R. S. Martin Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Hi Miriam, This might interest you. I forgot about it when on the phone. While I was waiting for the bus at Zehr's a Mennonite lady with a dress and head-covering was out walking. She must be Conservative Mennonite because I did not see any cap strings and her dress was kinda short for Markham. [Conservative and Markham are two different kinds of car old order Mennonite] She must live in town because she was not carrying a purse. I think she was on a walk. She seemed extremely uncomfortable and passed at quite a fast clip. She refused to meet my gaze or acknowledge my presence. That being the case, I felt fully justified in staring and watching where she went. I think she lives in one of the Camelot places. Probably newly rich retired farmer's wife. I wouldn't be in her place for the world! She wants the luxuries of the world but she doesn't want to be "of the world." Very uncomfortable place to be in. So far as I know, this is the first Plain People living within city limits of KW. I had to give it a lot of thought how or whether I could share my safe space with THEM. I realized that she is so seriously uncomfortable that I am "further up the totem" (a term I heard recently) than she is so it might work. I have this evil vengeful streak in me that gives me a strong desire to spend a lot to time down at the duck pond behind the Camelot places in the near future. That way, if she wants to sit at her back window or on her patio she will have to see me. There is only one little problem. My calendar says we're heading into--WINTER. Not a good time to hang out at duck ponds.... Oh well, if she actually lives there she might still be around next spring. And by then my vengence might be replaced by more appropriate feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pandora Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 I'm not sure I understand why it makes you so uncomfortable to live in the same town as this lady. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 One person to whom I talked about this asked whether it's normal that she didn't meet my gaze. It's very normal. 1. We didn't come from the same group. I'm from the horse and buggy group, which normally puts her higher on the totem that me and she would know how to be nice if we met in a "normal" situation. But this is anything BUT! 2. I am apostate which messes things up completely. City="the world". She invaded "my" territory and she knows it full well. She did not count on THAT when she was excited about moving into this new-fangled mansion in the city--I'm sure of that. Chances are that she does not know exactly who I am by name and family. However, other factors play into the situation. Presumably she has normal vision for a sixty-year-old. My vision is about half of normal. This means she probably saw and evaluated me and drew any conclusions she was going to draw long before I knew of her existence. Thus, by the time I saw her she pretended not even to see me. And what did she see when she evaluated me? A non-descript fat old lady dressed in what probably passed for old order Mennonite dress topped with a battered old straw hat with a curled brim--no Christian head-covering but hair hanging open, hunched sideways onto a seat at the bus-stop with one foot on the bench and the other on the cement. Black backpack tied with a shoe-string sitting on the bench beside her foot. Totally and despictably undignified for a woman who obviously had been raised to know better. Not a person she would want to get mixed up with by any means. 3. Obviously, I have degenerated to the level of whore if I sit in such an undignified manner in public so of course she can't talk with me! Never mind that I have a medical problem that requires that foot to be elevated when possible. My first thoughts on seeing her approach was to offer her a seat. The bench is long enough for me to double-park and someone to sit at the other end. Some people do that, but others don't feel comfortable. I accommodate people this way. My condition is not that bad. But she did not respond at all to my initial glance. Nor did she respond to my prolonged glance like people always do at bus stops. She kept up her pace. With each step it became more evident that she was not here for a ride. She marched right past the entire bus shelter without acknowledging the presence of a single human being. Her entire posture was totally foreign. It reminded me again of the culture I thought I had left behind. It showed me how far I had come in integrating with city culture. The bus pulled up and I felt so much more relaxed with the people in blue jeans coming off the bus than with the lady dressed similar to me. So very often when I am sitting at the curb, waiting for the bus, in whatever position I feel comfortable do I think of "what the Mennonites would think if they could see me." Today that nightmare happened. I guess this is why I feel the need to vent. It's the things I know she thought but didn't say. These things that are so deeply ingrained since birth that speak from every fiber of body language that it might as well be emblazoned across the sky or blared over the universal intercom by God Almighty Himself. This woman definitely has no right living in MY neighbourhood. Okay, I am not the police. I can't make her move out. I have been living here a long time. I have friends here. People like me and treat me right. This is my home. This is where I belong. I can go my way and she can go hers. As she obviously does. I will be comfortable. I don't think she will ever be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pandora Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Ok.... I'm still very confused... probably because I have no idea what this totem thing is all about. Also, I'm much more of a "live and let live" person and I don't concern myself with my neighbors. I'm not rude, but I keep to myself, although I do wave and smile once in a while. I don't understand this whole "territory" thing because I wasn't raised the same way you were, I guess (without this us vs. them mentality even within my own sect). Everything is pretty much everyone's territory as far as I am concerned besides inside the four walls of my house. She's probably very aware of and very uncomfortable with her surroundings. I understand that you must be very self-conscious of how you appear to people who would have welcomed you with open arms a few years ago, but don't worry about how they see you or how anyone sees you. Besides, you might even be wrong about what is going through her mind.