Redid My Antitestimony Again.

[Thunder 34]

Whenever I do my antitestimony I usually either add too much or too little. So here goes another attempt. I'm thinking of sending an edited version of this to some christians I know to help them understand. Here it is:

My New Anti-Testimony

 

Hello, since it has been around a year since I got out of Christianity, and to hopefully clear up any misunderstandings, I thought I might as well write a new, more accurate, anti-testimony. It might be long, I’ll attempt to condense things

 

I was raised in a Pentecostal home. We went to the Brownsville Assemblies of God church in Pensacola, Florida. Of which I am sure many of you have heard because of the revival that came from it in the 1990's and can imagine what I was taught from the church. We went there until I was around 10 or 11. We eventually just started going less and less until we stopped.

 

My mom, sister, and I (My dad didn’t go for he is nonreligious and couldn’t give a shit bout it.) said we were Christians and all but didn’t really live up to it, though my mom would and is more then willing to defend herself and have great pride in her beliefs and such.

 

Of course, I didn’t understand much what was being said, but I was interested in it. I seemed to be in a nightmare at the time. I was afraid and scared over the weekend, when it was around time to go to church, and sometimes during the week because I thought I wasn’t able to be good and was going to be damned to hell. And often times I was very sad because I though there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t on the floor speaking tongues, shaking, etc.

 

So I grew up interested in my religion (and very dependent on it because I’ve used it as a crutch), but couldn’t understand much of it. I believed every word taught, no matter what, and was never told how to reason or why and never developed the power myself. I know you don’t expect a 9-year-old how to reason and to have great religious ideas, but I didn’t get mature enough to reason on my own until not too long ago. Which has caused a few problems.

 

When I was in 6th grade I started to grow an interest into other beliefs. Not interested in joining them but I thought it was interesting what other people thought and believed. My interested in my own religion soon grew more as well. I wanted to know more about the Bible, Christianity, etc. But, of course, I always got a Christian apologetic’s view of everything and believed it without thought.

 

Later on in 7th grade I was introduced to the Seventh-day Adventist church (SDA) (Which is a long story which I don’t think I will put here.) I started attending regularly in March of 2006 and was baptized in August of the same year. Still, no reason being used, I believed everything I was taught in the SDA Bible studies which led to the conversion. I was very adamant (I think that is the correct usage of the word. If not, I mean that I had a deep conviction) about my beliefs.

 

Yet, I also started to get an interest about "having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ" I had heard it at the Pentecostal church but never understood it. I was much older now and had the ability to understand it. The way the Pastor of the SDA church put it, and the things I read about it in SDA literature, made it understandable for me. I sincerely believed I could have a relationship with Jesus and wanted one badly. I tried to do devotionals and such but never heard a word from God or Jesus. I remember actually being in tears sometimes because I wanted a word from God like everyone promised me I could have. Once again, I thought something was wrong with me and I was unworthy. Like I said, I was VERY into my religion and used it as a crutch and the crutch was starting to fall down. This started to cripple my faith and lead to doubt which I talk about later on below.

 

I was naive, too, I knew about the "bad things" of the world like sex, drugs, etc. But I was never exposed to them nor had a single friend who was "bad" and into anything "sinful" like that, because I had just about always gone to Christian schools which shielded me. My mind was blew away in 8th grade, at one of the Christian schools I went to, when I became friends with a couple people who were "worldly" and it blew my mind away. These kids might be termed normal by everyone else but not by me. I never knew a single person like them. They also didn’t come from the best of homes. All of this was also happening when I was starting to question my faith. All of this threw me into a big depression. It lasted from around the end of January until the beginning of May. The "main thoughts" that were the cause of the depression was "Why would God allow such suffering to happen to them? Or to anyone else? Why wont he fix it? Why cant everything be good?" I was depressed during two periods of time. When I was and wasn’t Christian. When I deconverted the depression lasted and it basically turned into "Why cant there be a God to make everything good? Why cant he exist like I want him to?!?!?" etc.

