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How Do You Deal With Extended Family?


mentalhh

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First of all I study Biology at university. I chose to study it BEFORE I deconverted, and let's just say it did play its part in by decoversion. I used be one of those stupid "Microevolution yes- Macroevolution No!" kind of Xians.

 

My aunt however dosn't believe in evolution AT ALL, even though her sister (my mother) is a doctor along with my dad, and you'd think that it would cross her mind that the new line of drugs they prescribe are needed because of something she doesn't claim exists... even my parents believe at least in microevolution (though I'm becoming of the train of thought that macro and microevolution are silly terms now, and basically the same thing in the end). But then if we lived in America, she would have been such a fundie.

 

Anyway, over Easter my mother caught me on this site on the home computer. I was pretty terrified. I haven't come out to my family really.

 

Then she disappeared to the shops and gets some xian christian creationist books- coincidence? I think not.

 

For once I didn't back down however, I even read the books (they were pretty thin, so took me like an hour), and pointed out points I knew were blatent lies or items which had been debunked/explained by real scientest ages ago. She kind of backed off saying "How do you know they're lies?" and kind of bolted. I felt kind of bad, but hey I was telling the truth.

 

My mum is a moderate xian, so's my dad. Especially my dad. When I started doubting last year, in first year I kind of went to him, evn though he's an elder of the church he admits to having doubts too. HE doesn't know I have stopped believing completely. But looks like my mum pretty much knows (I didn't outright SAY it.).

 

Anyway, recently I've been etting calls from my aunt... and they're pretty suspicious-, says she wants to visit/me to visit, I won't go into details but it's just an inkling. I think my mum has told her. I have said 'no' politely (too much work, exams- which is true) but she's just said 'wait for summer!', which just fills me with dread. I think she's using the fact I'm not fully out yet to her advantage. She KNOWS I try to avoid confrontation. I'm becoming terrified that its going to be a case of dragging me to her house (an hour drive from my parents) and guilting me back into the fold. That's her speciality really. She has no kids of her own, so basically her nieces and nephews come under fire for the 'Lord'.

 

I have to face it, my mum has never tried to 'save' anyone, not has my dad, they're pew warmers, bu they still want their eldest child (me) to be saved- so my guess is my mum has recruited her big sister, who has more experience in irritating... SORRY 'saving'.

 

How do I get around this? I'm looking to do careers experience over the summer, but that will only last so long- I can't do it ALL summer. Eventually it's going to happen if I don't do something about it.

 

How do I (polietly) get around this? She's still family, and although she annoys the hell out of me, she's still family, and to be honest I feel more sorry for her than irritated (and believe me I'm REALLY annoyed, so that's saying something).

 

Sorry to rant and whine, but I was just wondering if any of you guys could give any advice....

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Just putting together some of the things you've said...

 

sounds like family is important to you and you've pointed out how much you don't lke conflict ...

 

so taking this into account, I'd go for something like this ..

 

if possible try and have the time you spend with your aunt be acitvity based, so that you can have fun and have things to talk about without too many opportunities for one to one quizzing.

 

But if your aunt does raise the question of your faith - have answers ready that can skirt over it - 'yes somedays I have questions, at the moment these are things I'd prefer to tackle myself, but if I do need advice or need to discuss it, don't you worry, I know I can always come to you,' keep it friendly keep it light and move it on to other subjects.

 

If she persists say something like, 'you know right now it really isn't helpful to me to have this discussion, in fact, although I know you are trying to help, this feels counter productive, it is really important for me to have some space, so please can we leave it at that?'

 

Still keep it as friendly as possible.

 

This wouldn't work for everyone - but I'm picking up here that you'd rather everything stayed on friendly terms. My own children are a similar age to you, they have relatives who are still part of a more fundamentalist christianity and these relatives 'worry for their souls' but this worry is relegated to their prayer lives. If it ever was raised my children would deflect it back where it belongs.

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As far as that goes, my one cousin and his wife are all I have to worry about. I love him like a brother, but nowadays I see him once every several years. I know when I see him next the first thing he's going to ask me is "how's church?" I know it will hurt him so deeply.

 

He's going out to be a part-time minister in the AoG, which was the denomination I was saved in and churched in.

 

Other than that, the only other person I have to worry about is my brother. Everyone else in my family is either godless or so warmfuzzyliberal that it doesn't matter.

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