4truth Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 It's only been a few weeks since I've rejected Christianity. I've been married for 28 years to a caring, supportive husband. Our marriage and family have always revolved around the church. When I came to my decision, my husband was totally shocked. He'd never been one to spend much time talking about spiritual things and has expressed doubts in the past, but now that I've said that I don't believe ANY of Christian doctrine he has decided that he believes it ALL. He is acting like I am some kind of alien he doesn't know how to communicate with. To his credit, he is not trying to convince me of anything and says he supports whatever I need to do to be happy. Maybe time will settle a lot of this; it seems better than a few weeks ago. Do any of you married to spouses who are still Christian have any suggestions about how to get through the adjustments of this huge change? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 I'm not married, so I can't offer you any advice on that front 4truth. But I'm happy to see that you've had the courage to be honest with your spouse in all this. I hope it goes smoothly for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Llwellyn Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 When I stopped being a Christian, my parents, who had previously been quite moderate, reacted by taking a fundamentalist stance. It's wierd, it's like there can be a kind of polarization after a deconversion that never existed before. After I deconverted, everything I said was scrutinized for "ideological correctness" by them, and vice versa. In a way, I can no longer respect them as parents or trust what they say, and there has been a serious breakdown in our relationship. I hope that this doesn't happen to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garrisonjj Posted June 10, 2007 Share Posted June 10, 2007 It's only been a few weeks since I've rejected Christianity. I've been Greetings! I am married 18 yaers and we were totally law abiding catholics. I gradually began to leave all religion and stopped going to church. Happily, my wife also followed suit. Incredibly, we have 2 children in catholic school learning and receiving all the sacraments as we believe its our duty to expose them and later they can decide as we did. I believe worship and religion is bull, and I believe my wife feels the same as we rarely discuss it. Therefore my agnostic views and probable atheism develops and my wife seems to silently support my unstated yet, I am sure, clearly noted views. If you wish to talk please feel free to pm me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwc Posted June 10, 2007 Share Posted June 10, 2007 It's only been a few weeks since I've rejected Christianity. I've been married for 28 years to a caring, supportive husband. Our marriage and family have always revolved around the church. When I came to my decision, my husband was totally shocked. He'd never been one to spend much time talking about spiritual things and has expressed doubts in the past, but now that I've said that I don't believe ANY of Christian doctrine he has decided that he believes it ALL. He is acting like I am some kind of alien he doesn't know how to communicate with. To his credit, he is not trying to convince me of anything and says he supports whatever I need to do to be happy. Maybe time will settle a lot of this; it seems better than a few weeks ago. Do any of you married to spouses who are still Christian have any suggestions about how to get through the adjustments of this huge change? It could be just be that he needs time. Don't forget that in times like this that you've had time to deal with it but you've simply "dropped a bomb" on him so he's reacting in a largely defensive manner. This "it's all true" could simply be his own insecurities coming to the surface. You might want to just back off and see what happens. My own experience was nothing like this but the end result was very traumatic and has opened a rift between my wife and myself. It seems that it happens more frequently that we'd care for it to but for something so deeply emotional it's not really surprising. I hope things work out for you...quickly and painlessly. mwc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest seekeroftruth Posted June 10, 2007 Share Posted June 10, 2007 Hi there! I've had to deal with a similar topic lately. My liberal Christian husband of two years knew before we were married that I had rejected Christianity and embraced paganism, as he had once done during a truth search. Until last week, he was under the impression that people had pushed me away from the religion, which is partly true. I really thought that decent Christian folk knew how to act better. But it wasn't just the people. When I began questioning four years ago, I realized that none of it made any sense. The whole think fell apart so quickly that my brain couldn't take it. I had to shut it out of my life. And my darling husband doesn't seem to understand that the pain still lasts to this day. I feel like I've been lied to my whole life. Only in the last couple of weeks have I found websites like these and know that I'm not the only one out there who feels like this, and it's given me a renewed strength. My husband had decided that he feels uncomfortable when I read "Christian-bashing" sites. We actually got into a shouting argument, which we haven't done before since the birth of our six-month old son. I basically told him that he will not censor what I read in my own house. He accused me of intolerance, even though he makes fun of Mormons and JW's and scientologists. We have somehow reached an unspoken truce, and Christianity is not discussed. One thing that really gets me ready some of the Christian responses regarding ex-christians: they say that we never never were really Christians. That pisses me off. Who are these people, to tell me what I felt. They don't know about the countless hours on knees, crying and praying. They don't know what I have been through. I will continue my search for truth all the days of my life. I hope the same for you all. Your friendly neighborhood freethinking witch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheKreativeKat Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 I can sympathize with your situation. When I left the faith, I was in a serious relationship. I had been divorced from a Christian man and went into another relationship with a fundamental Baptist. He wasn't quite as uptight as the rest of them though. We even had a child and lived together out of wedlock. But once I decided I couldn't believe in Christianity anymore, he got extremely fundie on me. It got really weird. He wouldn't let me go down on him because it was "unnatural". Couldn't do it doggie style because that's how "homosexuals do it". I wasn't allowed to watch r-rated movies anymore. He started listening to strictly instrumental jazz and easy listening music, because songs with lyrics were a tool of satan. Started sending tithes every week to his home church (which he only attended services at about once a year because it was in another state). He started telling one of his fundie friends about how I refused to go to church anymore. His friend told him he needed to "keep me in line" so that he could save face. Eventually he left me, saying that the Bible told him he could not associate with those who have gone over to satan's team. Then he threatened to sue for sole custody of our son, because "people who don't believe in God could not raise moral kids, therefore are unfit parents." I told him he would be a dead man if he ever took my son away from me. He didn't press the issue further. He came over to my apartment one night as he was about to leave Georgia and go back to live in his hometown to take care of his ailing parents. I answered the door wearing my pentacle necklace and the first