 

I am going to now add a part of the story I usually leave out when I talk to people in real life cause I think it is too long and they’ll get confused and look at me strange. But it is a big part of the story and I think it needs to be in. I had this before I joined the SDA church and really got into my religion even more, but it got way worse. The worst I had it was in January. I had always been taught and believed that even one sin unconfessed could keep you out of heaven. And I thought I was ALWAYS sinning. For example, if I was sitting in school and had bad posture I thought I was sinning. Because my teachers have told us not to have bad posture and it is bad for you. I thought it was sin because I thought I was being disobedient to my teachers and hurting my body, which I though was sin. So, if for a second I thought I had bad posture I thought I was sinning and needed to confess ASAP. Which I tried to. It wasn’t just bad posture it was a whole bunch of things I thought I was doing wrong and therefore was sinning. I was constantly praying in my head for forgiveness which really messed me up. Like if I was talking to someone I’d mess up my words because I was trying to talk and pray in my head for forgiveness and couldnt do both at the same time. It made it very hard to concentrate on anything. It tormented me for so long.One day in January I said "Enough! I can’t do this!" And stopped. I said to myself "I am going to stop this for now. I cant do it for so long. I will confess of the sins later on when convicted but, I’m sorry, but I need to live!" (Strange, I know, but I still wasn’t able to reason, and it made sense to me)

 

I still believed and didn’t want to deconvert at the time so I became a non-practicing Christian. I became a non-practicing Christian about 2 weeks or so before the depression came. It led to the depression some, too. I still had my beliefs though.

 

Speed up a few months and you get to March 2007.

 

I hadn’t ever read anything against Christianity during those months because I still wanted to believe. But one day I thought hard about something I had been thinking about for a few weeks. Hypocrites. I knew I was one but then I noticed....all of the other church members were hypocrites, too, from what I had observed from them. And I started to think something like "Why are they hypocritical? I don’t expect absolute perfection, but why so much hypocrisy? Why am I such a damn hypocrite? Don’t they have Jesus? Didn’t I? Isn’t Jesus suppose to help us"? And then the thought started upon me, "Maybe Jesus isn’t there?...."

 

Which led to the way I got out. I am over that big depression I had a year ago and am fine most of the time. Though, I admit, it still seems Christianity still has some emotional hooks left in me which still hurt. After you’re addicted to a powerful drug like religion for so long it is hard to get completely off. I’m just thankful that I got off it when I did and didn’t end up in Christianity for 20+ years or so like many others have.

 

If you read it all or even just skimmed it, thank you. I tried to condense it but I find it difficult to write things like this and to get my thoughts out. There were other things I could’ve added but I knew didn’t have to be in there.

[Astreja]

Welcome, Thunder!

 

When leaving an old belief behind, there's no particular timeline. As much as we want to put it all behind us as soon as possible, it does take a while to pull out all those hooks (and avoid getting stuck with new ones).

 

Good to hear that your depression has eased, too.

[R. S. Martin]

I hadn’t ever read anything against Christianity during those months because I still wanted to believe. But one day I thought hard about something I had been thinking about for a few weeks. Hypocrites. I knew I was one but then I noticed....all of the other church members were hypocrites, too, from what I had observed from them. And I started to think something like "Why are they hypocritical? I don’t expect absolute perfection, but why so much hypocrisy? Why am I such a damn hypocrite? Don’t they have Jesus? Didn’t I? Isn’t Jesus suppose to help us"? And then the thought started upon me, "Maybe Jesus isn’t there?...."

 

Which led to the way I got out.

 

Welcome Thunder. I've seen you around the forums but don't remember reading your testimony.

 

It seems you did use reason whether or not you were aware of it. You realized the hypocrisy and reasoned that maybe Jesus isn't there. Thus, you were testing the principle of religion with the facts of observable reality. That is how I did it, too. One "man of God," also known as the chaplain of the school where I was studying, suggested that I was testing God. As though that were a bad thing.

 

I never went back to him. I figured an almighty creator god should be able to handle any test I--a mere mortal--could put to him. I drew some inspiration from a female professor who was a fairly short person but had a strong personality. She was also a Christian. I discussed the chaplain's response with her. She told me, "I like to think I can handle anything students can throw at me. I would think God can handle anything I can throw at him."

 

She was a pastor's kid. I figured she knew her stuff. Besides, it made sense. I should add that I have not seen her since my deconversion so I don't know how she would respond. However, I'm not backing down. Principles that hold must work both ways. Either god is there or he isn't. If he is the almighty ruler of the universe he will answer as promised. If I get the "peace of God" the moment I turn my back on God and all that is holy, then perhaps god does not exist and the peace comes from being true to my Self, rather than from obeying God.

[MathGeek]

Hey Thunder,

 

Welcome aboard. I think it was you or somebody else who inspired me to lay bare my experiences with the staining faith.

 

As R.S.Martin told me, you are free to tell us what you want. Nobody here will hold you accountable for it.