"just As I Am"

[Mysteries' Child]

I guess the thread title pretty well covers why I left Christianity-- I know quite a few Christians whom I like and respect, and who are very accepting of me, but I'm one of those people who never quite 'bought it.' I tried to 'buy it.' I really wanted to 'buy it.' My grandma taught me Jesus out of her Sunday School teacher's handbook, and it seemed real nice. I still remember and revere that deity today.

 

Yeah, I wanted to buy it, but that deity didn't match up with the vast majority of the other things Christianity taught me, or with the behavior of most of those I knew who called themselves Christian. I couldn't get past some internal voice of reason that told me that was mighty fishy. And I couldn't take listening to people tell me that "God" loved me just the way I was, and then proceed to condemn pretty darn near everything about me and tell my who and what and how I had to be-- right down to what I should do with my hair, in some cases-- in order to be worthy of that love.

 

If you love someone, and if they love you, you show them respect, even reverence, because you want your actions to match up to your emotions. You do it freely, and willingly, because it is your heart's desire to do so. NOT under duress, out of fear of being outcast, or harrassed, or because you're terrified that you'll suffer eternal torment in some screwed-up BBQ pit if you don't toe the line.

 

Nope-- I heard the Voice.

 

I tried several flavors of Baptists, a few Methodists, and the Church of Christ-- which was pretty much all of Christendom in rural West Virginia-- and got differing degrees of the same load of crap.

 

I also couldn't handle the institutionalized condemnation of other nations, other religions, other sexual orientations, just generally "others." It seemed highly hypocritical out of people who claimed to be bound to a doctrine of unconditional love.

 

I heard the Voice. I heard the Church. Figuring that it was highly improbable that hundreds of people would be wrong while I was right, I tried hard to listen to the Church.

 

I lost track of the Voice.

 

But the Church still sounded like a load of crap.

 

So I left, with the idea that I was unloved and unlovable, evil and nasty and foul. I left with a drug habit and a really ugly case of perisuicidal depression. I left...

 

...and I did some time as an Agnostic/Atheist...

 

...and I still felt rotten about myself and about life. Didn't want what I left, but I did want something to believe in.

 

So I gave Paganism a go. Within a year, I met three people. I found out that my husband held some very heretical Christian/ pretty Paganoid beliefs-- as far as I'm concerned, even though I'd been living with him for two years, I met him all over again.

 

I met a friend of his, who talked about a lot of the things I had wondered about over the years between 6 and 24, and who would become my Teacher.

 

And I met a young man whose practice was everything negative and nasty I'd ever been taught about Paganism (which, considering that I was a kid during the 'Satanic Panic,' was quite a lot). I only interacted with him for a few months, but those were a few months I'll never forget. He was a very sick, very hurt, very angry individual. I'm fairly certain that he based his practice on Chick Tracts, probably because that was what he had been taught he was worth.

 

I am very certain that, if I had had to rely on my religious training up to that point to guide me, I would now be the victim of an abusive cult. There but for the helping hands of some Pagans go I, and all that.

 

If I were going to lay blame for that, and for him, I would have to drop about 85% of it squarely on Christianity.

 

I guess, ultimately, the decision about what he would be was up to him. But the influences around him made that decision, to a great extent, a foregone conclusion.

 

I used to be really pissed about that. A lot of years have gone by, and I'm not angry anymore. But it still makes me really, really sad. I think about it every time I read a church marquee going on about the state of the souls of passers-by.

 

I live in the Bible Belt.

 

It makes me sad a lot.

 

Time went by. A lot of talking happened. My husband and my Teacher helped me find the Voice again. Upshot of all that is, on May 25 of 2004, I Dedicated myself to the service of Something, call it [God] or Good or The Light or, if you're a Dark Tower fan, The White. Call it what you will, 'cause I haven't found I word I don't have to justify, even to myself. Whatever it is, it's the antithesis of all the pure stupid, evil, hateful SHIT I was taught for all those years.

 

I'm not saying everything's been roses since, buy I feel better now. I'm clean, and most of the time, I'm happy. I have peace and purpose and worth in my life. I know that what Christianity did to me, and what it does to a lot of other people, is wrong, but I'm past the rage and the hate. I mostly now see them as misled folks stumbling around like the rest of us, looking for answers and being taken advantage of.

 

Hate?? No. I hate quite a few of the behaviors. But for the people, I feel mostly empathy and sympathy.

 

Kinda reconciled, I guess, but with absolutely no freakin' desire anywhere in my heart to go back.

 

That might unfit me to be here. If it does, by all means, delete the post and tell me to shut up. Being, for the most part, all healed up, I guess I'm probably out of place in a place for the healing of hurting refugees.

 

But here I am. Why??

 

I don't know. I guess I got off lucky with the Christian Ritual Abuse (and the other too, though it's less relevant here), and I think there's a reason for that. I think maybe the reason is so that I have the experience base to genuinely empathize, without being so scarred-up that I'll be nearly dead before I'm able to get thru the healing to help. I realize that the means that worked for me won't be the means that will work for someone else, but I'd like to try to help offer the same sense of healing to other people.

 

Or at least let all those hurting know that it's possible.

[upstarter]

Unfit to be here... not a chance. You'll fit in just fine in this group of mismatched, disparate, slightly crazy refugees. Welcome! Pull up a chair and relax... well okay, it's not always terribly relaxing...

 

Heather

[Deva]

Kinda reconciled, I guess, but with absolutely no freakin' desire anywhere in my heart to go back.

 

That might unfit me to be here. If it does, by all means, delete the post and tell me to shut up. Being, for the most part, all healed up, I guess I'm probably out of place in a place for the healing of hurting refugees.

