Rewriting My Story

[MathGeek]

Rewriting My Story…

 

I wrote down a quick sob story when I joined ExC this past December and I figured it was about time to go back and explain, at least for myself, how I came to this point in my young life.

 

I was born 27 years ago in the tabletop called the Red River Valley of the North. A few years later, my father, a recently promoted colonel in the Army Reserves, re-entered the army after he graduated college and ROTC, moved my mother and I to the bible-thumping land just below the Land Between the Lakes and this is where I began to get my first memories of what the Roman Catholic Church was. As I progressed through life and I made a few geographical changes, I eventually became a devout Catholic lad that was considered the cream of the confirmation crop. My young Catholic credentials include viewing mass at St. Peter’s Cathedral in Rome when I was around 10 or 11 years old and talking to the diocesan bishop during my confirmation at age 16.

 

After I graduated high school eight years ago, I was going to enter the military but medical problems prevented me from becoming a high-flying boy in blue. During the spring subsequent to my 4F status, I became roommates with a guy who was a Pentecostal Christian and he invited me along to meet his family over the Easter holiday. That weekend changed my life at the time for the better, at least that’s how I perceived it. I told my mother that Monday that I wanted to switch out of the Catholic Church and it really flipped her over. I mean she cried her eyes out and I felt for bad for telling her like I did. I returned to college to pursue what I thought would be the work the Lord wanted me to accomplish.

 

The next four to five years of life were a grab bag of happiness, confusion, trauma, anxiety, joy and derision. I figured God was working his mysterious ways on me and the others I came across. I met my best friend while stocking shelves at a local food store and we ended up as roommates for two years of my college career. This guy was a sky-high jerk. He needed somebody he could manipulate easily and I was his meal ticket. For example, we drove to Winnipeg in my car and he never offered to pay for gas. We hung out at the places he always wanted to hang out at. I even joined his church and changed jobs a few time because of my loyalty to him. He even asked me to be a groomsman in his wedding but he asked me not to bring my fiancé along as a guest. That major slight aside, I even became caught a couple of “love triangles†with the guy because he could attract women like a blooming flower could attract worker bees.

 

One of those females in question, a svelte brunette from the land of Slick Willy and Huck the Suck, who worked at a Christian bookstore with me, really introduced me to the fundamentalist side of the faith. I attended a Bible study for a time at her relative’s place that was deep into the practices of spiritual healing, glossolalia and biblical literalism. For awhile, I was really in to deep but I did enjoy my time there. That group had always shied away from talk about worldly things and worried more about being slain the spirit, which is why I am not so harsh on them.

 

After she permanently left my life, I followed my dementor-like friend to a summer bible camp. I immersed myself and the little ones in the study of the Word, fun activities like swimming, hiking and worship, and engage in sneaky, hypocritical activities like playing hardcore video games and watching raunchy videos behind the back of the camp directors and the unsuspecting parents. In fact, that place was hook-up central for a while among several of the camp counselors. I am sure that my dementor-like friend acted all freaky with his then-girlfriend during those scant weekend furloughs away from “the mountainâ€. Looking back, I should have seen the hypocrisy more for what it was, but the faith I had embraced at the time was of a liberal variety. Even then I figured, if I had acted sinful but I asked Christ for recompense, then all would be forgiven.

 

I don’t know how long afterward it was when the doubt started to creep in. Maybe it was with the fact that “Jesus Wrote a Blank Check†to quote a song from the legendary band Cake. I had joined the choir at my friend’s church only to fall away from it. I eventually dropped away from my friend’s church a year afterward. After the summer camp experience, I lost my virginity to a bitch who said that she loved me but then dumped me one month later. My views on romanticism had been changed forever and the idea of a Christian dating relationship also left my mind. My friendship with dementor-man really began to shift after that fateful summer. I got my first job away from him that autumn but we hung on for a while as friends after that. At my new job, I eventually formed my own friendships with other Christian workers who were more forthright and didn’t use me for their own selfish ends. I eventually met the woman I would fall in love with while working there. I would be married to her within two years of our fateful meeting. Overall, life was changing for the better but the seeds to my spiritual destruction were starting to be sown.

