Hiiii. . . I'm New. . .

[sharkindeepwater]

Hi. I'm from a Christian school, a very small one; I spent time in it from kindergarten to ninth grade. I nearly didn't get out the living way because I was also emotionally abused by classmates and occasionally teachers. I'm going to talk about that; if this sort of thing triggers, please don't read.

 

Repeat! Trigger warning for emotional/spiritual abuse.

 

It's taken me a lot of time to sort through everything, longer to realize I was spiritually abused. I depended on my faith; I loved God, I was a good by-the-book Christian. I still have Bible verses floating around in my head. I left the church only because I went to college and learned that most of what my school had taught me was lies that helped support their version of reality; I also realized I was gay, and according to my religion I couldn't possibly be naturally gay because God would not ever make someone in his own image, only gayer.

 

Recently I made a friend, and she's someone I almost look up to in a mentorish way--except she's religious, she's kind, she's quite fond of me, and she triggered me accidentally and I spent a few hours crying. This is obviously not something I want to put up with, so I'm trying to figure out what my faith did to me.

 

I think the worst of it, frankly, is that it was all done in love. These were good people, most of them, and they sincerely believed God's Word. They were the hard-line Christians, with a focus on evangelism and then letting God pick up the pieces. They had a very, very nasty emphasis on how theologically good it was to be broken; pride and vanity were major sins. The main stance was authoritarian, and discipline was deemed far more valuable than self-esteem.

 

Repentance was supposed to be complete. We were taught with emphasis on how it wasn't enough to be sorry; we were given examples of the Israelites repenting with wailing, sackcloth, and ashes, told that repentance had to be complete, from the heart. Each and every sin was supposed to wound us that deeply while we were paying for it.

 

Repentance was something needed on hand at all times, because my school had a rather odd take on what it means when something bad happened to you. It could be God testing your faith like Job, it could be God giving you a trial to help you grow as a Christian. Of course, we also liked the verse "for whom the Lord loveth, he chasteneth," so maybe you did something wrong and here's a chastening, repent immediately. Or it could be God "getting your attention," (and didn't I hear that one a lot?) trying to inform you there's a long-term spiritual problem you've been blind to. And then, of course, there's the idea of gold refined in the fire, where troubles are for your own good.

 

So basically, if something bad happened, I would be simultaneously examining my life, trying to do so humbly and with a spirit of repentance, trying to hear the voice of God (there was constant subtle pressure for that one if I wanted the problem to stop,) trying to overcome the problem in a faithful Christian manner so the improvement would happen and I wouldn't have to do it again later, and trying not to be angry with God because all of that on top of whatever the problem was? Was a bit much. We were also encouraged to wear and be aware of the whole armor of God, and pray without ceasing--all the while being properly reverential, of course. "Thought life" was a hugely important concept; we were to control and critique what we were thinking at all times.

 

There were also some changes to reality; we were supposed to believe demons were present, if intangible; believe in literal Creationism and the likelihood there were dinosaurs still on the earth.

 

When the emotional abuse really came into play, I would turn to faith, enmeshing myself more and more deeply into the school's teachings.

 

We were also paranoid of the world. I recall yoga being mentioned as a possible gateway to. . . I think demon possession was implied in one of our textbooks. We freaked out about music; one of our teachers mentioned the emotional high from rock music was probably a sign we should stop listening to it. Nothing new for you guys to see here, I'm sure.

 

And now. . . love.

 

I was emotionally abused by my classmates. We were used to me having the role of outcast, at first because I was a slightly different child who read a lot and loved insects; it never, ever changed. Eventually I fought back verbally, which I still regret; I wish I hadn't. I was never sexually abused. I was physically abused--I had my fingers stepped on, I had my stuff thrown around, I was hit with thrown things, tripped, shoved. They rarely used my name, although I did get insults and distorted versions of my last name screamed at me. People came in and out of our school a few at a time, so there was never a major change or people in from outside saying ". . . this is bizarre." By the time I was in eighth grade, people I'd never met before knew exactly what to shout at me.

