What's The Deal With Ass Of God Etc.?

[Emme]

Even though I was a christian and mixed a lot with other christians, I am blissfully ignorant of other denominations other than my pentecostal one.

I know what went on in our church, but there are so many! I've googled of course, but I'm curious, what went on in your churches?

 

A typical sermon in my church:

 

welcoming,

short prayer and half-hour worship,

time for the kids to go to sunday school,

hour-long preach,

worship and prayer (forever)

+ some announcments and testimonies

coffee and chit-chat

 

My church was charismatic, so there were a lot of speaking in tounges, raising hands and meditative/crazy worship, (smooth syntheziser in the background, team leader prayin/singing/chanting.

I found this extremely uncomfortable. I'm to sturdy to get really psychotic while worshiping. Sure I cried and went through the motions, but my heart wasn't in it)

 

It was a cherry-picking church, not fundy.

 

The gospel was important, I felt forced to convert my friends.

 

Speaking in tounges was important (never managed)

 

when you accepted jesus, you were supposed to be baptized. You were never baptized as an infant, only blessed in a ceremony. (But I was baptized as a nine-year-old, somewhere in between, ugh)

 

Being very happy and icky-friendly seemed to be important aswell, adress fellow christians as brother or sister

 

being gay was a choice, abortion was wrong of course

 

The elders ruled

 

That's my short version of my particular church. What's yours? (if you feel like sharing)

[HuaiDan]

The ass of god? Is that the Holy Farter Jeff keeps talking about?

[LtJayson]

I was involved in a lot of non-denominational pentecostal movements as well as the Church of God (Cleveland, TN) <--Not that I was ever involved in this because it doesn't happen much in the north, but the COG is the founding church of the snake handling movement! I HATE snakes! Yuck!...

 

Services with the COG usually centered around worship...you got to jumping, shouting, waving flags, etc...then, if the pastor didn't feel like there was a need to preach, he would go in to the offering and then back to worship...after a while, he would start laying hands on people who would fall out in the spirit...etc... if he did start preaching, it was usually an "I feel the holy ghost" sermon. Sermons on Sunday morning and night were mainly free for alls in the sense of worship and do whatever you want...wednesday was mainly a teaching night.

 

Again, it was all about the worship...get the emotions going with the right songs and the right musical cues.

[gradstu09]

Well Catholics do it like this:

 

*Arrive, bless self with holy water, genuflect at pew entrance, take a pew, pray in silence for a few minutes, sit back and be quiet while hoping not to get the long-winded priest. Ponder whether to leave the kneeler up or down. Be silently pissed when the family with annoying children takes the pew in front of you. Flip through the missal to find the scheduled hymns and hope they're ones you sorta like.

 

*Get dragged to your feet by the cantor who announces the processional hymn. Either despair that it's the one who can't sing or celebrate b/c it's the one who can. Mouth the words to the song under your breath while the tonedeaf person behind you bellows at the top of their lungs. Silently contemplate killing tonedeaf person. Either suffer through every verse or give thanks that it's the non-singing priest who races down the aisle and cuts off the cantor as soon as he reaches the altar.

 

*Begin the Liturgy of the Word. Exchange responses with the priest as he leads the congregation through the opening prayers, and the Gloria. Sit down and listen to the two readings and the cantor stumble through the Responsorial Verses. Stand to receive the Gospel. Sit to receive the homily. Odds are 30/70 that Church finances will be mentioned; 85/15 that the long-winded priest will mention sexual sin; 60/40 that the young priest will try to crack a joke or try to make the congregation answer questions (hate, hate, hate); and 3/97 that the old school priest will decline to give a homily at all (cheer, cheer, cheer).

 

*Begin Liturgy of the Eucharist. Stand for the Nicene Creed. Sit for the collection. Stand for Intentions of the Faithful and the Holy, Holy, Holy. Kneel for the Eucharistic Prayer. Pray that it's Prayer #2, the short one. Hate the priest for choosing Prayer #1 instead. Stand for the Lord Have Mercy. Kneel for the second part of the Eucharistic Prayer. Stand for the Our Father and the Sign of Peace (everyone shake hands!). Kneeler up/kneeler down? Oh the decisions! Sing the Lamb of God. KNEEL! KNEEL! KNEEL! as soon as it finishes.

