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Top Ten Signs You're A Fundamentalist Christian


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Guest Badgod!

This is my first...be gentle! I just found your site...very releived! The following is from a great site (although I have a suspicion that many have read this before):

 

Evil Bible

 

Top Ten Signs You're a Fundamentalist Christian

 

 

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

 

9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

 

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

 

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!

 

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

 

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

 

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

 

 

3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

 

2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

 

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.

 

~Badgod

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7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!

 

Oh no, not the trees!!! My town is full of tree huggers, no wonder I don't run into fundies, they would never be down for anything like that.

 

harming the trees *shakes head* They can't even move to get away!

 

 

I actually believe that there is a high value to prayer, it does positive things.

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I actually believe that there is a high value to prayer, it does positive things.

 

I agree with you to a point. Prayer does make the person doing the praying feel good, but that's all it does. There is no evidence that prayer actually accomplishes anything at all, other than giving the person doing the praying the "warm fuzzies".

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You must be a Christian if...

 

1. You believe that an ancient Book of Myths filled with contradictions, absurdities, atrocities, myths, fables, and plenty of nonhistorical "history" is somehow magically the inerrant, infallible "Word of God".

 

2. You believe that a Magical Being magically brought the universe into existence by speaking a powerful magical spell from Nowhere approximately 6000 years ago.

 

3. You believe, concerning the origins of mankind, that a Magical Being magically made us by fashioning a doll from a mound of scooped up dirt, which he then somehow magically brought to life via His Spook who is also somehow magically Him.

 

4. You believe that Three Magical Beings are somehow magically One Magical Being, and that the Three Magical Beings who are One Magical Being are somehow magically Each Other.

 

5. You believe that mankind "fell from grace" and deserves to be barbecued eternally because two primitive people who lived in an awesome garden located somewhere in the Middle East listened to a lying talking snake and ate some forbidden magic fruit from a magic tree.

 

6. You believe that this Magical Being who magically created the universe and us is "all-knowing" even though He lost track of Adam in the awesome garden and that he is "all-powerful" even though He has trouble with iron chariots.

 

7. You believe that you possess some sort of magical inner spook that is the "real" you. You believe that this inner spook can be magically transformed by a Sky Spook and even lived in by an Invisible Sky Man via that same Sky Spook.

 

8. You believe that because the first two magically created people disobeyed the Magical Being due to the influence of a lying talking snake and some magic inner spook-killing fruit, that all men are born with their inner spooks killed and in need of a magical transformation courtesy of a Sky Spook.

 

9. You believe that an Invisible Man who lives in the Sky is going to kick a talking snake's ass by sacrificing Himself to Himself and then Magically Undeadening Himself. You believe that if we believe that the Invisible Man is Magically Undead, that a Sky Spook who is also somehow magically the Invisible Man will Magically Undeaden our inner spooks and magically live inside of us and at the same time will "seal" our inner spooks as His so that it is kept safe from the diabolical attacks of the Talking Snake and his evil spooks.

 

10. You believe that this enormous universe which consists of approximately 125 billion galaxies was created specifically for mankind, and that human history reflects a cosmic battle between an Invisible Man who lives in the Sky and an evil spook who enjoys manifesting as a talking snake. You believe that humans are divided into two groups - those who serve the Invisible Sky Man and those who serve the Talking Snake.

 

11. You believe that since we "fell from grace" because of some magic fruit and a lying talking snake that we need redemption, and that to accomplish this the Magical Being sacrificed Himself to Himself to save us from Himself. But, you also believe that the Magical Being's sacrifice somehow magically doesn't count unless we believe it and accept it.

 

12. You believe that a Magical Being somehow magically became a man, and that this Manly Magical Being murdered Himself and then Magically Undeadened Himself three days later via the Sky Spook version of Himself so He wouldn't have to toss us into an eternal flaming torture chamber because of the unfortunate incident involving the lying talking snake and the magic fruit.

 

13. You believe that a Sky Spook who is somehow magically the Magical Being raped a woman named Mary who somehow magically remained a virgin after being raped, and that this glorious union produced a child who was somehow magically the Magical Being embodied.

 

14. You believe that after the Manly Magical Being magically Magically Undeadened Himself, He somehow magically blasted off and flew up into the clouds to live in the Sky Kingdom with His Father who is also somehow magically Him.

 

15. You believe that at literally any moment you could find yourself magically floating up into the clouds to join an Invisible Magically Undead Sky Man in a long-awaited event known as "The Rapture". You are so convinced of the imminent nature of this absurd event that you have placed a bumper sticker on your car that reads, "WARNING: In the event of Rapture, this vehicle will be unmanned." Assuming that you are not driving a convertible with the top down most of the time, the issue of how you would float through the roof of your car has never concerned you. You have just left it up to the magic of the Magic Sky Man.

 

16. You believe that the sky can somehow magically be rolled up like a scroll, and you believe that a Sky Dragon can somehow magically toss a third of the stars down upon the earth, and that the earth will somehow magically survive this assault.