 

All this time, though, I was told to feel love to my brothers and sisters in Christ, told that they loved me. I'm not sure what I was feeling; I tried to force and maintain love and felt that I had failed when I did not. I believed they loved me sometimes; sometimes often. One of our strongest points was "we love Him because He first loved us." The idea was that we were all wretched humans undeserving of love, that since God loved us we owed Him love in return.

 

The teachers never really stepped into the abuse besides to tell me to change, although I was sure they loved me. I already was grounded in the idea that humans were worth nothing without God; I already had been experiencing dehumanizing abuse for most of my life at the time; I was already in a religion where psychologically prostrating yourself was a desirable goal. So the next step was pretty predictable.

 

I ended up thinking I was less than human, unworthy of love to the point where it actually hurt when people said they loved me; I believed I never should have been born, and since God wasn't going to kill me and nobody else was, I should do it. Cue suicide attempt, Christian counseling, coming out, being advised to practice a Christian path of sheer denial, and throwing that out the window. The Christian counseling did help me put myself back together, to an extent, and I'm grateful for it; however, atheism has set me free.

 

I've gotten counseling and have come to peace with most of the emotional abuse--some memories come up and I have to work on them separately--but I still have the spiritual abuse to try to think through and reconcile. Faith was enormously important to me; I read the Bible cover to cover, I tried to live every word by the Book. It shaped who I was--look at that, I started capitalizing "him" again with reflexive reverence--even though it also pretty much broke me at one point. The "love" aspect was the worst; I was encouraged to believe my abusers loved me, and the people I trusted to protect me did not and did contribute to my breakdown. I still have trouble saying I love people I've met since; I still have trouble being sure whether or not I love someone or not as I get close to them.

 

I'm looking for ways to heal, right now, and I'm trying to pull out other ways that my religious indoctrination messed me up so that I don't get triggered again. My suicide attempt was ten years ago; my escape more like six. I haven't really looked at it as religious abuse until maybe five years ago.

[Piprus]

Welcome to the site, shark.

Sounds like you're well on the road to personal growth and dealing with the emotional baggage of your youth. Best wishes to you.

 

I believe xianity is by its very nature abusive. It certainly lends itself to acts of abuse, both physical and emotional.

[Garnet]

*offers a cyber huggle* Shark, it looks to me like you were subjected to bullying of the worst sort. Bullying clothed in righteousness. Blech. I'm glad that you got away from that mess and that you are healing.

[ShackledNoMore]

Welcome, Shark.

 

There are those at this forum who have suffered this sort of religious abuse, and others who simply came to the realization of what bs xianity is.

 

In either case, I think it's therapeutic to write and read such testimonies.

 

The very premise that we humans are inherently worthless is abusive, and it's just plain wrong.

 

Welcome to the road to recovery.

[sharkindeepwater]

*offers a cyber huggle* Shark, it looks to me like you were subjected to bullying of the worst sort. Bullying clothed in righteousness. Blech. I'm glad that you got away from that mess and that you are healing.

 

I've been huggled! Yay!

 

The sad thing was, I bought into the introversion; I and my parents thought it would be better for me to stay there, although my parent's thinking was that smaller classes would result in better attention from the teachers, and I thought I'd be separated from God if I went into the world. My parents. . . I didn't know what and how to tell them, I was too used to my role, so they just didn't know to get me out.

 

I'm looking for more common problems of walkaways--common triggers, frequent psychological fallout, that sort of thing. The woman who triggered me is a friend of mine, Catholic, and quite kind; I'd like to keep being friends with her. Right now it's healthier for me to keep my distance while I try to figure out what else might be a problem. If I reacted to her just as "this woman is kind, has great faith, and I look up to her, that means she's going to hurt me," which is frankly not the way I want to live, what other old scripts am I carrying around?

 

I believe xianity is by its very nature abusive. It certainly lends itself to acts of abuse, both physical and emotional.

 

Well, so does parenting, or any situation where anyone has such authority. The problem with this place was the tiny school, the paranoia of the outside world, and the limited entrance/departure. It led to an insular attitude fast, especially among children building how they saw reality. If I'd had any experience with the outside world, I would have recognised "this is abusive." I just didn't know. (Neither did my abusers. They weren't evil children, they didn't grow up to be evil teens. It was just part of our world.)

