Something My Fundy Aunt Sent Me...

[twincats]

I got this in my inbox today from my fundy aunt. Sorry for the length, but I just don't know what to say about it except:

KEEP YER STUPID DONUT!!!

 

10 push ups for a Doughnut

 

There was a certain Professor of Religion named Dr. Christensen, a

studious man who taught at a small college in the western United

States . Dr. Christensen taught the required survey course in

Christianity at this particular Institution. Every student was

required to take this course his freshman year, regardless of his or her

major.

 

Although Dr. Christensen tried hard to communicate the essence of

the gospel in his class, he found that most of his students looked

upon the course as nothing but required drudgery. Despite his best

efforts, most students refused to take Christianity seriously.

This year, Dr. Christensen had a special student named Steve. Steve

was only a freshman, but was studying with the intent of going onto

seminary for the ministry. Steve was popular, he was well liked, and

he was an imposing physical specimen. He was now the starting center

on the school football team, and was the best student in the professor's

class.

 

 

One day, Dr. Christensen asked Steve to stay after class so he could

talk with him. 'How many push-ups can you do?' Steve said, 'I do

about 200 every night.'

'200? That's pretty good, Steve,' Dr. Christensen said. 'Do you

think you could do 300?'

Steve replied, 'I don't know... I've never done 300 at a time.'

 

'Do you think you could?' again asked Dr. Christensen.

 

'Well, I can try,' said Steve.

'Can you do 300 in sets of 10? I have a class project in mind and I

need you to do about 300 push-ups in sets of ten for this to work.

Can you do it? I need you to tell me you can do it,' said the professor.

Steve said, 'Well... I think I can...yeah, I can do it.'

Dr. Christensen said, 'Good! I need you to do this on Friday. Let me

explain what I have in mind.'

 

Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of the

room.

 

 

When class started, the professor pulled out a big box of donuts.

No, these weren't the normal kinds of donuts, they were the BIG,

extra fancy kind, with cream centers and frosting swirls. Everyone

was pretty excited it was Friday, the last class of the year, and

they were going to get an early start on the weekend with a party in

Dr. Christensen's class.

 

 

Dr. Christensen went to the first girl in the first row and asked,

'Cynthia, do you want to have one of these donuts?' Cynthia said, 'Yes.'

Dr. Christensen then turned to Steve and asked, 'Steve, would you do

ten push-ups so that Cynthia can have a donut?'

'Sure.' Steve jumped down from his desk to do a quick ten. Then

Steve again sat in his desk. Dr. Christensen put a donut on Cynthia's

desk.

 

 

Dr. Christensen then went to Joe, the next person, and asked, 'Joe,

do you want a donut?'

Joe said, 'Yes.'

Dr. Christensen asked, 'Steve would you do ten push- ups so Joe can

have a donut?'

Steve did ten push -ups! , Joe got a donut. And so it went, down the

first aisle, Steve did ten push-ups for every person before they got

their donut.

 

Walking down the second aisle, Dr. Christensen came to Scott. Scott

was on the basketball team, and in as good condition as Steve. He

was very popular and never lacking for female companionship. When

the professor asked, 'Scott do you want a donut?' Scott's reply was,

'Well, can I do my own push-ups?'

Dr. Christensen said, 'No, Steve has to do them.'

Then Scott said, 'Well, I don't want one then.'

 

 

Dr. Christensen shrugged and then turned to Steve and asked, 'Steve,

would you do ten push-ups so Scott can have a donut he doesn't

want?' With perfect obedience Steve started to do ten push-ups.

 

Scott said, 'HEY! I said I didn't want one!'

 

Dr. Christensen said, 'Look! This is my classroom, my class, my

desks, and these are my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you

don't want it.' And h e put a donut on Scott's desk.

 

Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little. He just

stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much effort to

be getting up and down. You could start to see a little perspiration

coming out around his brow.

 

 

Dr. Christensen started down the third row. Now the students were

beginning to get a little angry. Dr. Christensen asked Jenny,

'Jenny, do you want a donut?'

