Robbobrob Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 I'm In An Open Relationship With The Lord By Bonnie Nordstrum Polytheist September 26, 2007 | Issue 43•39 of The Onion With Jesus as my personal Savior, I felt like I had it all. But then we hit a rough patch, and before long, I was beginning to question both my faith in Him and His commitment to me. At one point, it seemed the relationship was doomed. But I did a lot of soul searching, and together we found a solution that fit both of our needs by adopting an alternative theological lifestyle. Now that I'm in an open relationship with the Lord, I feel a greater spiritual satisfaction than I've ever known. It all started when I was 16 and first asked Jesus to enter my heart. It was incredible. He filled me up with His love. I'd never been redeemed before, but with Jesus it felt so right, as if the sins of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. For a while there, we were communing via the sacraments several times a week! And every night we spent what seemed like hours in long, mutually satisfying sessions of prayer. I worshipped Him. Soon the honeymoon period ended, however. Whenever I spoke to Him, He seemed distracted and distant—sometimes I wondered if He was listening at all. Daily devotionals felt like we were just going through the motions of repetitive, meaningless dogma. A few months later, I made a potentially disastrous discovery: I found out I wasn't the only one He was sanctifying. One day, I overheard my coworker Sally talking on the phone about how much God had helped her through her recent divorce. She said she "saw the light" after just one night with Him. At first I kept thinking, "Is she talking about the same Savior?" The next Sunday, I followed her to an unfamiliar church on the edge of town and just sat in my car for a while in disbelief. I finally walked up to the front door, but before I could open it, I heard the unmistakable sounds of ecstatic praise coming from inside. There was no denying it. I'd caught Sally red-handed, making a joyful noise unto my own special Lord. I was devastated. How could He do this to me? Here I had let Him into my soul in the most intimate way possible, and He had betrayed our personal bond by accepting the thanks and adulation of Sally, and God knows how many others as well. I was humiliated I ever let Him wash my soul in His blood in the first place. But I began to realize that He wasn't the only one who needed more. Hadn't I been growing tired of reciting the same old liturgy week after week? So I steeled myself with a stiff drink of communion wine, opened up my Bible, and confronted Him. In His divinely inspired scriptures, I learned that I hadn't driven Him to seek out others. He just needed to redeem as many sinners as He could to fulfill His destiny as Messiah. It was part of who He was. If He could forgive me all of my trespasses, shouldn't I do the same for Him? He saved my soul, and now it was up to me to save the relationship. I decided then and there to start experimenting outside the boundaries of traditional monotheistic worship. To be honest, I'd been flirting with polytheism all along by accepting the doctrine of the Trinity and simultaneously worshipping the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. If I could see all three of them as viable deities, why not others? I took it slow at first. I'd always been a strict Protestant, but I started practicing some Catholicism on the side. Before long, I was meditating on the Buddha. I felt serenity coursing through my body like never before! The Lord my God is a jealous God, and He didn't like the idea at first. He made it very clear that I should take no God before Him—but he never mentioned anything about taking one after Him! And now that I've opened myself up to exciting new spiritual experiences, our bond is stronger than ever. I've gone to Native American drum circles, New Age channeling workshops, and Shinto temples. I hung a mezuzah over my door, and last summer I made a pilgrimage to Mecca. I even spent a weekend in a no-holds-barred, worship free-for-all with two dozen Hindu gods! See, we have an understanding: He can save any sinner He wants, and I can worship any deity I want. But we are still together. Some may think it's strange, but I'm no longer worried about other people's unenlightened moralizing. My spiritual life is better then ever! I love God—heck, I love all of them—and I am one deeply, deeply fulfilled woman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heimdall Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 Wow! That is almost Sex-U-Al! I feel like I need a cigarette and to wipe the sweat off! LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ouroboros Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 Is this how it is to be a Swinger for Jesus? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Piprus Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 So much for "Thou shalt have no other gods before me!" Oh well, whatever fries yer chicken... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oldjew Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 Wow thats great as I have a relation with him too. In fact sometimes he comes over to my house and spends the night, and other times I go over to his house. And he sure is good in bed. We have been secretly dating for years. His father is kind of nosey though asking a lot of questions and his pet holy goat follows him over to my house and eats up my flowers and leaves goat droppings everywhere. So how long have you and him been getting it on? Hey, I am not the jealous type,I believe in sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garrisonjj Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 I'm In An Open Relationship With The Lord By Bonnie Nordstrum Polytheist Jesushchrist! As long as it makes you fuckin happy! Carry on! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
