Guest BSintolerant Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 Iv'e been free from christianity for about 2 years now...but...my husband has held on ruthlessly. He has stopped going to church, among other things. But he refuses to engage in any conversation that is critical of chrisitianity. What I wanna know is HOW this has affected others in this position. Me and my hubby used to be best friends, but now I am seen as a traitor. It really pisses me off. Even though I am free of this religion, it has my husband hostage. Any advice???? I am desperate to get my hubby back . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woodsmoke Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 I'm not married and have no real intention of changing that, but I'll throw my hat into the ring. The short answer: You can't. The slightly more involved explanation: Your husband is his own person just like you. If he ever decides to forsake his faith and leave Christianity, it will have to be his own decision, and there's nothing you can do to start or accelerate that process. In fact, I daresay any attempts at "anti-prostelyzation" are far more likely to have the opposite result of motivating him to dig in his heels and resist all the more. I feel for you, and hope your situation changes for the better somehow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BSintolerant Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 OOps I already posted this on the rant page, but then I realized it might be better suited for this area. I decoverted 2 years ago, but my hubby has not recieved it well. He no longer goes to church, but we often have blow outs about this subject. We used to be very close.. I feel like he is being held hostage by these idea's. Any advice? I really want my hubby back. We were together for a couple of years before we married then 1 day after we were married we decided to go to church, and he loved it and signed up for membership right away (Independant, fundamental, King James Only Baptist church). We knew eachother really well BEFORE all this brainwashing. I am so sad. I feel like he is choosing an imaginary person over me..What do I do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoustonHorn Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 I think the best thing you can do, and it's the path I'm taking with my still-Christian wife, is to be the same person you were before you deconverted. Don't become the stereotype that Christians portray non-Christians as. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MonolithTMA Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 I de-converted right in front of my fiance and pretty much everyone I know. My fiance is a liberal Catholic and pretty much a pluralist, and she knows I am the same person she fell in love with. I don't care if my fiance de-converts or not. I do hope your hubby comes around and accepts you for who you are, even if he doesn't de-convert. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 I think a pesron can certainly influence another one. But to think that deconversion comes about as anything other than something that person alone does for themselves is a mistake in my opinion. Here are my suggestions. Give them plenty of space and live your life well, demonstating the obvious fact that a person can be free of religion and still be good. Cultivate your own life and give them the space to do the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 I posted in the other thread, but I will do it again. You can influence another person, but you can't make them deconvert. Only they can do that. My suggestion is to cultivate your own life and give them the space to do the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellsybop Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 My husband deconverted me. I started out christian and ended up a deist. I'm so thankful to be done with the religious crap. I owe my sanity to my hubby. But with you, I'd be willing to bet that your husband holds on to religious beliefs from fear. It has to come in his own time. I think about it like this..... If I were obese and my husband kept telling me that I needed to lose weight, I'd be apt to do just the opposite. If I chose to lose weight on my own, I'm at peace with that. I wish you the best. Lead by example... don't push. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Manditag in AK Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 What helped my husband and I after he converted and before I did, was to NOT talk about the religion issue while pursuing other new things that we did enjoy together. I don't know what that might be in your case, since I haven't read your other rant, but that would be my second suggestion. My first would be to respect each other, care for each other as people first. It's hard, I struggled with it a lot, but I did try it and it did help when I succeeded. Maybe it would help if you tried something I read about. Sometimes relationship stress can be eased just by being nonjudgementally heard. Would it be possible to set up a time, where for 15 or 30 minutes one of you talks, the other is not allowed to interrupt, nor are they allowed to bring up anything said afterward. But for some couples taking turns doing that really helps understanding and trust grow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gabby Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 I feel for you....here is my two cents from the other side of the coin. My hubby and I have known each other for about 10 years now and I went through a period of rabid proselytizing when I got involved with a "holiness" church. We weren't married at the time and I believed that I could never marry a non-xtian or I would somehow be punished. Frankly, the church dis-fellowshipped me for "choosing a man over God". Well guess what... I finally looked up and realized that while the church claimed