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Anyone Else Feel They Weren't Really Living Life?


Guest Saylavie2u2
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Guest Saylavie2u2

Hi everyone! I've been lurking here for awhile, but just joined the forum today. I've been going through the deconversion process for about 2 yrs. now. I did try a brief stint back into Xianity for a few months, but I just couldn't believe all that garbage anymore. Anyway, lately I've been thinking about how when I was involved with Xianity I really wasn't living my own life. I really was living my life for god and Jesus and everything I did was to please them. Rather than enjoying life and doing the things I wanted to do, I was always doing what I thought would please god. For example, even though I rarely got anything out of church and the sermons, I went every Sunday instead of going shopping, reading, hanging out with friends and family, or just watching a movie. I rarely read any of the best selling books because the majority of them had something in them that would be considered sinful by Xianity (vulgar language, taking god's name in vain, sexually explicit scenes, violence, etc.). I was always thinking about others first and rarely thought to put myself first. Because I was so busy doing for everyone else and worrying about meeting their needs, I neglected my own health and well being. I kept thinking that god would take care of me because I was doing his "will" in helping and putting others before myself. Well, imagine my surprise now that I'm dealing with type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure! So much of my life was like this - expecting god to just take care of things and even if he didn't, well there was always heaven to look forward to. For the 20+ years I was involved with Xianity I don't think I ever lived one moment of my life for myself. It has been drilled into Xtians not to expect too much in this life (except for the name-it-and-claim-it word of faith people - which is a whole other story) and basically just grin and bear it and you'll get your reward in the next life. I can't believe how blind and stupid I was to actually believe I'm going to have any other life than the one I have right now!!! What's wrong with living this life right here and right now? Now that I'm away from Xianity and all its crap, I see clearly now that there isn't any thing at all wrong with it!

 

I now enjoy sleeping in on Sundays especially since it's the only day I can do this. I enjoy getting out on Sundays going shopping or going to the library or sitting outside with a good book or visiting friends and family. I'm putting myself and my health at the forefront now and I'm taking responsibility for how I treat this body I have - especially as it's the only one I'm going to have as far as I can tell. But, I have to tell you one of the best things that has happened to me is that I no longer live with the stress of having to put up with people in my life who've treated me like crap! I don't have to forgive them, act like they never did anything to me, and continue taking their crap because I'm no longer obligated to be around them and be friends or family with them! You all have no idea how horrible it's been having to suck up and be nice to people who are nothing but complete assholes - including my jackass in-laws who show blatant favoritism between their kids and grandkids! I've made the decision that my daughter and I are NEVER stepping foot in my in-laws' house again -EVER. Even if they die, we won't be there! I've adopted Oprah's version of forgiveness which is releasing the hope that the past could have turned out any different than it did over the bible's forgive-forget-turn-the-other-cheek-and-keep-getting-used-and-slapped-in-the-face version. Since giving up Xianity, I've felt the weight of the world removed from my shoulders. I finally feel like I'm living for the first time since I was a kid and it feels incredible!

 

Do any of you live your life differently than you did when you were involved with Xianity?

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Heh - my entire life is different now :)

 

I can sympathize with how it felt like your entire life, every breath, was done for Xian mythology. You get so much of that sort of brainwashing in most every Xian sect, the sort of spiel that you have to live your entire life for The Lord Enslaver and dedicate every single damned action to him, you feel like you can't even enjoy a cup of coffee by yourself and for yourself without guilt or some other anxiety creeping up. You have to live for Jebus or else you just ain't livin' :jerkit:

 

It is insidious how fervent Xian spread their religion and insist that it take precedence in every aspect of life. It just isn't natural to encourage that level of obsession in people, especially with threats of eternal suffering as the punishment if you don't put Jebus in the center of everything. That sort of mind-control is sick and is a big part of what makes Xianity so reprehensible. So many good lives have been wasted with that garbage... :angry:

 

Anyhoo, welcome to the site! Hope you enjoy your stay :wave:

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Do any of you live your life differently than you did when you were involved with Xianity?

