Your Social Life

[Vomit Comet]

How's your social life?

 

Did you transition seamlessly away from the church scene?

 

Or was the church scene all you ever had?

 

Did your social life take a big hit? Did it improve? Is it more or less the same? How does it differ qualitatively?

[gabby]

Good question, VC.

My social history is a bit complicated but I can say for sure that my church experience has made me very wary of other ppl. Before I got involved with the church I had a large group of acquaintances that I partied with in college. I quit talking to them when I joined the church and became very close to my "brothers and sisters". I had always been somewhat of a loner and I had never felt so accepted by a large group of ppl before. If you have read my anti-testimony you know that the church eventually "disfellowshiped" me and my "friends" in the church were not allowed to speak to me. What really bothered me about this is that NOT ONE person broke rank and tried to talk to me after the incident. These were ppl that I had spent everyday with for the past two years and they dropped me like a hot potato.

Anyhow, long story short I am pretty much a hermit now. I am very suspicious of starting friendships with ppl now (x-tian or not) and I have real trust issues. I have not met a real friend since I left the church and I do not know how long I will be plagued by this fear of abandonment. All I can say is that if I hadn't joined a church and subsequently been kicked out I would probably have a much easier time making friends.

[DarthOkkata]

Social life? What's that mean? What is this -friend- thing I keep hearing about?

 

My social life basically consists of people I know from my job. I was never really into the whole group mentality of church, and never really got all that close with anyone there.

 

I know lots of people, sometimes, on rare occasions, I'll hang out with people from my job outside of work in small groups. I don't really have any close friends, never mind a sexual or intimate relationship.

 

I like other people, it's just not something I can do every night. I get irate, and tired if I spend too much time around other people. Not that I don't enjoy doing it on occasion.

 

I'm just more productive alone for some reason, and I can keep myself entertained on my own. A lot of people think of that as anti social, but it's not really. If I go too long without talking to someone, it's just as bad as spending a week locked in a room with ten other people. My social needs are just, less. I can be quite charming if I'm in the right mood.

 

That's just religion painting people like me in a bad light, because we're not very useful for gathering new flock members. Introvert isn't a bad word, introverts are smarter than you, usually able to focus better, and longer, and tend to be less emotionally needy. It's not a synonym for 'shy' and 'anti-social'.

 

There are quite a few of us in the Atheist camp, the social requirements of religion tends to drive us off, and make us feel less welcome. Plus, we tend to think on things more, part of the reason we're able to keep ourselves so busy on our own.

[gradstu09]

My upbringing severely retarded my social skills. It is taking years, but slowly I am learning how to interact with people. I never had a social life within the church and it took a lot of time to build one afterwards.

[MathGeek]

Church or no church, my social life has always been hit and miss.

[Amethyst]

I'm not a social person per say, so it really hasn't changed much. I'm very introverted IRL.

 

I play WoW and do the occassional Star Trek club meeting, and that's probably as social as I'm going to get.

[upstarter]

Wow... were are all the extroverts? Oh yeah, they are out having a life. Just kidding. I'm a very extroverted person, I love people and need to be around people.

 

I would have to say that it was my social life that ultimately drove me out of xtianity. I went to university and started spending time with non-xtians and realized the world was full of amazing and wonderful people who I suddenly realized did not deserve to go to hell.

 

So I would say that my social life did not suffer after xtianity. If anything, my social life expanded because I was free to associate with anyone and everyone without worrying that I was going to be "lead astray".

 

H

[MesaGman]

I'm not a very social person. haven't been for ages. Especially when I was a church member.... But, I've been out and about again. And losing my shy introvert attributes.

[Jubilant]

I am not very social either and just a couple of good friends and seeing them once in awhile is all I need. The only time in my life I was more social was when we went to church and like Gabby, most people dropped us like hot potatoes or severely cut down on time spent with me. I have no friends from my old church.

