. And since it's your wife it will hurt all that much more. It will be like she's digging her heel right into your heart. And she'll be calling you stupid/ignorant at the same time by insulting your intelligence with her inane apologetics.

 

I straight up asked my wife one day if she'd listen to a single word I said if I actually got a degree (Ph.D) in Theology and she told me to my face "No." This is what you're in for. You can know it all and to her you will know nothing. The guy down the street who literally knows nothing, but "loves jesus" will know everything in her book.

 

So I believe you when you say you'd watch her videos (or whatever else she might produce). I'd do the same (actually I may not anymore...I've kind of reached a point) but I know my wife would not do the same. I know for a fact she signed up to this very website and never read a single post because she didn't want to know what I thought or felt. I've given her mountains of emails with my opinions (among other things) as well as printed copies of things only to be dismissed in a single sentence or to find the printouts buried away somewhere unread. If I were to produce a video I'd expect the same treatment you're getting now. It would be unwatched. The difference between then and now is I simply wouldn't bother to tell her I made it now. Her closed mind does not make her better than me and I don't need her abuse. She truly does believe she is "elect" (a straight forward question got me that rare straight forward answer) and so how can someone hand picked by god be wrong? I'm beneath her. My thoughts and feelings are beneath her.

 

I spent a lot of time trying to understand my wife's feelings but when it became apparent that she made zero effort to understand mine that is when the resentment and rage took over and things got out of hand (and it wasn't just for that incident it was an entire relationship's worth that came rushing out at once). Try not to worry about what you're wife thinks (about anything at this point) and just take some satisfaction from knowing that others are benefiting from what you have to say. I know this seems contrary to the type of person you are but you can't make her understand and it will only make you resentful.

 

mwc

[1oddmanout]

I haven't heard that when confronted with this dilemna (or many Christians for that matter), the wife didn't immediately go to her Bible for guidance and proceed in 'Christian love". Paul addressed this specific question and Reformed commentators have lots of advice for the wife.

xian.doc

[JGJ@ReligionisBullshit]

You can still believe in the message of Jesus without following what is known now as his "religion." Personally, I think Jesus would have a shit fit if he saw what it had become. Between Paul, Constantine, and the Pope it has become a perversion from what it was.

 

You need to find out if her problem is with you not believing in God, Jesus, or it is her own feelings of worth in your eyes. Sometimes Christians get defensive not because you are an atheist, but because they are Christians. No one likes to be shown they are sub-human, illogical, unreasonable, and the myriad of other negative emotions atheists put on those who believe. This is another reason why I skip the religion debates. I KNOW I can make a Christian look like a fool, but that doesn't mean I should. Everytime you make a Christian like like a fool, just remember, that includes your wife.