 

17. You believe that the universe is magically being held together by an Invisible Man who lives in the Sky.

 

18. You believe that the Magic Sky Man is preparing to ride His Sky Horse down from the Sky Kingdom very soon. You find yourself filled with joyous anticipation at the thought of the senseless torture and slaughter of billions of non-Christian people who will then be tossed into a flaming torture chamber forever to be barbecued without mercy and without any hope of reprieve because when these horrific events occur it signals the end of the line for the Talking Snake and his evil minions (including those pesky rational, thinking people) and the beginning of a wonderful magical eternal life for you up in the Sky with your Three Invisible Friends who are somehow magically One Invisible Friend.

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I actually believe that there is a high value to prayer, it does positive things.

 

I agree with you to a point. Prayer does make the person doing the praying feel good, but that's all it does. There is no evidence that prayer actually accomplishes anything at all, other than giving the person doing the praying the "warm fuzzies".

 

If they are praying for someone who is sick, or in trouble then it can even help out that individual as well. If the individual is a believer and knows that you are praying for them it can give them hope and even help them more if the individual BELIEVES that it is helping them.

 

If you're an occultist you might put a higher value on those prayers as well.

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I actually believe that there is a high value to prayer, it does positive things.

 

I agree with you to a point. Prayer does make the person doing the praying feel good, but that's all it does. There is no evidence that prayer actually accomplishes anything at all, other than giving the person doing the praying the "warm fuzzies".

 

If they are praying for someone who is sick, or in trouble then it can even help out that individual as well. If the individual is a believer and knows that you are praying for them it can give them hope and even help them more if the individual BELIEVES that it is helping them.

 

If you're an occultist you might put a higher value on those prayers as well.

Scientific studies have shown that people who know that they are being prayed for actually fare significantly worse than those who don't know they are being prayed for. See this link:

 

http://www.ffrf.org/fttoday/2007/janfeb/prayerstudy.php

 

It doesn't really matter how much value a person puts on prayer. The real issue is whether prayer actually does anything or not, and the fact of the matter is that it doesn't.

 

I happen to be sick right now at this very moment. I've been battling a nasty stomach virus for the last several days. I doubt that anybody is praying for me since my family isn't religious, but it wouldn't matter if they were since it would only give them a nice feeling and would do absolutely nothing for me.

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This is my first...be gentle! I just found your site...very releived! The following is from a great site (although I have a suspicion that many have read this before):

Yeah, many of us have seen this before, but it's still glorious! Glory!

 

Welcome to the forums, Badgod! :)

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Scientific studies have shown that people who know that they are being prayed for actually fare significantly worse than those who don't know they are being prayed for. See this link:

 

http://www.ffrf.org/fttoday/2007/janfeb/prayerstudy.php

 

It doesn't really matter how much value a person puts on prayer. The real issue is whether prayer actually does anything or not, and the fact of the matter is that it doesn't.

 

I happen to be sick right now at this very moment. I've been battling a nasty stomach virus for the last several days. I doubt that anybody is praying for me since my family isn't religious, but it wouldn't matter if they were since it would only give them a nice feeling and would do absolutely nothing for me.

 

Interesting, so they think that it made the patients worry. How many of those patients were actual believers though? I don't know if 59% is really significantly worse then 52%, it seems relatively close to me.

 

Sugar coating the results so as not to offend anyone? That always helps to spread awareness :Doh:

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1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.

That one is true. Almost too true to laugh at really.

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7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!

 

Oh no, not the trees!!! My town is full of tree huggers, no wonder I don't run into fundies, they would never be down for anything like that.

 

harming the trees *shakes head* They can't even move to get away!

 

 

I actually believe that there is a high value to prayer, it does positive things.

 

 

Jesuschrist! Your a fundy male who meets a beautiful woman with that stupid "godsavedme smile" on your face. As you shake her hand with that stupid lokk all you can think is I want to fuck her brains out! FUCKINALLELUIA!

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Jesuschrist! Your a fundy male who meets a beautiful woman with that stupid "godsavedme smile" on your face. As you shake her hand with that stupid lokk all you can think is I want to fuck her brains out! FUCKINALLELUIA!

 

:twitch:

 

Everytime I read one of your posts I shudder that you are somewhere out there teaching someone's child. Hopefully after they leave your class they can detox by going to Ro-bear's.

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Jesuschrist! Your a fundy male who meets a beautiful woman with that stupid "godsavedme smile" on your face. As you shake her hand with that stupid lokk all you can think is I want to fuck her brains out! FUCKINALLELUIA!

 

:twitch:

 

Everytime I read one of your posts I shudder that you are somewhere out there teaching someone's child. Hopefully after they leave your class they can detox by going to Ro-bear's.

 

 

Please explain your irritation. Yes, I speak freely on these boards and I resent the implication that my disdain for religion affects my teaching skills in any way. I have seen many past students become doctors, lawyers, teachers and other varied professions. Many are married and raising sucessful families.

I have been awarded "teacher of the year" awards twice in my tenure in a district that employs more than 600 teachers.