 

My distrust of people came as a result of public school, which I attended all the way through. I am still friends with my best friend back then but never have any desire to go to a reunion or anything like that. People I went to school with were assholes. Try as I did, I was never once asked to go on a date but rather "ended up" with a guy during a party. Even when I did manage to get a boyfriend, I was always the one calling. Another of my friends only called me to do things when she was pissed off at her best friend but as soon as they "made up", I was put on the back-burner. I never used anyone but was used plenty. What happened after I left the faith only added to my distrust as it felt like high school all over again...act like we want and you can be "in", do something we don't and "later gator".

 

I have come to rely on myself over anyone and learned how to be happy busying myself with life, hubby and our children included. I have also taught our children to be happy in and of themselves too. Our dd is like her Dad, extroverted but she is just as happy playing in a room full of stuffed-animals, reading, writing, drawing, etc....just as hubby is happy piddling around on the guitar. Our son is more like me...leans towards the side of introverted but not in the extreme sense. Because we home educate though, I ensure that we do group activities that enable our children to be around others, and they can see and be with their friends whenever they want. They are both very happy children who do not require umpteen others around to make their lives complete. There is a reason for me having taught them to be happy in and of themselves though...when I left the faith, they lost their friends due to the *ripple* effect. At first I was devastated and angered at the parents for treating my children that way but you know what? It was a HARD life lesson, one I wish they would have not learned until they were older. However, horrible as it was, it has made them all the better...including them being non-believers. :-)

[Grandpa Harley]

Some one was kicked to death outside one of my school reunions in 2004... but since I only ever go 'home' to see my mother, my oldest friend (and my God-daughters) and read the obits and court record while having a hefty dose of Schadenfreude, I'd not say I was typical.. and I've always been of the opinion I'd sooner remove my own eyes with a teaspoon rather than socialise with the monsters I was 'educated' with...

[kozimoto]

I'm an extrovert Upstarter!

I was always a big talky friendy person. I found that being a xian narrowed that - I stopped being as open to being friends with new people b/c I was afraid that they would lead me away from gawd.

I had been warned when I became a xian that I couldn't hang out with sinners - after all, Jebus' best friends were the apostles, not the sinners! Sinner could only be your friends once they had repented... lame. I can't believe I fell for it.

 

When I left church, most of the church friends cut me off, directly or indirectly. At the very least, they were callous towards me. It was lonely and awkward at first.

But I am back amongst the diversity of the world and people and I love it!

I work with great ppl and I have a few great friends from athiest church, and some old friends... I'm alive again!

[Jubilant]

and I've always been of the opinion I'd sooner remove my own eyes with a teaspoon rather than socialise with the monsters I was 'educated' with...

 

That's exactly how I feel! You know, I was not an ugly school girl by any means but I was never a stick-figure and I did win our town pageant (Peoples Choice, Talent, Evening Gown, and Queen) but that did not help. All the kids, especially the popular ones called me "Fish Queen" and made, "I smell fish remarks" when I entered a room or came to softball practice. When I was in the 11th grade I walked into school one morning to find students and a few teachers all congregated by a wall reading something and laughing. I elbowed my way through only to see my name on a chart with other girls and was near the bottom ranking of body type, face, etc. Another girl who was ranked even lower than myself elbowed her way to and started crying loudly...it was then that one of the teachers who was standing there laughing along, yanked the chart from the wall. We were devastated. A bunch of popular boys had went to a friends the night before and put 12 girls on the chart and thought it'd be funny to put up before the bell rang. Yeah, funny for assholes, not funny for the girls like myself who were humiliated. Not one sorry came from anyone, teacher or student...not then or even after.

 

***I no longer give a crap what people think but at the same time, I'm not willing to just "follow" the masses to fit in. One either likes me or not. However, when I make friends with others, it is for life.

[Grandpa Harley]

I was left alone, since when they tried their 'alpha ape' tricks on me I'd injure one of them messily and painfully... Strange to say, the teachers never castigated me for it... but then, I was know only to use force when there ws no alternative

[gabby]

Not one sorry came from anyone, teacher or student...not then or even after.

