Thoughts On My First Funeral As An X-c

[crazycanuck]

I just attended a funeral last week, my first as an ex-c. Not for a person I knew "personally". I work as an RN on a surgical ward and in maternity care. I had such brief contact with this family...it was a woman who I transfered by ambulance who in the end had a stillbirth. I only had a brief time with her, spoke with her a bit following the ultrasound that confirmed the bad news and held her while she sobbed (me crying too...I have had a pregnancy loss myself -earlier in my pregnancy though- and I well remember that sick feeling of disbelief following the ultrasound). I felt I just had to go and offer support.

 

I could not believe how my perspective was different, being an exchristian now. What would have been comforting to me at one time prior sounded just AWFUL to me now. Basically it was a lot of "buck up everyone, you are going to see him in heaven someday!" sort of talk. They sang of course, and one of the songs was "Blessed be the Name" which has lines like "...You give and take away....." Whoa! That kind of stuff unnerved me, knowing I was sitting there and no longer believed this stuff.

 

All I could think of was it was so UNFAIR that this baby died so close to being born, with no obvious cause. I left without going to the graveside, and saying "fuck you, God!" on the way home while I cried.

 

This is the first time that I have faced a loss or been involved in one without all the platitudes and bullshit that Christians usually fall on. I sort of had a hopeless feeling about it all...life/its purpose in general. All I could do was cry with that mom and tell her I was sorry that life wasn't fair, etc. and that was it. It also brought back memories of my own loss 6 yrs ago, and how I have not totally dealt with aspects of that either.

 

What gives you, as a ex-c, hope in this life, when dealing with stuff like this!!?!?!?!?

 

This has been weighing on my mind all week, and I am glad I could share it here.

[GraphicsGuy]

Hey CC, I just got back from my first family funeral AND first funeral as an Ex-C as well. It was a VERY Xian funeral, but I politely kept my mouth shut throughout the day. My protests were silent (ie. I refused to sing any of the songs) and I disagreed with the message spoken entirely, but hey...it's family. Whatever gave everyone comfort throughout the day.

 

Although I don't see the discomfort in nothing after death especially given the hell of a life my cousin lived. I have hope because my cousin's torment is ended. He is at peace regardless of any kind of afterlife or simple nothingness. His parents can go on and live their lives without have to babysit him anymore. We remember the good times we had with him and the bad just don't seem as bad anymore.

 

We move on. We live. It's all we can do.

[♦ nivek ♦]

CC,

 

22 years Fire/Rural Ditch Medic/Officer, Charge Medic.

 

Have seen and done it all in some form or another, most of this time as a deconvert.

 

No simple answers such as "Jesus has this situation in his hands!" and such invisible tripe.

 

Most of the "kind words" are meant as fluff to allow the folks told, and programmed to accept them, as "I've done MY part, you get on your knees and DO yours!" affair.

 

What I might suggest is to remember the lady and her loss with a kind card and some hand written words, along with a few tears, those that always fall with something like this. If you are able, deliver it, let the woman know that she isn't "just another fk'n number".

 

"There ain'ta no *Fair*". I own no Easy Answers for this conundrum and headache of the human frailness. Some who deserve death cheat him daily. Others like the baby who might like a shot a life are not enabled that chance.

 

I treat life as one continual set of comedic errors one after another that defy the laws we are taught a "just forkin' SO!!!". Every day something goes to show me that we know shit about anything, no matter how much we've studied and practiced it.

 

Just keep getting up, taking care of business and sloggin' along seems to be a shitty "one size fits all", but often it is what we have.

 

I try to remember that every day I don't cause further harm to someone or -thing else, I've done good.

 

Hope in the end my good will have amounted to something more than a heavenly blowjob and sitting on clouds praising the marshmallow deity...

 

Know that every day you elect to do what you do as well as you do it changes lives, fixes problems, repairs pain, takes agony away, and in turn helps that deep satisfaction that "Infuckingdeed I am GOOD at what I do".

 

Hang on Nurse, the Job often sucks, don't let this loss tear too deep in to you.

 

k, BeenThereDoneThat,YouCanHaveMyT-Shirt, FL

[bellsybop]

Two of my girls just went to their first funeral after deconverting. It was last Monday.

They said it was creepy to see people clinging on to some form of supernatural beliefs of heaven and hell.

 

The only thing I can say is that we all know we are going to die. It's one fact of life we can count on.

But, since human emotions enter the room upon death, we need to go through the steps as normal as possible.

Grieve.

We can't change the way the cards are dealt. It never seems fair when someone dies. But it is part of life.

 

And while I am here, may I say that I'm very sorry about your loss as well my friend. (((hugs)))

[Guest Marty]

The thing that pretty much pushed me over the agnostic/atheist edge was going to my grandmother's funeral some 8 years ago. I had left the church 5 or 6 years prior, with only a few xmas or easter services to appease my mother, but was an apathetic agnostic.

 

At first it felt weird being in my old church after so long, and then the service started. This was a new pastor, so I never knew him or even saw him before. At some point he started talking about how my mother is grieving for her loss, but although my grandmother left behind the daughter she raised, she is now meeting the daughter she never knew in heaven. (A quick back-story, my mother was born 3 months premature and had an identical twin that died 2 hours after birth).

 

I obviously never knew my mother's twin, but knew the story. I had completely forgotten my mother had a twin and as soon as I heard the pastor's words I was disgusted at the emotional manipulation that he was doing. I was pissed at myself that I had never made that connection before, and really wanted to walk out.

 

Another story I wanted to tell the pastor afterwards but refrained (I'm still regretful of not saying anything) was that my grandmother was born and raised catholick but converted to lutheranism to marry my grandfather. When her parish priest found out, he condemned her to hell for leaving the "true faith". I wanted to point out to the pastor that my grandmother was not, in fact, in heaven with her other daughter, but in fact hell, condemned for eternity because she chose to make a parallel move to a slightly different brand of xtianity.

 

That was a pivotal moment for my de-conversion.

[Amethyst]

What gives me comfort is knowing that, after we die and decompose, we still are part of the earth. Eventually we will be part of the stars as well. I find more meaning in that than in threats of hell for most and rewards for only a certain group of people.

[MathGeek]

Thanks for this thread and words there, folks.

 

Last night, my wife and I were visiting our next-door neighbor. She is in her eighties and we love her dearly. I have personally assisted her with her frail husband such as escorting them to church and putting him to bed once on a random weeknight earlier this year. He finally passed this week and I had memories of a fight my wife and I had. He had suffered a stroke years earlier and he was still a steadfast Catholic, and I admired him for it. As we talked about him and everything else under the sun, I was bothered by how he was in "a better place" or "in heaven". This may sound cold, but I don't feel that way anymore and I can't understand why people believe in such imaginary things.

 

Tonight, I actually broke down into tears because I knew he was gone permanently. This sweet elderly man I could never have a real conversation with was gone and I loved him like he was my own grandfather, whom I rarely see because I am currently displaced far from my extended family. There are no Christian words of comfort that can make return to my former faith, but when I go to his funeral next week, I have this feeling that there will be this urge within me to try and attempt again. That likely won't happen though, so I guess I'll go to the church down the street and offer my respects and leave it at that.

 

I guess that is all I can do right now.

[Guest Marty]

I was very close to my grandfather. He died over 10 years ago, and it still pains me to think that he doesn't exist anymore, especially because he taught me so much and encouraged me so much with the arts and my creativity.

 

At least he lives on in me.

 

 

 

 

 

Fuck, now my eyes are tearing up!