 

Aside from not feeling guilt over my personal thoughts and actions, the confidence that I've gained in myself, and not making decisions heavily based on emotions, not too differently. Of course, I was always somewhat of an unconventional Christian to begin with (in that I actually had pretty good morals and could use my brain :D). Also, I've only been officially out of the cult for 5 months now. We'll see what I'm like at the 2 year mark.

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I think the biggest difference for me was all the spare time I suddenly had. Not only did I attend Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings, I was also in the orchestra, managed the music library and took care of the choir robes. I attended every special event and party. I remember the first week that I didn't attend any activities. I felt a little sad but also a bit giddy. That Sunday was the beginning of an indulgence I do almost every week...a long soak in a bubble bath with my favorite scented candles lit and a good book at hand. This is much better than Bible study...trust me. :)

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My current life, really doesn't resemble my old life at all.

I didn't realise I was a robot though, back then. I was a happy robot, thought I was living life to its fullest, being content with pre-scripted answers to everything, and what a fine evangelical robot I was. Then I got pissed at God.

 

-Now, I drink, and was on the verge of being an alcoholic at one point in time.

-I smoke, tobacco, cloves, salvia, weed, and other things.

-I swear.

-My hair is long, and I have two labria piercings.

-I wear monochrome black almost all the time. Including a black leather trench coat.

-I live by a creed of "Sex, drugs, and rock & roll."

-I listen to much rock 'n roll, metal, death metal, black metal, and others. I absolutly love Dimmu Borgir's new album "In Sorte Diaboli."

-Have become well known as a non-conformist.

-I study the Occult, and Pagan religions.

-I enjoy raising my two middle fingers to salute people with.

-I hate Bush. (I'm almost to embarassed to admit this, since it implies I was a fan of his.)

-I enjoy giving and recieving oral sex, and enjoy sex overall now.

-I don't blame Satan for holding me back and preventing me from talking to people to spread the Gospel, as know I understand I have Asperger's Syndrome, a real "force" that causes that.

-I have tossed my golden cross neclace for a nice silver pentagram and rune sword.(nickel silver and pewter actually)

-Oh, and the big ones, I call myself the Anti-Christ, I admire Lucifer, and I became a minister just to call myself "Reverend Anti-Christ" or by my wrestling alias "Rev. Warhart."

 

And why do I do these? "Cause I'm as free as a bird now." (Another embarasment, I never even heard that song, or heard of it, until I deconverted.)

Overall though, I must "Thanks for pissing me off God....it has given me such a wonderful life."

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My life is very different, not in the feelings of my actions have changed. I still do much of the same day to day stuff, but now I feel free. I'm free to live life, not morn life. For years my life was day in and day out preparing and studying for the big fights and the wars for souls, now I couldn't be happier that I don 't have to save the world. I just have to enjoy the part I have in it.

 

I actually wrote something about this topic..if you care to read it.

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Welcome to the forums, thro. Someone else may have welcomed you earlier, but I just noticed that this is only your second post here. I applaud your decision to leave the cult, especially seeing that you hail from Atlanta. You must be bathing in Christianity down there :). Once again, welcome and I hope you enjoy your stay.

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Now that I look back on it, I feel as if I wasn't living my own damned life at all.

No sex, No thinking for myself, no questioning anything.

 

Now, it's sex (sometimes) drugs and rock and roll!!

Just not carelessly, as I want to be able to wake up the next morning.

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Hi everyone! I've been lurking here for awhile, but just joined the forum today. I've been going through the deconversion process for about 2 yrs. now. I did try a brief stint back into Xianity for a few

 

For me religion was a fuckin bag of guilt and insecurity for over 40 fuckin years. I am at the 2 year mark of taking that crap seriously. Social constraints force me to church now and then, but I just put on the show to get by and say fuck it when I leave. I enjoy swearing and being myself now.