 

 

Mysteries' Child sounds like you are well qualified to join our ranks. No one is going to delete your post. We are sometimes a contentious lot, but I doubt anyone's going to tell you to shut up over your interesting and heatfelt testimony. Welcome to Ex-C and hope to hear from you often!

[R. S. Martin]

Mystery's Child, sometimes I think there's so many of us "hurting refugees" here on crutches with missing limbs and oozing wounds that we need someone who's all healed up but still remembers what it's like. We need a strong arm to lean on and guide us through the dark days of suffering. Some of us will never fully heal all the scars. It's an inspiration just knowing that it's possible for some people to heal from the wounds and scars inflicted. It gives us (me) hope to keep on keeping on. If we can't fully heal (for instance in the case of missing limbs) at least we can adjust and learn to be happy with what we've got left of life. Please stay and be our sunshine, Mystery's Child.

[SWIM]

That might unfit me to be here. If it does, by all means, delete the post and tell me to shut up. Being, for the most part, all healed up, I guess I'm probably out of place in a place for the healing of hurting refugees.

 

OK STFU!!!

 

LOL just kidding! I pretty much am all healed up too, but I love to smack around the occasional xtian, and make some folks laugh now an then, share some science theories and whatnot. There's a home for you here for sure. quite a few are healed pretty whole here I think you will find.

 

Welcome!

 

We can be a nutty, angry, serious pondering lot, but hey, wouldn't want it any other way! Variety is the spice of life... an stuff...

 

[Darkside]

Hey MC,

 

West Virginia, huh? I've met a few people from there (including my former pastor's wife) and they were all messed up fundies. Kudos for hanging in there. I was probably deeper into fundie x-tianity than you ever were, but like you I've tried different paths on the way out of fundamentalism, including agnosticism/athiesm, paganism and liberal Christianity. I've yet to find a good fit, so no good advice here I'm afraid... just another voice of welcome.

 

Darkside

[alpha centauri]

Hello Mysteries' Child and welcome!

 

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

 

We all have a variety of different feelings about Christianity, and our past dedication to it. But whether a person's views match or differ from our own, you are welcome here.

 

About the only thing I can think of offhand that would make a person "unfit" to post here is someone actively trying to reconvert a person, or someone being abusive to another poster.

 

I'm glad you found your way here.

 

I certainly congratulate you on freeing yourself from the cult of Christianity. I hope you find good conversation and fellowship with those of us who frequent this site.

 

All the best,

 

Alpha Centauri

[Piprus]

Hello, and a hearty Welcome to you, Mysteries Child....

 

Thanks for posting your story. Rest assured, there are people here who can very definitely connect with your feelings, on the most basic of human levels. We have all been there, in what ever time frame. in what ever donomination, in what ever age group. You are among your peers. Don't ever forget that.

 

I think that your descriptive of Christian Ritual Abuse is very a-propos. What I have observed from previous threads here is that it is the Christians' stated INTENTION to harnass the young, rope them into the Christian "meme" on pain of eternal horror, unless they dedicate themselves to the institutionalized "dedication" to the vague "LORD" and his "church", (as defined by the authority of 'the Church' itself).

 

You are definitely in the right place. You are among people who think.

 

We are the people who make Christians shiver...

[LtJayson]

Welcome to the Site!

 

People here are actually more loving and understand than 99.9% of the Christian sites I was a member of before starting my deconversion...so, no worries there! Healed up or not, it's a freaking awesome place to be...welcome and can't wait to read your posts!

[Guest LoveAll]

Greetings,

 

It's so very interesting that many otherwise kind, intelligent people are deceived by the so-called conservative Christian church, whether Protestant or Catholic.

Even Jesus warned that the Way was narrow & few there would be who found it. You know' "few", not hundreds of millions of people in everything from small country churches to vast mega-church buildings that seat thousands. Oh yes, and were we not warned to beware of those who make long shows of prayer? (T.V. Evangelist) and devour widows houses? How many snake-oil peddling, Fundy Christian ministers, televised or otherwise, have bilked the poor with their phony "prosperity" doctrines?

When we are children, we speak as children, believe & behave as children. When we become adults, we put away childish things. "Childish things" includes childish views about gardens & apples & talking snakes, etc. When we become spiritual adults, we find the eyes to see & the ears to hear & we no longer have excuses to remain ignorant, spiritually or otherwise. Are we not called to be child-like, not child-ish? If "God is Love" then God is a verb, not a noun. "God" would then be a spirit, a spirit of love that manifests in each of us.

In one of the books that did not pass political muster at the Council of Nicea, Jesus bemoaned the people who think that a living God is found in a book, any book. He said that we "look for God in dead pages written by dead men", but that the living God can not be found in any book but in everything around us & in us. How sad he was ignored.

The modern church is much more of an Anti-church, most conservative-type Christians could better be described as Anti-Christians.

For myself, as someone who is not and never was a Christian, the more I was exposed to it & studied the so-called "Bible" it became apparent that Jesus was a very misunderstood & misquoted fellow. And it is safe to say, he will not be appearing in the sky riding/flying on a white horse holding a sword to usher in the Rapture, Apocalypse, End-Times, Armeggedon, whatever.

As someone who has a deeply commited spiritual practice (more along the Zen Buddhist-Taoist teachings,)I see there is wisdom in the Bible & in some of the words of Jesus, yet we must not hesitate to use discernment reading them.

The "Bible" is an interesting collection of literal truth, metaphorical truth, & fiction. As the wonderful PBS special produced by the Harvard Divinity Faculty showed, it is very likely the composers of the various books comprising it would be amazed we now take it all literally!

I hope others believe, like myself, that the Truth does set us free, and we don't have to be scared where we find it, or even more importantly, perhaps, where we don't!

Thanks for your new post, welcome.