Guest Jeremiah Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 My girlfriend of five (5) years just told me she can’t have a relationship with me because to do so would be violating God’s will and “perfect plan†for her life. She said “God will not allow me to have you.†I am divorced and she says that she can’t do anything to displease God, and “God hates divorce.†This wasn’t an issue five years ago when we fell in love, but it has become an issue recently (probably because of her family and church members). She said that God made her physically sick to get her attention and that he brought a curse on her family for her disobedience to God. She said that God was withholding his blessings from her, me and her family for her rebelliousness. She has become a real hard-core fundamentalist and I was always a more moderate Christian until I became an ex-Christian after she terminated our relationship. At first I hated myself for being unworthy of her love and God’s blessing, but when I started researching fundamentalism and discovered TruthBeKnown.com and Ex-Christian.net, I woke up and realized that I wasn’t the one with the problem and I became an ex-Christian. My question is: should I try to help her break free of her fundamentalism or just let go? She won’t talk to me or exchange emails, but I was wondering if I should anonymously send her a book such as “Dare to Think for Yourself†or “Leaving the Fold†or “The Dark Side.†I know that once I started researching fundamentalism and the inquisition and the Crusades and Bible Inerrancy and Man’s Inhumanity to Man and all the atrocities performed in the name of God and Jesus, I could no longer be a Christian and a freethinker at the same time, so I chose to think for myself and become an ex-Christian. But I’m afraid that my ex-girlfriend is so brainwashed that I don’t know if there is anything I can do to help. But if there is anything I can do to help, I want to…. I hate to see her throw her life away and live in constant fear of eternal hell fire if she doesn’t please God 100% of the time. Thanks in advance for your compassionate replies and support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Japedo Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Jeremiah, I can not even convey to you how hard this is. Unfortunately there is no easy fix for the mindset of the fundamentalist extremist. Even if you do send her the books, the names alone will appear as some sign or a test from gawd. The mindset alone rejects anything including cold hard facts, reason and logic if it goes against the persons faith. Faith endures past facts and reason to fundys, God will fix or assist anything they don't understand, it is the major loophole in faith, and an easy cop out. If you are not for God you are against him. Anything you say or do will appear as if an agent of Satan is trying to trick them away from god. My mother was deeply involved in this. My sister and I tried for years to "save" her, the harder we tried the further in the cult she went. Everything in her life was battled on the spirtial plane (God and demons and their agents) of which the godless weren't allowed to see, we aren't holy enough. Because of our lack of faith Satan uses us to temp the righteous. I have heard it all. Watching someone you love so deeply fall victim to this mindset is one of the most helpless feelings known to exist. It is the case for me anyway. You will not be able to take on god and win to them. Make it known, if in 5, 10, 20 years from now she ever wants to talk you'll be there for her. She has got to want the truth in order to accept it. It was your own quest to find god and answers that lead you were you are, It's not anything that can be forced. If anyone has any idea how to save people from the clutches of fundamentalism I haven't heard of it. I often wish there were a place we could go to get help and assistance for this. Move on with your life as best you can. Prepare a just incase to be there for her for an ear in the future. Outside of that I don't really think there's much you can do if she's cut you out of her life completely. I'm sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwc Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 I feel sorry for you but she's already gone. You need to just put your life back together and move on without her. Don't send any books, no emails...nothing. It's over. I have a feeling that the religion thing was just her version of "the cowards way out" anyhow. There was something more bothering her but being able to run away and then say "God said to leave" was easier than addressing the real issue(s). I wouldn't be surprised that she didn't come to believe that lie though if she did become fundie as you say (since shutting down critical thinking and compartmentalizing seems to go hand in hand with that). Anyhow, someday she might realize that she should have done things differently but by then you should hopefully be well into your much better life without her. Don't worry about what might have been though. She didn't. Put all your energy into what will be. mwc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 I, too, think you should let her go. It is quite obvious that she doesn't want help at this time. And help cannot be forced. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhia Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 I am so sorry for the pain she's causing you. No one deserves to be told that they are the cause for God cursing them. Being a former fundy who instantly could remember saying ALL the things you have mentioned that she has said, I'm afraid she really does want to end her relationship with you. The sad thing is, I did the same on a more minor level - I would break up with my high-school boyfriends by telling them that God told me to; and that supposedly I didn't really want to, but that what He said goes, and that His plan in my life was greater than I could ever understand. Unfortunately, she's not adult enough to be able to just come right out and tell you that she doesn't think it's working - and instead she has to blame you for sin in her life, affliction in her life, and make your life hell. She's probably hoping that by telling you all this, you'll see the greater good of god's plan for her life and eventually your own *sarcasm*. She may be hoping that your love for her will be greater than your lack of faith, and that you'll come to God if you feel that your relationship with her will be threatened by the "wrath of God". I say, don't let her threaten you! It's horrible, it's cowardice, and it's very unloving; but unfortunately, it seems that God, er, I mean she, has made up her mind - and it's final. Leave her be, because unlike the Christians who influence her and many others, you seem to have the ability towards compassion and love; but there comes a time when people use that too much to their advantage, and that's when you need to just let them go. So don't try to deconvert her - that has to be something SHE wants, and obviously she doesn't. There are lots of lovely non-Christian and ex-Christian ladies out and about that wont give you this crap; so I suggest maybe investing your time in the persuit of one (or more ) of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Godless Wonder Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 Ouch. My question is: should I try to help her break free of her fundamentalism or just let go? She won’t talk to me or exchange emails, but I was wondering if I should anonymously send her a book such as “Dare to Think for Yourself†or “Leaving the Fold†or “The Dark Side.†If she won't talk to you or exchange emails, it's doubtful she'll read a book from an (easily guessable) anonymous source. The thing is, you can't deconvert someone, they have to do it themselves, and if they are against it to the point of refusing to look at anything which challenges their viewpoint, it's very unlikely to happen. I've been in a similar situation (but not 5 years into it, more like 5 months, lucky me...) and I wasn't able to find any way to fix it. Sucks, don't it? You know that movie The Princess Bride? Inigo Montoya was always searching for the Six Fingered Man, who killed his father? Christianity is kind of like my Six Fingered Man now. Oh well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garrisonjj Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 My girlfriend of five (5) years just told me she can’t have a relationship with me As painful as it may be, just let her go with her beliefs. Relationships are difficult enough even when you share the same beliefs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
qadeshet Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 Should I Try To Help My Ex-fiancé Or Just Let Go?, Can we de-program committed fundamentalists? Don't waste your time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RIPw4 Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 I empathize with you my friend. It is best you pick up the pieces and move on. you wouldnt want her to try and convert you back so its only fair you dont try and "convert" her to common sense. Good luck and remember, there are plenty of fish in the sea! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueGiant Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 As much as it sucks to say it, let her go. Live your life, and find someone who will love *you* for you, for for some invisible-sky-daddy's plan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts