5 Years of Hell

[spidermonkey]

This is my ex-testimony, which has been posted and re-posted a bunch of times. Bear with me if you have already seen it.

 

I wrote this back in 2002 when I first found this site, with some additions / modifications over time. Now that I have been out of the faith almost as long as I was in it to begin with, I will be updating on my apostasy progress in the near future.

 

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Long, rambling, un-PC, and extraordinarily snarky, but hopefully worth the read.

 

The drama started in 1995, when I was 13. My father had "found the lord" that summer when I was staying with my grandparents. Being the naïve, sheltered child that I was, I had squashed out my initial doubts and began believing the xian propaganda about the loving biblegod and his abilities to change people. Before the saga began, I had had limited experience with the Southern Baptists during vacation buybull school. I was a loner, an outcast among my peers, and I wasn't getting along with my parents. During this time in my life, I was often suicidal and depressed. I was happy that I would finally become part of a loving church family….

 

Was I ever wrong.

 

I had the feeling that something was wrong early on. I was expecting a miracle to transform the short-temper and impatience of my father. Instead, he became more punitive, arrogant, and hypocritical. My brother and I were forced to go to Sunday morning worship, Sunday night indoctrination sessions (excuse me, "Sunday school") and Wednesday night youth group. As before his conversion, I was never good enough for him, no matter what I did. He expected my brother and me to act like perfect xians, and when we didn't, we were punished. Once, I attempted to ask him a question, and he barked, "Can't you see I'm praying?!" I left the room in tears; this was not the behavior that I expected from someone who claimed to be a loving xian and from someone who was admired by his entire church. At the same time he became more obnoxious at home, he grew to be more respected by the church…strange. This trend continues to this day.

 

My father was not the only hypocrite who discouraged me from the church. My brother and I were members of the youth group, and I remember leaving my first youth group meeting on the verge of tears because I felt that the members were not friendly or genuine. Liquid nitrogen was warmer than the patronizing welcome I received. My first impression was correct. I encountered the same puerile annoyances that gave me heartburn in school (cliques, gossip, popularity contests, etc.) time after miserable time again, but my father, who vociferously denounced childish traits in my brother and me and found flaws in us that no one else could see, simply dismissed their annoying behavior with the ever-so-invalidating "They're just teeeeeeeeeenagers." I

 

always felt excluded and unloved, and these feelings were amplified by the fact that the youth pastors we had were barely older than the youth group members (one was 23, the next was 27) and had not fully outgrown high-school immaturity (they encouraged it in a few occasions). Incidentally, both pastors left under shady circumstances and used the trite claim that it was "god's holey will." I digress. Whenever I tried to tell anyone about how I felt concerning the youth group, I got the same patronizing old "They're just teeeeeeeeeenagers. No one is puuuuuurfect, you know." Apparently some teenagers are less deserving of respect than others, and I was one of the undeserving few.

 

These people were selfish and callous. I was told by one boy that he didn't want to date me because he wanted "a closer walk with god" only to see him two weeks later with another - more popular - girl hanging all over him like a maggot on shit. I found out at a "foot-washing service" (Pentecostal fanatics, foot-fetishists extraordinaire, love those things) that people were talking trash about me behind my back and that no one was trying to stop the gossip. I quote, "Will you forgive me for not standing up for you when people talk about you behind your back?" Of course, telling people how I felt got me nothing except "pray about it and gawd will heal you/ People aren't perfect; only gawd is perfect"-type tripe. To them, I was a fat, ugly, geeky bitch troll with a horrible personality, and nothing I did helped me. During my junior year of high school, I began seeing a psychiatrist -if my school and church peers all thought I was weird, didn't that mean I really and truly was weird? I wanted to medicate all of that "strangeness" away….after all, it was my big bad attitude that alienated all of the sweet, loving church folk and my loneliness was all my fault.

 

If buybull-god was so loving and caring, why did I feel so hated and ignored when I was with his people? I never got a sincere answer to this question in the five years I attended the cult.

 

I desperately tried to fit. I sang the songs, I worshiped, I attended youth events outside of church, and at one point, I considered myself "saved." No matter how I tried, I just never felt good enough! I was ignored by my church peers except to be teased and backstabbed. I had few "friends," and I sat alone during most services. The adults didn't care about how I felt, and at one point, I was accused of whining just to get attention. During a New Year's Eve bowling party, the pastor's busybody of a wife once chased me into a public restroom (I had gone there to cry in peace) and YELLED at me about how selfish I was being (I was upset about feeling excluded by my peers) and other bowling alley patrons were in there. This is the same cuntrag that had said several hurtful things to me previously, with the obligatory lame pleas for forgiveness shortly afterward. I was mortified and angry.