 

All throughout my life, I have been easily distracted. From childhood to adulthood, I can remember distinct instances where I was diverted away from worshipping Christ. My earthly interests in video games, movies, mathematics, philosophy and poetry always seemed to be at fore of my life when my religious convictions should have been. When I realized that I had fallen away, I was always bowing before God, guilting myself and being guilted by others to be forgiven. I would say that I took the narrow road mantra literally to heart for a long time. But, my doubt and my easy distraction always seemed to lead me to a new church every few months. One year, I must have attended five different churches because of how I was feeling and acting. Baptist, Lutheran, Catholic, Non-Demonational, Foursquare Gospel were the ones I attended. In terms of my theological compass, the magnet called Satan must have been guiding me at the time.

 

My personal life with my future spouse was far from Christian to put it lightly. While I was with her, she and I both didn’t have strong religious convictions during our courtship, but the beast of indoctrination reared its ugly head when we wanted to get married. We went through the hoops of being married in the Catholic Church, but it seemed to me that the spiritual side of things always seemed to be pointless. When she and I would fight, we would end up letting the steam settle and eventually go back to normal. There was little consulting God on such issues before or after our marriage. In our relationship, I have weathered many things with her and I had a spotty record of prayer when it came to those tight spots. The last time I really relied on Jesus Christ was when a tragedy hit the both of us a couple of months before our nuptials. If you read my original anti-testimony, you can find out what happened. I tried to rationalize the outcome as being part of God’s plan or that maybe our collected maturity was the root cause for it. Even then, no rationalization involving the Christian worldview ever seemed to be right.

 

Either way, that single event likely turned those earlier seeds of doubt into a seedling of seething. That entire period was one of sheer flux for my spouse and me after the tragedy. We moved to a new town where we knew nobody and where we were alone with our problems. Being far away and dealing with that kind of fallout left her and me without any kind of spiritual and emotional support. If we had stayed in our hometown, I don’t think I’d be typing this rambling essay. She and I didn’t attend church for almost a year after moving to our new town. This town is the main hamlet on the Indian reservation where she and I call home and we each had jobs in the education community. The environment is truly overwhelming so the stress bled over in the home and our own tensions with each other created an environment for me that was too intense to deal with at some points. Eventually we moved away from a firetrap trailer we rented into a nice home nearby the Vatican embassy we would soon attend on a regular basis. Returning to church was the impetus that turned my seedling of seething into a full flower of disbelief. There was anger, there was fighting and there were nights where I felt cold.

 

It took some time, yet it was during my second stint as a summer school instructor in the summer of 2007 when I fired up my web browser and went over to my first atheist websites. Why my deconversion began at that particular point in time, I can’t be sure. All I know is that I was at home arguing with my wife about going to church and I admitted to her that I was an atheist and she became livid with me. So much so, that it turned me back to belief during September 2007. A “friend†of mine on a social networking website convinced me to have another go at God and Christ. The attempt was at been quarter-hearted at best and I finally said “to hell with it†three months later. That was when I started posting here at ExC.

 

Since then, my wife and I have been at odds on and off about religion. She wants her happy, believing husband back but I don’t think that will ever happen. I can’t sit through church without showing signs of utter boredom and misery. I still love her very much but I think I have to up my husband status at home in order for her to accept me as I am. A few people in our town know of my disbelief. I had a conversation with a visiting friend in front of my fellow staff members and they didn’t seem to care about it. Some of my students also know and it doesn’t appear to bother them. Some of my family members don’t seem care either. My mother seems to know and appears to be unhappy about it but she doesn’t press the issue. I think I am going to keep the rest of my family in the dark for a while.