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 I'm not sure I understand why it makes you so uncomfortable to live in the same town as this lady. That's okay. If you've never been perpetually gang-raped by an entire culture and damned for not loving it and hated for not thanking them for doing it you probably can't understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pandora Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 I was just reminded of an airplane ride I went on a few weeks ago... there were some Amish, Mennonites, or something getting on the plane. Large family, walking in a row. I did notice how alien they seemed.... now, there are plenty of Amish in Indiana and I'm used to seeing them interact with "normal" people in public. Reserved and quiet, but not completely awkward. They are used to it. This family seemed totally out of place.... their discomfort caused me to feel uncomfortable. I think I get what you're trying to say now. Just thought I'd add that in case I sounded catty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pandora Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 I'm not sure I understand why it makes you so uncomfortable to live in the same town as this lady. That's okay. If you've never been perpetually gang-raped by an entire culture and damned for not loving it and hated for not thanking them for doing it you probably can't understand. I posted my last comment before you posted this one. I think I've begun to understand.... I totally see how you were raised might cause a different reaction out of you than it would out of me. Perhaps moving to an area where you won't be confronted with Mennonite culture so frequently would be a good thing for you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 I'm not sure I understand why it makes you so uncomfortable to live in the same town as this lady. That's okay. If you've never been perpetually gang-raped by an entire culture and damned for not loving it and hated for not thanking them for doing it you probably can't understand. I posted my last comment before you posted this one. I think I've begun to understand.... I totally see how you were raised might cause a different reaction out of you than it would out of me. Perhaps moving to an area where you won't be confronted with Mennonite culture so frequently would be a good thing for you? Thank you! I'm so glad you're beginning to understand. About moving to a "safe" place. That's what I did! And now they're moving here. I can't just keep running! These people didn't used to live in the large cities. This isn't a large city by many standards but it's larger than they used to live in. They used to stick to the small towns. I think the best way for me to handle this is to focus on the "ordinary" people and shut her out of my life until/unless she starts treating me like a human being. So many, many times in the five years since I've been living here in the city have I felt overwhelmed at how decently people have treated me. I get treated as though I were a human being. Then I stop myself. I ask, "Huh? Treated like a human being? Why am I impressed by this? I AM a human being." Then I realize that this indicates how inhumanely I have been treated by my native culture. I do not anticipate living that down anytime in the near future. There are scars that may never fully heal. My guess is if we ever did get into a conversation she would be as manipulative as our own Buddy Ferris. I've had to leave off watching that debate simply because it arrouses too many ngihtmarish memories. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clearview Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 What if you were to dress in a manner which did not identify you as a Mennonite/former Mennonite? I imagine that would enable you to feel safer from other eyes, as if in camouflage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 What if you were to dress in a manner which did not identify you as a Mennonite/former Mennonite? I imagine that would enable you to feel safer from other eyes, as if in camouflage. That's an idea if the problem becomes serious. I never thought of that. Thanks for suggesting it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwc Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 There's the old saying "Living well is the best revenge." You said it yourself that she probably will never be comfortable living there while you grow more comfortable all the the time. She's the fish out of water. Even if more move in they'll never turn "the city" into one of the old towns where you came from (I'd take it to validate that I was right to leave since so many are following). So who cares what she thinks? You've divorced yourself from her ways. Live well, live how you want, and if she sees then so much the better. Who knows? Maybe you can even inspire another apostate? mwc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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