Past students always greet me with thanks and appreciation for my impressions on them.

Indeed, I have spent my entire adult life educating and molding children in a positive manner and I resent your implication that I am ineffective or abusive.

Perhaps you are a dysfunctional parent that sends me their children to correct and educate as a stability in their upheaved lives?

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Well, I have the bad habit of calling things as I see them. Some of your posts, including the one above, come off immature and way over the top. You may be a good teacher, I don't know, but I certainly hope you communicate with your students on a higher level. At the very least, I would hope you could grasp the basics of spelling and grammar.

 

As for me, I probably am disfunctional, but I assure you I haven't sent out any of my spawn for you or anyone else to correct.

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Well, I have the bad habit of calling things as I see them. Some of your posts, including the one above, come off immature and way over the top. You may be a good teacher, I don't know, but I certainly hope you communicate with your students on a higher level. At the very least, I would hope you could grasp the basics of spelling and grammar.

 

As for me, I probably am disfunctional, but I assure you I haven't sent out any of my spawn for you or anyone else to correct.

 

 

I admit typing and spelling at times are not my fortay. My fourth graders seem to do quite well with me. Spelling is the least indicative skill associated with general intelligence. Actually, I am a reading specialist with a K-6 certification. After 27 years of teaching, I am getting tired.

I would sacrafice my own life before I would ever knowingly harm any child. Yep, over the top again, and perhaps I am "immature" in your eyes. Nevertheless, I am who I am. Be well.

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Scientific studies have shown that people who know that they are being prayed for actually fare significantly worse than those who don't know they are being prayed for. See this link:

 

http://www.ffrf.org/fttoday/2007/janfeb/prayerstudy.php

 

It doesn't really matter how much value a person puts on prayer. The real issue is whether prayer actually does anything or not, and the fact of the matter is that it doesn't.

 

I happen to be sick right now at this very moment. I've been battling a nasty stomach virus for the last several days. I doubt that anybody is praying for me since my family isn't religious, but it wouldn't matter if they were since it would only give them a nice feeling and would do absolutely nothing for me.

 

Interesting, so they think that it made the patients worry. How many of those patients were actual believers though? I don't know if 59% is really significantly worse then 52%, it seems relatively close to me.

 

Sugar coating the results so as not to offend anyone? That always helps to spread awareness :Doh:

 

 

I have prayed sincerely for most of my life and have really felt no effect. I have prayed for diseases to be cured in loved ones, to no avail. I have prayed for greater faith and help from god to strengthen my faith, again to no avail. Now for 2 years, I have not uttered a single, sincere prayer. My result is the same as when I prayed.

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Interesting, so they think that it made the patients worry. How many of those patients were actual believers though? I don't know if 59% is really significantly worse then 52%, it seems relatively close to me.

 

Sugar coating the results so as not to offend anyone? That always helps to spread awareness :Doh:

 

:twitch: Are you kidding me? Talk about sugar coating.. I see, the sick who prayed just didn't believe enough I suppose, they weren't true ™ believers. Are you sure you're not an apologist? So what's your reason that people who had no belief or reason to believe anyone was praying for them did better, No true ™ belife at all.

 

 

I'd also like for you to clarify a True/actual believer ™. Thanks

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Are you sure you're not an apologist?

Japedo I think the jury is still out on whether or not Kirangel is really a Christian. She says that she's not. Simultaneously however she says that that she respects Jesus and his message.

 

I think some of us have concluded that she is a Christian. Personally I'm still trying to get a handle on the whole thing. I think time will tell.

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Interesting, so they think that it made the patients worry. How many of those patients were actual believers though? I don't know if 59% is really significantly worse then 52%, it seems relatively close to me.

 

Sugar coating the results so as not to offend anyone? That always helps to spread awareness :Doh:

 

:twitch: Are you kidding me? Talk about sugar coating.. I see, the sick who prayed just didn't believe enough I suppose, they weren't true believers. Are you sure you're not an apologist? So what's your reason that people who had no belief or reason to believe anyone was praying for them did better, No true belife at all.

 

 

I'd also like for you to clarify a True/actual believer . Thanks

 

"Sugar coating the results so as not to offend anyone? That always helps to spread awareness"

 

I'm going to work on the sarcasm thing, I keep doing it with out making it clear. The article that I was responding to said that tv anchors tried to sugar coat the findings so they won't offend believer, so the above statement was a response to that.

 

I wasn't suggesting prayer worked because there is a God and it would work only for believers. I thought it would help as a mind over matter thing and that true believers would honestly believe in and take comfort in the idea that someone was praying for them.

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"Sugar coating the results so as not to offend anyone? That always helps to spread awareness"

 

I'm going to work on the sarcasm thing, I keep doing it with out making it clear. The article that I was responding to said that tv anchors tried to sugar coat the findings so they won't offend believer, so the above statement was a response to that.

 

I wasn't suggesting prayer worked because there is a God and it would work only for believers. I thought it would help as a mind over matter thing and that true believers would honestly believe in and take comfort in the idea that someone was praying for them.

 

:unsure: Okay...

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