I Used To Belong To The Biggest, Baddest Gang In All The Universe!

[Vomit Comet]

EXISENTIAL BLUES

 

I used to definitely feel my life was Purpose Driven. Divine purpose. I was one of the chosen, the elect, the few the proud.

 

Not just that, but I felt like in God's Army I was elite Special Forces. I fell into the "horror movie" side of the Pentecostal denomination, so it was all about spiritual warfare, demons, principalities, direct engagement with satan himself. Around the clock, all the time. I felt like an elite commando fighting the forces of evil in the jungle so that the church could sleep peacefully at night and not be harmed by the Dark Side.

 

I felt like I was an elite solider in the biggest, baddest gang in all the Universe.

 

Well, now that that's all gone... I admit that much of my self-worth went with it.

 

I feel insignificant now. Like my life don't mean shit.

 

Even in my secular activities. I am in a PhD program, looking to become a tenure-track professor at a university somewhere, one of these days. I have a Master's Degree. I loosely fall into the grey area between the social sciences and the liberal arts/humanities. I was a Christian up until late last year, though in more recent years I was hiding it a lot more.

 

I felt this sort of Calvinist-Pietist "earthly calling" in what I did. Even though I was going into godless academia, I was going to be God's double-agent and really shake things up. I was going to introduce light into the darkness of the ivory tower, and still be a perfectly credible, hip, happenin' intellectual while doing so. I would publish my research in serious academic journals while writing for a general Christian audience on the side, straddling both worlds while giving the brethren a wink and a nudge.

 

And now that that's no more, I've realized just how low on the totem pole of academia I really am. I haven't even gotten through my first comprehensive exam yet, and I research weird esoteric cultural shit that policymakers and powerbrokers couldn't give two shits about, and I'll probably have a hell of a time getting a job because most social science departments are all caught up on quantitative statistical positivistic stuff, which ain't my thing at all. I'm going to be the token cultural studies guy and it ain't gonna amount to shit.

 

I would consider myself musically gifted, though I thus far lack formal training. Call it one of the pleasant side effects of Asperger's Syndrome. If I dropped everything and went to Julliard I would probably have what it takes to become a brilliantly original postmodern composer or something, and I'd probably become a bass god if I dropped everything and went to the Berkeley School of Music. Then again, I might not have the discipline for it, and it's highly likely I'd fuck it up. But even if I did all that, it wouldn't mean shit because my music is not going to revolutionize worship and break down barriers between the church and the rest of the world and blah blah blah blah.

 

Back to making my bizarre fucked-up noise-outsider music where every other song is a first person account of someone doing something incredibly foul with his dick. Or murdering someone with a power tool. Hey, fuck you, it's art! Fuck you! Fuck you!!! This was the music I was making in secret while I yet still believed, and that I'm still mostly secretive about becuase it would horrify my colleague's sensibilities. It'll never gain me favor with or notably advance the goals of the worldwide church, let alone the Deity Himself. Won't get me rich or famous either. Maybe it'll get me a cult following on YouTube, but I doubt it'll ever translate into me getting blowjobs from female strangers. Unless I can find a back-up band so that I can make it a live act. But even still, I can forget about quitting my day job.

 

Well, even though my life and my church and my circle of Christian friends were all pretty fucking lame, I just figured it was some dark age I had to endure until the fruits of our labors would finally bring about a flowering Renaissance of real-deal Christianity that was going to rock the shit out of Southern California, where we were natives.

 

"Any day now, Lord. Any day. Unleash your miraculous earth-shattering forces. We're ready, Lord. Any day. Any day. We're gonna take over everything from Fresno to Tijuana. Any day, Lord. Any day. We're ready for it."

 

And the years went by. Nothing changes. In fact, the scene gets even more lame. Massive earth-shattering revival that precipitates the Last Days seemed ever more unlikely.

 

"Why isn't it happening? How much longer!?"

 

"Be patient" the older and wiser ones would say, "Moses was in his 80s when he was finally called by God to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. Be patient. God will act on His time, not yours."

 

And still, nothing.

