Grandpa Harley Posted November 10, 2007 Share Posted November 10, 2007 Today, when I opened my inbox there were 70 new spam e-mails waiting there, despite having one of the best programmed and trained spam AI I could find for free... So, as an open message to spammers 1) Penis Enlargement. No, thank you for the offer, but I repeat, I decline. You're hitting your head against a wall of indifference this end, since your expecting me to be paranoid about one of the few parts of my anatomy I am not remotely insecure about. You are wasting your time 2) Large, Firm Breasts. OK, now we're cooking with gas, but why on earth would I want to grow them? They are a little at odds with the rest of my equipment. Hell's teeth, if I had a two foot schlong (see point 1) and large firm breasts, then I'd not need to leave the house! Intriguing thought, but I really prefer my breasts on ladies... 3) The 'Ultimate' Masturbator: Shit out of luck. If I'd taken up the offer in point 1, I doubt it would fit, in fact not taking up the offer in point 1 I doubt it would fit... however, for my 'self pleasuring needs' I have always found Widow Thumb and her four lovely daughters more than adequate to my needs without resorting to something that appears to be a horse's arse hole crossed with a Maglight in day-glo pink and red plastic that looks cruddy in the illustration... but thanks for the thought. 4) Replica Watches: now, I have a serious watch fetish, that borders on a paraphillia. However, I've not seen a Tag or a Rolex I'd give house room to, the only Breitling that is an object of desire is the Lindbergh Chronograph/clockwork navigational computer, and there would be no point owning some Third Party replica, since the whole point is that it's the real thing, made to the original plans I'd not even want the gold one, since the original was aluminum and stainless steel. My fetish is for the outre... the downright quirky... The Hamilton Ventura is a prima facie case... and I have the two variants I want (Black and white gold, Brown and Rose gold, both with black faces) so, again thanks for the offer... 5) Nigerian financial offers: OK, 15 million USD is an appealing thought, but since I kept my investments out of pan-Africa deliberately, I'm not giving my details to any Reverend Doctor, and I would sooner place my privy member (see point 1) in a functioning blender than give my shekels to a politician without the threat of jail time if I don't. I'm sure someone else will take your kind offer at some time... just not me. 6) Recruitment Spam: If I'm being head hunted I expect to be paid, not pay an 'administrative fee'... may your water logger corpses be raped by dolphins and devoured by sharks... I think that covers it at this time... All the best, Gramps Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amethyst Posted November 11, 2007 Share Posted November 11, 2007 1) Penis Enlargement. No, thank you for the offer, but I repeat, I decline. You're hitting your head against a wall of indifference this end, since your expecting me to be paranoid about one of the few parts of my anatomy I am not remotely insecure about. You are wasting your time LOL. I wish I could tell all the spammers that I'm a woman and that particular product will never work for me. 6) Recruitment Spam: If I'm being head hunted I expect to be paid, not pay an 'administrative fee'... may your water logger corpses be raped by dolphins and devoured by sharks... Agreed. There are many free job-hunting web sites out there. Why would anyone pay a "fee" to look for a job? Sounds like a scam to me. Come to think of it, I haven't seen a lot of spam since I've been on Gmail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thurisaz Posted November 11, 2007 Share Posted November 11, 2007 LOL. I wish I could tell all the spammers that I'm a woman and that particular product will never work for me. Considering just how loud the gals at work laugh when one of those spam mails drops in, sometimes I want to be a woman simply to fully understand their amusement. That said, for a German (and other non-English speakers I trust) there's the additional fun of "google-German" - the ludicrously poor translation jobs that tell that the spammer just hurled its shit into some translation service and unthinkingly used the result. The last one we got stopped our work in its tracks cold for at least 15 minutes because we were laughing so damn hard about the vi-aaaag-ra spam we had received in our team inbox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SWIM Posted November 11, 2007 Share Posted November 11, 2007 Hey don't forget to address phishing spam. SECURITY QUESTION please click here to confirm your Bank One login and password. