Proof Life Can Change In A Day...

[Warrior_of_god]

I'm a very private person, I rarely let others get invilved or even know about any problem i have. But in some cases...even I fail.

 

 

My Girlfriend is pregnant...but it might not be with my kid.

 

I actually dont dread the thought of having a kid...its just a little sooner than I would like. The problem, if you can call it that, is that I want the kid to be mine...because then she wouldnt have cheated on me. If its not, she did cheat and it is no longer my problem...if it is, she was loyal and it is my problem and I get to stay with her, which is what I want. So...apparently i want the kid to be mine for the wrong reasons. I would still take care of the kid, love him/her and make sure they were brought up right...but I still feel like I would consider him/her a mistake...

 

Money isnt a problem kid-wise. My parents will be a lil angry, but I can keep up with that. I just feel slightly overwhelmed by this problem...if it's mine...if its not... I wish it was just simpler. I wish love was simple... I dont really know what i'm asking here, advice? Support? I dont know.

 

What I do know is that I love my girlfriend...and that wont change if she cheated...Ill still love her, we just wont be together. If the kid isnt mine, I personally hope it crushes whatever dreams she had...cause that's what she'll have done to me...and I think I just contradicted myself.

[♦ nivek ♦]

WoG,

 

Life happens.. Usually at the speed of "oh shit!!!".

 

Like Cosby says, "You say it, then you do it.."

 

Kid will indeed change your life. Only advise I will give at this particular time is this:

 

If you want to claim parentage, be sure before child is born, do the State paperwork in hospital (if you two elect to use one) and make fucking sure you are on the papers as FATHER.

 

This will cause and cure millions of lines of paperwork in the future. Hopefully you and your Lady and child enjoy a long happy life together. If not, that paperwork done right will help keep custody shit to a minimum at a later time.

 

I'll chime in first with a CONGRATS, and hope for you and them a good easy time with pregnancy and birth. If you folks need anything let the assembled know.

 

kevinL

[Warrior_of_god]

Yea...this is "oh shit!" I wish it was simple. I both hope it is mine and hope it isn't. I'll still love her either way... one way it will be easier.

 

Thanks for the advice...I'm rather overwhelmed by this. Usually I can figure out what to do, and it's clear. Not so much here. Like swimming on the bottom of a muddy lake. I think we need a smiley sitting in a corner worried...that would be appropriate right about now. Shit happens way too fast sometimes.

[HuaiDan]

Did you ask her? Is she claiming it's you?

[Warrior_of_god]

I havent been able to get a hold of her yet, she's been sick. She told someone we both trust a while ago. It means that she got pregnant here, and not somewhere else, meaning it could be mine, if it's not she cheated. I dunno what she'll claim..in a way I want her to claim its mine. Our friend would only tell me that Barbara told her something important and that it was her responsibility to tell me. I honestly dont have proof either way yet.

[HuaiDan]

If you've only been told "It's something important", then are you 100% sure she's pregnant?

[ShackledNoMore]

Do you have reason to suspect that she's cheated? And was it supposed to be a monogamous relationship?

[Warrior_of_god]

If you've only been told "It's something important", then are you 100% sure she's pregnant?

I'm not 100% sure, I'm not really 100% sure about anything. However, Tasha wouldnt lie to me and Rachel corroborated her story.

 

Do you have reason to suspect that she's cheated?

She did it before in previous relationships... She told me she wouldnt and that she regretted doing it before...I believed her, I still do.

 

And was it supposed to be a monogamous relationship?

I was hoping it was I dunno what she thought of it. I havent seen any signs that she thought any different.

 

There is enough gray area here that I havent filled in yet, but I think ive got a decent picture of whats going on.

[HuaiDan]

Whatever you do don't get stuck raising someone else's child. Don't even consider it. You may as well put a bullet in your head if you did because it's genetic suicide.

[Warrior_of_god]

Genetic suicide? I'm not really concerned with passing on my genes...

[HuaiDan]

I wasn't saying you were, but I think it's a bad idea to waste your time and energy taking care of someone else's. It all depends on your perspective I guess. I think DNA is real and tangible, but love is just something we make up as we go along and changes over time.

[Warrior_of_god]

If it's someone else's I am not taking care of it. Ill take responsibility if it's mine. I do love her though...sometimes I hate being in love. I do think ill have a DNA test done if we arent sure who the father is...

[HuaiDan]

But then you have a conundrum. If you don't know whose it is, then she's cheated on you. That's something I could forgive, because I'd be a serious hypocrite if I couldn't. But getting pregnant by someone else or giving me a disease is something I couldn't forgive

[Warrior_of_god]

I know its a problem. I couldn't forgive her if she cheated on me, if she did it once, then she will probably do it again. I couldn't deal with that. I just want a damn relationship hat will work and not be so complicated.

[HuaiDan]

I hear ya man. Totally hear ya. I'm 38 and still looking, and I ain't a shabby catch either.

[ShackledNoMore]

I think you're coming from a reasonable position, and it sounds like there really is gray.

 

The trust issue is a majorly hard thing to patch up if it's discovered you've been cheated on. I believe the logic that if they've done it to you before, they probably do it again is sound.

