How Do You Accept The Necessary Evil Of Disowning Abusive Children?

[girlfound]

How do you accept the fact that your daughter is abusive of you and that keeping yourself safe means having no contact with her? I do not contact her anymore, indeed she has excluded me from her life, but the fact that she at any minute is going to make me a grandmother, makes acceptance of our estrangement really difficult. Her husband is abusive of her, and both together have been abusive of me.

[girlfound]

Feel free to jump in, guys! I need encouragement!

[Taphophilia]

You didn't give very many details. Though, I think doing something that's healthy for yourself isn't evil.

 

It sounds, and I don't have many details here, that your daughter is angry and perhaps lashing out on you because she can. When you are in a abusive relationship, you are angry at everyone else but the abuser.

 

Taph

[RIPw4]

What can one say in this situation. Sounds like you have it under control.

If they are abusive towards you then stay away from them. If they are abusive towards your grandaughter call Child protective Services.

[R. S. Martin]

About how to accept the fact...I guess I am somewhat unsure of the situation. A few days ago--maybe it was a week or two--you were saying you left your infant son at foster care because your husband abuses him and that you are still suffering from a breakdown that caused. Now you say your daughter is about to make you a grandmother...

 

I agree that it is best to keep yourself safe and to think possitive thoughts. Finding something constructive to do may also be helpful. Like the others say, knowing more details would be helpful when giving advice. There should be agencies in your area who can help you with mental health, legal aid, or safety.

[Hineni]

Going out on a limb, here...again, as some have said, not knowing the details, but knowing intimately abuse....I've "accepted" by 'understanding' the cycle of abuse.

 

Perhaps she has secondary PTSD or primary...I don't know, but by that, maybe you can see what she's going through, especially if she's in another abusive relationship.

She may not understand it (PTSD), she may need to be educated.

 

I don't know what caused the rift, and I'm sorry if what I said doesn't fit the bill, but it's all I have to offer with what little you wrote.

I'm trying to imagine what it must be like for you......

If we could just all walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

[zefferus]

It sounds like your situation is complicated. I believe you have every right to protect yourself from harm. When I'm dealing with painful things, I try to remember that whatever I'm feeling at this moment will surely change, but what I do at this moment will have an affect on the nature of that change. I've learned that I can choose to what extent a person's behavior affects me.

I've had problems in relationships with my adult children and have at times obsessed over feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness. Accepting them as they are right now isn't easy, but anything else is self-delusion. I believe that healing begins with a decision to seek better outcomes and the place to look first is within myself.

I hope you take these comments in the spirit that they're offered. Not as judgements, but as empathy, understanding, and encouragement.

 

Good Luck

Dawson

[Amethyst]

Hi,

 

I am sorry that you are dealing with such a crappy situation. One thing that helps me to deal with stressful situations is journaling. Writing is my means of figuring out how I feel about things and what to do about them.

 

I would also strongly advise you to get professional counseling. It sounds like you are going through a great deal of personal pain.

[girlfound]

You didn't give very many details. Though, I think doing something that's healthy for yourself isn't evil.

 

It sounds, and I don't have many details here, that your daughter is angry and perhaps lashing out on you because she can. When you are in a abusive relationship, you are angry at everyone else but the abuser.

 

Taph

Thanks, Taph, for responding even though I haven't shared much about the situation. The situation is complicated and very painful, so I'm being careful to share according to my own comfort level. You are so right. My daughter is very angry and lashing out at me. The lashing out explanation, though it is a great one and probably right on, does not excuse her abuse of me. I am tempted to excuse the abuse on that basis, but I must not. I must hold my ground, not accept the abuse, and wait for her to change. I'm glad you brought this up (that she is lashing out because she can and that when you are in an abusive relationship you are angry at everyone else but the abuser), because it got me to thinking and realizing that I'm doing exactly what I need to do, which is to stear clear of her and her abuse. As far as I'm concerned, she and her anger and abuse can take a flying leap. I will never forgive her, but on the hand I will welcome a complete change in her behavior.

[girlfound]

What can one say in this situation. Sounds like you have it under control.

If they are abusive towards you then stay away from them. If they are abusive towards your grandaughter call Child protective Services.

Thanks, RIPw4. You're right, I do have things under control. It just feels like I don't have them under control, because everyone else in my family either doesn't believe me about the abuse or doesn't know about the abuse because they can't be trusted with the information. It feels out of control because I'm being left out of a major event in my daughter's life, the birth of her first child and my first grandchild. And I am the only one in my family who is being left out. My elderly mom, whom I am very close to, is kept in the loop, so my mom is the only way I can get information. But my mom is becoming more vulnerable with age and I hate sticking her in the middle by asking her questions about my daughter. Example: She came to visit me for Thanksgiving. I happened to ask if my daughter had sent her any pictures of herself. My mom casually answered, "Yes, two weeks ago she sent me some pictures of her pregnant." Me: "What? And you didn't tell me? Did you bring them?" My mom: "No, I didn't bring them." So, I'm feeling very left out, not only by my daughter, but by my mother whom I'm so close to. Left out, but not out of control, you're right. As far as reporting my daughter and her husband if they become abusive of my grandchild, there's no way of my finding out about abuse, as they live about a thousand miles away. Chances are that they will become abusive. I witnessed my daughter being abusive of a child when I accompanied her to her job working as a nanny, and I reported my observations in a written letter to her employer which almost (but "didn't," unfortunately) resulted in her getting fired from her job. I learned the news about her almost getting fired from my other daughter who has also disowned me.

[♦ nivek ♦]

girlfound...

 

You are in need of professional help, both physically and legally.

 

Where ExC can give support to specific problems, can help bouy certain headaches, help you along the road you are travelling. The Boards and persons here, unless they can identify themselves as professionals in the areas in which you seek redress, advise is what it worth.

 

You've got a plentitude of problems and issues which would tear most normal mortals apart. Suggest that you either continue therapies there locally, or find a competent server of your needs who can help you in the real world.

 

Relationship headaches, problems with kids, grandkids, spouses and their relatives can add up to an extremely explosive situation set that require participation by folks who can *do* something other than offer well wishes and polite words.

 

Continue your participation here, there are folks who share some of your problems. The Big However is that no one person here, or even the assembled group can *fix* what is hurting.

 

kevinFL

[girlfound]

Hi Guys. There have been some recent developments in this situation from which I have gained the following insights. Thanks for listening. Please don't respond unless you have something encouraging to say. And please know that I've got everything under control, and will be alright if nobody responds.

 

I will never regret escaping domestic violence. But it's a good thing I didn't know that doing so would cause me to lose my best friend, because I didn't know then just how strong I was, and I might not have been willing to risk such a loss. Now that I know how strong I am, I know that I will survive this loss. She didn't leave me right away. She left two years after I made my escape, when she told me she didn't believe my story of abuse. (For believing my story would have meant having to take a look at her own life as a victim of abuse and having consequently to make some life-changing decisions of her own.) She considers herself to be my best friend still, and doesn't realize that she has left me in her heart. She is my mother, and she was my best friend.