 

*Take communion, but ONLY if you are in the state of grace! If you are not, kneel quietly and look properly ashamed of yourself for not being worthy to take communion. Watch everyone as they move up the line. Look for people you know. Look away from people you dislike. Hope that the tonedeaf person behind you leaves right after communion so you don't have to suffer through singing the Recessional Hymn. Watch the priest clean up after communion. Listen to the cantor solo a meditation hymn. Sit or remain kneeling? Compromise by leaning back against the edge of the pew to take pressure off your knees. Sit back when the priest finally does.

 

*Stand! Respond to the final blessing. Genuflect at the sign of the cross if you are old-school (make sure the kneeler is down!) Suffer through the recessional hymn. Leave as quickly as possible in order to get out of the parking lot before the rush. Alternately, leave as soon as possible to grab a donut and leave without having to socialize. Go home and rip off your good clothes. Wait...did you leave the kneeler down?

[gradstu09]

I went to a Methodist-esque (I think it was non-denominational, but the person I went with was a Methodist at the time) service once. I was so confused. People were talking waiting for the service to start. The singing was all happy and everyone was actually singing. There seemed to be no set format for what the celebrant said and how the people responded. The kids left right after the opening prayers for Sunday school (in Catholicism CCD classes are before mass, b/c mass attendance is considered vital, even for kids). There was no scheduled reading and no missal--the celebrant was just, 'Let's look at such-and-such passage' and out came the Bibles. Instead of the sign of peace, there was like a five-minute meet-and-greet where you actually had to talk with people! Aaah! And then, the very strangest part....no kneelers! What do you do without kneelers! There was no kneeling! Kneelers: up? down? Not an option!

 

It was the strangest thing I had ever seen, and from what I gather it was a fairly mainstream non-denominational service. I can only imagine what a pentecostal or charismatic service might be like.

[Thurisaz]

...I'm curious, what went on in your churches?

 

A typical sermon in my church:

 

Some hymns, some quoting from da babble, some preaching, and announcements from the community. I gladly grant the mainstream German Lutherans that 99.9 % of all the messages they put into their preachings et al was purely the good stuff about the jebus cult... you know, care for each other, forgive your enemies, and so on.

 

Specifically: No call to go out and convert them heathens, no word on homosexuality (that I remember now).

 

All in all it was cool... and if I had never opened up the Poetic Edda I guess I'd still be in there.

 

Unless I had stumbled over the dark side of the cult due to some other reason, that is. No guarantees on what would happened then

[upstarter]

Oh gradstu that made me laugh so hard. Well into my deconversion, I started going to a Catholic church because one of my friends was in the choir and I loved to sing. Can you imagine what it was like for a lifelong protestant to try to figure out all that standing/sitting/kneeling? It was like a giant game of Simon Says. LOL

 

I grew up in a very very boring mainstream Protestant church called the United Church of Canada. Services were short, followed a very specific agenda and never involved talking or interacting of any kind, unless there was a responsive reading where the congregation mumbled responses which were written in the church bulletin for that day. Services always started with announcements, which were all printed in the bulletin and you could just read them if you wanted to... but no, the minister had to read them all to us. Then a hymn. Then the bible reading (sometimes read by a member of the congregation). Then a hymn. Then a sermon, not to exceed 15 minutes. Then the last hymn. If the whole thing lasted more than an hour people were pissed, because they had timed their Sunday roasts to be done when they got home.

 

Everyone filed out of the church and stopped at the door to shake the minister's hand. Then you would hangout briefly on the church steps to gossip before you rushed home for roast beef.

 

Then when I was 9, we got a minister who was fresh back from missions in Africa. He was "Charismatic". Talk about culture shock. But the service didn't change much... people would not have tolerated that. The only thing that really changed was that the sermons were actually interesting and usually about Africa.

