Am I Obligated To Answer This Letter?

[R. S. Martin]

I have not been responding to my immediate family for a long time. Now I got a letter from my aunt. The first anniversary of mom's funeral is coming up. Fundy celebration time I guess. Gotta rip off all the old bandages and see how things are coming along, esp. with the family's one and only atheist.

 

I had been going to toss the letter but at the end she asks personal questions:

Are you still learning at present? Do you also work part time? I just imagine you alone in your apartment when you aren't in school, but you probably have a group of friends you socialize with too.

 

Write or visit sometime.

1. I am always learning! THAT will never stop so long as my brain functions. If she means whether or not I am still studying formally she might ask that, but she doesn't. Obviously, she has never ever understood me and she never will.

 

2. About work and friends. It's pretty obvious what kind of life I am expected to live. An atheist version of her own life. I'm expected to live for the "bottom line" and socialize with a face-to-face community. That she does not mention church tells me she is trying to be sensitive to the fact that I an an "atheist"--whatever that means to her. Again, she doesn't understand me AT ALL!

 

If I could possibly be happy scrubbing floors, shining shoes, stitching quilts, and tending babies like she and her daughters are doing, I would NOT have made the major life changes I did. I would not have sacrificed every single relationship in my universe if that kind of work had even halfway met my needs.

 

Even if I tried responding to her letter what could I write about? I could fill one side of a sheet talking about nothing--such as how much snow we are having in my neck of the woods, what heating device I use on really cold days, where I buy my groceries and how I get them home without a vehicle, etc.

 

Amethyst mentioned in another thread about just letting go of something that is too much stress and headache. That is what this is. Except it's family. And my family SUCKS. I want them to just go back to where they came from. I don't want them anymore. I can do without them. I have a group of friends. I have a surrogate family. I have people who won't ask personal questions about stuff that is none of their business for the sheer purpose of gossip at the next quilting.

 

This aunt happens to have a neighbourhood shoestore for the Mennonites. Will anything I tell her be confidential? It would be more likely not to get to the wrong ears if I said it on local TV.

 

Thus, her "innocent questions" could be the Mennonite CIA.

[R. S. Martin]

PS I have no idea what, if any, church her son goes to. For all I know, he's an atheist, too. I am not interested in contacting him. He's at least twenty years younger than me and hardly interested in anything that interests me--it's not in his genes. Point: I may not be the family's one and only atheist for all I know. But I have no interest in checking it out.

[Deva]

I don't know, Ruby. It seems to me just from an outsider's point of view she is trying to extend an olive branch with the statement "Write or visit sometime." The questions just seem like friendly inquiries. However, I am well aware that I don't know the entire story although I have read many of your posts. If it is upsetting to you to maintain any type of contact with your family, I think you should simply toss it. No, I don't feel one is obligated to respond to any request by family members for information, beyond maybe the fact that you are still alive if they might be in doubt about it. Just my opinion of course.

[mwc]

It seems to me the learning is connected to school since she mentions school in the very next line. It seems that she seems oblivious to how your life could be functioning and the comments are innocent due to that ignorance. I think you may tend to over-analyze your letters from your family since, well, they cause you so much anguish. It might be best to just let them go if you suspect that she's just going to report it all back to the rest of your family. Could you possibly write to her and ask her not to do this? If you did do you think she'd tell them anyway?

 

mwc

[GraphicsGuy]

I doubt your aunt can imagine being in your shoes. You've done something that the mere thought of scares the crap out of her. She has her community and can't imagine life without it.

 

You have more courage in your left big toe than she does in her body and perhaps some small part of her actually admires you while she worries about you.

 

If you want nothing to do with them, then don't. You know them better than we do. If re-opening contact is just going to create stress for you then don't do it.

 

The "Write or visit sometime." did seem pretty friendly...but you still know best for you.

[CelloChick]

Ruby,

 

You said some smart things about stress. If writing a reply causes you stress, don't write one. If tossing the letter without replying causes you stress, write a reply. Given your concerns about some kind of Mennonite CIA, if you decide to reply, assume the letter will go public and write accordingly. You're right, snow is a good topic to stretch into a paragraph. I could probably prattle on about snow for two or three paragraphs if necessary. Either way, you'll make the right choice. You're smart. Trust yourself!

