Fyre's testimony

[Kalidasa]

I originally posted my testimony in November 2003 - this is a newer version.

 

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I was 15 and a half when I became an atheist. I'd been raised Anglican (Church of England) all my life - I was christened, went to scripture classes all the way through primary school, attended church and Sunday school classes for about three months during 1994 (my family wasn't and still isn't what you would call practicing Christians), and I even endured seven long, hellish years at the local Christian school. I'd been going to the local public school before that.

 

I wasn't very well liked at my 'old' school. I tried to be nice to everyone, and it wasn't well received by my fellow students (it ended up in me being labelled by the other students as a retard, which I'm not by any means). So my parents yanked me out of there in December 1995 and shoved me in the local Christian school a month later. It was great for about the first two years - I had friends for the first time in my life, I was doing well, and I liked it there. But in 1998, as I entered Year 8, it all changed.

 

That year, I started pleading with my parents to let me go back to public school. I can't remember exactly why I wanted to go back. My parents refused, so I paid them back in the best way I could think of. I hated it there, so I gave up on everything, but mostly my schoolwork. Did that piss my parents off? You'd better believe it. They subjected me to this tirade about how they were spending thousands of dollars a year to give me 'the best education possible' and I was just throwing it back in their faces. Admittedly, I was. But I didn't give a rat's ass about that. Did my indifference make them see 'the error of their ways'? Hell no.

 

I began feeling 'out of the loop' in Year 9. My grades began picking up again that year (I'd discovered that I was good at mathematics), and I had some great friendships, but...something was missing. I was the only kid in my class who didn't regularly attend church - in fact, the only time I was ever seen at or set foot in church was at the compulsory start-of-year church service that my school held every year. And I'd started to feel strangely apprehensive when it came to lessons that involved Bible readings (more often than not, English). I also became depressed and suicidal, and didn't see any point in living. It was truly the lowest point of my fifteen years of life.

 

Six months later, I discovered atheism. I had a habit of spending my lunchtimes at school in the school library, and I'd taken to reading a couple of the religious books that were archived there. I didn't really believe that there was a higher power, and I hadn't believed for a few months. I found an entry on atheism, and that was when it clicked. I'd been living a lie, and lying to myself, my entire life. I wasn't a Christian. I was an atheist.

 

Some might say that this decision was brave. Others might say it was the height of stupidity. But it was my decision, and it felt right. Almost five and a half years later, it still feels right. It was the best decision I ever made. In hindsight, it probably wasn't the best time to make it. I had absolutely no support network during my deconversion. Somehow, someone found out what I was and spread it around campus, and I went from being well-liked by all of the teachers and students to being considered no better than pond scum. I was called 'heretic' and 'freak', had children as young as ten (my school was for kids in kindergarten right up until Year 12) following me around campus singing inane little songs, and whenever I was in the library I had kids dropping heavy Bibles on top of whatever I was doing at the time, without any regard for whether or not there was something breakable on the table at the time. I even had said Bibles thrown at me. I wear glasses, so those students definitely had no regard whatsoever for my personal safety. It continued like that for the next three years.

 

I finally managed to escape that school in November 2002, and, save for the few students that I keep in contact with, I no longer have any associations with it. My only reminders of those seven years of hell are school photographs, school reports, my Higher School Certificate results, and the rugby jersey that my parents coerced me to buy during my final year there. I don't even remember the names of half the kids I went through high school with, despite the fact that I was in the same class with all of them from Year 6 up until Year 12. I've thrown out the only Bible that I ever owned.

 

My experience at a Christian school changed me. I am bitter to my core for one, and I carry countless scars that haven't yet healed. And I'm not sure that they ever will.

[Reach]

My experience at a Christian school changed me. I am bitter to my core for one, and I carry countless scars that haven't yet healed. And I'm not sure that they ever will.

Christianity is not the only enemy of the inner person but it seems to be a most insidious one. There are countless opportunities, as we are painfully aware, of being hurt by the inconsiderate comments made by people who are, on certain levels, personally insignificant to us. But those hurtful comments, sometimes by total strangers, get added to a pool from which we draw much pain. How do we avoid drinking from that source? How do we avoid allowing others to determine our value?

 

How tragic that all too often, Christianity does not change lives for the better (and does not make children kinder) but gives license to its adherents to hate and ostracize those who don't "belong" to the ingrown group it fosters.

 

My heart goes out to you, Fyrefly. I grieve for the pain that you were made to deal with, as real as scars that might be carved into your flesh. Time does not heal everything but time helps. I believe you have time. I hope that you will come to realize wholeness in every area of your person.

 

Bitter waters are revitalized and made healthy by movement.

 

Thanks for reposting your story here and sharing your life with us.

-Reach

[Loren]

Some might say that this decision was brave. Others might say it was the height of stupidity. But it was my decision, and it felt right. Almost five and a half years later, it still feels right.

Of course your decision was brave, Fyrefly. All the animalistic bullying that followed your decision and the fact that you stuck with your convictions in the face of bullying shows that you're brave.

 

And of course, on a level deeper than the physical, Christianity itself is a cosmic bully that attempts to threaten us into submission and conformity. I'm sure you've seen from other people's posts how much courage is needed for many to stand on their moral convictions that such a great number of Christian doctrines and policies are cruel, unjust and criminal.

 

You are courageous, Fyrefly. Our world needs more of such bravery.