 

I think it's going to be a cult if it keeps up with the emphasis on flattening yourself to please God, if it keeps up with the emphasis on severe repentance, and if it gets a strong leader for its associated church who believes that line. It's already alienated from modern-day science.

 

I have known some Christians who were nothing but kind, some evangelicals who wanted only to share their good news and give a hand up. I'm not getting within a hundred yards of their churches, but I don't believe the same pathology is everywhere.

[Guest crystal.nycole]

I think it's going to be a cult if it keeps up with the emphasis on flattening yourself to please God, if it keeps up with the emphasis on severe repentance, and if it gets a strong leader for its associated church who believes that line. It's already alienated from modern-day science.

 

It kinda sounds like it already IS a cult... at least by most common definitions.

 

but I don't believe the same pathology is everywhere.

 

Maybe not, but it SURE does look familiar.

 

Sorry, I don't mean to pick apart your thoughts. Thank you for posting your testimony... I definitely feel a bit of where you're coming from (especially on the yoga leading to demonic possession/oppression, and the "if rock music gives you an emotional high, maybe you should be careful with it" stuff. *twitch*) I haven't had the emotional energy to compile my "testimony" yet, but it'd look somewhat similar.

 

My thoughts to you in your healing process.

[Guest Gibreel]

Hi Shark,

I'm new too (tried to find a waving smiley but didn't succeed!)

Congratulations on coming out of such a rotten situation. You sound like an amazingly strong and resilient individual, to be able to get the help you need, and be able to heal. I wish you lots of fun and happiness for the future

Gibreel

[Tabula Rasa]

I'm looking for ways to heal, right now, and I'm trying to pull out other ways that my religious indoctrination messed me up so that I don't get triggered again. My suicide attempt was ten years ago; my escape more like six. I haven't really looked at it as religious abuse until maybe five years ago.

 

Sprouts six more arms and gives Shark a BIG hug. Shark, you're among friends. I'm still in the process of getting the indoctrination out of my head too, so I know how you feel. While I personally still believe in a supreme being, I hope reading the posts here will help me let go of the idea of "God" as a vengeful Firebreathing Giant.

[angel.white]

You have my deepest empathy. While I was never physically abused, the spiritual abuse of xianity in and of itself was certainly enough. I just want to caution you about making xian friends, you sound as though you would still be vulnerable to their message. When you were in the heart of xian hell, you finally broke down and had to seek treatment to get out. But now that you're out, don't assume you can't be sucked back in. After years of religious thought control and brainwashing, you have subconscious influences that will manifest when those triggers arouse. You saw this yourself when you ended up crying. But you have ingrained training to submit to god. As pavlov's dog involuntarily salivates when the bell rings, so you will be involuntarily compelled to submit to the xian god when some xian presses the right buttons. I've had this happen in my own life, so deep was the xian message nailed into my psyche, even after I rejected xianity it still influenced me, even yesterday I specifically noted its influence as I was exceedingly reluctant to participate in certain behaviours.

 

My xian scars will probably last my entire life, yours sound the same. I think its best to maintain a healthy distance, I would strongly advise never going back to a church, not being in a group where you are outnumbered by xians. (unless you get much more comfortable with religion), and just generally trying to avoid religion altogether. If you've been affected as I have (and by all accounts it sounds as though yours is much stronger than mine) then my honest opinion is that you would find the most happiness by removing any trace of religion from your life. Rediscover life anew, separate from religion. Build new experiences and encounter life from a fresh untainted perspective. I lived that way for the 2 years after I deconverted, and finally began to feel normal and free.

 

But, of course, its your life, and you get to live it, so if my worry is misplaced, just tell me to mind my own business

(You can say that to me, I won't be offended. That was one of the things I began to work on after xianity. I'd been conditioned to submit to everyone all the time no matter what, so after becoming an atheist I intentionally would try to put myself in situations of conflict and then just be an ass or a dick, or act selfishly so that I could deprogram my submissive mentality. It hasn't worked great, but has helped a bit, yesterday when I needed to, I was able to cut someone off for a parking spot after looking for 15 minutes, had I not done that I would have been late for class. It used to be that I would have obsessed over that action for 2 or 3 days, but now I am getting much better at forgetting it almost as soon as it happens.)