 

Just my two cents.

CelloChick

[Purple]

Ruby,

I think the learning thing is just an innocent mis-wording, remember she is not as well educated as you, and probably has no where near the vocabulary or mastery of language.

 

As to the rest, some may be innocent, but I get this feeling, that maybe you do too, that she desperately wants you to be sad lonely and miserable. What you have done I'm sure scares her, and although I am not familar with mennonites, I know with other fundy affiliations they teach to leave the fold leads to a devastated life full of sorrow.

[Guest Marty]

I, too, have read many of your other posts, and this letter seems much more benign than the others. The tone I read into her letter was that she expects you to be sad and lonely, and is checking in to see if your life is matching up with what her church tells her an Atheist's life is like. You said her son may be Atheist, maybe his life is also fullfilling and rewarding without religion and she is checking in to see how you are.

 

Without knowing anything about your culture other than what I've read from you, and being a man, I still feel confindant saying that I doubt you are the first woman to be 100% unhappy with the woman's role in Mennonite culture. You may, however, be the first woman within living memory to stand up and say "screw you guys, I'm finding my own way." That said, she may be your biggest fan, but is just too plain scared to tell you/act on those feelings of pride. She's related to you, she shares genetic codes, she may have dreamed of doing what you did her whole life. To further that line of thinking, the hostility you recieve from your sisters may very well be anger that you did something they do not have the guts to do, and they are jealous. They of course cannot even think this to themselves, so they suppress it and attack you. The anger they spew at you is the anger they feel inside for themselves.

 

I don't see why you couldn't answer her letter in a way that even if she does gossip, it won't go anywhere. You didn't print the whole letter, maybe it was more snooping than what I read of it, but it seemed inocent enough.

 

Tell her you have a job, friends, etc. Mention a local resteraunt you like to go to or something. You don't have to answer any personal questions she may have asked you, but answer the ones where you can paint a colorful picture of your life. Don't let her picture you sitting alone in your apartment suffering, paint her a picture of free Ruby, happily running through the pasture and rolling around in the grass, laughing and smiling and enjoying the one life we have to live.

[florduh]

she may be your biggest fan, but is just too plain scared to tell you/act on those feelings of pride.

 

I agree with Marty. I think everyone who is trapped in a backward culture because of religion must constantly question how it could be so bad on the "outside." Give her a glimpse of real life beyond the shackles. Not everyone is as strong as you are. Maybe she would at least like to think about escaping, and you can help educate her as to what that might be like for the others.

 

I think she means well, at least from what I read.

 

Best to you both,

- Chris

[Skiergirl24]

I think she means well. Maybe write a simple, brief letter back. In case she did mean something by the "I imagine you all alone..." I would say something along the lines of this: "I am fine. School (work, whatever) is going well and I love my life. I spend the majority of my time working, and when I am not working I am out with friends. I am so busy living life to the fullest that I cherish the small asmount of free time I have. Such is the life of a scholar! I hope you are well. All the best."

 

Alternatively you could write: "I am never alone in my apartment. My fellow devil worshippers and I spend all of our free time searching for virgins to sacrifice. Have you ever had to clean up after slaughtering a human? Wow. I should buy stock in Lysol is all I can say! I was actually kicked out of my old apartment due to the stench of decomposition my recent hobby of vampirism has caused. Luckily I was able to get rid of the body parts before the authories arrives. Don't worry...they have nothing on me! Isn't it amazing what gasoline and a wioodchipper can accomplish?! My career as a fetish star in the pornography industry has really taken off! If you would ever like to come with me to attend the premier of one of my movies let me know! Yours in Satan-"

[florduh]

"I am never alone in my apartment. My fellow devil worshippers and I spend all of our free time searching for virgins to sacrifice. Have you ever had to clean up after slaughtering a human? Wow. I should buy stock in Lysol is all I can say! I was actually kicked out of my old apartment due to the stench of decomposition my recent hobby of vampirism has caused. Luckily I was able to get rid of the body parts before the authories arrives. Don't worry...they have nothing on me! Isn't it amazing what gasoline and a wioodchipper can accomplish?! My career as a fetish star in the pornography industry has really taken off! If you would ever like to come with me to attend the premier of one of my movies let me know! Yours in Satan-"

 

That is awesome prose. I think I'm in love.

