What Do You Do When The Person To Whom You Are The Closest Won't Let You Talk About Your De-conversion?

[girlfound]

What do you do when the person to whom you are the closest won't let you talk about your de-conversion? My recovery from the cult of Christianity is the most important thing in my life right now, and I need to talk about it, and I can't talk about it to my partner. This means I can't talk about my work either, because as a writer, my work is mostly about my recovery from religious brainwashing. Also, with my de-conversion affecting everything from my movie choices to my family relationships, there's just isn't much left to talk about with my him. Sometimes when we're together, I find myself sighing and wishing I could talk. He knows how I feel, because I told him I don't feel close to him because of this boundary of his. But I am very frustrated. My partner is a very caring person and would do just about anything else for me. We are seeing a really great couples counselor and we both are committed to making this thing work. I think our relationship will make it, but until this problem is solved, I fear there will be much unrest.

[SWIM]

What do you do when the person to whom you are the closest won't let you talk about your de-conversion? My recovery from the cult of Christianity is the most important thing in my life right now, and I need to talk about it, and I can't talk about it to my partner. This means I can't talk about my work either, because as a writer, my work is mostly about my recovery from religious brainwashing. Also, with my de-conversion affecting everything from my movie choices to my family relationships, there's just isn't much left to talk about with my him. Sometimes when we're together, I find myself sighing and wishing I could talk. He knows how I feel, because I told him I don't feel close to him because of this boundary of his. But I am very frustrated. My partner is a very caring person and would do just about anything else for me. We are seeing a really great couples counselor and we both are committed to making this thing work. I think our relationship will make it, but until this problem is solved, I fear there will be much unrest.

 

 

Lots of people knee-jerk react with fear over deconversion. After all, in their eyes you are hell-bound. My wife is xtian, and I mostly kept my non-belief from her. However there are times we talk about it. She is defensive and combative, full of warnings of hell-fire. She uses feeble arguments to support it, things like "there are smarter people then you that believe!".

 

Sometimes it's just not worth it to either party to talk about it. It can lead to seperation or divorce. It can end friendships. If you have no problem with them having an invisible friend, then don't talk to them about it. Talk to us! Or find an ex friend to talk to.

[upstarter]

This is one of those times when I wish I could think of something helpful to say. It's hard for me to imagine sharing my life with someone who wouldn't let me talk about what was in my heart, even if it was something they didn't believe in. Why won't he let you talk about it? Is it too painful for him? I just don't get it.

 

I wish you luck with counselling, but I have to say that this would be insurmountable for me. The person I share my life with is the one person in the world with whom I can be totally and completely open and myself with. We don't always agree, and frankly I don't always understand what he's talking about, but I always listen when he talks about what matters to him. Without that, we'd be congenial roomates, not life partners.

[par4dcourse]

I'm in that same boat. I thought my mate was on the same page, since she's very reasonable otherwise, but after a few months she said I was much too verbal about my de-conversion and that she was still xtian. We agreed to disagree but its frustrating not to talk to her about anything remotely atheist.

[GraphicsGuy]

girlfound,

 

There are many on this site who can relate exactly to what you are going through. I am one of them. I know what it's like to have the one you love be uncomfortable with the questions you have. My wife (now ex largely due to deconversion) was downright harsh with my attempts to talk about things.

 

I know that you HAVE to talk about it and how frustrating it is to hold it in. I really don't recommend holding it in because you end up squashing your own personality and desires. Life becomes dull and colorless when you are not able to express yourself freely.

 

I hope the counselling works for you both. I hope your partner realizes that you as a happy, healthy, whole person is more important than him having the version of you he hoped for...

[PoeticLicence]

DITTO HERE, TOO! And it's so tough. My hubby of 25 years was a minister for about 20 of them!! Sheesh! Needless to say, he's not real excited about our discussions. We use humor to cope but it doesn't really get to the heart of the issue. I'm dealing with it by talking openly with my co-worker and girl friend. Even then, I'm cautious to weigh how my raw emotions may affect them.

