Progressive Christianity as an alternative

[Guest Brave Sir Robin]

Here is the situation (probably for some here it's not hypothetical):

 

- Your views have changed since you married your spouse. You used to be a fundamentalist of one sort or another, but now you definitely don't believe most, if not all, of the basic tenets of your former religion. Quite probably, you consider yourself agnostic, or atheist.

 

- Your spouse retains fundamentalist views, and is understandably very upset by your change.

 

- You have children who are accustomed to the church scene. Your spouse expects to train the children according to fundamentalist doctrines. You are not comfortable with this for reasons many here are very familiar with.

 

- You still love your spouse a great deal, and your children, and your spouse loves you as well.

 

Here's the kicker: your spouse is not emotionally or psychologically strong enough to deal with your agnosticism/atheism. Being completely honest about your beliefs will wreak havoc on your relationship, and on the mental well-being of your spouse.

 

Do you:

 

1. Be honest anyway, let the chips fall where they fall

 

2. Adopt a more liberal Christianity, still call yourself a Christian

 

3. Something else? If so, what?

[Lilith]

Here is the situation (probably for some here it's not hypothetical):

 

- Your views have changed since you married your spouse. You used to be a fundamentalist of one sort or another, but now you definitely don't believe most, if not all, of the basic tenets of your former religion. Quite probably, you consider yourself agnostic, or atheist.

 

- Your spouse retains fundamentalist views, and is understandably very upset by your change.

 

- You have children who are accustomed to the church scene. Your spouse expects to train the children according to fundamentalist doctrines. You are not comfortable with this for reasons many here are very familiar with.

 

- You still love your spouse a great deal, and your children, and your spouse loves you as well.

 

Here's the kicker: your spouse is not emotionally or psychologically strong enough to deal with your agnosticism/atheism. Being completely honest about your beliefs will wreak havoc on your relationship, and on the mental well-being of your spouse.

 

Do you:

 

1. Be honest anyway, let the chips fall where they fall

 

2. Adopt a more liberal Christianity, still call yourself a Christian

 

3. Something else? If so, what?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

You've been reading my mail, haven't you?

 

I chose option 1. I'm wondering if shouldn't have chosen option 2, though it still would have been seen as apostacy in his eyes. We are still together, but struggling with the whole Christianity, how-to-raise-the-kids, do-we-go-to-church issue.

[pandora]

Because I tried option 2 with my spouse, I choose 1. It depends on who you're married to...

 

When I told him, he was very distraught, and then the issue went away for a while. Then he became curious as to why I made the choice I made and we started attending liberal churches together. He studied more of what I had learned, and finally came to nearly the same conclusion that I did. We found the liberal churches nice, but kinda half-ass. Does that make sense? They still cling to Christianity out of fear or out of societal duty. Not that they weren't sincere, but after talking to clergy in these liberal churches (Episcopal and UMC), we discovered that most of the ministers don't believe half of what they teach. They remain pastors because they don't knwo what else to do or because they feel church does a society good. yes, you would be encouraged to explore doubts, historical criticism, etc... but the congregants are likely to be nearly as conservative as the old church. Very few of the average joe adherents are as liberal as the public image of the church, and you will find that only the pastors agree with you, but even then you can't get support because they would lose their job if it came out that they rejected Christianity to the level that they do.

 

Anyways, so it ended up that we weren't happy with progressive Christianity. We tried Unitarian Universalist Churches for a while, and that was fun for me, but hubby didn't like it. He tried Quaker Friends meetings, but they too foreign to him. So now, we don't go to church. We explore spirituality when and how we please, sometimes together, sometimes apart. We are cool with that. I used to think my husband wasn't strong enough to deal with my deconversion, but I was wrong. He took it in stride, and it eventually led to more critical thinking on his part. I wouldn't underestimate your partner's ability to deal with it, but it may take some time.

 

I think you should "come clean" and make sure she/he knows why you have changed your beliefs. Make sure your discussions center around understanding so she can put herself in your shoes. After that point, if she still is distraught, then a progressive church might be a decent compromise.

[pandora]

Addendum: I notice you are new, welcome! I hope we can help you feel not so alone... you are indeed brave, sir robin!

[Japedo]

Do you:

 

1. Be honest anyway, let the chips fall where they fall

 

2. Adopt a more liberal Christianity, still call yourself a Christian

 

3. Something else? If so, what?

 

 

 

I say go with Number one, be honest, living a lie doesn't benefit anyone least of all your marriage and it's also teaching your kids to conform blindly to keep the peace (which is what doctrines do), rather then to use reason and logic.

 

I think the best way to deal with your spouse is explain how you arrived at your conclusion, what you see wrong ,That you feel the need to question with logical answers and what have you. I don't think this will be easy on any level, that being said not much in life IS easy. Perhaps you don't have to come right out and say "Atheist" as the word itself has a shock value to those deep in belief, it's sort of the unthinkable to a ' God' conditioned mind. Use words like Free thinker, Seeking the truth, A real God would provide evidence, aren't we suppose to "prove all things?" ask questions that will start to make your spouse think with out allowing them to dwell on the fact you'll be burning in hell for eternity as you well know, It's what Christians are conditioned to believe will happen if you question. Far as the kids go, ask if you can try different churches, or perhaps get tickets to a ballgame, on a Sunday. Or plan a family day on a few Sundays a month. (??)

 

I know myself went thru an emotional rollercoaster confusion, sadness, a sense of loss, fear of hell, et al. I know that my family like it or not had to travel that road with me to some degree. Today I'm more hostile to Churches because they are based on lies, and use fear to mind control. I have contempt for them and don't hid it. Perhaps someday I'll get past the anger part, but it's highly doubtful, as family members are still stuck in the cult.