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted November 11, 2007 Share Posted November 11, 2007 LOL. I wish I could tell all the spammers that I'm a woman and that particular product will never work for me. Considering just how loud the gals at work laugh when one of those spam mails drops in, sometimes I want to be a woman simply to fully understand their amusement. That said, for a German (and other non-English speakers I trust) there's the additional fun of "google-German" - the ludicrously poor translation jobs that tell that the spammer just hurled its shit into some translation service and unthinkingly used the result. The last one we got stopped our work in its tracks cold for at least 15 minutes because we were laughing so damn hard about the vi-aaaag-ra spam we had received in our team inbox I suspect you have to know two languages well to even get that the joke exists. No, obviously, just knowing a popular world language other than English exposes you to the Joke. But my guess is that native English speakers who know no other language cannot really get the Joke anymore than a man can get why women laugh so hard at penis-enlargement emails addressed to us personally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted November 11, 2007 Share Posted November 11, 2007 Today, when I opened my inbox there were 70 new spam e-mails waiting there, despite having one of the best programmed and trained spam AI I could find for free... So, as an open message to spammers <snip> I think that covers it at this time... All the best, Gramps Gramps, that's hilarious. Too bad you can't actually send it to a real live person. Hotmail is actually really good at cutting out spam. The only spam that enters my inbox these days in Texas Holdem Party Poker, or whatever. And I haven't gotten any in a while. In fact, their newest edition screens stuff so hard that I didn't get an email even in my junk box that I was looking for. That worries me a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Japedo Posted November 11, 2007 Share Posted November 11, 2007 Today, when I opened my inbox there were 70 new spam e-mails waiting there, despite having one of the best programmed and trained spam AI I could find for free... So, as an open message to spammers .................. I think that covers it at this time... All the best, Gramps Gramps thanks for posting such a worth while rant!! My spam filter doesn't seem to weed out all the bs either, thanks for the spot on chuckle, it was much needed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev R Posted November 11, 2007 Share Posted November 11, 2007 Ok ok I get it. Do you want me to stop sending you the webcam chicks too? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted November 11, 2007 Share Posted November 11, 2007 Ok ok I get it. Do you want me to stop sending you the webcam chicks too? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grandpa Harley Posted November 11, 2007 Author Share Posted November 11, 2007 Ok ok I get it. Do you want me to stop sending you the webcam chicks too? Unless I'm the one in the Gimp mask strapped to the table... stop it now... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amethyst Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 LOL. I wish I could tell all the spammers that I'm a woman and that particular product will never work for me. Considering just how loud the gals at work laugh when one of those spam mails drops in, sometimes I want to be a woman simply to fully understand their amusement. That said, for a German (and other non-English speakers I trust) there's the additional fun of "google-German" - the ludicrously poor translation jobs that tell that the spammer just hurled its shit into some translation service and unthinkingly used the result. The last one we got stopped our work in its tracks cold for at least 15 minutes because we were laughing so damn hard about the vi-aaaag-ra spam we had received in our team inbox Mein Deutsch ist sehr slecht. I was an exchange student to Germany in the 90's. However, I can imagine how bad the translation would be, probably worse than my own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbobrob Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 I started cataloging all my scam-spam into a blog. Kind of a clearinghouse of the types of scams out there and what they do. I have posted all the major types so far, and I started the stupid blog LAST WEEK!!! I play with them, send insulting e-mails and use up their time acting interested for a few e-mails....when I'm in the mood (usually a great way to blow off steam....rant AT the scammer, tell them that they suck at their job and are giving real criminals a bad name....does wonders and always puts me in a good mood). Anyway, if anyone is interested, I'll give you the round about way to the blog....go to my fiction blog, linked below, go to my profile, and the scam blog called "Eff You Scammers" should be listed, and, of course, enjoy....LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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