I Needed It As A Teen...

[Guest Tyranthraxus]

Christianity came into my life when I was a confused, troubled child being dragged kicking and screaming into the world of adulthood by puberty. I have to credit it with this, it probably did prevent me from becoming, at the very least, a teen suicide, or possibly something worse, perhaps I may have killed someone.

 

I've always lagged behind in emotional maturity. Christianity is not solely to blame for this. But it did not help, and it has definitely been a contributing factor to the miserable state of my current life.

 

Christianity provided me with something I desperately needed at the time: a worldview, and a sense of identity. Something beyond myself to live for. A reason to be a "good person".

 

But it also provided me with a way to further stunt my emotional growth. A reason to avoid entering the scary world of dating and girls... until it was too late and I desperately wanted to enter that world but couldn't find the way in.

 

Christianity taught me several things that fucked up my sexuality.

 

1) My sexuality was a bad thing, unless I was married.

 

Coming at the same time as the surge of teenage hormones into my life (I was a late bloomer and only really went into my "Hey, I REALLY like girls!" stage at 15), of course the hormones were impossible to fight completely, hence the start of my lifelong "addiction" to masturbation and porn, causing me to spend several years agonising with guilt and shame over not "loving God enough" to let go of my "sin".

 

At the same time, my fear of change, especially over something I got so much grief over in middle school (i wasn't interested in girls or dating then and it was a large part of me getting picked on, i was very reluctant to do what could be seen as finally giving in, therefore the fact that i was thinking about girls had to be secret from the rest of the world) prevented me from pursuing any romantic relationships with the girls i had secret crushes on, along with:

 

2) You only get one shot at "true love" and marriage.

 

This also played a part. I didn't want to waste emotions on someone I wouldn't end up marrying. Once I got to college, I told myself I would be open to relationships. But I didn't know how to find them as I never involved myself socially as a teenager, I spent my teenage years trying to cling to childhood instead.

 

Also, since I didn't believe in dating someone I wouldn't marry, this meant I would only consider someone who fit my criteria for a good wife: Christian, attractive, into the same types of music, enjoys similar activities like video games, and so forth - not that it mattered since I wouldn't have asked any out due to my painful shyness, which recieved no help from:

 

3) You don't have to seek your mate, leave it in God's hands

 

Needless to say, these 3 lies caused me great grief. My early 20s were characterized by being constantly at war with myself. I was horny as hell but saw no way out other than marriage, and didn't know the first thing about how to get there.

 

Eventually I came to a further realization about myself. One that sank me even further into misery. I realised that I didn't want marriage and all that it entailed. I wanted sex, but I would never be happy in a lifelong commitment for one simple fact.

 

She's gonna get old. And not be cute anymore. Also, I'd kind of like a little variety. Not to have to stick to only one flavor. Plus, watching them do each other is hot, why'd you have to make that wrong, God?

 

Call it shallow, but it's the way I felt. I begged God to change my feelings. To change my desires to ones that were more compatible with a Christian worldview.

 

It never happened. Big fucking surprise.

 

I reached a very miserable state of knowing that I was never going to be happy as a Christian. But at the same time, depending on it for a large part of my very identity, not to mention not wanting to burn forever in Hell.

 

I would have Gollum-like arguments with myself out loud over whether to watch porn or do what I "knew" God wanted me to do (I had just read the part of the bible that says if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off, guess what I thought God wanted me to cut off!). I couldn't enjoy "sinning", and I couldn't enjoy being a Christian.

 

This inability to overcome my problems led to my increasingly fatalistic viewpoint and eventual rejection of the concept of free will. Knowing I had no choice over the desires that caused my choices led to a brief stint of reoganising my theology to a calvinist bent.

 

Of course, this led to me only resenting God more, despite the fact I was supposed to "love" him, that wasn't the way I felt.

 

My crisis of faith came to a head. I looked for anything that could give me an answer that made sense that avoided what I was increasingly fearing to be the case, that I was one of those destined not to be "elect" and thus detined for hell fire.

 

I found a website that offered a convincing argument for an alternative theology, "univeralism". It was a relief and I adopted this theology, because it didn't matter that I didn't love God yet, he still wasn't gonna burn me forever.

 

This lasted as long as it needed to, as without the fear of hell, and with my increasing disconnect from the church meaning i was no longer dependent on it for identity, I quickly started looking at the histiory of the bible from a much more logical and critical basis, and realised there was no real reason to believe to begin with.

 

But unfortunately, this only cured some of the misery. Having still been robbed of my youth and my early 20s, I'm still lonely as hell. And what little identity I have left makes me feel like half a person. I have my geeky hobbies, and thats it. Nothing else that defines me, that differentiates me.

 

I'm not a desirable commodity for the types of girls i'm attracted to on a physical basis. I also don't have the maturity sophisication or experience that those who would want someone my age would desire, even if i wasn't overweight and out of shape. I'm directionless and don't really have anything to give me a reason to live or put up with all the work and pain that is life.