 

Overall, this trip has had thousands of moments that have involved thousands of images, emotions and sounds such that condensing it into something readable has been a bit of a mental workout. My trip was emotional deconversion and not really an intellectual one. The intellectual aspects of the journey seem inconsequential when I tend to view my life through the long-angle lens of my memory. I know that life is really a long series of moments and decisions that could mean something different somewhere down the eternal time line. I guess for now, I will live for the best today and let the rest work itself when it all does.

 

Thank you for reading.

[R. S. Martin]

I looked up your first write-up and then read this one again. I don't see anything wrong with that story but this one is an up-dated version with more detail. Thanks.

 

Since then, my wife and I have been at odds on and off about religion. She wants her happy, believing husband back but I don’t think that will ever happen. I can’t sit through church without showing signs of utter boredom and misery. I still love her very much but I think I have to up my husband status at home in order for her to accept me as I am. A few people in our town know of my disbelief. I had a conversation with a visiting friend in front of my fellow staff members and they didn’t seem to care about it. Some of my students also know and it doesn’t appear to bother them. Some of my family members don’t seem care either. My mother seems to know and appears to be unhappy about it but she doesn’t press the issue. I think I am going to keep the rest of my family in the dark for a while.

 

I don't know if I correctly understand what you're saying here, Mathgeek, but I'm thinking if she wants a take-charge husband and you've got what it takes to be that kind of man, there's nothing wrong to be like that even if you're not a Christian "head of the home." I'm also thinking that "happy" and "believing" do not necessarily go together for a lot of us here. How would she feel with this: A happy confident husband who always knows what to make of a situation but loves her regardless no matter much she messes up.

 

I think I know some women who would feel pretty happy with that kind of man, religious or not. The trick for the husband might be not to get fed up with her messes and dependency after a while.

 

Just be aware that I'm not sure that I'm reading correctly. I'd hate to mess up your life based on a misreading of your life story. You seem like a sensitive person so I trust you will check things out with her.

[LtJayson]

Hey! My wife and I have been at odds since I informed her that my belief was starting to leave...she even told me that if I wasn't going to be a Christian, she might leave me. We talked about it, decided that divorce was not an option and have been working through our issues. Sure, deep inside she wants me to "COME TO JESUS!" again, but if that is what keeps her happy, then by all means :-)

 

It will take some time for us to heal, and I have to say, it appears that your deconversion took place before mine...If we can start the healing process in our marriage, I am sure that you can! Just remember that it is you that she fell in love with...so long as you haven't changed your attitude towards her and towards the way you treat her, then things can be worked out! Good luck!

[MathGeek]

Thank you both. There are some other things there that need to be resolved, but my love for her hasn't changed nor will it ever change. As I said at the end, maybe I shall just work things out day by day.

[MathGeek]

I forgot to mention something. Blame it on selective memory I guess.

 

During my time with that fundie bible group, I remember a distinct instance where this guy, I can't even remember his name, challenged the bible group to think outside their house-sized box. If there is one thing Christians are known for, it is their large network of social ties. The svelte brunette I had eyes for at the time was a car wreck of a person and she had accepted Christ into her must have been a couple months before at most. She had been employed at the bookstore I used to work at thanks to a fellow employee and this employee's husband was a pastor of Foursquare church, whose membership included the brunette's aunt and uncle. This young lady, on fire for God, had a habit of inviting folks to the bible study group so people could worship the Lord or have the unbelievers become saved. This young man was likely invited by her or a friend of hers to this bible study to get schooled in the art of 'Christian salvation'. Somehow, I didn't have my car that night and I ended up riding home with this guy. This guy worked as a nurse or a caretaker of the crippled and feeble but his spiritual nature was more varied (into Buddhism and other things) and apparently that is the anathema to the fundamentalist Christian.

 

As the night went forth, he came up with his own interpretations of the Bible verses and it made others and me feel uncomfortable. Now, back then, I somewhat doubted and blindly accepted all at once. I really liked this group of people because they were nice and caring about my faith walk. However, this instance was the only instance when somebody challenged me from an alien perspective. As the young man and I were walking out the door that night, the brunette's aunt made a comment about how he should not return to the group in the future. In other words, he was basically banned. Now, human drama can hard enough to fathom, let alone dissect, and it seems to me that the motives of both sides of this fight were somewhat distateful. On the way home that night, he told me about how close-minded they were and how that group's particular perspective wasn't the only spiritual perspective in the world. At the end of the ride home, I was glad to be out of his car and just generally away from his presence.