[One_World]

My response here won't do yours justice, but I can relate a bit...I'm 25, consider myself fairly intelligent, but started falling off with education right around the time I left the Catholic Church. I coasted into some good grades at the start of college, but pretty much decided to skip classes more than anything else. I had thought growing up that God had a plan for me...as I moved into a phase of religious apathy, I felt more alone in the world and began to care less about my direction in life.

 

I stopped taking classes when I was 3/4 of the way through college, began working at mind-numbingly boring office jobs. I'm still doing that, but I've begun to take a more critical look at myself and my life. It's kind of a slap to know that a social sciences / cultural studies degree won't advance you much. I can relate to that as well. I've always said I'd have finished school quickly if I knew there was a job market for the interests I have. I've never been interested in the business world, which is what it seems a person has to have to find a job within 6 months of graduation. I've considered trying to dive headfirst into medical school, since it's a field that I enjoy and has job openings. However, with my motivation, who am I kidding? I can't even finish my 4-year.

 

Sorry to get off-track about myself (again). I think though a key aspect to positive thought is knowing that you are in control of your life, you know? It was so nice growing up thinking God would guide me to a wonderful career using my abilities. Now I'm seeing that to obtain said career (and a happy life), I have to do it. It's tough to depend on someone that may just be a figment of my imagination. Look for more strength in yourself than you seem to have found. You were once a member of God's army. Time to be a renegade Black Ops ninja. Or something cool. Point being, trust yourself and be happy with whereever life finds you in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, etc.

[LtJayson]

When you leave the Pentecostal group - especially when you are involved in the spiritual warfare, deliverance, etc stuff...you do feel alone and scared. You feel like that protection that you had from the demons that you "pissed off" is gone and now you are open game...and that goes away.

 

Then, like you said, when you realize that you are not earth shattering and things that you have worked for mean nothing, it is a sobering experience. I actually see myself as having MORE self-worth now that I am not a christian. Now, when I do something and I am good at it...I can be PROUD of it because it is something I did and not just god doing something through me, so I am a useless vessel. I can be proud of me! Did I waste my time in college and seminary? OF course! I have degrees out my ass about theology and christian education and ministry. It doesn't amount to anything in the "outside world", but I can be proud that I busted butt to get there!

 

Anyway, all of this to say that I feel for ya and know what you are going through! oh, and, WELCOME!

[R. S. Martin]

Even in my secular activities. I am in a PhD program, looking to become a tenure-track professor at a university somewhere, one of these days. I have a Master's Degree. I loosely fall into the grey area between the social sciences and the liberal arts/humanities. I was a Christian up until late last year, though in more recent years I was hiding it a lot more.

 

I felt this sort of Calvinist-Pietist "earthly calling" in what I did. Even though I was going into godless academia, I was going to be God's double-agent and really shake things up. I was going to introduce light into the darkness of the ivory tower, and still be a perfectly credible, hip, happenin' intellectual while doing so. I would publish my research in serious academic journals while writing for a general Christian audience on the side, straddling both worlds while giving the brethren a wink and a nudge.

 

And now that that's no more, I've realized just how low on the totem pole of academia I really am. I haven't even gotten through my first comprehensive exam yet, and I research weird esoteric cultural shit that policymakers and powerbrokers couldn't give two shits about, and I'll probably have a hell of a time getting a job because most social science departments are all caught up on quantitative statistical positivistic stuff, which ain't my thing at all. I'm going to be the token cultural studies guy and it ain't gonna amount to shit.

 

Wild Man, or whatever you call yourself today, DON'T GIVE UP. I'll bet you haven't looked at all the schools around the world. I can put you into contact with a sociologist around the corner who is strong into Qualitative Analysis. Send me a pm if you're interested. He conducts international conferences. I've been to one or two and presented at one where he sat in the audience. He was impressed.