 

- Chris

[R. S. Martin]

You guys have certainy given me ideas. I'll have to give this more thought. I have to go in a few minutes. The reason I didn't post the entire letter was because it was mostly chit-chat about her family and I didn't think I should post personal stuff like that on a public forum.

 

Another thing I didn't post is the history she and I have. It's a very intense history with a LOT of negativity. She's my Dad's youngest sister, about halfway between him and me in age, and lived about a mile up the road from us. She figured large in my childhood and somehow played the role of bossy big sister. Her mom played critical over-bearing mother-in-law to my mother. Both of us sided with our own mothers, with my mother teaching me to submit silently to the abuse. She (my mom), of course, abused me in turn as she saw fit.

 

It was a terrible twisted situation. So there's a trainful of baggage to sort through and decide what to do with before I answer that letter. This could be an opportunity to try and reverse a lifetime of bad impressions. I'm 51 and she's 14 years older.

 

I gotta go.

[florduh]

You guys have certainy given me ideas. I'll have to give this more thought. I have to go in a few minutes. The reason I didn't post the entire letter was because it was mostly chit-chat about her family and I didn't think I should post personal stuff like that on a public forum.

 

Another thing I didn't post is the history she and I have. It's a very intense history with a LOT of negativity. She's my Dad's youngest sister, about halfway between him and me in age, and lived about a mile up the road from us. She figured large in my childhood and somehow played the role of bossy big sister. Her mom played critical over-bearing mother-in-law to my mother. Both of us sided with our own mothers, with my mother teaching me to submit silently to the abuse. She (my mom), of course, abused me in turn as she saw fit.

 

It was a terrible twisted situation. So there's a trainful of baggage to sort through and decide what to do with before I answer that letter. This could be an opportunity to try and reverse a lifetime of bad impressions. I'm 51 and she's 14 years older.

 

I gotta go.

 

 

Well, that's different. I'd just tell her off for the last time.

 

Maybe mention how you pity the women, in particular, who are shut off from the real world in that abusive little backward society. Tell her it's a ridiculous kind of existence when there is so much more to life and personal fulfillment, and that you could never go back.

 

I just don't have much patience with abusive relationships, so take it for what it's worth. Again, I wish you the best.

 

- Chris

[Skiergirl24]

LOL chris. I aim to please!

[Sparrow]

... Text ...

Dear Ruby Sera,

 

This is so hard. Having read your various postings over time, I personally don't know if I could ever give you good advice.

 

I suppose thought, since to me th letter looks like a genuine wish for contact, I'd find it hard not to respond. Perhaps you could test the waters and say something like "Dear Aunt Xyz, I'm well, abc is well, etc. Thanks for asking How are you? Love Ruby Sera" type of of thing and see if relationship developes.

 

If it does, then you could offer neutral ground - a coffee shop - and see how things work.

 

Honestly I don't know. I'd personall try and see how things work, and if it "sucks" then move on and make it the last.

 

Whatever you do, good luck.

 

Spastz / Willa

[R. S. Martin]

Okay, I'm back. Lots of time to think while waiting on various buses. Started composing a letter while waiting for my appointment and finished it when I got home before opening the computer. Now I'll respond to your posts and post a copy of the letter.

 

No, I don't feel one is obligated to respond to any request by family members for information, beyond maybe the fact that you are still alive if they might be in doubt about it.

 

Good point. Never thought of that.

 

It might be best to just let them go if you suspect that she's just going to report it all back to the rest of your family. Could you possibly write to her and ask her not to do this? If you did do you think she'd tell them anyway?