words out of his mouth were, "Oh, great! So now you're a satan worshiper!" LOL His response was actually kind of funny. Anyway, just realize that this is a shock to him right now. He may feel it's his obligation to lead by example and "bring you back into the fold". Even liberal Christians are Christians and believe in eternal damnation and don't like the thought of their loved ones spending eternity in hell. But at least he's not being pushy and maybe after some time it will blow over and things will settle. During this time it's important to have an open dialogue about what you are both going through. Be clear in your feelings, beliefs and intentions. Let him know that even if you no longer believe, that you support his faith regardless and tell him you would appreciate him returning the courtesy. The bottom line is that there is hope for you because you're not married to a total fundie :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Llwellyn Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 He wouldn't let me go down on him because it was "unnatural". Couldn't do it doggie style because that's how "homosexuals do it". Wow, that guy sounds like a real romantic! That is sooooo hawt! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigile Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 Incredibly, we have 2 children in catholic school learning and receiving all the sacraments as we believe its our duty to expose them and later they can decide as we did. You believe you have a duty in indoctrinating your kids so that they can kick, scream and claw their way out the way you had to? What did your kids ever do to you that you feel they deserve this kind of abuse? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheKreativeKat Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 What did your kids ever do to you that you feel they deserve this kind of abuse? I don't feel that it is ever right to accuse people of abusing their children when they are doing what they feel is best. Not everyone who attends Catholic school is being abused and indoctrinated. Many non-theist parents send their children to parochial school simply because private education is usually better and there aren't any secular private schools in their area. I see nothing wrong with parents not pushing anything on their children. There was a Wiccan couple a few years ago who were involved in a very heated custody battle because their son went to a Catholic school simply for the good education and when their son mentioned his parents being Wiccan, the State took their son from them. Kind of sad, actually, but it just goes to show you that their are non-christian parents who send their kids to Christian private schools. I'm sure their children know their parents are no longer practicing Catholics. I think it's good for children to be exposed to a diverse range of religious teachings and cultures so that they can make choices as adults. My son knows all about Wiccan rituals, but I also read him stories from a children's Bible. I have him enrolled in a Christian-based homeschool program because it's the best home-based curriculum out there. I defy you to accuse me of abusing my son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheKreativeKat Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 I would also like to add (as I do not have the option of editing my posts yet) that we don't know the specifics of Garrison's situation. We do not know if his children are little or teenagers. We do not know if this Catholic school is a place where his children have gone for some time and have developed relationships with their teachers and classmates and they chose to not leave the school. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest seekeroftruth Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 You read your children stories from the buy-bull?!? Why in the name of Reason would you do that? With the pushing of that BS in our culture as absolute truth, do you want to add to your kids' confusion? I do not allow my husband to keep a buy-bull where my son or other children can have access to it, because it is one of the most insidious, violent, hate-filled books that one can ever read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheKreativeKat Posted June 13, 2007 Share Posted June 13, 2007 You read your children stories from the buy-bull?!? Why in the name of Reason would you do that? With the pushing of that BS in our culture as absolute truth, do you want to add to your kids' confusion? I do not allow my husband to keep a buy-bull where my son or other children can have access to it, because it is one of the most insidious, violent, hate-filled books that one can ever read. For starters, it's a children's Bible story book. It isn't filled will all of the gruesome stories of rape, incest, murder, genocide, etc. I find that shielding children from all religion and then sending them off into the world when they are in the trying, confusing teenage years or (even worse) as an adult breeds confusion. At least he is exposed to a diverse range of religious teachings so that he can make an informed choice when he gets older. If I only exposed him to what I believe in, I feel that would not produce in him an open mind. He has also seen my stones and Tarot cards and is inquisitive about those. I told him about my Buddha statuette. I am balancing it out. I'm not telling him Christianity is the only way knowing that mindset is crap. I refuse to give my son the impression that religious beliefs or faith or no faith at all are inherently bad. It's what you do with those beliefs, or lack thereof, that can yield negative consequences. At least this way I am not pushing any one set of beliefs on him at an impressionable age. He will be able to discern what is best for him without any of my personal biases interfering in his decision-making process. That is the problem children face when they are raised in a home of fundamentalist ideas. And yes, Atheists can be fundies as well. Extreme Atheism is just as bad as extreme Christianity. I've known Atheists personally who have said if their children converted to Christianity they would disown them, just as I've known Christians who have disowned their kids after deconverting. I don't want to be that parent who beats my son over the head with a set of beliefs, or lack thereof. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest seekeroftruth Posted June 13, 2007 Share Posted June 13, 2007 I apologize: I never meant to suggest that children should never be exposed to other religions. I concede the point. I guess I just feel like my son gets exposed to Christianity enough (through family and friends) , that I would rather spend my time with him exposing him to the less public religions and freethinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheKreativeKat Posted June 13, 2007 Share Posted June 13, 2007 I accept your apology, Seekerofthruth, although an apology was not necessary. I was not at all offended by your opinion. I'm lucky in the sense that my mother is a deconvert and my father has become a much more laid back Christian, so my son isn't exposed to fundamentalism. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest seekeroftruth Posted June 14, 2007 Share Posted June 14, 2007 I guess I'm pretty lucky too. The majority of fundamentalism in my family is on my side of the family, and they all live on the east coast. My in-laws are great a great bunch of hippies. They are where my husband gets his liberal view of Christianity. I also made it very plain to them that I was done with Christianity before we got married, and they have never tried to convert me. In fact, my MIL was a Job's Daughter and into Baha'i before she met my Nazarene FIL (who was outcast from his family due to liberalism) in college. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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