I Have Nothing Left.

[TheMathGuy]

My YouTube video:

I have nothing left.

 

This is how I feel right now. It's a video I made as a response to another dialogue going on between two YouTube atheists. I'm sorry if it's not what people want to hear. For those who are viewing this from a text-only browser, here's the video as text:

 

Video description:

Everything I ever believed in; everything that gave me hope--is now gone. I have nothing left. I want my ignorance back! I used to want to have the truth. Now I wish I could give it back! I find it not to my liking.

 

Religious people watch carefully and take note: This is what your religion does to people who think. No, not just think but also care. Those who both think and care, once they inevitably decide to question their religion with a willingness to accept whatever answer they might find, may not be prepared for the answer when it isn't what they had expected. I want my f***ing blue pill back! If I could choose between this and the matrix, I'd choose the matrix. If I could somehow have the knowledge I've gained surgically removed from my brain, I would. Go ahead and call me a pansy for saying that, if you will. I AM a pansy. I don't care. At least I'm being honest, which is more than I can say for most of the theists I've seen on YouTube.

 

But go ahead people--comment on my video and tell me how utterly wrong I am. Tell me the lies my ears want to hear. Tell me the meaning of life, if you know it. Because frankly I don't give a d*mn.

 

 

 

Video monologue:

 

So I hear you're having a 'gloom-off'. I know you're gonna call me a copycat. You think you invented this sh**? You didn't invent this sh**. There is no such thing as an original thought or idea. Nothing that hasn't been thought of before. I can out-gloom you and fakesagan. I don't even have to … I don't even have to lift a finger to try. Fakesagan talks about a bedpan of despair, and you talk about just plain sh**ing yourself. I can top that. I pile the sh** of life into a f***ing compost heap of despair. That's right! A thousand-pound steaming pile of sh**. So much sh** that if I was under it, it would crush me alive; squeeze the very air out of my lungs; I'd suffocate to death. That's despair!

 

I don't wanna live and I don't wanna die. I just wanna be somebody else, be something different. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of knowing too much. I regret the day I ever decided to start questioning Christianity. Cuz you know what? Even if it was a lie, at least it was a lie that worked! At least it gave me a reason not to do whatever the h*ll I felt like doing at the time. I do whatever I feel like doing, whenever I feel like doing it. I don't f***ing care. I don't care about my academic life or job. I don't even care about making enough money to provide for myself. Cuz I don't do something if I don't feel like doing it. If it's not interesting, then I just plain don't do it. That's all there is to it.

 

At least ... at least back when I was a Christian I sometimes forced myself to do stuff I didn't wanna do because I had to. Well, that's not always true but at least I felt good and guilty about it. Sometimes that would be motivation enough to do something I didn't wanna do, but now... no. Nope. I only do what I feel like doing, and only when I feel like doing it. I've got no moral foundation at all any more. No reason to be good or to 'suck it up and deal'. Cuz what does it even matter? I'm just gonna die anyway. The universe is just gonna turn into f***ing heat.

 

I don't even have to be depressed--I choose to be. You know why? Cuz it's my drug. Some people use alcohol. Some people use illegal drugs. F***, I don't even know where I would get an illegal drug! I'm such a square. I'd have to Wikipedia illegal drugs; like those programmers on the movie 'Office Space' looking up money laundering in the dictionary--I'd have to Wikipedia illegal drugs. But no, instead I use the drug of depression. At least it numbs the pain.

 

You know that the f***ing saddest part about all this is? I can't confide in any of my close friends or my family. I saw jezuzfreek777's response to you. That's exactly the kind of advice I would get if I confided in them. They'd say "Turn your heart back over to Jesus. Just surrender it back to him." That's what they don't understand. Not that they don't want to understand, it's just that they can't understand--even if they tried to they wouldn't understand. Not when you think that believing in Christianity is what's saving your soul. You can't understand that belief is not a choice, you know? I'd gladly give my heart to Jesus if I thought that there was a Jesus to give my heart to. You know, if there was some kind of a brain operation a person could get that'd cause me to go back to being a Christian--go back to believing that it was true, I'd get the surgery. I'd rather go back to being naïve and happy than this. I would take the lobotomy.