Sternly, Jenny said, 'No.' Then Dr. Christensen asked Steve, 'Steve,

would you do ten more push-ups so Jenny can have a donut that she

doesn't want?' Steve did ten....Jenny got a donut.

By now, a growing sense of uneasiness filled the room. The students

were beginning to say 'No' and there were all these uneaten donuts

on the desks.

 

 

Steve also had to really put forth a lot of extra effort to get

these push-ups done for each donut. There began to be a small pool

of sweat on the floor beneath his face, his arms and brow were

beginning to get red because of the physical effort involved.

Dr. Christensen asked Robert, who was the most vocal unbeliever in

the class, to watch Steve do each push up to make sure he did the

full ten push-ups in a set because he couldn't bear to watch all of

Steve's work for all of those uneaten donuts. He sent Robert over to

where Steve was so Robert could count the set and watch Steve closely.

Dr. Christensen started down the fourth row. During his class,

;however, some students from other classes had wandered in and sat

down on the steps along the radiators that ran down the sides of the

room. When the professor realized this, he did a quick count and saw

that now there were 34 students in the room! He started to worry if

Steve would be able to make it.

 

 

Dr. Christensen went on to the next person and the next and the

next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a rough

time. He was taking a lo t more time to complete each set. Steve

asked Dr Christensen, 'Do I have to make my nose touch on each one?'

 

Dr. Christensen thought for a moment, 'Well, they're your push-ups.

You are in charge now. You can do them any way that you want.' And

Dr. Christensen went on.

 

 

A few moments later, Jason, a recent transfer student, came to the

room and was about to come in when all the students yelled in one

voice, 'NO! Don't come in! Stay out!'

Jason didn't know what was going on. Steve picked up his head and

said, 'No, let him come.'

Professor Christensen said, 'You realize that if Jason comes in you

will have to do ten push-ups for him?'

Steve said, 'Yes, let him come in. Give him a donut.'

Dr. Christensen said, 'Okay, Steve, I'll let you get Jason's out of

the way right now. Jason, do you want a donut?'

Jason, new to the room, hardly knew what was going on. 'Yes,' he

said, 'give me a donut.'

 

'Steve, will you do ten push -ups so that Jason can have a donut?'

Steve did ten push-ups very slowly and with great effort. Jason,

bewildered, was handed a donut and sat down.

 

Dr. Christensen finished the fourth row, and then started on those

visitors seated by the heaters. Steve's arms were now shaking with

each push-up in a struggle to lift himself against the force of

gravity. By this time sweat was profusely dropping off of his face,

there was no sound except his heavy breathing; there was not a dry

eye in the room.

 

 

The very last two students in the room were two young women, both

cheer leaders, and very popular. Dr. Christensen went to Linda, the

second to last, and asked, 'Linda do you want a donut?'

Linda said, very sadly, 'No, thank you.'

 

Professor Christensen quietly asked, 'Steve, would you do ten

push-ups so that Linda can have a donut she doesn't want?' Grunting

from the effort, Steve did ten very slow push- ups for Linda.

Then Dr . Christensen turned to the last girl, Susan. 'Susan, do you

want a donut?'

Susan, with tears flowing down her face, began to cry. 'Dr.

Christensen, why can't I help him?'

 

Dr. Christensen, with tears of his own, said, 'No, Steve has to do

it alone. I have given him this task, and he is in charge of seeing

that everyone has an opportunity for a donut whether they want it or

not. When I decided to have a party this last day of class, I looked

at my grade book. Steve here is the only student with a perfect

grade. Everyone else has failed a test, skipped class, or offered me

inferior work.

 

 

Steve told me that in football practice, when a player messes up he

must do push-ups. I told Steve that none of you could come to my

party unless he paid the price by doing your pushups. He and I made

a deal for your sakes.'

 

 

'Steve, would you do ten push-ups so Susan can have a donut?' As

Steve very slowly finished his last push-up, wit h the understanding

that he had accomplished all that was required of him, having done

350 push- ups, his arms buckled beneath him and he fell to the floor.