 

I also think it's a very good, positive sign (although not proof a person won't cheat) if they 'fess up to having cheated in a previous relationship, regret it, and don't plan to do it in future relationships.

 

For what it's worth, I think I'd be looking at the same courses of action as you depending on weather the kid was mine or not.

 

I hope you don't find yourself in a situation where you think genetic testing is called for but she makes it awkward.

 

Oh, and assuming the kid turns out to be yours, congratulations! My son was an accident, too (although different circumstances--he was the 2nd of 2 and the concerns were health concerns, not relationship ones), and I can tell you, he's the most loved and treasured "mistake" I could possibly conceive of.

[Fweethawt]

This sounds like a job for Maury Povich.

 

 

 

Good luck, dude, regardless of how this all turns out. Kids are fun, and kids are a pain in the ass. But when it's all said and done, if you're a good parent, you couldn't imagine life without them.

[Warrior_of_god]

The trust issue is a majorly hard thing to patch up if it's discovered you've been cheated on.

I dont think I could trust her after something like this anyway.

 

Oh, and assuming the kid turns out to be yours, congratulations! My son was an accident, too (although different circumstances--he was the 2nd of 2 and the concerns were health concerns, not relationship ones), and I can tell you, he's the most loved and treasured "mistake" I could possibly conceive of.

 

If it turns out to be mine, it will be loved, very much so. I just planned on having a kid 5-10 years in the future thats all. As far as concerns go, I'd rather have relationship ones than health ones.

 

A close friend already advised me not to get married ASAP if the kid is mine. Not that I was planning on it. Heh...I drive fast but i didnt think my life was gonna decide to go this fast.

[Rhia]

What I'm wondering is this: if she is 100% sure that she's pregnant, whether or not the father is you or someone else - has she considered that she doesn't even need to keep it? Abortion (especially so early on, as it sounds) or adoption are also good alternatives.

 

I keep wondering to myself why on earth people still think that getting pregnant is a "consequence", when there's a perfectly good Planned Parenthood that believes in the concept of "choice"; and if you both don't want it, don't bring a mistake/surprise into the world.

[Warrior_of_god]

Shell want it...I know she will. I dont see her aborting it...adoption is a maybe, but i think it would be hard on her.

[SWIM]

Shell want it...I know she will. I dont see her aborting it...adoption is a maybe, but i think it would be hard on her.

 

 

I am 46 and raised two girls to adulthood. It is a *big* task not to be taken lightly. It has been my experience in life that if someone is a "cheater" they will continue to be so.

 

If it's yours, stay. If it's not your's consider the childs fate. Is the real dad gonna marry her, or will she be a struggling single mom? The child comes first, always. I know it sounds bad, but children are innocent and have zero say as to who their parents are.

 

If you were aware she was a cheater when you got with her, YOU took this risk. However, YOU are not responsible for a baby you did not concieve. You are innocent, and free to discard her. But what of the child? Where does that leave it? In poverty? Squaller? Part of being Dad starts with self sacrifice.

 

I am not telling you which way to lean, just that the whole, big picture, see the forest, not the trees, make your decision from that point of view.

[Warrior_of_god]

I didnt know she had cheated before when I started going out with her. If the kid isnt mine I dont feel I have a reason to take care of it. Can I help? Sure. But i wont take care of it 24/7 if it is not mine.

 

If she becomes a single, struggling mom it will be through her own fault. Not fair to the kid, but It would be her fault. Now If she couldnt feed the kid I could help, or try and get her to give it up. I know she wants kid(s) though, I just dont think It would be easy to get her to do that.

 

I hate this. I love her. If she cheated on me....we're done. If she didnt, we take care of this. Neither option is easy.

[SWIM]

I didnt know she had cheated before when I started going out with her. If the kid isnt mine I dont feel I have a reason to take care of it. Can I help? Sure. But i wont take care of it 24/7 if it is not mine.

 

 

That's a nice conscious soothing answer on the surface, but how would you know? If you are *done* with her, you wouldn't know would you?

 

Let me ask you this. Think it over carefully. If her child, which you know was not yours, was accidentally left where the baby carriage rolled into the highway, and the only way to save it would be to run out there, shove it out of the way, and get killed by a Mac Truck, would you do it?

 

If your answer is yes, then you would give your life for a child that was not yours. Is not raising it the same thing? You are giving up *your life* so that they may live. It's all a part of that forest. The big difference in the truck example is you are instantly giving your life, the other is a longer, much more enduring fate.

 

Not giving you the answer here, that is up to you of course, and I am not telling you what I would do either, I won't. It's up to you.

 

This was just another nugget to think over in your quest for a decision.

[Warrior_of_god]

I would rather have to hunt the Iron Boar with Bleda than deal with this, but I have to.

 

Would I save the child if it were going to be killed? Yes, anything less would be barbaric. As far as not knowing if it is mine or not, thats why they have DNA tests.

 

I'll still love my girlfriend even if the kid isnt mine...I just dont wanna have to deal with losing her. Part of me hopes the kid is mine, cause then my girlfriend and I can stay together, if its not, I cant stay with her. Helping the kid and being with her are two separate things.