 

What was my response to all of this nonsense? I delved further into spirituality. At this point (between the ages of 14-16) I believed that my problems at church were caused by my lack of faithfulness, and that god was punishing me with loneliness. I began pressing further into the faith, because I honestly believed that if I became more like god, I would please my father, make friends at church, and fit in at school. When I began college at 17, I wanted to "make a difference for jaysus." I hyped up the spirituality and joined a group of "teenagers on fire for god." During the summer before I started college, I began attending church 4 times a week, singing in the church choir, attending both Sunday morning services, playing in the worship band, participating in a college xian group, and spending more time with xians. I also sat on my plump rump that whole summer, without a job (hindsight: forgoing at least $2000), so I could spend the time getting closer to god. Because I was taking all of that "evangelize or burn" rhetoric seriously, I began spreading the word everywhere I could - at one point, I gave a speech in my college freshman speech class about the benefits of prayer in schools.

 

Fall semester of 1999 -- my first semester of college -- was when I approached the breaking point. One of my classmates (and his friends) in the aforementioned speech class enjoyed teasing me, especially when I was trying to give speeches. Looking back, this teasing was a direct consequence of my speech supporting prayer. My father was still a hypocrite, youth group still reeked of childish behavior, and the adults were still insensitive - and on top of this, the teasing began in a place where I never thought it would happen. I had always shied away from evangelizing because I predicted that I would be ridiculed; this particular church believes that the lack of religious persecution signals a lack of faith. I never imagined that this hostility from church outsiders would feel so bad!

 

I became despondent. I had done everything that church told me to do, but I didn't fit in with my family, my church, or with the "sinning world." My attempts to help the church resulted in reprimands instead of gratitude. On one occasion, some of the choir members requested that I call my father and ask him if he could videotape the xmas musical performance. I happily obliged, promptly calling Dad at home, but when I attempted to inform the demanding cult members of his reply (with the phone still in my hand), they picked at me for stretching the phone cord too far. I would leave the church crying so hard that I couldn't see while driving, and I began experiencing blackouts -I began abusing mood stabilizers and antidepressants in an effort to make myself "normal" like the other church people. In addition to the depression that had plagued me on and off throughout the years, I began feeling a sick, heavy sense of despair and the nagging suspicion that no one would ever truly love and accept me, not even biblegod. Despite my desperate attempts to self-medicate my colorful personality into oblivion, at times I would scream and cry about how I wanted to die because my life was so miserable. One wonders if I did, indeed, suffer a nervous breakdown after the conclusion of that semester.

 

Nearly a year passed. It was September of 2000. I continued to throw myself into church-related activities but still felt the gut ache of loneliness when I was at church. At this point, I was no longer required to go to church by my father. I felt that I had to endure the church's abuse in order to become godly, hence my extended participation in the cult. I thought that becoming a member of the church would improve my relations with other churchgoers, and I signed up for the church membership class. Incidentally, I met my current boyfriend in September of that year completely by chance. Boytoy (name changed to protect the innocent), a fellow student at my university, happened to be Catholic; however, pentecultalism preaches a strong "Catholics aren't spiritual enough" sentiment. At this point, I had known him for about a week and was still in the "infatuation" stage. I told my (FORMER) church friends, a married couple to be specific, about him and shared all of his good traits; however, they sat there slack-jawed throughout my description, and the only question that they could ask me was "Well, is he saaaaaved?" Since he was Catholic, I didn't know how to respond….if these pentecostals disliked Catholics so much, how would they view his faith? I hastily answered "No." This "friend" proceeded to patronize me, telling me that I should follow the bible - apparently he thought I was cattle, because he went on and on ad nauseum about being "unequally yoked." Wifeypoo sat there in proper stepfordized fundysheep fashion, not wanting to offend the almighty bearer of the holy Y chromosome. I thought that his response was inappropriate - all of the church guys I had dated were losers, so I finally met a good man, but the church people offered me bitchiness instead of congratulations. I was quickly growing tired of the intolerance, dogmatism, and closed-mindedness exhibited by "loving" xians….not to mention the church politics, popularity contests and other malarkey that was becoming more apparent with each service I attended. I felt betrayed and cheated. Like so many times before, I departed from xian comradeship in tears.