 

mwc

 

LOL! She is actually one of the last people in the world I would want to know a thing about me. And if I told her not to tell, she would tell them everything. But she would caution them not to let me know she told me because I told her not to tell. The rest of the Mennonite community would know it all, too. It would just be one of those things that would get told, either under cover of darkness behind closed door and in whispered tones, or preached across pulpits and shared at quiltings and other gossips bees. Probably both, depending on the stage the rumor is at. This Ruby is simply a first (at least I think I am) and nobody knows what to make of it.

 

Given your concerns about some kind of Mennonite CIA, if you decide to reply, assume the letter will go public and write accordingly.

 

That's the approach I've decided to take. Give them some real facts to deal with.

 

As to the rest, some may be innocent, but I get this feeling, that maybe you do too, that she desperately wants you to be sad lonely and miserable. What you have done I'm sure scares her, and although I am not familar with mennonites, I know with other fundy affiliations they teach to leave the fold leads to a devastated life full of sorrow.

 

I never thought of this but I'm making sure she gets a different picture--providing she decides to accept what I say as the truth and not a cover-up. Fundies--at least the type I came out of--are great at twisting everything I say to mean the opposite of what I mean. If I say I'm happy they twist that to mean I'm miserable and just pretending to be happy when I'm really not. When I say I'm feeling sad I really should be counting my blessing...

 

Marty, I seriously doubt that her son is atheist. I don't think he's intelligent enough to think his way out of religion. Last I heard he was not plain Mennonite, but he may be "worldly" Mennonite, or nominal, non-church-going christian. Of course, I haven't seen him since he was a baby.

 

My aunt, however, is not the meek and submissive know-nothing housewife. She married a man who couldn't read because he had bad teachers or whatever. She herself was a teacher at one time and she "has a mind of her own," to use my grandmother's words of many years ago. Her husband died five years ago of diebetes. My aunt just took over his shoe store business. I think she fixes shoes, too. I'm not sure, but I wouldn't put it past her to also make custom-made shoes for special needs if it's not too sophisticated.

 

She and her husband left the horse-and-buggy people for black-car Mennonites twenty years ago so she can drive anywhere she wants. I think she's a happy camper, a full-filled business woman.

 

I agree with Marty. I think everyone who is trapped in a backward culture because of religion must constantly question how it could be so bad on the "outside." Give her a glimpse of real life beyond the shackles. Not everyone is as strong as you are. Maybe she would at least like to think about escaping, and you can help educate her as to what that might be like for the others.

 

I think she means well, at least from what I read.

 

Best to you both,

- Chris

 

I don't think she feels trapped or shackled because she has the very talents needed to fit into her culture. I couldn't do what she is doing but I think she's happy. I will, however, give her a glimpse of "life on the outside."

 

And Skeirgirl, while I get a good laugh out of your post, there is no way I can write that kind of letter. There would be hell to pay. Literally. I'd have everybody on my back. You gotta realize just how innocent these rural folks are. They could not know that it's supposed to be a joke. I don't think they expect even me to be doing anything as dark and evil as all that. Even they have moved out of OT sacrificial times.

 

I'll post my letter in my next post.

[R. S. Martin]

Here's the letter. I'll put the letter in black and my reasons and explanations for people here in red.

 

Dear Aunt,

 

I got your letter yesterday.

 

This will save me greeting her in Jesus' name.

 

I'm waiting for my appointment.

 

She will probably associate "appointment" with healthcare; this will show her that I am capable of looking after my personal needs here in the Big City. I am supposed to be somewhat backward, if not outright retarded. Everybody just knows that. It won't hurt to let her know that I can at least get myself to a doctor.

 

She doesn't need to know that the person I saw today was not a doctor.

 

I tell the bus drivers what street to let me off because I can't see the signs and they are very good at telling me.

 

That will show her that I can help myself with The System and find my way around despite my low vision and lack of insight/intelligence.

 

I learned the hard way that it's important to tell them that I can't see.

 

This will prove to her (if she clues in to the nuances) that I am aware that things are not as black and white as they may seem.

 

Sometimes I can and sometimes I can't depending on the light, the location of the sign, size of sing, etc., so I didn't have to walk far that time.

