Best Friend Christian Fundamentalist

[Guest Isabel]

I am writing not because I myself am an ex-Christian (I'm an ex fundamentalist Hindu, long story); I am writing to plead for some advice. My best friend of 27 years became a Christian fundamentalist 2 years ago. If you would have told me five, ten, fifteen years ago that she would be where she is today, I would never have believed you. We grew up together -backpacking in the wilderness, studying karate, riding motorcycles… She was always a Christian but she was gentle about her views and seemed to respect my own spiritual journey through eastern religions. She was never really a part of any particular church.

My friend ended up marrying an abusive jerk while she was in the air force and he convinced her to move to the Mississippi Delta when they were discharged. After two years of hell and nearly getting strangled by her now ex, I helped convince her to leave Mississippi and move to Charleston, S.C. where she knew not a soul, had no job and only a $1000 in the bank. I drove 7 hours to see her as often as I could during her first few months in Charleston, drove with her back to Mississippi to get her dogs away from her ex, and I helped convince her to divorce the jerk who abused her even though she worried about the spiritual repercussions of doing so.

Soon after arriving in Charleston she joined a fundamentalist mega church that offered to structure her whole social life Since she had just been through hell and didn’t have any friends yet this probably seemed appealing to her on many different levels.

Since that time however, she’s become someone I hardly recognize. She stopped calling me to chat, she only offers to spend time with me if I join her in church organized activities, she acts as if it pains her to be around my ‘heathen’ self. Incredibly, she has told me that she now believes men should be the head of the household and that women should defer to men when it comes to important decisions etc… This coming from a friend who has suffered more than most people I know because of discrimination and abuse. I’m also dumbfounded that this nice, smart, level-headed person could turn into a cold, saccharine, judgmental zealot who believes she’s not the equal of anyone around her.

So I am turning to you all to ask for help. I want to be her friend but I don’t know how. I’ve had my fill of Christian rock concerts and church services – I can’t meet her on that ground any longer. This website gives me hope that one day I may get my smart, strong, kind friend back. In the mean time, how do I reach out to her? How do I let her know that I’m there for her if she decides to turn away from the fundamentalists? How do I be her friend without exposing myself to witnessing/harassment? How do I reach someone who is so brainwashed that I only see glimpses of her former self here and there?

 

Your help is deeply appreciated - Isabel

[מה טבו]

It sounds like your friend has been deeply traumatized. An abusive relationship can destroy a person, and a divorce and subsequent move is also quite harrowing. She is probably feeling rattled to the core.

 

This may be temporary. When she has been on her own a while, and gains the opportunity to build up some confidence, she may shake off the mega-church a bit. Right now, though, it sounds as if she's emotionally devastated, and that this is her primary coping mechanism.

 

How to maintain the friendship? I can't say - each friendship is different. You guys may wind up staying in touch via phone or e-mail for a while. You may end up having a long talk - or an out and out fight about all this one day. As for the times you do interact - does she still have any of her old interests? Does she have any new interests, like cooking that you two could discuss? If the church starts to wear a bit thin for her after a while, she may find that an occasional e-mail about favorite recipes is a welcome respite.

 

Odds are that there are traces of your old friend in there somewhere. But how much of that old friend you ever get to see again hinges on her personal psychological recovery - something you can't really influence.

 

She may never leave the church - but she might tone it down a bit after a while. Then again, she might not. You need to balance this relationship with your own sanity - if you don't want to go to the Christian rock concert, don't go. This doesn't mean that you never get to speak again - but you may have to accept that your relationship has changed.

[Unknowing1]

Part of the problem as I see it is the church that she has become a member of. Churches that preach man head of household, woman defer to man also preach that you only associate with members of your particular church/denomination. You are seen as a non-Christian and therefore she has probably been told not to associate with you except on a superficial level. I'm sure too that with all of the issues that she has gone through, the type of counseling that she has received has been from the pastors at her church who probably have never had any type of training, so everything has been biblically based. So nice how these folks can practice psycology without having attended graduate school and obtained a Ph.D or even set foot into a psychology class. Also because she has relied on the church to create her social life she's stuck. Not knowing or associating with anyone outside of the church makes it very, very hard to leave. If she doesn't bow to the church' will ie: by associating only with folks of her "type" she can and will be kicked out of the church. All of her friends at the church will be told not to associate with her. She'd lose her life all over again.