 

I would see him again in passing and I would say 'Hello' but I never witnessed to him at all. From my end of it, he was an ethical person who was out to be a crusader for open-mindedness. If there was one thing that the fundies never scarred me with, it was their zeal for the witness. I guess my 'myob-diy' attitude for social mores was at the heart of it. In the end, I fell away from the group because my heart had been crushed by svelte girl. She went through spiritual turbulence not long afterward and she cried her eyes and heart out to me. She even swore loudly at our workplace and she started smoking again. I think it had to do with a 'love triangle' that involved me, her and my dementor-friend among other trivial bullshit. The last time I saw her was the day of my sister's graduation. She and I went for a walk and talked about the existential mess that her life was at that moment. I believe she told me she was going back to the land of Huckleberry from Hope through the nicotine haze. Our friendship ended that day officially. I attended the bible study for a while after she left, but I didn't have zeal anymore by then.

 

I guess that part of my life was just a sad chapter, nothing more.

[alpha centauri]

Mathgeek,

 

Wow, you've had some pretty turbulent experiences!

 

I am experiencing some of the same fallout with my Christian wife that you and others are experiencing. There are still areas of friction that occasionally crop up. Fortunately, my wife was never was a fundamentalist in any way, shape or form. I went down that path for a while, trying to fool and delude myself by "going off the deep end" of Christianity. But that experience actually helped me see through the lies and the dark side of Christianity. It helped me to walk away from that schizophrenic faith once and for all.

 

There are obviously going to be some rough patches, but as long as you and your wife love each other and feel you can work through things, then there's still hope for your marriage.

 

I wish you both all the best,

 

Alpha Centauri

[R. S. Martin]

I forgot to mention something. Blame it on selective memory I guess.

 

No problem. So many things go into making us who we are. The longer we live the more things this is. This is not an account register. We can share only what we feel comfortable sharing, or what we can think of at the time. Thanks for sharing it all the same. You're a good writer and I agree with alpha centauri that you've been through turbulent experiences. If you're like me, then writing it out in logical organized story structure helps you make sense of it and I think that is what these forums are for so write as much or as little as you want. But one thing you're free to do is kick guilt for selective memory to the curb right along with Jesus and crush it down the storm drain to wash away down the sewer with the next rain storm. You have no more need for that guilt. You're Jesus-free!

 

The way I see it, sin and guilt were invented to give meaning to Jesus' death. It just couldn't be that Jesus died in vain so his followers figured out a reason to give meaning to his death. I say it's been a while now. Perhaps it's okay to just get on with other things. In fact, obsessing about a loved one's death over-long can develop into a neurosis. I really don't get it how this Jesus guy had such a hold on people that the obsession developed into a religion.

[MathGeek]

I forgot to mention something. Blame it on selective memory I guess.

 

The way I see it, sin and guilt were invented to give meaning to Jesus' death. It just couldn't be that Jesus died in vain so his followers figured out a reason to give meaning to his death. I say it's been a while now. Perhaps it's okay to just get on with other things. In fact, obsessing about a loved one's death over-long can develop into a neurosis. I really don't get it how this Jesus guy had such a hold on people that the obsession developed into a religion.

 

 

I agree with you on that, Ruby. I am free of the Christian stain and I am happy to be that way.

 

I think the selective memory bit is my remembering of that particular experience this morning. That single experience showed me how repressive and even inhumane religious thought and action can be on people. And those people I mentioned aren't bad people, they are seriously misguided. I guess the motivations are mixed on why I remembered it at all.

 

Oh well, it is in the past and I am glad it is there.

[R. S. Martin]

it is in the past and I am glad it is there.