 

Around the same time that this lovely little exchange occurred, I performed in a small, amateurish praise and worship session in my university's student center plaza. I had signed up to take part in this musical brainwashing session about two months prior to the performance. Boy and I were still getting to know one another at the time of the performance and I was still in the extreme self-consciousness phase. (Fortunately he never saw me there that day!) The entire time I was playing the keyboard and singing, I was consumed with self-consciousness and a sense of rage that I hadn't felt before. I was sick of going through the motions of xianity just to feel like a fool, and I was tired of risking ridicule for the sake of the gospel. I had done everything the church and the buybull told me to do and all I had to show for it was five years of pain and degradation. Words could not express my sense of shame.

 

I began tearing myself away from the church shortly thereafter, attending church every few weeks (only on Sundays) and ditching all of the other activities. It was difficult because, although these people were abusive, I didn't have anyone else in my life besides my family and my boyfriend, and I wasn't getting along with anyone in my family at the time.

 

Around the following January/ February, after the initial emotional turmoil cooled off, I began to observe logic flaws in xianity and pentecultalism, and I began to remember previous logic fallacies that I had encountered previously but had justified away with typical xian apologeticrap. Contrary to what some in my family may believe, I did not leave the church for a man. The "inerrant and inspired" buybull was exactly that - BULL. (So many errors, so little time…) In addition, I never received "straight answers" when I questioned any aspect of xianity -- ranging from biblical errors to church gossip. pentecostal doctrine and ideals and church behaviors and attitudes differed from one another in incriminating ways. Often the doctrine paid lip service to different things (e.g., gender equality) but lip service was as far as it got. They went on and on about how being single is a blessing and how some people travel the world for jayzus, but they had subtle prejudices against those who were unmarried and/or without children. Even at the age of eighteen, I felt the strong pressure to get married and have children, and I saw the biases against those who chose not to get married and have 2.5 kids/ a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence/ a shiny new SUV/ what have you.

 

Sermons were based on emotionalism, twisted facts, and extremely biased opinions…reminding me all too much of what I had learned about Hitler and his propaganda. Uninformed, unresearched claptrap, such as the notion that the "terrible twos" is a product of the sinful nature showing itself, was passed off as truth. In the five years that my ears were bombarded with statistics and information on parenting, abortion, schools, etc., I do not remember the pastor crediting any reliable sources with supplying the information.

 

These aspects of the church had bothered me before, but now I was seeing them with completely new eyes. All of the anger that had been building up over the last five years finally boiled over due to my new realizations. I destroyed my "study bible" enhanced specifically for pentecostals, quit praying, threw away my numerous prayer journals, and stopped attending church altogether. I managed to cut 99.9% of the church people out of my life (save Daddie Dearest and a few others), a pursuit aided by the strange willingness of god's "unconditionally loving" followers to ditch me.

 

Contrary to the bleatings of church sheep, it was not easy to "walk away," as they put it -- Hobbling away with a boot up my ass was more like it. I'll spare the gory details, but my entire life was turned on its ear, and it took a while for normalcy to return. Hell, to this day, I don't even know if normalcy has returned, but oh well…

 

I left the fundycult approximately two years ago. I rejected all faith in god and proclaimed myself atheist and anti-xian! I oppose organized religion, especially fundamentalism, with the same passion with which I once served an imaginary deity. Although the abrasive tone of this apostasy story may indicate otherwise, life is getting better and I'm pleased with the progress I've made thus far.

 

I Became a Christian at age 13

I Ceased being a Chrisitan at about 18

I am a female from Ohio, USA

My past label was Assemblies of God/ Pentecostal ::shudders::.

Why I Joined Christianity? Family coercion

Why I Left? A long story....

[bluewizard]

This is my ex-testimony, which has been posted and re-posted a bunch of times.  Bear with me if you have already seen it.

 

I wrote this

 

...snipped

 

ostasy story may indicate otherwise, life is getting better and I'm pleased with the progress I've made thus far.

 

I Became a Christian at age 13

I Ceased being a Chrisitan at about 18

I am a female from Ohio, USA

My past label was Assemblies of God/ Pentecostal ::shudders::.