 

Hang in there! People keep telling me it gets easier. I'm holding onto that.

[GraphicsGuy]

Even then, I'm cautious to weigh how my raw emotions may affect them.

 

It's tough, isn't it? "Raw" is certainly the correct word. I can't get into an argument with a fundy without ripping all my own bandages open and then my anger just rushes out completely uncontrolled. Yeah...just found that out AGAIN last week...

 

Hang in there! People keep telling me it gets easier. I'm holding onto that.

 

Man, I hope it does too...it already feels like years since I deconverted, but it's only been months.

[Checkmate]

Move over, fellow heathens. Make room for one more in this ship of "fools."

 

My wife NEVER wanted to discuss my atheism and after three years she still won't. (Doesn't bother me. I hate talking about religion and I don't like her anyway. One day soon I'll either divorce her or spank her. The jury is still out on that. After a few more episodes of "CSI" I might be ready. I'll keep you posted. )

 

If you're married and there is LOVE between you, I'd wager that things will work out for the best. If there is NO love, then you're sucking hind tit. Get ready for silence and/or warfare.

 

If you're NOT married under these circumstances, then for fuck's sake DON'T GET MARRIED!!!! If there is one bible verse that I agree with it is "be not unequally yoked." There is nothing worse than being joined with someone who's determined to go a different path than you. That shit ain't fun. Take it from someone who is living it.

 

Here's hoping that your shit is easier to clean up than mine.

 

~ Checkmate

[RIPw4]

Dont let something like this effect your relationship.

The way I see it. Some people like chocolate some people like vanilla.

He likes christianity you dont..

 

We all have differences..Dont let a difference ruin a relationship..

Find others to talk to about it..

Would you want to hear him talk about how great Jesus is or how atheists go to hell?

Of course not..Just as he doesnt want to hear about there being no G-d.

 

I hope you guys work things out. My last ex and I had a similar problem... She left me..lol

 

good luck!

[woodsmoke]

You all know how much I love to play Mr. Happy Cheer You Up, so I'll go ahead and interject something here.

 

I hope you guys work things out. My last ex and I had a similar problem... She left me..lol

 

Be ready for this.

 

It know it ain't pleasant to think about, but it's my experience when a True Believer is experiencing an internal battle between personal and religious conviction, the former seldom emerges the victor.

 

Not saying this will necessarily happen with the other half of your horizontal mambo, and actually hoping it won't, just doing my part to brighten the world by soliciting a sunny anecdote.

 

(how's that for optimism, Gramps? )

[RIPw4]

You all know how much I love to play Mr. Happy Cheer You Up, so I'll go ahead and interject something here.

 

I hope you guys work things out. My last ex and I had a similar problem... She left me..lol

 

Be ready for this.

 

It know it ain't pleasant to think about, but it's my experience when a True Believer is experiencing an internal battle between personal and religious conviction, the former seldom emerges the victor.

 

Not saying this will necessarily happen with the other half of your horizontal mambo, and actually hoping it won't, just doing my part to brighten the world by soliciting a sunny anecdote.

 

(how's that for optimism, Gramps? )

 

 

Your sunny disposition is always a warm friendly blanket in this cruel cold world!

 

lol

[girlfound]

Dont let something like this effect your relationship.

The way I see it. Some people like chocolate some people like vanilla.

He likes christianity you dont..

 

We all have differences..Dont let a difference ruin a relationship..

Find others to talk to about it..

Would you want to hear him talk about how great Jesus is or how atheists go to hell?

Of course not..Just as he doesnt want to hear about there being no G-d.

 

I hope you guys work things out. My last ex and I had a similar problem... She left me..lol

 

good luck!