to love me unconditionally, they abandoned me, yet my hubby who has no set religion was still there for me despite my being a totally obnoxious zelot. There is hope! On the other hand, I still get really touchy about religious stuff so we pretty much refrain from religious debates...Best of luck to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jubilant Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 I echo the sentiments of not pushing and I speak from experience. My dh and I were technically Christians when we dated, lived together in sin, and throughout our first 8 years of marriage before we started going to church. Poor guy, I went from easy going to a religious bible thumping nutcase. Anyway, a few years later when our marriage almost ended in divorce because I was worried about DH leading our children on a path to hell, I finally became clear-headed and left the faith. Dh was still a Christian and it was not that he was worried about me deconverting but frankly, he was sick of hearing about God one way or the other. I laid off and was just me. I had Thomas Paines book, The Age of Reason, lying on the bookshelf for two years before my hubby picked it up...he is now an atheist too. Our children deconverted as soon as I did when I told them why I did not believe anymore and our son especially was relieved! :-) Give him time. Are you still in love with him? If so, just show him. Leave him alone and whether he deconverts or not, his love will be for the woman you are...regardless of whether you believe or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SWIM Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 Some people are just too scared and closed minded to reach. My wife is one of those people. You just can't do it, the trama of deconverting for a closed minded person is just too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hereticzero Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 There is no method for deconverting someone. Some people use intensive mind reprogramming to break free of cults but the press reserves the hoorahs for those leaving a cult and returning to christianity ... You honestly cannot deconvert anyone that does not want to leave. They have to find within themselves the determination to leave. They also have to recognize the falseness of the religion. The more people try to convince them otherwise, the more it becomes ingrained in their heads how persecuted for god they are and it just drives them further and further into the church. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amethyst Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 I agree with the others. You cannot force people to deconvert. I personally think that's just as bad as them trying to get us to convert. Tolerance goes both ways. We cannot expect our family members to be tolerant to us without being tolerant of them too. Also, generally pushing people to deconvert has the opposite effect, just as them pushing us to reconvert does too. It usually turns people off when you tell them they can't hold onto their beliefs or that their beliefs are stupid, and they'll just hang onto their beliefs even more. They have to start the process of questioning on their own and do their own research. You can help them when they start it, but until they do, they're not likely to listen to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amethyst Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 P. S. I'm going to try merging this with the Ex-C life topic. You really should only be posting the same thread in one forum. And I agree with you that it's better here. Yay, it worked! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mick Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 I feel for you. I have been free for 2 years as well. Unfortunately my wife has counter reactied by going extreme fundy to the point of being addicted to the whole health and wealth movement. We are some estranged, though still loving each other. It sucks that you can't be best friends anymore. My hope is that both our spouses could deconvert, WITHOUT, getting to the point where they would want to jettison us. Christianity sucks the big one. Iv'e been free from christianity for about 2 years now...but...my husband has held on ruthlessly. He has stopped going to church, among other things. But he refuses to engage in any conversation that is critical of chrisitianity. What I wanna know is HOW this has affected others in this position. Me and my hubby used to be best friends, but now I am seen as a traitor. It really pisses me off. Even though I am free of this religion, it has my husband hostage. Any advice???? I am desperate to get my hubby back . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Japedo Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 Iv'e been free from christianity for about 2 years now...but...my husband has held on ruthlessly. He has stopped going to church, among other things. But he refuses to engage in any conversation that is critical of chrisitianity. What I wanna know is HOW this has affected others in this position. Me and my hubby used to be best friends, but now I am seen as a traitor. It really pisses me off. Even though I am free of this religion, it has my husband hostage. Any advice???? I am desperate to get my hubby back . You have been given some pretty sound advice from the other commenter's. I wish my entire family would break free from the oppression of dogma, and they (for the most part) wish I would return to the fold. Religion has controlled my life and emotions for so long, I refuse to push family away or out and give any more power to the cult. Truth be told, I have my path they have theirs. Not everyone needs to agree to love and support each other. My husband is also a Christian. I accept and respect his right to believe and soul search so long as he isn't pushing his dogma on me. All 4 of my kids are self