 

As for the "grey area between the social sciences and the liberal arts/humanities"...my guess is there's possitions to be had in more liberal countries such as Canada, Europe, or Australia. I don't know what school you're at or what the most liberal schools in the US do. However, I have been amazed to see in the academic departments around me how they blend disciplines and do interdisciplinary research projects, and even offer academic programs and degrees. You're still really young. If you're still working on the first part of your doctorate, lots could happen between now and the time you get your degree and need to apply for a position.

 

My observation of life has been that when people invest their time and efforts where their talents and interests lie, they will perform better and they will be more likely to be successful, whatever that means. It sounds to me like you're doing exactly that. So hang in there and let me know if you are interested in more information. I know some pretty interesting sociologists studying stuff not everybody is studying. Might not be what you're looking for but it might lead to something.

[Vomit Comet]

When you leave the Pentecostal group - especially when you are involved in the spiritual warfare, deliverance, etc stuff...you do feel alone and scared. You feel like that protection that you had from the demons that you "pissed off" is gone and now you are open game...and that goes away.

 

Actually, when I was kind of in the end stages, I thought that they were stepping it up. I thought they were trying to drive me mad so that I would renounce Christianity in order to make them stop.

 

So I did, and it stopped. There's a part of me that imagines that "they" won. They successfully got me to disbelieve in order to stop the madness, and now there's demons laughing and partying while angels weep over having lost me. Or, as my uncle likes to say (sarcastically), "you're making baby Jesus cry."

 

So, if that were the case, then it would be in their interest to leave me alone and go completely quiet, because they have me exactly where they want me. If they one day reappeared then it would be a blunder because then it would scare me back to Jesus.

 

So I didn't have that fear. Rather, when I was contemplating leaving, at the end stages, I figured they'd just suddenly go quiet and leave me alone because that would mean they had finally won the battle for my soul. No use fucking with me beyond that point.

 

Then, like you said, when you realize that you are not earth shattering and things that you have worked for mean nothing, it is a sobering experience.

 

Sometimes I doubt. Sometimes I think that I really was being attacked by or witnessing the activities of evil spirits or ghosts or wights or whatever, regardless of whether Christianity is true.

 

I almost slipped into disbelief back in the year 2001, actually. There was one thing that kept me from doing it: my experiences with demons, which I regarded as very, very real. I still am not all that sure.

 

Refer to the ex-imony I wrote as "Wild Man" late last year. Actually, I'll try to find it and post the link.

 

I actually see myself as having MORE self-worth now that I am not a christian. Now, when I do something and I am good at it...I can be PROUD of it because it is something I did and not just god doing something through me, so I am a useless vessel. I can be proud of me!

 

I'm starting to get that. It'll take time, though.

 

Did I waste my time in college and seminary? OF course! I have degrees out my ass about theology and christian education and ministry. It doesn't amount to anything in the "outside world", but I can be proud that I busted butt to get there!

 

Well, my research activities never had fuck all to do with Jesus anyways, except for some term paper I wrote years ago about churches in the Southern California region which was neutral/empirical (in fact, it unearthed some of the tricks they use to make it look like they're growing and attracting seekers), so I'll just continue on as I have been into academia.

 

Ruby: thanks for the offer, but I think I'm doing as alright as I always have been. I'm not too scared about finding a job.

[Vomit Comet]

Hmmmmm... couldn't find the "edit" button.

 

LtJ: here's the link to the big long testimony I posted here back in early December.

 

"Long Nightmare"

[MesaGman]

As a Former Latter say Saint. I know this all too well. Note SAINT, we don't have to be special and do great things to earn the Santifed titled of Santos, like Catholic heros do. We are already Saints, for being part of the so called "One True Church". Even better was that the Melchizedek priesthood, the so called "Masters of the Universe", more powerful than He man the master of the universe... because we held the exact power of God, the authority of God, and the "keys" to the universe. (metaphorically speaking).