 

This shows that I was able to help myself here in the Big City even though I made a minor mistake. "Big City" is very important here because we're talking about people who cannot imagine life off the farm. She herself is now living in a village and her daughters are babysitting in small towns. That's a step off the farm. But where I'm living is to them The Big City--of course, it's not Toronto by a long shot but still....to them it's the ultimate in mind-boggling confusion--the last place they'd want to be when it comes to living. Put a semi-retard like Ruby off the farm into such a maze and she's sure to mess up so bad she'll come home begging for a roof. It hasn't happened yet but...

 

My schoolwork is all off campus but I am busy full time reading and writing. I expect to finish by April 30, 2008, and then work in research and writing, which is what I am trained to do.

 

If anybody starts asking questions as to how much I get paid for my work, I will start asking questions about their mortgage payments, income tax returns, and that kind of thing.

 

I'm home now. I have a few rooms in the basement of a private home. We're more like family than tenant and landlady so I don't get lonely.

 

Let them know I get along just fine with the people I'm with. Somehow they figured out that I'm one horrible person to have around. The thing is, they just blame me for everything that goes wrong when I'm within blaming distance because they need someone to blame and I won't blame the next person unless I believe they deserve it. Which they usually don't. The people I live with really do feel like family. I feel comfortable and like it here. We have clearly defined boundaries, which is what I need in order to feel secure. It seems the others need that, too.

 

Also, this statement tells them that I am no way alone in the world.

 

Her adopted daughter (age 21) lives here part time.

 

While the daughter really is adopted, I use the term intentionally to avoid having to explain why it's okay for the woman to be divorced from the girl's father. If the daughter is adopted, they will think maybe the woman was never married, or is widowed. Let them think that way. I don't want to deal with the issue.

 

Many residents on this street are university students and they change with each semester, but there are a few houses with permanent residents who are good friends with us. I also have my own friends that I learned to know from living in this part of town for 5 years.

 

That should answer her question about my "group of friends." I don't socialize with anybody becaue I don't want to. I'm not a party person. I feel warm and loved when I meet an individual here or there who says hi, how's it going. This may be at a bus stop or in the grocery store or in some out-of-the way corner when both of us are out walking. She wouldn't understand so I won't go into this kind of detail. Let her fill in the blanks.

 

A major pleasure of my life is the friendly people, the beauties of nature and changing seasons out my window (and in the bush and duck pond when I go for walks), and the animals that visit my window.

 

I feel somewhat worried about keeping this part in it because she might think I spend all my time strolling through parks. Dad's family was so strong on working all the time and not ever playing. But I wanted her to see that my life is pretty much the opposite of dark and miserable, like someone mentioned they think life is like "away from god." On the other hand, I do say that I work full time. Surely a person is allowed to go for walks in the evening. Surely, anybody would go crazy if they did nothing but read and write all their waking hours. I'll leave it in because it's a hand-written letter and it's in ink. The rest is just chit-chat.

 

We have a lot of snow this winter here in ___________. I don't know what it looks like in the [farm] fields. I guess you live in a village, too, but you probably get out in the country and see farms more often than I do. Two years ago I walked half an hour out to the edge of the city, but I hear it is all built up now.

 

K________ must be [your son's] daughter. Do they go to church somewhere? It must be a pleasure to sew for your grandchild.

 

Your niece

 

I think that letter should pass for the Mennonite CIA. I tell them that:

• I'm busy full time and can take care of myself
  
  
• I've got a plan for my life and my life is on track (I fail to mention that I am a year behind schedule but they don't need to know that)
  
• I have a good place to live and won't be turning up on their doorstep (I'll go to a shelter first but they don't need to know that)
  
• I have friends and am not lonely
  
• I claim to be happy (they might put it in those words so as not to take responsibility for the impossibility that the atheist actually is happy)
  

In addition, I have the decency to do a bit of chit-chat and ask about her family. Perhaps that should have gone at the beginning.

[R. S. Martin]

I see there were a few posts I hadn't seen. Probably posted while I was writing or something, I don't know. But I haven't mailed the letter yet. I woke up and couldn't sleep and then this letter came to my mind. I realized what I'm trying to do. Spatz, I'm like you--I aim to please and my "aim to please" never stops. I have to summon my Brain to make the calls to protect the Heart. And it's time for Brain to speak and call the shots. Here's what Brain is saying:

 

Lookie here, my dear heart, what you're trying to do with every line of this letter is prove that you're "good enough." Remember what happened in the past every time you did that? EVERY LAST TIME?