 

 

Dr. Christensen turned to the room and said. 'And so it was, that

our Savior, Jesus Christ, on the cross, pled to the Father, 'Into

Thy hands I commend My spirit.' With the understanding that He had

done everything that was required of Him, He yielded up His life.

And like some of those in this room, many of us leave the gift on

the desk, uneaten.'

 

 

Two students helped Steve up off the floor and to a seat, physically

exhausted, but wearing a thin smile.

 

 

'Well done, good and faithful servant,' said the professor, adding

'Not all sermons are preached in words.'

 

 

Turning to his class, the professor said, 'My wish is that you might

understand and fully comprehend all the riches of grace and mercy

that have been given to you through the sacrifice of our Lord and

Savior Jesus Christ. He spared not His only Begotten Son, but gave

Him up for us all, for the whole Church, now and forever. Whether or

not we choose to accept His gift to us, the price has been paid.'

 

 

'Wouldn't you be foolish and ungrateful to leave it lying on the desk?'

[Ouroboros]

And then one of the students died from anaphylactic shock, because no one knew the donuts had been fried in peanut oil. And the other students got into the habit of buying and eating these delicious donuts and gained average 100 pounds each. Some of them died from obesity before they reached the age of 30.

 

Sense moral is that not everything that is given to you for free is good for you.

[par4dcourse]

OMG, that's the most amazing thing I've ever read!!! I think I'lll turn my life over to Jesus Right now!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

As fairy tales go, it's poorly written and boring.

[florduh]

I HATE getting those ridiculous e-mails!

 

Who asked for a donut in the first place? Nobody. The teacher (god) invented the whole unpleasant scenario. THAT's the moral to the story.

 

When I have time, and am in the mood, I fire back a rebuttal. Usually I just block the sender.

 

She deserves a rebuttal, I'd say. Then block her!

 

- Chris

[twincats]

And then one of the students died from anaphylactic shock, because no one knew the donuts had been fried in peanut oil. And the other students got into the habit of buying and eating these delicious donuts and gained average 100 pounds each. Some of them died from obesity before they reached the age of 30.

 

Sense moral is that not everything that is given to you for free is good for you.

 

I like the moral, but as a person who's been overweight for many years now, not so much the "dying from obesity" part. Especially since I'm in better health than my uncle who is a postal carrier with a BMI of 22, who walks a daily 4 mile route and who suffers from sky-high cholesterol and diabetes.

 

In any case, I wish I had the gumption to send that reply to auntie fundy, but long distance (CA to IA) drama is not what I'm after; I really just wanted to vent...

[twincats]

Who asked for a donut in the first place? Nobody. The teacher (god) invented the whole unpleasant scenario. THAT's the moral to the story.

 

- Chris

 

Oooh! LOOOVE that!!!

[Alice]

... not everything that is given to you for free is good for you.

 

so true.

[Deva]

What an (unsuccessful) guilt-inducing piece of crap. Actually not a bad illustration of the situation as set up in the Babble. Makes me so glad NOT to be a xtian.

 

God can take his "gift" and shove it.

[Guest eejay]

I knew exactly where this story was going, pretty early into it. I get my share of BS emails like that and I oftentime delete them immediately. I don't know how your present relationship with your aunt is, so I couldn't possibly advise you. If the emails you get from her are only sporadic, I suppose just deleting and forgetting about it coud be enough. If she is constantly sending you religious crap, and it is becoming real annoying, well maybe you need to stand your ground and tell her how you feel about it. Does she know you're an unbeliever...and just trying to save your soul? Or does she send these emails to everybody on her mailing list?

[twincats]

My aunt doesn't know about my apostasy. No one on my side of the family does. The really ironic thing is that I was Wiccan for a while after leaving xtianity and when I told my pagan friends and family I went agnostic, they all wished me well!

 

Telling the xtian faction would not go over well at all, so I let them think I'm still marginally xtian. Most of my relatives are older and also mostly live in Iowa. I love them all dearly (even auntie fundy) so I stay closeted to them because I don't want to get everyone upset. I actually think my dad would be okay with it, but I also think he'd forget and let it slip to the folks in Iowa.