 

We believed that When we would die, we would become Gods and Godesses ourselves (note the Godess will always be subservant to the man God). non of this Hera is equal to Zeus silliness (note I'm just being a pig for sarcastic purposes). But while we were training to God, that Saints and angels would bow to our presence, because we are Saints of the LATTER days.... the according to Church leader Eyring "The Generals (Like General Kenobi, General Revan) in the war in heaven"..... and our reward for being so talented, and obdient to God, was to be born in crippled, mortal bodies, in an imperfect world. Especially during these "Latter Days", because we were the most strongest spirits (after all we were Great Jedi Knights in the war in heaven).... lol, and able to withstand following God's ultimate task, to survive with the truth uncompromising, with all these tempations, such as drugs, false cults (oh the irony), and sexual temptations, and scientific progress to cause great strain on doubt.

(So far the greatest scientific evidence against the Mormon church, is DNA evidence proving that Aborginals are of Siberian stock..... not Semetic stock like the Book of Mormon Claims, and that and a 40,000 year old human turd, that contains DNA evidence and food staples contrary to the BM claims).

 

Anyways. back to the story. Not only was the LDS church restored, and it's mighty saints better than the Catholic Saints (although the Catholic Saints did good things of compassion, even though their church were led by douches), that Mormons had the privilige of being the SALVATION for lost souls. That's right! when you died and haven't heard the gosple, or you rejected the Gosple, there is no burning of your soul! you just go to a pugatory like place called the Spirit world, spirit kingdom, and is taught the gosple there, with loving angels and spirits administering your fallen worthless sinner soul. Thanks to great heroic LDS Champion Saints... Gee arn't we special? What we do is a ritual called the "Baptism for the Dead". We are "dead dunked" on behalf of people that lived. and confirmed, and endowed. So either way..... You're a Mormon.

 

Even in such a special church, there are castes, the lowly unblessed Mormons are stuck with Baptism for the Dead, in the lower less splended bowels of the temple! We Higher Mormons, more worthy than lowely poor Mormons, we have higher responsibility and glory. We are so beautiful, most graceful, most talented, our farts are more prettier than a lowly Mormon, low wage earning trades person... We get to be blessed with doing the Endowments for the Dead. Why get wet, and soggy? and ew it's bad for our hair and our skin to get dunked in chlolrene water... let the Lower classed Mormon do that. We have privilige in society, we have privilige because we are blessed and better than the lowest of low, who are higher than non Mormons.... We are endowed with the blessings and privilige to get into the Celestial Kingdom. (the Highest level of Kingdom of Heaven). only Mormons can come here.

 

The most lowest pedophile can live in the Tereestrial Kingdom which is compared to the glory of the Stars... The glory of the moon for the Telestial Kingdom, and Celestial Kingdom glory of the Sun, the Throne of God. A Catholic Saint can only hope to reach the Telestial Kingdom for rejecting God.

 

Women who are not married, can never reach the Celestrial Kingdom.... we are blessed to have the gifts of teaching, birthing, healing (mothering), and grace. We have to give Men SOMETHING.... lol. We let Men become the priests, and patriarchs. Because we love our Husbands so much, we will let him create a world. Eventhough we're Godesses.

 

So Us Mormons are the most highest of all Christian churches. We're even the best bullies gangs.....

 

lol.... you non mormons have nothing on us.... even our heaven is the most highest. you guys may be the jewel in the Crown of heaven, but we're the most sharpest point on the diamond. soooo nahhhhh!

 

You might be part of the biggest and baddest, army of God, an army of eliet, you'd most qualify for a lower existance in the Terristrial Kingdom.

 

I on the other hand was a Mormon Saint, and a priest (maybe not in the Eliete priesthood, and thus a Master of the Universe like He-man), but certainly higher than you.... Hell Steven Cobert being a Catholic only Qualifies for closest mansion beside some obscure border post neighborhood out in the boonies of Heaven, compared to Me a Mormon Saint. now because I didn't go on a mission (because I found out what a bullshit the church was), I would be on the other side of the border wall neighborhood... certainly not close to the Throne or not even the outer gates of the Palace of the Heavenly Father, but certainly higher than Steven Cobert and his So called Platnium Club member friends. But certainly a God. Maybe not a Zeus like God, but a Lowly Loki obscure God that nobody knows, only to be invoked when someone invokes a toe stubbing or paper cut. But certainly invoked, unlike you, or Cobert... hah!

