Have You Ever Felt "trapped" Or "paralyzed"?

[L.B.]

Hello friends...

 

When I realized that I had deconverted (I didn't have a huge 'moment', just a gradual and then final realization that I could not rationalize the fairytales anymore), I thought, "OK; even though I cannot be as public as I would like about my un-faith, non-faith or whatever, I can still go on and think and feel and practice or not practice whatever I want in the privacy of my own thought life and home environment." What happened very quickly, however, was and is one of the most painful experiences I have ever had. I found myself simply "paralyzed". I could not bring myself to feel FREE to do and think as I felt was right, no matter how resolutely I disbelieved one thing and/or believed another. There was and is a sense that unless I 'repent' and go back to being a good little Xtian lemming, I will be unable to truly liberate myself from the idea that I can think and act and live on my own without the motivations or compulsions that come with religious adherence.

 

I know, and remind myself daily, that part of my problem is that I got into a jam when i sold the house I was in and moved into a church-owned house while I was still a True Believer [TM]. One big part of my fear/entrapment issue is that I feel "under the microscope" when it comes to my life as I am surrounded by the leaders and members of this church.

 

Shouldn't I be able to THINK differently, though, without all the fears flooding in? Even in the privacy and seclusion of my own mind? I can't tell you how confusing it is to be sure that what I am surrounded by is wrong and even harmful to me and my family, yet be unable to either do anything about it OR even be able to THINK or REASON differently without fear that life is going to come to a screeching halt. It feels like the things I want to believe and the ways in which I want to live are just... over... there... ever so slightly out of my grasp and unreachable no matter how hard I try.

 

Anyone else ever feel (not from 'god', but from other people or from life) that unless you just get in line and behave, your world will collapse? Ever feel like no matter what else you chose to believe after deconverting, it was just out of your reach and you couldn't have it or really be free to embrace it?

[1_individual]

Hi L.B.

 

I struggle almost daily with that same feeling. As I was reading your post I immediately felt irony upon remembering John 5:8, where Jesus said "Pick up your bed and walk"

 

After you walk a while "your legs" will provide the strength needed to traverse the rocky trails you WILL adn already do encounter dealing with fundies and even your own fears (rational and irrational). Some days are slow hard climbs and some are like coasting.

 

How many years were you a "lemming?" I love that one, BTW. Give yourself time to sort through it. One thing I'm learning, is that it really does take time.

 

You will find what you are looking for. "Through off your chains of reason, and your prison disappears."

 

I have found a ton of help in "Leaving the Fold" by Dr. Marlene Winell.

 

Thanks for your post, it actually helped me with a current argument/issue I'm having with a friend of mine.

 

Yours in Perception,

Frank

[white_raven23]

Anyone else ever feel (not from 'god', but from other people or from life) that unless you just get in line and behave, your world will collapse?

 

No. People who give off this "impression" by their warnings to me for "my own good" Get this expression from me... followed pretty quickly by one of these....

 

I noticed quite a while ago, that an individual has intelligence and common sense, but these 2 qualities decline rapidly in proportion to an increasing number of people. So once you talk about all of "society" you are talking about a mass of people who collectively cannot get a pair of shoes tied. So how could I be the least concerned, or even interested as to being an accepted member of "the greater whole"?

 

Ever feel like no matter what else you chose to believe after deconverting, it was just out of your reach and you couldn't have it or really be free to embrace it?

 

Like hell. The only one qualified to determine my life and my beliefs is ME. I am the sole resident of my own skull, so the only one capable of restraining my beliefs is me.

[R. S. Martin]

I agree with 1_individual. It will take time. It may also help when practical life situations are adjusted to better reflect your inner convictions and needs. I think to function optimally, our psyches must be fully integrated. This does not allow for the cognitive dissonance that seems to be required of you at the moment. Thus, it makes a lot of sense that you feel trapped or paralyzed because, in reality, you are.

 

Psychologically and emotionally you are trapped. Our thoughts and feelings do tend to show in some way or another. Your psyche probably knows this on some level. It is scared. And rightfully so. It cannot risk exposing you to The Enemy. There may be issues that you cannot even think of or address so long as it is not safe for you to do so. Many and many a time have I found this to be the case in my life. I think it is the psyche's attempt to protect the individual from the most blatant instances of abuse.

 

For example, many years ago there was an issue of debate in our family. I gave it much thought and had my answer all prepared for when Dad brought me my week's supply of eggs. However, I was unable to think of it while he was in the house. When he was safely gone it all came back very clearly. I also realized then that if I had told him my real thoughts on the matter he would have errupted in rage and I would have been devastated. It did not matter that the family did not know my thoughts. That was when I understood that my psyche (or unconscious mind) protected me. That is one aspect of what I think may be happening to you.

 

There is more. After I had left the church and physically removed myself from the geography of their community, every time I so much as anticipated changing to more conventional dress I would get mental images of the shocked faces of my mother and sisters. I would "hear" the disapproving comments of my former community. Even so, had I wanted to change, I would have changed. I didn't want to because I felt very comfortable, so I didn't. The point is that these mental images and "voices in the head" take TIME to grow weaker and "conscience" has nothing to do with it.

 

But this is not all. After I cut contact and never thought about the dress question at all anymore, I still felt trapped. I visualized myself critically ill as in near death, and the hospital room crowded with my religious siblings desperately and heavy-heartedly praying that I would repent before it is forever too late.

 

I DON'T NEED THAT! It would feel like oppression supreme. It occurred to me that other arrangements can be made legal. Once I knew how to die freely I felt able to live freely.

 

The Christianized part of your mind might not be ready to admit this kind of thought into your consciousness at this point. Be patient. Give it time. There is no Judge.