Night Of The Living Jesus

[Guest metamorph]

Did your momma ever tell you, when you were snuggled in your bed,

about the man named Jesus? How he rose up from the dead?

Well, now that the players are all long gone, and I'm secure from libel,

I'd like to fill you in on what they never told you in the bible.

 

You may have heard that. on the night he came down from the cross,

his friends and followers were gathered there, bewailing their great loss.

They took his body back to town, and laid it in its tomb;

then went away to Peter's house to contemplate their doom.

 

But, in the night, the strangest thing was seen up in the sky;

a flaming star from heaven, glowing brightly, passed close by.

It bathed the land of Jerusalem in a baleful, greenish hue.

Was it a sign from God? The people knew not what to do!

 

Meanwhile, inside the sepulchre where Jesus lay at rest,

the radiation burned into his shroud, and warmed his chest.

It caused his blood to glow, and his heart to start a pumpin'.

His legs began to twitch, and his body started jumpin'.

 

The seizures continued in this vein until the morning's light;

then, without warning, a re-animated Jesus sat upright!

Stumbling to his feet, he tried to remember where he was,

but found he couldn't think straight, like his mind was filled with fuzz.

 

But a growling in his stomach soon replaced his dull confusion,

as hunger pangs sent signals through his re-born constitution,

accompanied with anger from some buried memory-

the eyes of a betrayer, whose face he couldn't see.

 

He looked around the cave, but found the door blocked by a boulder.

Not knowing any better he shrugged, and then applied his shoulder.

With a grunt or two, he heaved, and soon he'd rolled the stone away;

and there stood Jesus in his glory, squinting in the light of day.

 

Outside were Mary Magdalene, and another Mary or two,

and John, and Mary, and James, and Mary; and that Mary who wasn't a Jew.

They fell down on their knees at his approach, commenced to pray;

but when he raised his arms and shrieked, they rose, and ran away.

 

The sight of all those bobbing heads disappearing 'round the hill

filled the newly risen saviour with a violent urge to kill.

Driven by revenge and hunger that he couldn't quite explain,

Jesus headed for the city- he was pissed, and needed brain!

 

Before he'd gone a mile or two, he came upon a traveler.

The Samaritan walked right up to him, to engage him in palaver.

'Where head ye, friend? ' he started, in a frank attempt to flatter,

then Jesus bit into his skull, and dined on his grey matter.

 

Upon reaching the outskirts of the 'city of the Lord',

he came upon another man, who seemingly had scored!

He was counting several silver coins- t'were thirty in his hand;

t'was Judas, who was on his way to buy a piece of land.

 

That feeling of betrayal rose up into Jesus' throat-

THIS was the guy who'd kissed his ass, and later got his goat!

Judas shrivelled beneath the weight of Jesus' piercing glance;

then Jesus grabbed him by the nuts, and made him crap his pants.

 

'Please, Lord! ' he begged, as jesus drew him in for close inspection,

'I'm just a sinner, saved by grace; forgive me my defection!

Remove from me the guilty stains, absolve me from disgrace.'

Jesus growled, 'You're forgiven, my son, ' and then he ate his face.

 

By this time, half the city had been warned by all the Marys.

They came with torches, clubs and swords; anything that they could carry.

They were led by Peter, whose battle cry was, 'Let nothing else appease us

than to have the head and testicles of the blessed zombie Jesus! '

 

Jesus turned and beat his heels, to escape the impending slaughter.

He left the road to give them the slip, but then encountered water.

He tried to walk across the lake, to elude his pursuing flock;

but his magic powers gave out halfway, and he sank just like a rock.

 

Peter hung around a while, in search of telltale bubbles,

but nothing ever surfaced; t'was the end of all their troubles-

except, of course, for the Romans, the Pharisees, and the High Priest,

but the Christians were all used to that, and weren't bothered in the least.

 

A legend DID grow up as to the lake where Jesus drowned.

It seems it was a favorite place of anglers all around.

But, afterwards, the fish all seemed to die, or swim away;

and ever since, it's been known as the Dead Sea-to this day!

 

And as for the zombie Jesus? Well, he was never seen again.

The story changed, as stories always do when told by men.

But, after all is said and done, can the un-dead ever die?

I guess we'll never know for sure, but I did hear from this guy...

 

that the zombie Jesus lives today, in the secret catacombs

down underneath the Vatican, with the leprechauns, and gnomes.

They/re hiding him down there; they're not sure why, but have their hopes.

Meanwhile, they feed him errant priests, and over-zealous popes.