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Goodbye Jesus


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Now that I've left the church I find myself having to deal with an emotion I was always taught was unhealthy and sinful.


Being taught to hate sin and never a sinner is a huge load to bear especially on the back of a young man, yikes!



What am I supposed to do with this hate?

I was taught that even the word is filthy.

In my home you never HATED something, you disliked it.

You would LOATHE something before you hated it.

The world was full of only love and... well... Satan.


True, I was much more christlike as a christian, and I find it the ultimate stamp of atheism to lead a virtuous life without the guide of a Jeesussah,

but where does hate fit into this equation? Marilyn Manson, [a brilliant man not reflected well enough in his music] will tell you that hate is a prized emotion that deserves attention.


I feel socially dwarfed in not understanding how to apply this emotion to my life.

And my how strongly the entrance of this emotion has offset my other emotions.

I'm not even sure yet why I can philosophically love something while I struggle with the ability to hate it's perceived opposite,


When you're a man with only love of everything you are proud and invincible.

Now that I'm in the world of people being squashed by their hate I don't understand how to respond when someone hates me. I certainly can't hate them back, morally I'm still a pacifist, and I don't think I ever want to progress beyond that.


I find now that I hate certain cultures, certain people, but love "humans"

I hate dark chocolate and the grinding of my bones, but love exercise, and banana cheesecake.


And perhaps the most confusing of all, I hate religion. I understand that it is okay to hate something. Operating on hatred is a human response to a human word tied to a human emotion, what more can we ask?

But is hate of a stimulus even more controlling than the love of one?

Hate seems to repel even more strongly than love attracts.


Hating that which is so very much a part of me, my nature, my upbringing, and my family is painful and unhealthy.

Because hate is unhealthy, and psychologically love is no longer fulfilling love is now meaningless, and we live in a clockwork universe.


As an artist this is depressing, damaging, and I try not to dwell on it, but the thoughts persist.


I am still deep down a very spiritual man, but now more protective of that fact.

As time moves on I feel as though I'm getting dumber and dumber. I've started forgetting words, faces, places, and I HATE that. On the other side I've learned to enjoy sex. Also, I hate that there's another human attached to the sexual experience, and I find the idea of castration appealing.

I know a few will probably complain that this belongs in my journal, but life has become a gray emotionless soup.

Am I some sort of Algernon, and are you my spectators?

I wouldn't be too surprised if it were the case.


To turn this back into a regular post, how have you dealt with the entrance of this emotion into your lives?

Assuming you've been in the church since birth...

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I think it depends.


1. If it doesn't overwhelm your life, therefore diminishing your life. It's like fire; can't let it get out of control.


2. If it isn't for repugnant or irrational reasons (e.g., Neo-Nazism).


3. If it doesn't cause others undue harm, or if it doesn't lead to repressive authoritarianism or anything like that.


Hatred for your mom's boyfriend can drive you to defend her with all you've got the next time he's beating her half to death, even though he's twice your size. Refer to the little boy in the movie 'Slingblade.'


Hatred for fascism can mobilize the masses and prevent the bastards from getting power. Fascism 2.0 is a real force in Europe, though these days it goes under the euphemism of "Nationalism." In Italy, Berlusconni's #2 man is the chief of the Italian National Party (ask any INPer what they think of Mussolini). In Austria, Jorg Haider is a neo-Nazi in all but name. Vicious neo-Nazi skinheads are popping up throughout the former EastBloc, including East Germany. As for the Slavic lands, my Muscovite friend tells me he's glad his grandfather isn't alive to see those little shitheads marching around with their little swastikas. Hitler himself says that Nazism could have been easily squelched back when they were just street thug nobodies, were it not for the disunity, apathy, and lack of foresight of the otherwise progressive German people. Today we regard neo-fascists as mere peripheral troglodytes that aren't a credible threat. Well, in Weimar Germany, up until the Nazi Party actually started winning elections, they thought the same thing!


In the UK, the National Front has rebranded itself as the British National Party, a kinder gentler version of what ol' Enoch Powell had in mind. The difference is that they try to appeal to the average Anglo-Saxon family man while aiming their invective at non-European immigrant groups. In other words, they no longer talk about putting "poor Manny Cohen the tailor" into the gas chamber, to paraphrase one of their founders. Well, I don't know how big the BNP is these days, but back in the mid 1970s, at one point the NF was the fourth biggest party in Parliament! If I'm not mistaken.


I hate George W. Bush. If more people hated him as much as I do, he wouldn't have been releected. Hell, it could have been enough to force Congress to push a criminal case against his administration, and Dick Cheney would be in federal prison! Btw, in America the Far Right hate him just as much as the Left does, and most run-of-the-mill conservatives are probably sorely wishing that a different guy had gotten the nomination back in '99.


So you see, it depends.

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