Why I Joined Christianity? Family coercion

Why I Left? A long story....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I have been an atheist since February of this year and still have to go to a Southern Baptist church once a week.Even when I believed I didn't like doing Christian events, they sucked. I never joined the chruch even when I believed cause I didn't like christianity, even if I went to Hell for it, so be it. I got interested in the other 2 religions at a young age and wanted to be a Muslim or a Jew. At 1 time I didn't be a church member cause I wanted to be Catholic. I still cope with it a little bit but I'm better than I was. Did you cancel your church membership? Is it possible to do that?

[Loren]

Thank you for reposting your story, SM. I know it's been up and lost several times and it can get frustrating, but every person's story could be the very one that helps someone out of the cult. Thanks again for being persistent in keeping it posted.

 

Loren

[Darkenmoon]

Did you cancel your church membership? Is it possible to do that?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

I was a member of a Baptist church. I told them to take me off all their mailing/emailing lists and to quit calling me and to quit trying to solicit money. I asked them nicely but it took a few tries to get it done. I don't care if they still think I'm a member... I just didn't want their junk mail. For some though I imagine it is part of healing to get your name off the lists. I hate that for some people who were say Mormon, it can be or at least feel near impossible to get off their membership lists.

[Amethyst]

Did you cancel your church membership? Is it possible to do that?

 

Just stop going and don't respond to any phone calls/e-mailings from them.

[spamandham]

Ok spidey, I've read your anti-mony a couple of times now, but you never explain your obsession with Bettie Page.

[thomas]

This is my ex-testimony, which has been posted and re-posted a bunch of times.  Bear with me if you have already seen it.

 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

Thanks for resposting.

 

I have also been a pentecostal christian, and it seems that they are just the same all over the world: RAMBLING IDIOTS. I do not know as much as one single non pentecostal person, who actually happen to respect the pentecostals.

 

So although your five years have been in pain, I think you should be happy that you never fit into the system. I hope the rest of your life will be good.

[GiantBear]

Spidermonkey,

 

Loved your non-PC testimony!

 

I'm glad you got away from those shenanigans.

 

Peace,

GiantBear

[GiantBear]

I do not know as much as one single non pentecostal person, who actually happen to respect the pentecostals.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

I mostly agree with this quote, but have experienced some of the opposite too.

 

During my Christian heyday, I was around a lot of people who were more non-denominational or "tolerant within the pale of Christianity."

 

I remember a lot of non-Pentecostalist-Christians being "Pentecostal-jockers."

They "loved their energy, enthusiasm, zeal, blah blah blah. "

 

It was hard to hear that kind of condescension. Because until they join up with Pentecostalism, the logical conclusion is that they think most Pentecostalists are delusional. And they must think that many Pentecostalists are spiritual bullies.

 

In my experience, Pentecostalists/Charismatics had a very hard time accepting that other Christians did not want to join. They would invite us to their church assuming that we would go in for the "Baptism of the Holy Spirit."

It was hard for them to avoid thinking that we were disobedient when we rejected the offer. Possibly we were even at risk for the "unforgivable sin." Possibly we were just "luke-warm" Christians. Maybe we would just "come around" later on when we were ready.

 

I'll quit now. Seeing how I've gone off on a tangent.

[spidermonkey]

Ok spidey, I've read your anti-mony a couple of times now, but you never explain your obsession with Bettie Page.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Because she is way hott like me!

[spamandham]

Because she is way hott like me! 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

I recall your pictures from the old site. You're hotter.

[Vixentrox]

I stopped reposting my Anti-testimony after the 3rd forum change I think.

[Purple]

I stopped reposting my Anti-testimony after the 3rd forum change I think.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

Too bad Vixentrox I think I would have liked reading it.

[Vixentrox]

If you want I can tell you about it sometime.

[shakinshoog]

wow spider,

I was in the holy roller cult for over a decade and it was similar... we considered the

charasmatic pentecostals lifestyle very easy and they weren't saved LOL... I had no idea it was so similar in taunting tactics...

 

 

the good thing is we're free and we're not bound anymore! enjoy your "exness"!!!

[Purple]

If you want I can tell you about it sometime.

 

That would be great, if you feel up to it.

[Purple]

If you want I can tell you about it sometime.

 

Cool!

 

Okay I kinda ersponded to this when I already had. Never post no tylenol 4s.

[Vixentrox]

Hehe....just look for me on-line.