 

This is so typical of how school teachers generally ignore it when kids are tormented by their classmates. I don't have kids but I have a nice who is around 4 yrs old. She gets teased by the other kids b/c of her glasses and her parents are recently divorced. Anyhow, the kid is having a rough go of it and that makes me mad...I mean that's a lot of crap to deal with for a 4 year old! So anyways I was able to hang out with her over the last break and I needed to drop her off at pre-school. Well she goes to an elite methodist pre-school where your standing in the school directly correlates with how much money your parents have (I mean they have a freaking waiting list for pre-school!!!). I take her into the building and I am immediately accosted by a very bitchy x-tain school teacher. "What are you doing!" she shrieked. "You are not allowed to bring children to the school during nap time!" I was like, "huh? Why are you screaming at me if you want the kids to sleep?" Anyhow, they were convinced I was the spawn of satan (I guess cause I wasn't wearing Chanel) and would not accept the kid from me. I mean I could understand being suspicious of someone trying to pick up a kid from school that you didn't know but I was trying to drop her off! Anyhow, long story short they refused to let her into her class and sent us both away (how confusing for the poor kid)...of course when her mother called 5 min later they were very apologetic...I guess you get the treatment you pay for there.

The point is, I wish I could protect my nice or at least give her the tools to be able to deal with teasing and monster teachers better than I could as a kid, but frankly I don't know what to tell her.

[Grandpa Harley]

hurt the biggest one badly and scare them...

[Vendredie]

My social life was unaffected by xtianity.

 

When I went to the community church I had 2 social lives: one at church, the other at school. Niether was very social, since I had serious issues at the time but don't so much anymore. The church one everyone stayed away from me because I wore black and came of as slightly retarded (still do occasionally, but that's only when meeting strangers) because of how I spoke (I was very shy so everything was stuttered... a lot). It was the same way at school, though at school I actually had friends. The "friends" at church were there so I wouldn't look alone. I normally talked to the adults anyway, they didn't think I sounded retarded or shy and actually treated me like an intelligent person that I know I am.

 

then again, I mostly talk to adults outside church too, I find very few who think I'm lacking in the mental department.

[Emme]

I am very suspicious of starting friendships with ppl now (x-tian or not) and I have real trust issues. I have not met a real friend since I left the church and I do not know how long I will be plagued by this fear of abandonment. All I can say is that if I hadn't joined a church and subsequently been kicked out I would probably have a much easier time making friends.

 

Oh my gawd, this is me!

[Comanche]

I've never really had a social life. I've had some close friends, but I'm pretty insanely introverted and I lose patience with people very quickly. I have almost no friends to speak of that are my age, as I honestly can't relate to people my age that well. They're either shallow, pretending to be shallow, or don't have two brain cells to rub together. Of course, it doesn't help that I'd rather watch CSPAN/Discovery/National Geographic than MTV. The only non-educational shows I can really get into are Stargate and political stand-up on Comedy Central.

 

...And, really, it doesn't bother me. I love being an oddity with no social life and a slight tendency to zone out when people start complaining about petty stuff.

[WCrystal]

I'd have to say that the social life is pretty much the same for me.

I'm still as introverted now as I was then. When I go to concerts, I go to see the band play, and I rarely talk to anyone unless the person comes up to talk to me first. Going up to talk to people freaks me out. It always has.

So yeah... it's still the same.

[smellincoffee]

One of the major reasons I probably got into fundamentalism (aside from being tricked by a Pentecostal "prophet", who I'd now call a "cold reader") was the social group. I was part of something; we went to all sorts of conferences and such. When I began realizing that religion wasn't for me, though, I also realized that it wasn't safe to just tell people -- so I kept pretending for a while. I'd stop pretending in stages, and eventually I was withdrawn from everything dealing with church. I assume they figured I was backsliding.

 

At the same time I was leaving religion, I was also learning to function like a socially healthy human being, so I started making new friends. I live at my university now and have gained friends here, as well. I anticipate making more if I'm ever able to start going to freethought group meetings or UU services.

[jdog]

I have moved around alot, so wherever I have moved to I have always met new people and get to socialise in one way or another. I have one close friend who I have known for years. I actually am fine with being alone alot, I can go days without talking on the phone or hanging out with anyone, but I am married and my husband and sons are good company, so I suppose that makes a difference. The church we attended definitely encouraged the fellowship with one another, at times I found it stifling. I like to be with people, but only when it suits me. I know I can leave my home and find people if I want to. They are out there.