How To Help My Girlfriend Get Back To Reality

[Guest Freethinker85]

Hi. My girlfriend has been christian all her life (21) and I was not. We have been 2gether for about 2 years now. The subject of our different beleifs often comes back. I would like to have some advice on how to lead her to free thinking. Her family is really into christianity and I think that it is one of the biggest problem. She feels guilt about not doing what god's want but I beleive it is more relative to the acceptance from her family. Advice anyone????????

[Luke Wolf]

I wouldn't force her, but rather, start small, and slowly draw her away from Christianity.

Maybe you could go to church with her a few times, take notes, and ask questions that debunk the church. But be polite about how you ask.

Offer to show her the world outside of Christianity, and how the world isn't the evil world that is out to hurt and kill Christians like they are taught.

Show her the lies, deceit, misinformation, and hypocrisy.

[Guest Freethinker85]

I wouldn't force her, but rather, start small, and slowly draw her away from Christianity.

Maybe you could go to church with her a few times, take notes, and ask questions that debunk the church. But be polite about how you ask.

Offer to show her the world outside of Christianity, and how the world isn't the evil world that is out to hurt and kill Christians like they are taught.

Show her the lies, deceit, misinformation, and hypocrisy.

I tried to talk to her about evolution since I'm studying in biology. Her and family just don't get it. They always involve God, saying he did everything and is responsible for everything that appends to us, but in the other hand he's not responsible for all the wars and shit going on in the world. It is only beacause people do not follow God. I'm mean, they're always think they're right. They don't go to church now because they do reunions in their basement with other christians, they just exange about their beleives. Her family as a lot of importance for her and that scares me beacause they are compltetly out of reality. How can they juge everyone since they just hang out with christians. I really am out of ideas and arguments, they always say something non-sense for me but seams to be logical to them. HEEEELLLLLPPPPP I love her too much to let her stay in this foolish state of mind. I'm starting to think that this is like a madness, they are completely mind-closed. I repeat HEEEELLLLPPPP

[Ouroboros]

I wish there was a simple answer to your dilemma, but there isn't. If she's very liberal and open minded Christian, then maybe you have to stick with that for now. If you push her to hard, she might react the opposite way (humans have that tendency, see Reactance), so if you just accept her for who she is, and just keep the discussions open and accepting, then she will respect that and you have a better chance of making her think about these things and maybe eventually be strong enough to break with her family's traditions and values. But it's important that she does it of her own volition.

[Guest Jeremiah]

Hi. My girlfriend has been christian all her life (21) and I was not. We have been 2gether for about 2 years now. The subject of our different beleifs often comes back. I would like to have some advice on how to lead her to free thinking. Her family is really into christianity and I think that it is one of the biggest problem. She feels guilt about not doing what god's want but I beleive it is more relative to the acceptance from her family. Advice anyone????????

Hi. You are in a very difficult situation and I really empathize -- because I was in a relationship with a Christian for almost 5 years, we loved each other, and she told me that she was going to marry me over and over again, and then she broke it off saying that God said that she couldn't have me and that He (God) had a different plan for her life. This was over 2 months ago and I'm still devastated and dumbfounded and still cry every day. My fatal flaw was that I was divorced and she told me that "God hates divorce" so she couldn't marry me. That issue came up early in our relationship and I thought we had resolved it long ago, but I guess it kept knawing at her until she had to choose between God and me.

 

I did alot of research on divorce and even went to the original Hebrew which stated that "God hates "putting away" [without a divorce decree]" and I tried to reason with her that there were reasons for people to get divorced, and that God did allow for divorce in some instances, but in the end, it didn't matter. In her mind (and the mind of her family) the only way that she could marry someone who was once married was if that person's wife died. I sent her article after article showing how some of the best Bible scholars found reasons for people to get divorced and that divorce and remarriage were acceptable to God, but the more articles I sent her, the more resolved she became.

 

I really believed that it wasn't an issue until she told me goodbye: her mother loved me, I helped her whole family with a number of issues, and spent well over $100,000 helping her and her family get through various crises, but the bottom line after 5 years was that I wasn't acceptable to her or her family because I was divorced and my ex-wife was still alive.

 

In contrast, it was ok for her sister to date a convicted felon who had tattoes and ear rings, because he had found Jesus and had never been divorced. Needless to say, this was very upsetting to me. It's like God can forgive everything, unless you get divorced. It doesn't make any sense to me. I was born in sin, I sinned, and I remain in sin -- unforgiven and ineligible to marry again.

 

I sent over 20 emails and cards begging her to take me back and work things out with me, but she said that she could never marry me. I'm beginning to accept this intellectually, though it still hurts and I still cry every day.

 

So, my advise to you is:

1. See if the two of you can agree to disagree about religion. If you can, then maybe you can just respect each other's opinion, though the argument that Christians should only be married to other Christians (fellow believers) may eventually come up.

2. You may need to accept the fact that you'll never be able to change her; it's very difficult to change a person's belief system. I was a Christian and that wasn't enough. I was willing to go to seminary and become a pastor, but even that wasn't enough. And so I began to feel like a worthless, unlovable person because I didn't meet the standard of the family, which is what drove me to atheist websites, agnostic websites, divorce websites, all in an attempt to find some information which I could use to convince this woman to take me back.