South2003 Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 It all started when I was 16 and first asked Jesus to enter my heart. It was incredible. He filled me up with His love. I'd never been redeemed before, but with Jesus it felt so right, as if the sins of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. For a while there, we were communing via the sacraments several times a week! And every night we spent what seemed like hours in long, mutually satisfying sessions of prayer. I worshipped Him. If I was to take out the "jesus" and "god" out of this tripe, I swear, the chick was taking about a threesome or possible.... an orgie. gezzzze! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraphicsGuy Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 Haha...brilliant piece of writing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oldjew Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 With Jesus as my personal Savior, I felt like I had it all. But then we hit a rough patch, and before long, I was beginning to question both my faith in Him and His commitment to me. At one point, it seemed the relationship was doomed. But I did a lot of soul searching, and together we found a solution that fit both of our needs by adopting an alternative theological lifestyle. Now that I'm in an open relationship with the Lord, I feel a greater spiritual satisfaction than I've ever known. It all started when I was 16 and first asked Jesus to enter my heart. It was incredible. He filled me up with His love. I'd never been redeemed before, but with Jesus it felt so right, as if the sins of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. For a while there, we were communing via the sacraments several times a week! And every night we spent what seemed like hours in long, mutually satisfying sessions of prayer. I worshipped Him. Soon the honeymoon period ended, however. Whenever I spoke to Him, He seemed distracted and distant—sometimes I wondered if He was listening at all. Daily devotionals felt like we were just going through the motions of repetitive, meaningless dogma. A few months later, I made a potentially disastrous discovery: I found out I wasn't the only one He was sanctifying. One day, I overheard my coworker Sally talking on the phone about how much God had helped her through her recent divorce. She said she "saw the light" after just one night with Him. At first I kept thinking, "Is she talking about the same Savior?" The next Sunday, I followed her to an unfamiliar church on the edge of town and just sat in my car for a while in disbelief. I finally walked up to the front door, but before I could open it, I heard the unmistakable sounds of ecstatic praise coming from inside. There was no denying it. I'd caught Sally red-handed, making a joyful noise unto my own special Lord. I was devastated. How could He do this to me? Here I had let Him into my soul in the most intimate way possible, and He had betrayed our personal bond by accepting the thanks and adulation of Sally, and God knows how many others as well. I was humiliated I ever let Him wash my soul in His blood in the first place. But I began to realize that He wasn't the only one who needed more. Hadn't I been growing tired of reciting the same old liturgy week after week? So I steeled myself with a stiff drink of communion wine, opened up my Bible, and confronted Him. In His divinely inspired scriptures, I learned that I hadn't driven Him to seek out others. He just needed to redeem as many sinners as He could to fulfill His destiny as Messiah. It was part of who He was. If He could forgive me all of my trespasses, shouldn't I do the same for Him? He saved my soul, and now it was up to me to save the relationship. I decided then and there to start experimenting outside the boundaries of traditional monotheistic worship. To be honest, I'd been flirting with polytheism all along by accepting the doctrine of the Trinity and simultaneously worshipping the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. If I could see all three of them as viable deities, why not others? I took it slow at first. I'd always been a strict Protestant, but I started practicing some Catholicism on the side. Before long, I was meditating on the Buddha. I felt serenity coursing through my body like never before! The Lord my God is a jealous God, and He didn't like the idea at first. He made it very clear that I should take no God before Him—but he never mentioned anything about taking one after Him! And now that I've opened myself up to exciting new spiritual experiences, our bond is stronger than ever. I've gone to Native American drum circles, New Age channeling workshops, and Shinto temples. I hung a mezuzah over my door, and last summer I made a pilgrimage to Mecca. I even spent a weekend in a no-holds-barred, worship free-for-all with two dozen Hindu gods! See, we have an understanding: He can save any sinner He wants, and I can worship any deity I want. But we are still together. Some may think it's strange, but I'm no longer worried about other people's unenlightened moralizing. My spiritual life is better then ever! I love God—heck, I love all of them—and I am one deeply, deeply fulfilled woman. Wow that must be some powerful weed you have been smoking to have those experiences. But I'd have my heart checked out after that invisible god entered it to it. You never can be too sure when it comes to your heart to take those kind of chances. I hope they don't install a pace maker for your sake, but you need to get a EKG none the less. And hey, just some good advice, cut down on the weed as is bad for your lungs and second hand smoke isn't good for those around you either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
South2003 Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 Wow that must be some powerful weed you have been smoking to have those experiences. How about rolling me one.. :wink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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