Guest Gibreel Posted August 11, 2007 Share Posted August 11, 2007 Hi all, I’ve been lurking on this forum for a while, just got up the courage to post this. Thanks for the opportunity. Just writing it out has helped me join some dots! As a child, my parents were occasional church goers. We went to Baptist/ Pentecostal churches for about five years, but then drifted away. We still had a pretty sheltered upbringing however. When I was about 16, I became a very rebellious teenager. I left school and worked in the sex industry doing various things (but not prostitution) for about a year. I also smoked a lot of pot and tried other drugs, and started having panic attacks. When I moved back home at 18, my panic attacks had progressed to the point where I was having difficulty even going 5 – 10 ks from home. I went to a psychiatrist for a bit, who gave me breathing exercises to help with the panic attacks. I was still pretty anxious and riddled with guilt about my behaviour of the last few years. The agoraphobia abated however, and I was able to travel around my city comfortably again within a year or two. I read Mere Christianity in this time, and was ‘wonderfully converted’. I ended up joining the Catholic church. I was pretty shy and I enjoyed the security of the Catholic church, and had lots of ‘safe’ older friends. I gradually become more confident and was started to feel more at peace with myself, when a catastrophic event occurred for our family. My older sister, who had struggled with mental illness for years, committed suicide. On the day she died, we had a huge fight on the phone when she accused me, as a child, of failing to protect her from my dad (who she claimed had sexually abused her). I was so angry with her, but went off to chapel and lit a candle for her. A few hours later the police turned up and told us that she had died. My anxiety returned in a full blown state. In retrospect, I was grieving and guilty and had a huge shock – and it’s no surprise that I became extremely anxious. I tried to deal with it through religion though I had recurrent thoughts about suicide and even hurting other people. I prayed and prayed to have these thoughts taken away, but of course that didn’t help. Talking to a secular psychologist did though - unfortunately I still didn’t make the connection! I became more and more fundamentalist, read lots of stuff on the internet about modesty etc and tried to practice this. I also decided that God was protestant, not Catholic, and I suspected that I’d made him angry by lighting a candle to Mary before my sister died. So it was off to a fairly fundamentalist evangelical church where I remained for a few years. I always read widely though, and some of the stuff the church was preaching seemed increasingly unlikely. Time was healing some of the wounds of my sister’s death, and I was much more able to manage my anxiety. I started going to a progressive Anglican church, and felt much more comfortable. But the best day of all – was when I realised that I didn’t actually have to believe in anything at all. I could reject the whole lot. I could be happy, work, have friends, travel, without any fear of divine retribution or judgement. I can’t believe what a wonderful relief it was, and how exciting to realise that I was in charge of my own destiny! I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face! Since leaving Christianity, I’ve had a relationship for the first time in ten years, started a desensitization program to better manage my anxiety so I can manage air travel, read lots of heretical books , started a post-grad thing I’ve wanted to do for years, developed deeper relationships with my friends, and am much more accepting of the skeletons in my cupboard At the moment, I still feel quite angry about all the years I spent in the church. It was a way of avoiding my problems. I so much wish that I’d had a bit of decent therapy much earlier. I feel that I wasted my twenties doing very uncool things , and missing out on lots of opportunities because of my limiting beliefs. Reading Christian chick-lit, uggghh! I feel pretty frustrated now when I see Christians with mental health problems praying fruitlessly, instead of being able to do something productive about their lives, and heal, and be happy. I’ve got a lot out of reading the other testimonials on this site, and it’s very encouraging to see other people finding peace and happiness outside of religion. If you’ve got this far, thanks for reading! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perianwalsh Posted August 11, 2007 Share Posted August 11, 2007 Gibreel I AM very sorry that i did not manage to post yesterday. I’ve been lurking on this forum for a while, just got up the courage to post this. Thanks for the opportunity. Just writing it out has helped me join some dots! I shoudlnt say welcom abroad,but you are finally out of closet! I went to a psychiatrist for a bit, who gave me breathing exercises to help with the panic attacks. I was still pretty anxious and riddled with guilt about my behaviour of the last few years. The agoraphobia abated however, and I was able to travel around my city comfortably again within a year or two. panic atttacks worst part is diffuclt to breathe heretical books what books do you read? y. My older sister, who had struggled with mental illness for years, committed suicide. On the day she died, we had a huge fight on the phone when she accused me, as a child, of failing to protect her from my dad (who she claimed had sexually abused her). i have a friend who has similar experience as you.how does you get out? Mere Christianity i have been influenced by narnia.but i found his theology boring(i just skimmed through few pages) of the book miracles. if you type ex christian on search engine-there's another site which is also sort them according to size.The big files ones are usually good written,or the reccommended ones It was a way of avoiding my problems. yes it is you are free to discuss with me at anytime Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Gibreel Posted August 13, 2007 Share Posted August 13, 2007 Thanks for your support perianwalsh. Current bit of heretical literature is Satanic Verses (hence the user name!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Japedo Posted August 13, 2007 Share Posted August 13, 2007 Hello Gibreel and welcome to Ex-C. I'm so very sorry for the extreme heartaches, trauma, and despair you went thru. I'm also deeply sorry to read about your sister. Your story is extremely therapeutic for someone in the mists of going thru the unbearable hell of Panic disorder and deconversion. You're an extremely strong individual and have over come mountains of trails. I look forward to seeing more wisdom from you!! Thanks for sharing such a hard and heartbreaking anti-T! I'm glad your free from the prison of the blood cult. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Gibreel Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Thanks so much Japedo for your very kind welcome! It's been quite a journey over the last few years, but I'm ready for happier adventures now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ouroboros Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Welcome Gibreel, Sorry about losing your sister and all the guilt you had to go through. This website is a great place to work your way out of the dogmatic prison and find yourself again. Good luck, and I'm looking forward to see your posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Gibreel Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 Sorry about losing your sister and all the guilt you had to go through. This website is a great place to work your way out of the dogmatic prison and find yourself again. Good luck, and I'm looking forward to see your posts. Hi HanSolo, Thanks for your welcome and condolesences. The website has been a great help already. I found it via Yahoo! answers Spirituality section - I was still a Christian when I started reading that! All these tools help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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