 

But after that minister arrived my whole family got "born again" and sometimes when our church was closed for holidays (don't ask) we would go into the city and go the Pentecostal Church, where my mother really thought they "did it right". I loved it. They had a band! They sang songs from an overhead projector! They swayed and prayed out loud! I really envied the Pentecostals. LOL

 

Edit: I guess I should add that when I was a teenager the United Church of Canada went through a huge rift over the fact that some members decided that it would be okay for homosexuals to become ministers in the church. Years of debate and conflict ended in the church conference actually voting yes to gay ordination. That's when my family left the United Church. I was already well on my way to deconverting at that point and had moved to Toronto for university, so I was kind of out of the fray. My parents still belong to the church that was born out of that rift.

[Emme]

*Take communion, but ONLY if you are in the state of grace!

 

haha! how do you know you're in a state of grace? After confession?

[Emme]

But after that minister arrived my whole family got "born again" and sometimes when our church was closed for holidays (don't ask) we would go into the city and go the Pentecostal Church, where my mother really thought they "did it right". I loved it. They had a band! They sang songs from an overhead projector! They swayed and prayed out loud! I really envied the Pentecostals. LOL

 

Oh, I know, the pentecostals are sooo hip and modern and free!

[gradstu09]

*Take communion, but ONLY if you are in the state of grace!

 

haha! how do you know you're in a state of grace? After confession?

 

Basically, yes. There's a lot of rules, but they can be boiled down to:

Have you been to confession recently (in the last month, generally)? Yes: Receive communion. No: Stop!

Have you committed any mortal sins since your last confession? No: Receive communion. Yes: Stop!

Have you fasted for the hour prior to receiving? Yes: Receive communion. No: Stop!

[Emme]

*Take communion, but ONLY if you are in the state of grace!

 

haha! how do you know you're in a state of grace? After confession?

 

Basically, yes. There's a lot of rules, but they can be boiled down to:

Have you been to confession recently (in the last month, generally)? Yes: Receive communion. No: Stop!

Have you committed any mortal sins since your last confession? No: Receive communion. Yes: Stop!

Have you fasted for the hour prior to receiving? Yes: Receive communion. No: Stop!

 

That's nasty! Everybody knows you've been doing something dirty!

[gradstu09]

Glad that you enjoyed it, upstarter. |=) Catholics get pissed if mass lasts longer than an hour, too. I don't think it has anything to do with Sunday roasts so much as that's how long mass is 'supposed' to last. The whole parish knows that certain priests will go on and on during the homily, and within dioceses, certain churches are known as 'singing churches' b/c they sing every verse of every song, and anyone wanting a quick mass knows to avoid them. Everyone I know who is not/never been Catholic says the same thing about the sitting/standing/kneeling. This is apparently a major point of confusion! Once you know the mass parts, though, it's all drudgery waiting to move from one position to the next. You can see where obsessing over the kneeler position might provide some mental diversion...

[gradstu09]

*Take communion, but ONLY if you are in the state of grace!

 

haha! how do you know you're in a state of grace? After confession?

 

Basically, yes. There's a lot of rules, but they can be boiled down to:

Have you been to confession recently (in the last month, generally)? Yes: Receive communion. No: Stop!

Have you committed any mortal sins since your last confession? No: Receive communion. Yes: Stop!

Have you fasted for the hour prior to receiving? Yes: Receive communion. No: Stop!

 

That's nasty! Everybody knows you've been doing something dirty!

 

Well, considering masturbation is considered a mortal sin.....yes!

[Neon Genesis]

The basic services of the Church Of Christ I was a member of usually went as everyone would arrive at the church building sometime between 8:40 a.m. and 9:00 a.m. for fellowshipping and to find a place to sit down. The service started at 9:00 a.m. with the singing (no praise teams, musical instruments or choirs allowed, expect for when the local Church Of Christ-owned private high school would have their annual choir singing once a year after Sunday night services; for some reason, choirs were evil during worship services but A-OK afterwards). After singing a few songs, there would be an opening prayer followed by more singing. Then, we would have the Lord's Supper/communion (calling it by any other terms was considered evil and "worldly" because that's what the other denoms used) and no wine was allowed, only crappy grape juice. First there's a scripture read before the breaking of bread (or in this case, crappy wafer crackers). After taking the grape juice, there's a song sung followed by another scripture reading before passing the collection plate for donations. Expect of course when there was a "special contribution" that day and the preacher was giving a sermon on giving, then the collection plate would be passed after the sermon after the preacher has guilt-tripped the congregation into donating as much as possible.