3. If she has to change for you, or if you have to change for her, then maybe it's not meant to be? Even if you do stay together for a while, if this issue isn't resolved, it may come up again and again. I'm an optimist and hope that people will see the light and become enlightened, but I've also tried and failed many many times to change people, so have concluded that the only person that I can change is myself. The Abraham-Hicks book "The Astonishing Power of Emotions" deals with girlfriends leaving boyfriends and what to do; you may want to check it out. In general, they tell you to be true to yourself and then you'll attract someone with the same vibrational frequencies. THIS IS SO HARD because deep down I still hope that my girlfriend who was my best friend and "soul mate" will come to realize that we are meant to be together, but she won't reply to my emails and she won't answer my phone calls, si I just end up hurting myself even more.

4. Finally, I'm told that if you be yourself, and become the best you you can be (using your own standards -- not someone elses), and become an attractive person, then you'll be able to attract someone more compatible to yourself. Like I said, this is hard and right now I don't want anyone but this girl, and I've even thought that I'd rather die than be without her, but the idea that maybe I could be in an even better relationship where I didn't have to work so hard ... where everything seemd more natural and to flow easier ... appeals to me.

5. Keep reading how others cope with some of the contradictions and inconsistencies that you'll encounter when dealing with Christians -- who don't seem very Christian-like to me sometimes.

[Guest Jeremiah]

I wouldn't force her, but rather, start small, and slowly draw her away from Christianity.

Maybe you could go to church with her a few times, take notes, and ask questions that debunk the church. But be polite about how you ask.

Offer to show her the world outside of Christianity, and how the world isn't the evil world that is out to hurt and kill Christians like they are taught.

Show her the lies, deceit, misinformation, and hypocrisy.

I tried to talk to her about evolution since I'm studying in biology. Her and family just don't get it. They always involve God, saying he did everything and is responsible for everything that appends to us, but in the other hand he's not responsible for all the wars and shit going on in the world. It is only beacause people do not follow God. I'm mean, they're always think they're right. They don't go to church now because they do reunions in their basement with other christians, they just exange about their beleives. Her family as a lot of importance for her and that scares me beacause they are compltetly out of reality. How can they juge everyone since they just hang out with christians. I really am out of ideas and arguments, they always say something non-sense for me but seams to be logical to them. HEEEELLLLLPPPPP I love her too much to let her stay in this foolish state of mind. I'm starting to think that this is like a madness, they are completely mind-closed. I repeat HEEEELLLLPPPP

BE CAREFUL! Your girlfriend has a support system that includes her family and church. You need a support system so you won't go crazy! My girlfriend's family said that everything that happened was God's will -- even bad things -- we just couldn't understand His divine purpose behind it. They would tell me that God knew their name and their birth date and death date thousands of years before they were born. They believe that every word of the Bible is true and written by God -- even though there are over 4000 translations which all disagree somewhat. There are people who think for themselves and people who do not and will not think for themselves. It's very hard to change someone's belief system, especially if it's learned from and supported by the family. (Look at all the religious conflicts in the world and "ethnic cleansings.") If your girlfriend is open-minded, there are lots of resources on the web: Google: Bible Inerrancy, Fundamentalism, Atheism, Evil Bible, Christian Atrocities, Bible Canon, Crusades, Inquisition, Divorce, Mythology (TruthBeKnown), Skeptially.org, and others. Make yourself more knowledgeable and strong so you'll be able to survive. Know that others have faced your dilemma and survived. I wish I could say "Do this ... and it will be ok" but I haven't discovered the answer myself. If it becomes too painful, save yourself first; put your own oxygen mask on first; go into survival mode. Steven Covey would say"Align and redirect." That is, don't tackle the issue head-on; try to understand things from the other person's point of view and then try to gradually introduce them to another point of view. Sometimes I take comfort in the saying by Nietzsche: "If it doesn't kill me, it will make me stronger." Good luck and keep us posted on what you learn.

[HoustonHorn]

One thing to keep in mind though is that it's very likely she's having the same type of discussion with her Christian friends about you. Odds are very good that she's asking people how to convert you to Christianity. I found out after I was baptised and all that junk that my girlfriend (now wife) had been talking with people all over the church about how to "save" me.

[Guest Structural Engineer]

My fatal flaw was that I was divorced and she told me that "God hates divorce" so she couldn't marry me. That issue came up early in our relationship and I thought we had resolved it long ago, but I guess it kept knawing at her until she had to choose between God and me.

 

This is just for fun.

Here's one wise ass argument you can use if you want to make her drown in her own shit. It will only work if you had sex with her (which ill assume you did. having a girlfriend for 2 or more years without getting laid is unheard of even for fundamentalist Christians these days. Trust me I know!!!! ).

 

You can tell her god hates fornication too. She wiil probably answer with the predictable god loves me and he forgives me of sin and im a christian but im not perfect blah blah blah. Then you can answer god loves me as well and he forgave my divorce and im not perfect either. Whats the difference between you and me?. AINT HE A GREAT GUY!!! She'll be like I guess so. lets get married