[Ouroboros]

Welcome to the round table, Brave Sir Robin!

 

Another knight to our site.

 

And he will steal from the Rich Churches and bring it to the Poor Apostates!

[Purple Rhino]

Great thread and welcome!

 

I say be honest but sensitive to their needs. I wouldn't just dump "I'm athiest now" kind of thing. More on "I really need to talk to you about the changes in faith that I have."

 

Letting the person know that my faith or lack of has very little to do with my affections for them, and I still respect their right to believe as they do.

 

 

It really did sound better in my head.

 

PR

[☆ TexasFreethinker ☆]

Here's the kicker: your spouse is not emotionally or psychologically strong enough to deal with your agnosticism/atheism. Being completely honest about your beliefs will wreak havoc on your relationship, and on the mental well-being of your spouse.

 

Do you:

 

1. Be honest anyway, let the chips fall where they fall

 

2. Adopt a more liberal Christianity, still call yourself a Christian

 

3. Something else? If so, what?

In the fundy household I grew up in, you were no better off being a "fake" christian than a non-believer. (Fake meaning something other than Southern Baptist, or denominations that were Southern Baptist in everything but name).

 

It's the old "it's better to be hot or cold, rather than lukewarm" line of thought.

 

So, I say (hypothetically), be honest, but do so in a loving and caring way. A relationship built on dishonesty, or one where one partner feels s/he has to hide her/his true feelings about one of the most important areas of life is not very stable.

[☆ TexasFreethinker ☆]

Forgot to say: Welcome BSR!

[Amethyst]

I don't have a spouse, but I've tried liberal Christianity. I still couldn't bring myself to believe that Jesus was anything other than a myth.

[been borg again]

I choosea version of #2.

I stopped being honest with my christian wife, she takes everything I say out of context.

I dearly love my wife, but she fits the stereotype of a blond airhead.

Think of Jessica Simpson, but at the same time I love my wife dearly because she is always happy,quick too laugh, and brightens up the day.

Like they say , Ignorance is Bliss.

I totaly give up on explaining anything to her, I just tell her anymore what she wants to hear. I do my thing, she does hers. I gave up trying to interest her in academic, religion, science.. unless I can find a movie like " what the Bleep do we know." then its impossible to induce any sort of curiosity in her.

So in my case, I think its better just to keep my lack of belief to myself

Sure i feel lonely sometimes and really out of place, but it could always be worse. I guess I have to walk down my own road alone.

[Guest Brave Sir Robin]

I've chosen to implement a version of option 2, to keep peace in the family. As some have noted here and in the similar thread "What do you do", outright admission of atheism or agnosticism is very likely to create a nasty rift.

 

I respect my spouse's beliefs even though I disavow many of those beliefs myself.

 

I recognize that it is I who have changed, and that my change is understandably difficult for her to deal with. She married a 'True Christian', and my change is tough for her.

 

So, for now, I don't have too much of a problem going along with a liberal form of Christianity, as a compromise. I'm agnostic, not completely atheistic, so it's not too hard to do, and hopefully will prove worth it in the end.

 

In my mind, "God" becomes a sort of non-anthropomorphic 'ground of all being', to quote Tillich or Spong, or a metaphor for all that is good within humanity - God is Love, that sort of thing. Jesus becomes an icon of connectivity to God (but not the only one), and rituals like baptism and communion become activities of community. Prayer is an act of human caring and an outlet or method for the power of positive

thinking, etc.

 

Hey, it might sound kind of fluffy, but I am doing my best to make this work. In an ideal world, my wife would have gone through the deconversion process with me - but in her ideal world, I would never have changed as I have.

 

Thanks for the replies, and the welcome.

[Lilith]

Best of luck, Brave Sir. Let us know how it goes.

[been borg again]

I've chosen to implement a version of option 2, to keep peace in the family. As some have noted here and in the similar thread "What do you do", outright admission of atheism or agnosticism is very likely to create a nasty rift.

 

I respect my spouse's beliefs even though I disavow many of those beliefs myself.

 

I recognize that it is I who have changed, and that my change is understandably difficult for her to deal with. She married a 'True Christian', and my change is tough for her.

 

So, for now, I don't have too much of a problem going along with a liberal form of Christianity, as a compromise. I'm agnostic, not completely atheistic, so it's not too hard to do, and hopefully will prove worth it in the end.

 

In my mind, "God" becomes a sort of non-anthropomorphic 'ground of all being', to quote Tillich or Spong, or a metaphor for all that is good within humanity - God is Love, that sort of thing. Jesus becomes an icon of connectivity to God (but not the only one), and rituals like baptism and communion become activities of community. Prayer is an act of human caring and an outlet or method for the power of positive

thinking, etc.

 

Hey, it might sound kind of fluffy, but I am doing my best to make this work. In an ideal world, my wife would have gone through the deconversion process with me - but in her ideal world, I would never have changed as I have.

 

Thanks for the replies, and the welcome.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I like your fluffy-ness. I think its a healthy way to look at things

 

I am glad to find another who thinks in the same way I do, when it comes to trying to find the positive in your wifes religion and its rituals, and how to tolerate it.

It took me a few years to come to this state of mind, but now I am in the mental position where I can see things in this mentality, and also stop taking things so seriously. also it puts me in a good mood when I can see the humour in it.

Sunday church service, sometimes I just have to laugh out loud because its so stupid ( i.e. primitive & ritualistic).