 

Following the Lord's Supper, we would then have some more singing, then during one of the songs, the younger children would leave the room for this service provided specifically for the kids. Then, after the singing, there would be another scripture read that focused on what the theme of the sermon of the day would be. After that, we would have a sermon that usually lasted around 40 min, followed by more singing. During the singing, anyone who needed prayers for whatever reason was "encouraged" (aka guilt-tripped) into coming to the front to confess their troubles to the preacher and elders, who would then tell everyone in the congregation about the person at their request. Then, there would be announcements made about any events and people who needed prayers and then the service was ended with another prayer.

 

After the sermon finished, we went to have Sunday School and then we would be done by around 11:00 a.m. About the only time they would change up the order of the service is if they were having a combined worship service with the Inner City church and the local Hispanic church in which they would usually start church an hour later than normal, but they would have Sunday School first, followed by the service which would usually be the same as normal, but the Inner City and Hispanic church would participate with singing in Spanish, and the sermon would be preached in Spanish with an English translator. Sunday nights were basically the same as typical Sunday morning services expect slightly shorter and no Sunday School classes. And they would have the Lord's Supper available to take after the service for those who missed it that morning. Wednesday nights are just an hour long bible study without any service.

[chefranden]

we would have a sermon that usually lasted around 40 min,

 

There was a common joke used by preachers when I was CofC. What does it mean when the preacher lays his watch on the pulpit? NOTHING!

[Deva]

As far as I can remember the Independent Baptist church services were much as Neon describes his church except we had piano/organ for the hymn singing and Sunday School always took place before church.

 

Some hyms were sung, prayer was said by the preacher, there would be some special music by the choir or a soloist, announcements somewhere along the line and then the main attraction - the fire and brimstone sermon. Everyone brought a Bible to the service. They were usually huge Bibles - like annotated versions and some people even had special Bible covers (maybe cloth) they would have their Bibles in. Some people would take notes during the sermon. The sermon was the most important part of the service.

 

After the sermon there was an altar call, the worst part for me. We would typically sing 15 verses or more of "Just As I Am" or "Only Trust Him" while the preacher waited for people to come forward to "get saved" or "rededicate their lives to God." We would sing until someone would come forward. If no one did the preacher was pissed. You could definately tell. He would say stuff to try to convict people and make them feel guilty. There were usually deacons or Sunday School teachers in the front to take the people into a back room if they came forward. Then they would come out after awhile and there would be this big announcement if anyone got saved (said the sinner's prayer).

 

The communion is as described by Neon - grape juice and little crackers. It was passed around to the congregation on plates. We only did this occasionally and it was a big deal. We always got this little sermon beforehand not to take it in an unworthy way, or we would get sick or something bad would happen to us. For that reason I never liked the communion services.

 

The Petecostals who spoke in tongues were considered to be Christians, but they were in error. I never saw people speaking in tongues until I saw it on TV.

 

I had to go to these type of Baptist services from age 8 until age 17, when I left for college.

[par4dcourse]

Emme, I'm ex COG so my background is much the same. They frowned on their members even looking at another religion so I was blissfully ignorant.

LtJayson, I had an aunt who moved to Cleveland TN to be nearer the COG home.

[R. S. Martin]

Old Order Mennonite from infant to forty-something. Arrive 30 to 45 minutes early so that everyone can be unwrapped, filed into the sanctuary, seated, and settled, well before the opening hymn is announced. Then three to seven verses of a slow seventeenth-century tune German piety hymn are sung acapella in all suprano voices. After the last voice has died down and the last hymnal has been duly shut and placed in the slot of the bench/pew in front, the deacon gets up and announces the chapter of the text he is going to read out of Martin Luther's German Bible. He may or may not be good at reading German. He may or may not have a Grade 8 education. But everyone, including young children and babies (this is still early in the service), sits in reverent silence as he drones and stumbles through the assigned text. The preacher has assigned it to him that morning so he had not had any opportunity to practice.