 

It doesn't matter though. It's not even a f***ing choice that I even have. I could no more go back to believing Christianity is true than I could just 'will myself' to believe that 2 + 3 was actually equal to 6; that the earth was really flat--not round. That's what they don't get. That's what they're never gonna understand. You can't will yourself to believe something. I can't just 'decide' to think Christianity is true when I don't. So I've got nobody to confide in … except you internet people. I guess that's better than nobody at all. I just wish I had somebody in real life. Somebody who … somebody who understood. Somebody who 'get's it'. Somebody who wasn't like jezuzfreek777, who thinks he understands--and I don't blame him--but he doesn't.

[ShackledNoMore]

I assume that you've been indoctrinated with xianity from the cradle. Suppose, instead, that your parents had been atheists. Further suppose, that they had been well adjusted, and done a great job as parents.

 

How would you see the world differently today? You'd have adopted a different set of assumptions from the beginning. You'd probably have assumed that when you die, your corpse would rot and that would be it. And you probably would have adopted the attitude, "there's a finite time to be alive, so make the best of it."

 

You talked about depression as a drug, and I know you're fully aware that religion is a drug in the same sense. In our ignorance, religion, xianity offered comfort, stability, promises. You could almost say that it's not a bad deal, provided it doesn't leave you with a serious case of OCD, or screw you up sexually--turn you into a Larry Craig, a self hating bigot, or just a bigot, or that you don't jump off the deep end and kill abortion doctor--or that you don't do these things to yourself in the service of your religion.

 

The thing is, like most drugs that are abused, both religion and depression have some nasty side effects. Depression just plain sucks.

 

The thing with red pills and blue pills is that the red pill doesn't bring greater happiness. I personally think that it's worth it, and that it leads to greater fulfillment, and I also think that it shouldn't, but can, lead to less happiness. I think that a side effect of the red pill can be a stage just such as you are experiencing. Nevertheless, even if I could, I would not go back to my unexamined ignorance. Never.

 

Not everybody agrees, but I'm one that does: I do not want to cease to exist. But our finite existence does not mean that everything is pointless and futile. It's been said before, and it's true: knowing we have a finite existence affords us to make the most of that existence, to live life to its fullest rather than wait for a promised afterlife, to coast, to try to appease what we imagine some god wants. Even if we feel we wasted time in the past, it affords an opportunity to live in the present and to build our lives to make the most of it. xianity does not accustom us to think in this manner.

[Japedo]

This is how I feel right now. It's a video I made as a response to another dialogue going on between two YouTube atheists. I'm sorry if it's not what people want to hear. For those who are viewing this from a text-only browser, here's the video as text:

 

I don't know why you think it's not what people want to hear. You have every right to be angry and mourn for something you once held so close as truth... It's okay to want that comfort zone back, it's part of the process of healing. I didn't watch the Video just read what you have here. Please don't ever discount your feelings as inconvenient for other people. I think many of us have been where you are at one point or another, but somehow we find closure and move on.

 

Ignorance is bliss.. that term didn't pop out of nowhere, it's true. Life matters greatly, we only have one shot at it.. Live it to it's fullest, get the most education, life and happiness out of it. The problem with Christians is they are so focused on the afterlife they forget to live this one. They are so focused on some eternal reward they waste their life living inside of a box chasing a carrot on a stick that doesn't exist. You have always had the power to be strong and push yourself.. Finding out Christ didn't do things but you did on your own isn't something to be disappointed in, one day it will empower you to levels you never thought possible.

 

I wish you much peace of mind in this extremely hard difficult process. We are here if you need a sounding board, Welcome to Ex-C!

[Legion]

I think most everyone goes through a time of existential funk. I think it’s normal. We’re here today and gone tomorrow. And everything seems to be vanity. I’ve experienced such times myself.

 

So what can I tell you that might lift you out of this funk MathGuy? From personal experience there was nothing that anyone could say to me that helped. The truth is, in time my passion for life simply returned. I feel that all I can do is hope that it quickly returns to you.