 

I don't see much you can do except continue to call or email and let her know you are thinking of her, she may eventually come around.

[Grandpa Harley]

Side bar - Ma Tovu

 

Dammit, you're making me like you... stop it.

[מה טבו]

Side bar - Ma Tovu

 

Dammit, you're making me like you... stop it.

 

Heheh - thanks.

[godlessgrrl]

Aw, man, I almost went down the same path as your friend, when I got divorced... circumstances were different enough, though, that I didn't. Though I did learn some eye-opening things about fundies and fundie churches. One of which is that they prey on emotionally vulnerable people. Coming out of a situation where her life is totally out of control, it sounds like she desperately wanted someone to step in and tell her what to do in order to give some structure to her life - and the church filled the role nicely. Sadly, she's really just exchanged one abusive situation for another.

 

I don't know what to say about how to stay friends with her. Probably all you can do is continue to offer her a reality check when you're together - and maybe tell her exactly what you've posted here and told us, if you haven't already. Tell her that you can't meet her on her turf anymore, and ask if she's willing to, say, come over and bake cookies or something, just something mundane and normal, with no religious anything involved. If she flips a bitch, well - she flips a bitch, and all you can do is tell her you've seen how strong and capable she can be, and you'll be there for her if she ever needs you. (If she has ideas that nonbelievers are amoral people, you might gently remind her of all the things you were willing to do to help her in her hour of need, out of your love for her as a friend.)

 

I don't know tho. Some folks like this will figure it out, and some won't. I'd say just be honest and open with her, and let her know you care, and what more can you do?

[Guest Isabel]

Thank you, each of you, for your input. Your responses are an important reality check. In reading them I realized that I'd been thinking these past two years that there had to be a way to reach my old friend inside this new dogma spouting zombie. I kept thinking if I was just able to say the right thing, somehow point out to her the insanity of casting aside her relationships with myself and her parents that she would turn back into the person she was before she hooked up with this church. I posted my message thinking the people on this site might be able to show me the weak spot in her fundamentalist armor and help me reach her. You, who've experience similar things yourselves and watched others on this journey have given me the clear message that there is no magic bullet. Further, that leaving this church isn't somethin she could just do, but would be a deeply traumatic event. It seems all I can really do is simply sit on the sidelines and reach out in ways that don't threaten her belief system. I need to make my peace with this and stop wracking my brain with schemes for reaching out to her old self.

 

My respect and congratulations to all of you who have moved beyond this place where she is now.

[מה טבו]

I wouldn't say to give up hope entirely. For a lot of people, fundamentalism does eventually wear thin, and they begin to hang out in the real world with the rest of us a bit more. It could happen. That being said, it's not guaranteed.

 

You are right - there is no magic bullet. We all only wish there was. If your friend comes out of this, it will be through her own mental processes. Nothing can change that.

[Lerato]

I have taken training classes in domestic violence issues for an NGO I formerly worked for and one of the biggest reasons we would see for women not leaving abusive relationships was their fear of the unknown - i.e. what is going to happen to me after I leave this relationship and have to start my life all over. Imagine the appeal then of someone coming to a women who has recently left an abusive relationship and offering them something to structure their lives around. Unfortunately your friend has found this through fundamentalist Christianity rather than another outlet. At this point you won't be able to convince her to leave the church, but you may be able to encourage her to take up some other activities outside the church sphere of influence. Finding a secular domestic violence support group for your friend and passing along the info. to her could really help her with her healing process. Don't disparage or degrade her religious choices as that will only make her disconnect completely from you. Continue to communicate with her about mutual shared interests and offer to be there for her if she ever needs someone to talk to. Things may look bleak at the moment but there is always hope. Your friend found the courage to leave one abusive relationship (with her ex), and with time and outside support she may find the strength to leave another one (with her church).