 

Heart, in trembling and fear and embarrassment and sorrow at the utter hopelesness of the situation: Oh yes now I do. They always find fault with me and use my defenses to kill me. That letter must go in the garbage RIGHT NOW before it can do any damage, no matter how much time and effort I spent on it. Why didn't I think of this sooner? Because of this great failing of mine in wanting to please--of wanting some kind of relationship with blood kin. Gotta toss them ALL.

 

Mom's side of the family is so depressing and martyr complex, and Dad's side of the family is so nit-picky and hard-working and living for the bottom line. (Dad never managed to measure up; he's their thorn in the side, the black sheep of the family, which makes it all the harder for us because his family think they need to make sure we get the right training from them since Dad did such a piss poor job and mom wasn't worth the air she breathed.) And ALL--dad's and mom's sides of the family--are judgmental and self-righteous fundies. ALL of them consider it their sacred duty to set me right. They felt this way before and no doubt they still feel this way. They just use different techniques in doing it. The martyr type use manipulative guilt trips and other emotionally deceptive tactics and Dad's side just come right out and tell you what a low-down you really are and how you shame the entire clan.

 

This letter from dad's sister was a different tactic this time. No nit-picking, no judgmentalism, nothing overtly offensive. But then, my own sibs have shown me that they're simply lost when it comes to dealing with the atheist. They put on the "nice" face and it seems it's meant for one purpose only--to build rapport and gain the atheist's trust to the point where she will get drawn in emotionally so they can impose their power to convert. That's how my sibs did last spring over the funeral and I don't trust that my aunt isn't using the same tactics.

 

They don't know how to deal with an atheist but they do know to "love the sinner and hate the sin." "Loving the sinner" means to pretend the person is all nice, speak the sinner's language, apparently, and draw in the "sinner" until she trusts you, then when she's firmly within your domain: STRIKE!

 

I've been through the routine with various siblings. With them I know what I can say. We grew up together. We can mouth each other off and it will stay in the family more or less. And we understand each other if it doesn't. But with my parents' generation I'd have to meekly and respectfully suffer in silence, and give respectful answers if obligated to answer. Besides, I simply haven't got what it takes to go through this anymore even with my sibs.

 

I crumbled that letter for my aunt and put it in the garbage.

[mwc]

I crumbled that letter for my aunt and put it in the garbage.

It's probably for the better.

 

mwc

[Grandpa Harley]

Indeed... let em rot in their own cess pit of repression and guilt...

 

If you REALLY want to piss em off

 

Dear Aunt Sapphia, (or what ever her name is)

 

Good to hear you're all well.

 

All the Best

 

Ruby

 

and that's it

[mwc]

Oh, well, if she wants to write back and have some fun while doing it then she should plan an entire series of letters. The model is write in the bible of course: "The Prodigal RubySera." But instead of coming home at the end this prodigal gal ends up becoming quite happy and wonderful just as she's on the verge of giving into that temptation. No need to return home. What a happy ending! Depending on how the series is planned it could be hours of fun to implement. A little on the cruel side perhaps but if they wish to play games then "all's fair" I guess.

 

mwc

[Grandpa Harley]

I prefer the simple acknowledgement with no information... it pisses them off more...

[R. S. Martin]

I prefer the simple acknowledgement with no information... it pisses them off more...

 

I can't handle my family on good days. They have lots of pissed-off days. I moved out of their geographical area for a reason.

 

Just so you know....I am writing publicly about this stuff in the print media. Only I am writing it under a pen name: R. S. Martin.

 

I expect there to be a book one day. Whether the stores in horse and buggy country will carry it is an open question. A local lady wrote a book about Amish girls who left the Amish and married happily. She published it herself and was selling it in Mennonite heartland. Then it got pulled off the shelves. The horse and buggy Mennonites threatened to stop doing business if the stores carried that book. Those Amish girls were still Christian--probably Pentecostal, since that is what the author was.