[spidermonkey]

Now that I've been out of the cult as long as I was in it, here's an update.

 

Ten years ago, the weekend before school started, I put on my favorite skirt, grabbed my bible, and went out the door to my dad's new church, hoping to make friends. I ended up getting myself into more shit than I ever could have imagined -- and of course, no friends. Here's an idea of how I walked away from the church.

 

Social issues: I had already acquired a serious problem trusting people when I found out my "loving" church peers regularly stabbed me in the back. I had also been teased my whole life at that point. When I left the church, it only compounded existing issues. My entire social network was gone. When I'd see my former friends in public, they would look away from me, even though I knew they see me. The asshole I used to live with didn't help me much in that arena. I still don't have much of a social network (this time, it's mostly by choice) and I still find myself distrusting most people on principle. Fortunately, I have a boyfriend who listens to me now. I'm starting to learn how to deal with being an introvert instead of hating myself because I'm not Miss Congeniality.

 

Coping with life: My family, teachers, and peers all yelled at me for crying and expressing opinions, so being the hypersensitive emotional freak that I am, never learned any real coping skill other than hiding my feelings. At one point, I went on medication to try and get rid of the emotions that everyone hated in me. I got a host of shitty side effects, but was still oversensitive. I never had anything to help me deal with negative emotions other than praying about it. When I stopped praying, my coping mechanism disappeared. I did a lot of toddleresque screaming. I used to throw things around when I got upset - one of those being my old study buybull. I used to drink like a fish because I had no constructive way of dealing with things. Now I have better ways of dealing with stress, and I hardly ever drink. I still catch myself occasionally wanting to curse ghod when things go wrong, although that happens very rarely now. Of course, part of the reason I was so frustrated was that I was going through the typical college bullshit and trying to deconvert at the same time. I didn't realize that college was going to suck as much as it did - the social scene never did anything for me. Having a regular schedule, a decent paycheck (YAY I just got a raise!), a nice apartment, and a car that doesn't suck makes life a little easier. (Fortunately, my job situation has improved within the past few months, although it still provides its fair share of drama)

 

My worldview: It totally changed. Obviously. This has been a hard one for me. A lot of my previously held views were changing now that I allowed myself to question the buybull. Sex. Marriage. Family planning. Money. Life goals. And many others. It all changed. I was so sure in my faith and what I believed ghod called me to do, and now I was questioning all of that. I knew that I wanted to get away from the jeezus cult, but was unsure of what value system I wanted to use now. It took me a while to find out what aspects of life were truly meaningful to me.

 

I attempted to seek out like-minded people, but my early attempts were not fruitful. In my first year of apostasy, I encountered a lot of people who wanted to pigeonhole me due to my age and the fact that I had deconverted so recently. I met a few non-xtians IRL, but they had been that way most of their lives and couldn't understand my anger toward xtianity in general. I started feeling like I was the only one to go through what I was going through. It hurt that people were either unable or unwilling to relate to me. I found ex-c in 2002, which is when I posted my ex-testimony. My worldviews have become a sensitive subject in the past few years, and out of all of the crap that I've gone through, this one is going to take the longest to heal. Back in 2003 I attempted suicide. After a "friend" decided to give me bullshit about my abortion views and being a total asshole about it, I just snapped. I know it might sound like a dumb reason to attempt suicide, but 21 years of being a mental outcast can really do a number on your self-esteem. The reassurance and acceptance I craved like my lungs crave air was just not available to me.

 

The healing process has been really long and drawn out, thanks to the reluctance of my "friends" to give me a safe space in which to share my opinions and the unsupportiveness of xtians in my family. (And we wonder why I want an extremely limited social circle...) Thankfully I am with someone who shares my views on important life subjects

[spamandham]

The healing process has been really long and drawn out, thanks to the reluctance of my "friends" to give me a safe space in which to share my opinions and the unsupportiveness of xtians in my family. (And we wonder why I want an extremely limited social circle...) Thankfully I am with someone who shares my views on important life subjects

 

I'm glad you've found someone to share with, even though that bites for the rest of us guys.

 

This board has been very helpfull to me, as I have only a couple of fleshies I can really talk to about this topic, but none that are really close to me.

[Guest Winchester Slate]

I really don't know what to say except that whenever I see a long post, I usually skip right over it.

 

But I read every word of yours.

 

Good read.

 

The sunshine feels good, doesn't it.