 

I generally just delete her religious stuff, but this was something I had never seen before!

[Ouroboros]

Actually the real moral of the story is that, if I become Christian again, I expect to get 300 donuts from God, miraculously, or I deconvert again.

[florduh]

OK. Who's going for donuts? I got the coffee ready.

[upstarter]

That was painful and BORING, and like eejay I saw the moral coming from a mile away! And I so agree, no on asked for the FUCKING DONUTS in the first place!!! In fact half of them didn't want them! I don't know about you, but I could easily live my life without donuts, spiritual ones or otherwise. This story is sorely lacking in the emotional manipulation department.

 

Who writes this shit???

 

Heather

[Mandatory Chaos]

Wow, reading this made me realize even more just how ridiculous the whole jesus story is. The characters in this are not believable at all.

[mwc]

I've seen this before.

 

I'd like a dozen donuts...a bakers dozen.

 

The real "moral" is that each xian "convert" is a painful experience for old jesus so people should not convert (or is the person coming into the room a newborn so abortions are the key here?). Surely omniscience would take the guesswork out of the equation and omnipotence would remove the effort. I would imagine the "suffering" on the cross would be the same for one convert or a hundred trillion but I don't know the donut conversion ratio for these things.

 

But I'd still like my bakers dozen (and make it a good mix...I don't want a box of the same old shit).

 

mwc

[Guest eejay]

The story itself most likely never happened....or it would have made some kind of national news for sure. Who writes these pieces of shit....I really don't know. Obviously someone who'd like to try to convince us that we absolutely need jesus, and they really must believe we'll be touchd by a story like this. this story gets my ultimate stamp of disapproval.

[Ro-bear]

Well, let's see: the professor is an asshole for setting this shit up. He didn't need to give the party, so he could have spared the jock his pains. If the prof had no party, no one would know the difference, since he is an asshole and no one was likely to have expected one.

 

The author thinks God is an asshole.

 

The author thinks salvation is like a donut you don't eat. I'm unaware of any donut for which the failure to consume leads to eternal perdition. Must be a hell of a donut.

 

The author apparently thinks that not getting a party is like eternal torture. I've been to some damn good parties, but I've missed some, too. I'm O.K. with that as long as no one casts me into, say, a lake of fire for my failure to attend.

 

The author approves of a teacher abusing the best student in the class to make a point to the others. In my school, the kids aren't that stupid; they would see what happens to the perfect student and say, "Fuck that!"

 

If somebody sends me an email like this, they get one from me that says, "Stop sending me stupid shit!"

[I Broke Free]

As usual no one pays attention to the puppet master, Mr. Christensen who just happens to be playing god. He set up the rules that everyone either found offensive, physically harmful, or stupid. He was the one that offered something of dubious value in lieu of torment. What a crock! Yes Mr. Christensen did find a way to convey the message of the bible and it is just as awful as ever.

[Neon Genesis]

This story makes no sense whatsoever. First of all, why is this professor abusing his religion class to force his personal beliefs down his students' throats? Unless this is supposed to be a private Christian university, that's a clear violation of separation of church and state. But then the story would make even less sense if it was a private school. I mean, if it was a private Christian school, why would the professor need to preach the story of the crucifixion to his students if the majority of the class is already Christian? If this was a real world story, the ACLU would be all over this guy's ass. Second, what gives this asshole professor the right to take away his students' free will and emotionally abuse and manipulate the students like that just because he failed to make his class interesting? If he can't get his class interested in the subject he's teaching that they chose to take, then it's nobody's fault but his own for clearly being an inadequate teacher. If the professor represents God, then is the email suggesting that God is an inadequate teacher? And third, who the hell comes up with these names? Dr. Christensen? Isn't that a bit obvious?

[R. S. Martin]

And third, who the hell comes up with these names? Dr. Christensen? Isn't that a bit obvious?

 

I suspect the author is using Pilgrim's Progress as a model. In Pilgrim's Progress, names are chosen to show the character of the person. So yes, it's really obvious, for obvious reasons.

