Guest thinking lou Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 I just want to share my story...I'm just beginning my deconversion/deprogramming process and it is hard, but I figured that writing this out will help. I was born into a New York Italian catholic family. My mother thankfully was way more "normal" than my father. She was a social catholic...she only attended on Christmas and Easter, etc. But my father...I wish I never knew the man. EVERY Sunday, the 9am Hellhole that is mass. Me and my brother would try to fake sleeping in, sometimes we would bring toys and comics...really anything to help pass the time. But eventually that phase ended and the endless repetition of catechism classes and Sunday masses and "The Way" and all that bullshit got to me. I now realize how lucky I was to have attended public school before high school. I had normal friends, did normal things as a kid, etc. In fact, what got me started realizing the cult that is catholicism is analyzing my current relationships with friends (which are not so good) and then comparing them to my memories of my childhood friends. I could feel the difference in my mindset and how I saw the world and interacted. At that point I knew something was up. Anyways, towards the end of my public school (grades Pre-K to 8) I felt my normal circle of friends was leaving me out, as if there was something wrong with me. I didn't know what it was and it caused me a lot of confusion. I went to a catholic (actually a fucking jesuit) high school in new york and the same thing sort of happened. The first two years I had a good group of friends, but eventually I felt excluded. I took a philosophy class my senior year and that got me initially thinking about religion and my philosophy on life. I had no social life outside of school...I played mostly video games and was an utter shut-in. My catholic exposure was in school however. I had stopped going to church after I was confirmed. I don't even know why I got confirmed, I didn't see the point...the only reason that made sense to me was my best friend was being confirmed so he could one day get married in a catholic church. Anyways, there was religion class at school, and there were some priests that taught classes....just being around that situation I now feel was horrible. So i graduated, and went to university in Canada (where i'm in my third year now). I was really confused...the world around me just did not confirm to the things I was taught throughout my life. I actually took a catholicism class and tried reading some of the bible (new testament) one summer (actually i was forced to read the old. test. in H.S.) looking for answers. At this point I was smoking a good amount of marijuana, and had done some harder drugs such as cocaine, hash. I did mushrooms once and had an awful trip, a complete mind-fuck. I felt like i was dying and there was no god to save me. After that point, i was REALLY confused. I didn't know what to think, and more specifically, why i was thinking the way I was. I thought I had a variety of mental illnesses ranging from depression to bipolar and I decided to quit drugs and try to find some relief. That was about 5 months ago. After quitting I was still depressed a lot, but I just kept telling myself I would get better. I didn't know what the problem was, but I would refuse to give into it. About two weeks ago I found this site, after googling "recovering catholics". I don't remember when the time was that I first decided god doesn't exist, but it was a slow process. I can still feel my mind try to fight the realization that this life is it, and I have to will myself to realize that. But reading the testimonials here definitely have helped, and anytime I feel I'm having those old thought patterns emerging, I remember seeing someone write on this forum: "keep thinking critically". THat phrase is really helping me a lot. I'm just now discovering my sexuality, my nature as a human being, and not a "gift from god". It's funny...I turned on the lights yesterday and realized that there's no magic connection between the lights turning on and me flipping the switch...although i always had learned how electric circuits work i had subconsciously believed god was somehow giving it as a gift. gift my ass! and the subconscious realization that we're all living on a huge rock, floating in space around a big star, and not on god's special little garden of eden made just for us, was a big change. so little things like that i am just discovering again and have to constantly remind myself of. consciously i'm a full blown athiest, i think we're all just animals here living on this earth, etc....it's just the subconscious that i need to change. I go home to New york in a few days to spend the summer with my parents and my younger brother (who sadly still goes to church every week). I want to try to deconvert him but I have no idea how my family will respond or how he will take it. It's a hard process but there is no way that I am going to allow a fucking cult to control the rest of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazycatlady Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 I also found this site by googling "recovering Catholics." Leaving is a hard process. So much of our lives is based on our religion and our parents' religion, whether we realize it or not. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Lou, sounds like you've come out of the womb of religion kicking and screaming. Religion will NOT win! Congratulations! Better days lie ahead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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