admitted Atheists or Agnostics, The topic comes up every now and again. Both of us (My husband and I) are strong on our positions, neither will compromise about the topic of the existence of the Christian god. He hears my arguments against hell, the dogma and the like and will concede they are good arguments, I'm sorry to say I don't award him the same compliment, But............! I will when I hear one. We have a pretty healthy marriage, once you get to the point were you accept each other for your differences things will be better. I have a pretty fantastic husband, I hope one day he lets go of the fear of hell that controls him. He has been supportive of me even when he couldn't understand what I was going thru. I try to do the same. It's a huge give and take.. My Marriage is more important then some non-nonexistent deity. Agree to disagree and only discuss it when he brings it up. He has his Xtian books, I have my deprogramming ones. What helps me at least is to remember how much the fear of Hell, and rejecting god used to consume me. It is also hard for family members to accept someone's "choice" (as they see it) to reject Christ and risk Hell. Remember they love you and fear of these things is very powerful. Also many denominations also paint non-believers as the spawn of Satan, this is another shock to their emotional system and won't compute. They know you and know you're not evil. It takes time, probably twice as long as it took to you find your truth. Now if you're berated and so forth that's a whole 'nother ball of wax. Stand up for yourself, don't allow anyone to beat you down emotionally or bully you back to the pews. Be strong and confidant!! I realize what works for me might not work for you, I wish you the best of luck in this most difficult quagmire. Lastly, Welcome to EX-C!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Broken Hearted Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 I thought I might toss a few tidbits in. You pointed out to me in the other forum that "atleast I had my hubby". I thanked you for that. I needed it said... My Hubby de-converted me. He started with the bible. The x-tians say it is "innerrant" and that "all scripture is god breathed". Well when that starts to unravel there is nothing left to base your faith on. I agree with the others that you cant force him to de-convert but there may come a time when you can show him that all he is basing his faith on is false then he may wake up. Fear is keeping him there. Fear of death,judgement,loss of hope etc... I was ready to leave my hubby and take the kids with me. He told me I was all he had because now he had no god. He is not an emtional person and he broke down in front of me. He sent me to wikipedia and said look up the history of the gospels. Hang in there. Do what the others said. He is being told that you are lost and destined for hell. It is hard to counteract that. Show him you love him and respect his choice. He will notice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kozimoto Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 If he is not going to church anymore, then the process is probably already begun. Patience and a few well-timed comments might do much. I second the idea of finding a new joint hobby for you both - like maybe a sport or a club, where you can begin to feel connected again. My husband is still going to church, and is not open with me about it. That hurts a bit, but at the same time, b/c I know him, I suspect he doesn't share because he doesn't think it is important (ie he isn't really getting anything life-altering from church). His mother's unbelievably crazy behaviour towards me has done more to de-convert him that I could have hoped for! Lol! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted March 31, 2008 Super Moderator Share Posted March 31, 2008 If he's not actively trying to re-convert you, or dragging you to religious events, just let it be. The mistake Christians make is believing that everyone should think and believe as they do. Probably without constant reinforcement from religious group interaction, his head will eventually clear. - Chris Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazycanuck Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 Whoa, I could have written Madame M's post myself. Exact same situation here! Dh still calls himself a christian, but has freely admitted there is much to question in the bible, and I think that he is slowly seeing that to just turn around and squash your logic and "have faith" in the face of all the absurdity is just not the solution either. I think he cannot accept just walking away yet, due to various fears. I see in him where I was say 3-5 yrs ago. I have recently "officially" declared myself deconverted, and have told him (he suspected it) and have not told my/his family, or the "cell group" that I go to (we both don't go to church but occasionally attend this small bible study, I work as an RN so have many a Fri night working that is a good excuse not to go, hell I even took an extra shift so I did not have to go to dinner for easter with this fundy-legalistic-mennonite family, LOL!). I am still working on overcoming the fear of telling his family/our cell group. Anyhoo, I agree with other posters that it is best to lay low for a while. I too share things I have learned. I am reading Dawkins The God Delusion right now, and I think he has thumbed through it. I try to think of my parents...my mom was (still is) one of those fundy christians several years before my dad. I remember how he was so offended when she constantly preached at him and it didn't help him convert any faster...when she backed off he was more receptive (as delusional as I think their thinking is now). I think it actually goes both ways...I try to not "blast" dh with my new ideas! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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