 

When he reaches the end, he wishes God's blessing on the brother's sermon that follows. The first preacher then rises and greets the congregation with God's peace and preaches extemporaneausly about the song. He may sidetrack off into any tangeant the Spirit leads him into. I sort of figured out that the Spirit had a habit of leading him to talk about recent happenings in his life. Some preachers were led to talk about things that happened in their families. Others were led to talk about things that happened in their neighbourhood, while yet others were led to talk about things they had read in the newspaper. The latter were invariably signs of the wicked world "out there."

 

I should mention that the community was divided into many church districts and that only half or a third of the meeting houses were open on any given Sunday. The extra preachers visited where services were held. In this way, preachers rotated so that people heard a variety of preachers each year. Two preachers preached every Sunday.

 

After an hour or so of rambling sermon the Spirit would release him and he would announce silent prayer, for which everyone who was able to do so was asked to kneel. Toward the end of his sermon babies would be getting fussy so that mothers with babies would have to leave the sanctuary and tend their babies in the lobby. The rest of the two-hour service could be a serious hassle for mothers with babies; they would be in and out of the sanctuary as needed. Such is life. God wills for them to have as many babies as they possibly can. A large part of the congregation is children and young people, seated according to age groups. Males and females are segregated, each on their own side of the building.

 

After the first kneeling or prayer, the second preacher gets up, greets the congregation in the name of God's peace, testifies that the first brother has spoken God's Word, and then begins his own long boring rambling extamporaneous sermon that will go on for an hour or so. Everybody is expected to continue to still perfectly still through all of this. No whispering, giggling, fooling around, or anything. It happens all the time but it is disproved of. Older people fall asleep under the monotone of the droning sermon but it's not because of the poor quality of the sermon; it's because they are lacking spiritual hunger. I never fell asleep. But sitting still so long was a serious test of physical endurance. The Catholic ritual of sitting, standing, and kneeling at least relieves the muscles from holding the same position for two hours straight.

 

The second preacher's sermon was expected to cover the text that the deacon had read. Many preachers would go over it verse by verse. Those were the days when I was glad they did not choose a forty-verse chapter. Some preachers were able to take a verse and extrapolate to make an interesting story or life lesson from it. Others would read a verse, then repeat it in their own words except that they actually used mostly the words that were in the text.

 

After the second sermon finally came to an end, there would be testimonies from everyone behind the pulpit who had not preached. That would include any extra preacher or bishop, and the deacons who were in attendence. The purpose was to testify that what had been preached was indeed truth. The testimonies could drag on and on and on. After they were over, the preacher would say another few words (sometimes not so few) and call people to prayer. Everyone would kneel and he would lead in audible prayer.

 

That was the only audible prayer we ever had in our lives. All other prayer in the home or church was silent. I've been so very glad for that because my own thought life was personal and what I said to god was between me and god; not open for other humans to hear. The audible prayer could drag on and on for a long time. Knees could get sore. No kneeler, Gradstu. Just the pinewood floorboards for us, and the pine benches to lean on. This was actually a time for secret fun for children and young people if they kept their whispers and giggles low enough. Everybody was bent over their own benches and couldn't see who was acting up.

 

After the prayer would be the final hymn, basically a repeat of the first--many verses of slow tunes. However, the singing was the highlight of the service for me. I loved the singing when the volume was good. Outsiders called it whining but for me it was really good, sacred music and fellowship. When hundreds of strong voices blended--with everyone on tune and on beat, sometimes I would feel an ecstacy and union with everyone present. Such singing was worth the long hours of sitting on hard benches.

 

When the singing ended, the preacher would again say a few words, or not so few as the case may be. There might be a few announcements. And at long last people would be dismissed. They filed out of the sanctuary somewhat more boisterously than they had filed in. There would be visiting with friends as they filed out. But there was a certain level of decibels about which the noise was not allowed to rise. No technology was required to decide the upper limits; people just knew from a lifetime of training from early childhood. Not to mention the ever vigilant church police.