 

And I'm still horny as hell and have no way to satisfy it.

 

Am I less miserable now that I'm not a christian. Yes and no. Yes in the sense that I don't feel guilt anymore. No in the sense that I don't have that hope, false though it was, that something greater than myself was taking care of me and would someday make it better.

 

This isn't one of those losing my faith made my life better in every way testimonies. In some ways it's worse. For the most part, I'm probably better off than I was toward the end of my Christian days, though I miss the innocence and naiveity I once had.

 

But in a lot of ways, I'm still just as miserable as I was before.

 

Anyway, that's my story.

[Dhampir]

Wow. It's amazing how much you sound like me. 'Cept I'm in my early 20's, and I've been out of the theological closet since I was 19, but everything else, wow. I never really wrestled with my porn addiction though, I just rationalized in my early teens that god knows exactly what will get me on his side ( I was a believer, but I never really believed I was 'saved'), and that when he's ready, he'll do it. So in the mean time, don't worry so much about the porn. I 'spose someone who's dealt with this more successfully can give you better advice besides just let yourself get comfortable with what you are and work on improving that, so I'll just say, Yo.

[Robbobrob]

The Good News (could not resist) is that you are still alive, so there is always time to make things better.

 

After a few not so great relationships, I married a woman for the wrong reasons (superfical similarities, things that can and do change with time). After five years we separated.

 

And the way you feel now was how I felt during my "Year of Hell" after separating. I spent a lot of time that year dating (from online dating places) women as diverse as possible, both to clean my mind from the bad things my ex did, and to try new experiences. Some were great, most were awful (remember, year of Hell, LOL). But I learned what I liked and did not like, what I needed and what I could not stand. So, when, almost one year to the day I separated from my ex, I met the woman I am currently married to, I knew exactly what I needed, and knew in short order that she was the one best suited to who I am and what I like.

 

It is not easy. I was 31 when I started that journey from bad relationship to what I have now. You are never too old to start anew and live life to the fullest. I am, several years later, still learning and growing. I never plan to stop making the bad things in my life better. It is the only purpose I care about, dying knowing I improved myself a little everyday, and was a better person for it.

 

Good luck. It will be tough. But you are already on the road to better things, because you know your Right Now is not the best it could be.

[Kuroikaze]

A lot of you're story is very similar to mine, You're problems with relationships sound very similar indeed, as I'm also in my late 20's and have yet to ever be in a long term relationship. I dealt with relationships in college much the same way, so you are not alone.

 

Anyway, welcome to the site, hang around, most of us are pretty nice people. (not me, I'm a jerk, but most of the other people are nice )

[Thurisaz]

Anyway, that's my story.

 

The sad thing about such stories is that, after some time, they all seem to sound very much alike.

 

Anyway, welcome, greetings from goo' ol' Germany, from the (probably) most active follower of the High Gods of the North in this place

 

Yeah, all this anti-sex, anti-emotion et cetera crap that's a part of morontheism of all brands (judaic, christian, islamic) has ruined countless lives. You get my that you'll be able to get over it eventually

 

(I admit that I've had some good wine before writing this, so maybe this posting doesn't make too much sense. Oh well )

[Rhia]

Hey, no worries - it's perfectly okay to be raging angry at religiosity and how it destroys lives. You might've lost a few years, but most of us have. You'll gain them back in your own way.

 

I will say, I was your complete opposite. I believed God wanted me to be completely celebate; and luckily I escaped my first year of college, but it was still a bitch and totally humiliating to look back on nonetheless.

 

So anyway, welcome!

[Gary Thompson]

Porn kicks ass.

 

Greetings from the ass crack of the world (Eastern Europe).

 

My only response to your final question, (whether deconverting was a good choice,) is that while ignorance may be bliss (as in christianity), the truth is far more envigourating, be it with hate, anger, happiness or joy.

[Grandpa Harley]

Welcome aboard. I'm sure you'll get your problems sorted, if they are problems. Try to keep is all in perspective and it'll be fine.

[Thurisaz]

My only response to your final question, (whether deconverting was a good choice,) is that while ignorance may be bliss (as in christianity), the truth is far more envigourating, be it with hate, anger, happiness or joy.

 

It's much like that schoolyard bully you don't dare to take on for a looong time because (for a while) it's much more comfortable not risking bruises... but when finally you've had enough and confront him, after having beaten the shit out of the bastard (no matter how many blows you caught in it all) you feel like the king of the world

[Gary Thompson]

My only response to your final question, (whether deconverting was a good choice,) is that while ignorance may be bliss (as in christianity), the truth is far more envigourating, be it with hate, anger, happiness or joy.

 

It's much like that schoolyard bully you don't dare to take on for a looong time because (for a while) it's much more comfortable not risking bruises... but when finally you've had enough and confront him, after having beaten the shit out of the bastard (no matter how many blows you caught in it all) you feel like the king of the world

 

Absolutely. I couldn't have said it better myself.