Godamn fuckin prayer was a big waste of time.I feel very free to expressmyself and enjoy the loss of guilt over the sinfullness over every fuckin thought or trivial action.

The devil made me do it or thats temptation or the holy spirit is affecting your conscience,,,,,all fuckin crap!

I do believe in the golden rule and try to live life loving one another. I am also strongly pro life as I believe that there are things that are just plain immoral. Thats my take on your post anway. Be well

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Welcome to the forums, thro. Someone else may have welcomed you earlier, but I just noticed that this is only your second post here. I applaud your decision to leave the cult, especially seeing that you hail from Atlanta. You must be bathing in Christianity down there :). Once again, welcome and I hope you enjoy your stay.

 

CJ,

Thanx for the welcome. I read about this site through the mentioning of it in the book "god vs the bible".Bathing in fundamentalism isn't even the right term for being down in the belt buckle of the bible belt. Everyday is a day of shock of seeing what people give up or take away in the name of their dogmatic ideas.

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The one major way my life is different? I no longer feel guilty for every little thing I do. Christianity made me feel guilty for simply liking science fiction and fantasy books, for being creative and thinking about things, for writing stories using the imagination, etc. I can now do the things I love and not hate myself for them because the church didn't approve.

 

Other than that, my life has not changed much. But I can at least enjoy it now.

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Guest deal r

I've been a liberal/non-literal Christian for a while now so gradually coming out of the closet and admitting to myself some disbeliefs has not been a huge deal in comparison.

 

However, the more that I do this, the more angry that I get at what I see as the loss and waste of my childhood. Firstly, I feel that I missed out on a load of fun stuff. Secondly, I think that my education really suffered as nobody was too bothered whether I got any qualifications or not, I was just going to be a good christian wife and mother anyway.

 

I have my own kids now and spend so much time making sure that they have a variety of activities and opportunities to follow their interests. I also take an active interest in their education and attempt to help them get the most out of it. The more that I do this, the more I can see the gaps in opportunities that I had and it is difficult to get these back as an adult. So to me the biggest damage was as a fundy kid which has very longterm effects.

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I was also a pretty liberal Christian, so I never did some of the things that many on here were sadly coerced to do. However, I still managed to feel guilty about a lot of normal things, and I wasted a lot of time at the church. In high school, I had a good friend who was a Hindu (now an atheist, I believe), and I wrestled mentally with the idea that she would go to hell unless someone convinced her to be a Christian. I felt terribly burdened by this idea, as I was her friend and I believed that I would be to blame for her damnation. One time, my pastor gave a sermon about witnessing, and I broke down in tears afterwards and told him how worried I was about her. I barely remember what he said; it was unmemorable and typical. I didn't leave with much relief, that's for sure. Luckily, though, my reticence to evangelize in any way won out (thank goodness I always had that!!!), and I never tried to witness to her. I am so glad that I didn't! I'm sure I would have lost her as a friend, or at least lost her respect, and I value her friendship even now, several years later.

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This is all pretty new to me; it's only been a few weeks since I de-converted. A lot of my feelings are still a bit jumbled, but I have been surprised by a couple of things. I felt this huge burden of guilt lift off that I didn't know was even there. When I was a Christian, there was no way I could ever be good enough. I was supposed to acknowledge and confess my sins all of the time. Then I felt guilty because I couldn't think of any sins, so I must be full of pride so I'd confess that. Didn't get credit for any of the good stuff I did, though; God got the credit for anything good I did. Feeling inadequate and not being able to feel any pride in myself really sucked. A couple of times lately I've thought about some of my accomplishments and realized I did that, not some invisible silent god floating around in the clouds somewhere. It feels great to feel proud of myself!

 

Another thing I've noticed is that I feel more free to just be happy and enjoy life around me. I can remember hearing in many a sermon," God doesn't care if you're happy, he just wants you to become more like Christ." Wow, what fun. Have you ever noticed there are no jokes in the Bible? Well, maybe there are but they weren't intended that way and I don't know any Christians who are laughing. What a depressing way to live!

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