 

To be "approached" about misdemeanor was considered a major affront and disgrace. The men file out their side of the building and the women file into the lobby. There is no lobby for the men. No matter what the weather, they're out in the open after church. No coffee. After a bit of chit-chat the men get the horses and pull up to the porch to pick up their women folk and people go home for dinner, or visit friends. The people whose meeting houses were not open for service that day will be visiting friends at on of the other churches. And the people whose building was open will be prepared for unannounced visitors. They will have prepared food, and cleaned and tidied up the house. It's part of the rhythm of life.

 

Sunday is a holiday and a day of entertainment and socializing. Young people have the day off for activities until midnight. So long as they are home and ready to get up for morning chores at six o'clock Monday morning.

[Guest laceknitter]

Glad that you enjoyed it, upstarter. |=) Catholics get pissed if mass lasts longer than an hour, too. I don't think it has anything to do with Sunday roasts so much as that's how long mass is 'supposed' to last. The whole parish knows that certain priests will go on and on during the homily, and within dioceses, certain churches are known as 'singing churches' b/c they sing every verse of every song, and anyone wanting a quick mass knows to avoid them. Everyone I know who is not/never been Catholic says the same thing about the sitting/standing/kneeling. This is apparently a major point of confusion! Once you know the mass parts, though, it's all drudgery waiting to move from one position to the next. You can see where obsessing over the kneeler position might provide some mental diversion...

At our church when I was a kid, everybody was OUT THE DOOR as soon as the last hymn started (think traffic-jam).

[Vomit Comet]

I always wondered what a Mormon service was like. They always seemed so shrouded in mystery.

[Emme]

After a bit of chit-chat the men get the horses and pull up to the porch to pick up their women folk and people go home for dinner, or visit friends. The people whose meeting houses were not open for service that day will be visiting friends at on of the other churches. And the people whose building was open will be prepared for unannounced visitors. They will have prepared food, and cleaned and tidied up the house. It's part of the rhythm of life.

 

Sunday is a holiday and a day of entertainment and socializing. Young people have the day off for activities until midnight. So long as they are home and ready to get up for morning chores at six o'clock Monday morning.

 

wow ruby, it sounds so..amish and compoundy. Is it? or am I on the wrng track here? (will google)

[Emme]

After a bit of chit-chat the men get the horses and pull up to the porch to pick up their women folk and people go home for dinner, or visit friends. The people whose meeting houses were not open for service that day will be visiting friends at on of the other churches. And the people whose building was open will be prepared for unannounced visitors. They will have prepared food, and cleaned and tidied up the house. It's part of the rhythm of life.

 

Sunday is a holiday and a day of entertainment and socializing. Young people have the day off for activities until midnight. So long as they are home and ready to get up for morning chores at six o'clock Monday morning.

 

wow ruby, it sounds so..amish and compoundy. Is it? or am I on the wrng track here? (will google)

 

oh lordi, I just googled it. I will never complain again, ruby.

[R. S. Martin]

After a bit of chit-chat the men get the horses and pull up to the porch to pick up their women folk and people go home for dinner, or visit friends. The people whose meeting houses were not open for service that day will be visiting friends at on of the other churches. And the people whose building was open will be prepared for unannounced visitors. They will have prepared food, and cleaned and tidied up the house. It's part of the rhythm of life.

 

Sunday is a holiday and a day of entertainment and socializing. Young people have the day off for activities until midnight. So long as they are home and ready to get up for morning chores at six o'clock Monday morning.

 

wow ruby, it sounds so..amish and compoundy. Is it? or am I on the wrng track here? (will google)

 

oh lordi, I just googled it. I will never complain again, ruby.

 

It's about as Amish as Church of Christ is Baptist.

 

The Amish don't meet in churches; they meet in homes. They don't have rubber tires on their buggy wheels. They have different clothing patterns and styles. They have different worship styles and practices, and their theology is somewhat different. The list goes on.

 

The Old Order Amish and Old Order Mennonites won't intermarry or even use the same schools, though they do use some of the same curricula and publishing houses.

 

But yeah, most of the church services described in this thread sound like FUN!!!! Though they do NOT seem like church.

[ShackledNoMore]

The ass of god? Is that the Holy Farter Jeff keeps talking about?

I think it must be--this version of the cult certainly dishes up particularly smelly excrement.

 

Emme's church seems like it was cut from the same cloth as my old church.