 

Ro-Bear said:

 

The author approves of a teacher abusing the best student in the class to make a point to the others. In my school, the kids aren't that stupid; they would see what happens to the perfect student and say, "Fuck that!"

 

Somehow, it makes me feel good to know someone believes in kids.

 

I agree that story is just plain sick.

 

This story makes no sense whatsoever. First of all, why is this professor abusing his religion class to force his personal beliefs down his students' throats? Unless this is supposed to be a private Christian university, that's a clear violation of separation of church and state. But then the story would make even less sense if it was a private school. I mean, if it was a private Christian school, why would the professor need to preach the story of the crucifixion to his students if the majority of the class is already Christian? If this was a real world story, the ACLU would be all over this guy's ass. Second, what gives this asshole professor the right to take away his students' free will and emotionally abuse and manipulate the students like that just because he failed to make his class interesting? If he can't get his class interested in the subject he's teaching that they chose to take, then it's nobody's fault but his own for clearly being an inadequate teacher. If the professor represents God, then is the email suggesting that God is an inadequate teacher? And third, who the hell comes up with these names? Dr. Christensen? Isn't that a bit obvious?

 

Neon, to answer a few of your questions, the OP says it was "a small college in the western United States" and that "Every student was

required to take this course his freshman year, regardless of his or her

major." I guess they didn't necessarily choose to take it. That, however, does not justify abusing the best student. Nor does it justify pushing religion, supposing the school was inside the law to begin with. This is just a made-up story to push an imaginary moral so they can make it however they want it. It was probably written by Christians for Christians. It was hardly meant to be dissected (ripped to shreds and mocked? thrown to the pigs?) on an exChristian forum.

 

This is the kind of back-patting these Christians do but they call it "encouraging each other in the faith." "Edifying" is a rather official sounding word they like to use for this kind of thing. Of course, if the fundies knew that it got posted on an exC site (but did not know how it got treated) they would probably feel so gratified with the marvelous ways of the Spirit's workings because they would be so sure that no self-respecting and sensitive human could reject such a touching story--just look at how much Steve loved his classmates, what he would do so all of them could have a big fancy donut.

 

I struggle with understanding these contrasting world views that are so incompatible yet live side by side in the same world. The author of that piece would probably not tolerate such behaviour in any other situation, but for a story for this purpose, somehow it seems justified. What if some nut goes and literally applies it in a real life situation? Isn't that what leads to such outrageous crimes as the negligence that allows a child to die rather than get a doctor for treatable illness?

[godlessgrrl]

On the very rare occasions when I get electronic spew such as the above story, I tend to look for it on Snopes.com, and then send a Snopes link back to whoever sent me the damn crap in the first place. The glurge section is especially useful for these religious missives. There's even a discussion on Snopes' forums about this very tale here: Donut on Your Desk

 

As others have already pointed out, though, in this story, the prof is a major asshole for setting the whole thing up. I would like to add that Steve appears to be a mindless, doing-good tool as well, seeing that he's willing to do the teacher's bidding without question (and his academic perfection is rubbed in everybody's nose at the end of the story). Plus the kids in the room don't seem to have had much initiative either - how come none of them got up and left in protest when they figured out what was going on?

 

Trying to give someone something they don't want is a violation of a person's autonomy and personal space anyway. Think of what this story would mean if the prof used sex instead of donuts:

 

"Jimmy, would you like some sex? No? Okay. Steve, do 10 push-ups so I can go jizz on Jimmy's desk. It's okay, Jimmy, you can just leave it on the desk if you don't want it."

 

"Susan, would you like some sex? Yes? Okay. Steve, do 10 push-ups while I bang Susan. By the way Susan, this won't get you a perfect grade like Steve has."

 

Fucking pervy professor.

[mwc]

"Jimmy, would you like some sex? No? Okay. Steve, do 10 push-ups so I can go jizz on Jimmy's desk. It's okay, Jimmy, you can just leave it on the desk if you don't want it."

When you put it that way I don't think I want my baker's dozen anymore.

 

mwc

[Trev]

Must be a hell of a donut.

 

pmsl