 

Dear Aunt Sapphia, (or what ever her name is)

 

Good to hear you're all well.

 

All the Best

 

Ruby

 

Hey, that sounds like something funny enough to work. I might have tried it in my more naive days. By now I know it would backfire in some way or another. Might be some years down the road but it would come back to haunt me in a most uncharitable way.

 

Thanks for all these suggestions all the same. It helps me see how truly messed up and abusive these people are. The hate is real. They never make excuses for me like they do for each other. Instead, they invent reasons to attack me.

 

BTW, that name resembles hers so closely I nearly jumped out of my skin. Can't have the witch looking in on me. (No offense to anyone practicing witchcraft on a respectful level.) Oh the power of word association! She substituted in our school for a few weeks when I was in Grade 7 or 8 and she was such a hateful teacher that we and the neighbour's kids called her a witch when there were no adults around. Calling people names was strictly taboo. "Witch" was the worst possible name we could invent to call an adult we hated. We were taught very strictly--and lived up to it on pain of severe corporal punishment if caught lacking--to tell on each other. No one feared being tattled on for openly calling this woman a witch. It was BAD.

 

I have no desire to tangle with the spooks. I want to sleep at night.

 

PS That's one badly written post. Well, there's some really horrible feelings getting aired for the first time in ages.

[Kenny]

I've been keeping up with this post to see what the final answer would be. I'm torn. I'm not close to my immediate family much less extended family. I wish them no harm, but I certainly don't want or need them in my life and could care less what's going on in theirs. I know that sounds selfish, but one of the promises I made myself a year and a half ago was that if I didn't want to do something, I don't. Regardless if it's to save someone's feelings or to appear cordial or not. With that said, there are things I do that I don't enjoy by any means, but I do them because of the situation as a whole - one such example is still attending church with my wife and children. Yes, I hate it and it's a complete waste of my time, but it's something I can bear. It's a couple of hours out of my week. Work takes up much more than that and I drag myself there most days even though I enjoy my job. There's a measure of peace that I desire in my home and "bending" as I do greatly influences that.

 

From everything I've read, I'm of the opinion that there is no greater good you're hoping to achieve by staying in touch with your family. No love lost, as the saying goes. You don't care about them regardless of their feelings or intentions concerning you. I can identify with that. If you don't give a hoot in hell about them, toss the letter and go on. It's a blip on your radar screen. You're busy and happy and have a lot on your plate. Dump the letter and forget about it. It's just another transition among the many you've experienced and are yet to experience.

 

My two cents.

 

And, warmest wishes to you in all things!

[R. S. Martin]

Thank you Kenny. It's more complicated than that. I always get the impression they see me as the arrogant asshole and somehow I feel obligated to live that down. But I know it's mission impossible. No matter what I do or say, they will interpret it that way. Always have always will.

 

I can't help it if they choose to see me that way. It makes them feel a need to beat me into submission and control me. Naturally, this alienates me. I am human and have human feelings. If they fail to realize this--as they have most of my life--it's their loss. For the longest time they controlled me to a degree with guilt trips; mom was a pro. She's dead now. My aunt brought her into the picture, along with Dad. I'm sure I am expected to respond in some way. But I won't.

 

I barely remember the time that I attended family gatherings because I wanted to. I based my decisions on whether or not I could tolerate them. Kenny, I think your commitment to yourself is a wise decision.

 

It has occurred to me that anyone who judges people for cutting ties with family members should ask themselves how severely hurt a person must be to ever desire such a thing.

 

I am not sure I would even dare raising the question. It would be sure to bring a very billigerant and seriously defensive response, even if the family to whom it was addressed was not concerned.

 

Several years ago a lady urged me very strongly to go home for Easter. She assured me how very much it would mean for my mother. It made no sense. She did not ask how I felt about it.

 

Much later I found out that her own daughter had been estranged from her. Then I understood. I did not think it was fair of her to project her own sitution on me like that.

 

Thanks for watching this thread. In answer to your question, I'm not responding to my aunt's letter. She has disqualified herself for my friendship.