 

The upside, I think, is that such times anneal you. If and when you come out the other side of it you may be wiser and stronger in addition to once again having your passion for life.

 

So, may your awareness of the vast horizons of time shrink. May you live in the now. May you feel the clothes clinging to your body. May you feel the movement of the wind. May you cherish the sound of another. May music stir you once again to dance. May you be aware of your internal conflict. May your innermost questions press on you. May you revel in the journey. May the passion of life’s dynamic return to you. And quickly.

[R. S. Martin]

Mathguy, I think you describe something I've been struggling with myself. There is a certain nostalgia about childhood religion. At least, there is for me. I've read some stories on here where religion was more terror for children because of the Rapture etc. But that wasn't part of the religion I grew up with. We were sheltered from excesssive hell stories. Thus, religion for us was a way of life. Going to church on Sundays. Visiting or having others over to our house. Or just spending a quiet Sunday at home with our Sunday toys--special toys we were allowed to play with only on Sundays. When we got older, we had board games and story books. Dad often played with us. All told, Sunday was a special day and it was the day religion came to the fore. It was the day we didn't have to work because the Bible said not to work on Sundays. That gave me the opportunity to read and write, which I loved far more than housework any day of the week.

 

As an adult, the Bible was my storybook, my library, my history and science text. It provided me with the intellectual stimulation available to me. Church situations and folklore provided the context in which to apply biblical stories. Thus, there really is very much about religion that is good if what one experiences is cultural religion like this. Where it becomes exceedingly complicated is when we become mature in our thinking and realize the evils that are justified in the name of this otherwise seemingly benign religion. The disillusionment can be extremely painful, not to mention confusing. Mathguy, I wonder if this is where you find yourself right now--caught between a rock and a hard place--you know religion is not the opium it used to seem to be, but you have also been disillusioned with "worldly wisdom." It, too, cannot solve all problems. Just dumbing down seems like the only solution right now. I think that's okay as one stage of the journey, possibly needful. But I don't think a bright person like you will stay there. Right now you need to feel the pain and confusion and darkness. That post is a work of art. Congratulations.

[Grandpa Harley]

Listen, big guy... you've lost something you invested your identity in. It's like losing a lover. doesn't matter who left who or why, you'd given your life to them and that part of it is now over. Grief, even in an abusive relationship. is natural.

 

In any loss, one day you'll notice the sun does shine, and, if you listen, the birds do sing. We heal. We always have some memory of the good times with the old love, even the drunken, nasty, bastard loves... and that's what hurts. The bad shit we forget. Try to remember the bad shit... they were an 'abusive drunk' who'd have sold you for glue to glory themselves, and if you'd broken an arbitrary rule dropped you like a hot brick, and would try to make all your friends hate you too...

 

But like any loss, even if it doesn't get better, you get used to the empty feeling, and one day, you will wake up and its just 'gone'... the memory of nostalgia...

[TheMathGuy]

Thanks for all the replies! I'm trying to just take it one day at a time. I've seen there are people who are quite happy without any religion, have moral convictions without needing to get them from a divine authority, and seem to have found meaning and purpose in spite of knowing that they will die. So I believe it's possible--I just haven't figured it out yet.

[Mankey]

Thanks for all the replies! I'm trying to just take it one day at a time. I've seen there are people who are quite happy without any religion, have moral convictions without needing to get them from a divine authority, and seem to have found meaning and purpose in spite of knowing that they will die. So I believe it's possible--I just haven't figured it out yet.

You will figure it out. Nihilism is self refuting if its absolute Nihilism.

 

You can't escape yourself. You can't help but to stumble upon things that will bring meaning again. It is inevitable.....because that is what humans do.

[Luke Wolf]

An interesting video.

Sometimes, I also wish I could just go back to the way I was. Life did seem so much more simpler, as everything was in God's control, Satan tempted me to do something bad, and I never would have gone down some of the paths I did. Allthough I made it out unscathed in some areas, and some of the paths left me with experiences I will never forget (both in a good and bad way), they left me forever changed in such negative ways I wish I never would have went down them.