Thank you. That was helpful. “Don’t let a difference ruin a relationship.†That’s wise. After all, differences have started wars between countries. Not the differences themselves but people’s unwillingness to live with differences. My partner is not a Christian, he just doesn’t like people talking about Christianity in a passionate way—either for or against. And I guess I can live with that. Your comment led me to some helpful problem solving, too. Together, my partner and I made a list of the mutual interests which hold our relationship together, so we can refer to it when one of us feels uncomfortable with the topic at hand. For example, when I’m feeling alone because I can’t talk about Ex-Christian things, I can refer to this list and suggest we talk about something on it. Another situation, if I’m starting to go cross-eyed because my partner is talking passionately about his work, I can suggest a topic from the list then too. Some of the things on our list, things which interest us both, are the following:

Nostalgia and trivia

Imaginative humor

Stories about senior citizens we know

Stories about little children or teenagers we know...etc.

Thanks again!

[girlfound]

In the Rants and Replies forum, I wrote a post entitled, "What do you do when the person to whom you are the closest won't let you talk about your de-conversion?" I posted the following:

 

My recovery from the cult of Christianity is the most important thing in my life right now, and I need to talk about it, and I can't talk about it to my partner. This means I can't talk about my work either, because as a writer, my work is mostly about my recovery from religious brainwashing. Also, with my de-conversion affecting everything from my movie choices to my family relationships, there's just isn't much left to talk about with my him. Sometimes when we're together, I find myself sighing and wishing I could talk. He knows how I feel, because I told him I don't feel close to him because of this boundary of his. But I am very frustrated. My partner is a very caring person and would do just about anything else for me. We are seeing a really great couples counselor and we both are committed to making this thing work. I think our relationship will make it, but until this problem is solved, I fear there will be much unrest.

 

RIPw4 wrote, in part,

 

Dont let something like this effect your relationship.

The way I see it. Some people like chocolate some people like vanilla.

He likes christianity you dont..we all have differences..dont let a difference ruin a relationship..

 

 

The following is my response to RIPw4. It is my hope that all Ex's reading it will be encouraged.

 

I'm posting this to thank you again and to report that the most unbelievable thing happened between my boyfriend and me. Because of your post, I decided to accept the fact that my boyfriend can't listen to me talk about my deconversion process. ("Just such a simple example of 'chocolate' and 'vanilla' was what did it for me!) Not even a week after I decided to exercise some acceptance of my boyfriend's unwillingness, he gave me an early Christmas gift. He gave me a beautiful, small ceramic Christmas tree with a candle inside. But the real gift was what the accompanying card said. It read, "You are my love, and my gift to you is my willingness to listen to any stories, feelings, or thoughts you want to share about your deconversion process." The card rendered me speechless. I still haven't fully processed my feelings fully. All I can think is, "Wow! when you finally accept a problem that seems impossible to accept, life sometimes has a funny way of removing the problem altogether!" I was so shocked - I am still in shock. My boyfriend explained that the tree was meant as a tangible reminder of the more important gift of his willingness. He said, "I know Christmas is hard for you, and by giving you the gift of my willingness, it is my hope that you'll feel freer to enjoy Christmas this year." That card was the best Christmas gift I ever got, probably the best gift I ever got period. Thank you again, RIPw4, for your help. With much appreciation, girlfound.

[R. S. Martin]

Girlfound, this post nearly makes me cry. I am so happy there is real understanding and love in this world, even for us exC's who have been so horribly misunderstood and abused. So often people who have never been deeply involved with religious abuse simply cannot get it into their heads how very important it is for us to talk about our stories and tell and retell our stories just to get the poison out of our systems.

 

In social work courses they stressed how important it is for victims of abuse to tell and retell their stories as often as they need to. I never understood it but if I look at it this way--in terms of purging the system of the poison, then it makes sense. Sometimes I get sick and tired of retelling my story, then other times I go through cycles when it seems I can't tell it often enough. The good thing about these forums is that it's a transient population--there are always new people coming who haven't heard the old stories.