 

not to mention that I was a Saint of these dark and latter days! I also have servants, why the people I rescued ME not Jesus, not you, certainly not Cobert! ME I rescued over 70 men (10 people per trip, 7 trips in total, before I left the church)... Because of ME, they now baptised in the Post Mortal Spirit world. What have you done.... just recited some bible scriptures and converted? I was some man's last chance. because I'm special! I'm blessed with this resonsibility that I humbly take! These 70 men will now become Gods, because of Me. infact when you die. you'll be baptised by us Mormons. I don't see your church doing this.... so how dare you call yourself a Eliet trooper of God. I'm the WORST, of the best... You're merely a medic's orderly, or a private compared to me Chief of Staff.

 

 

Joking aside:

 

note this parody is made for funny purposes not to insult anyone..... well maybe the Parodied. But Mormons do have a stick up their ass.... Mentioned are true Mormon beliefs. We did baptisms for the dead, because we arrogantly believed that 1) that's what the dead person wanted 2)we had to right to make people ALL mormon, even against their dead wishes....Also in the Mormon after life, there are 3 levels of Heaven, Telestial, Terestrial, and the Celestrial. (correspond metaphoric imagery: Telestrial glory of stars, TErestrial=glory to a beautiful Full moon when it's all orange or rare or something.. Celestrial the Sun). Citizens of the Celestiral Kingdom (they are also further divided I think.... have to be MORMON, MARRIED, ENDOWED (which the church can revoke), a Melchizedek priest (Endowments), priviliges of being a Celstrial Citizen. You get to live with Jesus and God and the Holy Ghost, and can train to become a manager God of one of Heavenly Father's infinite planets, Jesus is the Manager for Earth... (Orgasim level: a Sexual Orgasm on E and Viagra, with a magical boner that will never go down).

 

The Sultan of Brunei's the Sultan of Dubai's palace doesn't not compare to the Celestrial Kingdom.... (according to a Mormon friend of mine who frequently has NDEs)

 

 

 

Terestrial Kingdom: not quite sure what this place is. the Holy Ghost and Jesus are able to visit you here, but not Heavenly Father. It's orgasim level.... would be 69ing in a hot tub with Champaign? a bit better than the Telestial Kingdom.

 

The Telstrial Kingdom= lowest kingdom, and only the Holy Ghost lives will visit you here. which is still very good, (on the orgasim level.... maybe a guick but satisfying wank?), it's said that you would kill yourself if you saw how cool this place was, but it's not THE Kingdom. people from up there can visit you down here, but you can't go visit them up there.

 

When one dies, without hearing the gosple or rejecting the gosple, they are given one final chance to repent, which is better than just getting thrust into the firey pit of gasoline and acid. But may have to wait a very long time to move on. (again the rituals for the dead in the temple).

 

There is divisions in the temple, the baptism room is sealed off to the higher more nicer rooms, there are temple passes that are needed, for both sections.... This is why you can't go into the temple or temple property.... what snobs! believe me you guys arn't missing anything. If you want, to know.... just compare the inside of a really nice cathredral, or better yet, the Restrauant that Mr Bean eats at on Mr Bean's holiday..... (the place he tried to eat the lobster). or the interior of the minstry of justice on Rush hour 3. That's what an inside of a Mormon temple looks like.....

 

But in the Mormon's mind, no matter how much of a good person you are, or if you were a kind like Ghandi person, you're less then they are. Mormons believe among these reasons and many other reasons that they're the best of the best of the best....... of the best. That the Presidency of the United States of America, is gravel compared to the glory of the Melchizedek priesthood.... and that women, no matter how nice to people are dirt, because if they don't marry a Mormon man, even though a Mormon man maybe a verbally or physically abuseive fuck face, is more worthy than her.

 

Just picture Steven Cobert...... with Goddly powers, and you got a Mormon right there...

[Vomit Comet]

Well shit! It sounds like you guys had a way better deal than we did! I want my goddamn money back!!!

 

Then again, I happen to have a penis, so maybe that's why it all sounds so choice.