Talk To Me People, I'm Upset

[Emme]

So, I got home from a lovely week at my parents, no church talk except one sly comment from my dad (oh you'd love the church your big sister attends, lots of young people).

My parents and my inlaws-to-be have met about three times and really get along. we spent a week together at my parents house this summer and had a blast, family fun. My inlaws are quiet, stoic, shy and private people, but very nice. I'm happy to have them in my extended family. In two weeks my parents and I are going to visit them at their place. Due to work my boyfriend won't be able to come.

 

So today my bf talked to his mom and she told him that they had been getting a christian newspaper for some time. It was adressed to them personally, so it couldn't be just advertising. They got curious and called the publishing house. Turns out my mother, without asking or telling had given them a subscribtion to this christian paper! My future mother-in-law thought this was "a little weird", which is her way of saying: "oh my god i'm creeped out".

 

It's just so pushy to me! so intrusive!

 

My bf also finds this weird, though he won't hurt my feelings by telling me exactly how disturbing he finds this (he is an atheist and does not believe in any supernatural beings or things).

 

I just don't know how to deal with this. My first impulse was to call my mother and yell at her for trying to evangelise my inlaws, but I don't want to create any tension as they are just getting to know each other. It took my inlaws several months to pluck up the courage to invite my parents! (They are convinced their house isn't big or good enough to harbour guests. They are really not very sociable.)

 

She knows I don't attend church. She knows bf is not a christian. what is she trying to pull? My inlaws would never confront her, they are too shy and I know she knows this too! She is a very smart capable lady.

 

Tried to tell my baby sister about this, who I always turn to when something bugs me, but she got all choked up and said "she couldn't talk about it, it took too much energy" and the turned and said I was overreacting. Am I? She is still struggling with faith, so she couldn't deal with this.

 

Now I don't know what to think. So far I haven't done anything and maybe I won't. Maybe I am overreacting, but I feel offended and sort of run over. I need some input.

[Deva]

Sounds like something my mother would pull. She had this Christian magazine coming to my house for years. Finally I got tired of throwing it away and I wrote her a letter asking to stop sending me Christian materials. She did and I didn't even have to throw a fit.

 

I don't know how close your mother lives to you - perhaps you (or even better, your future in-laws) could drop her a polite note asking her please not to renew the subscription since its not being read? Its only a newspaper - I just looked at it like junk mail that my box is filled with every Wednesday. I can understand your irritation since your mother didn't check with the recipients before ordering it, but I think it need not be a major issue unless other attempts are being made at conversion.

[Antlerman]

Tried to tell my baby sister about this, who I always turn to when something bugs me, but she got all choked up and said "she couldn't talk about it, it took too much energy" and the turned and said I was overreacting. Am I? She is still struggling with faith, so she couldn't deal with this.

 

Now I don't know what to think. So far I haven't done anything and maybe I won't. Maybe I am overreacting, but I feel offended and sort of run over. I need some input.

What is it with the presumption of some Christians!? This story sound nearly the same as a friend of mine and his wife related recently, how that his very evangelical sister-in-law signed up both of their children for a Christian publication to be sent to them - without first consulting them! She knows full well that they are not into that evangelical Christian junk like his brother and parents are, yet somehow in her mind all is permitted and squeaky clean if she's doing it for Jesus! Like somehow the Lord's pat on the head supersedes a human being's disapproval of her actions invading the privacy of their home, disrespecting their beliefs and ways of raising their own children! (The fact that she thinks her god would approve says something about that personality type).

 

Frankly, it pisses me off to no end. Are you overreacting? Hell no! It's snobby, rude, impolite, arrogant, presumptive, inconsiderate, and to top it all off - self righteous. No, you are not overreacting, and I'm sure it probably feels embarrassing to you on top of all it it. I'm sorry that type of faith breeds this sort of insincerity in human beings.

[Ouroboros]

...

Tried to tell my baby sister about this, who I always turn to when something bugs me, but she got all choked up and said "she couldn't talk about it, it took too much energy" and the turned and said I was overreacting. Am I? She is still struggling with faith, so she couldn't deal with this.

 

Now I don't know what to think. So far I haven't done anything and maybe I won't. Maybe I am overreacting, but I feel offended and sort of run over. I need some input.

No, you're not overreacting. Think about what would happen if the roles were reversed. Lets say your mom suddenly would get the "Satanist Daily" newspaper, addressed personally to her home. How would she react? Would she take it amicable or not? Would she like it or dislike it? Would she be all freaked out? I guess she wouldn't like it much at all, but feel offended and hurt. Well, would that be an overreaction on her end? Not really. We have the right to believe what we want in the modern society, but we also have the right not to be bombarded with personalized spam, directed against our beliefs (or lack thereof). Your mom doesn't want a strip joint next to her church, because it would offend her (at least I assume this). So she doesn't have more right to offend someone of a different belief anymore than other people have the right to offend hers. You need to set down and explain this to her. Don't do to others, what you don't want them do to you is what they call the Silver Rule (instead of the Golden), make her see what it really means to step over the boundaries of other peoples rights, in the sense that it opens up their right to step on hers. The offense principle states that the offensive thing should be reasonable avoidable. To get a magazine sent to you, is not reasonable avoidable, it's a direct marketing campaign. Think about these issues, and talk to her as a grown up, and without anger or resentment. Just be reasonable and rational, and a loving daughter to your mom, but correct her views, which are obviously misguided.

[gradstu09]

I would be very upset, but I agree with Deva about the way to handle this. I know for me that I would have to walk away from it for at least a day before I could attempt to deal with it calmly.

[Alice]

This must be on a list somewhere of strange things that Christians do ... my sister did the same to me as well, she bought me a year's subscription to an fundamentalist magazine that her husband was the editor of! - in the case of this particular publication I think her gift giving increased the circulation significantly

 

At the time my hubby commented that this would be like me buying her a subscription to a vegan paper or him buying them a golfing mag, when neither my sister of BIL have the slightest interest in either topic - but whilst we are aware that the things we are into are not for everyone, this perspective on the world is lost to some christians.

 

Occasionally I would inflict damage on my blood pressure by reading it but mostly it went straight into the recycling.

 

I never did raise it with her - but I might have if she had started buying subscriptions for the in-laws too. I do wonder if these mags run a 'buy one nominate someone else for a second copy for free' kind of thing?

 

I think my advice would be keep things calm and low key and don't worry about it too much.

 

I'd say something like,

 

to the in-laws, 'I know it seems weird, but I think it's just my parents way of trying to be friendly, they just assume people will be interested in the same things they are,'

 

At this present time I wouldn't say anything to your parents unless it comes up - I have a feeling they might try and 'put it right' by either apologising or worse still trying to explain why they did it and I get the impression that such a conversation would feel quite embarrassing to your in-laws.

 

Your instinct to play it down and not create tension is a good one I think.

 

If your baby sister is struggling with her faith and one sister has 'left the fold' and is going to marry an atheist, whilst the other goes to a big super church, her emotions and her loyalties are likely to be all over the place. Don't fall out with your sister - especially one you can normally turn to

[par4dcourse]

Xtians are urged, even pressed, into "spreading the good word." In your mum's eyes, she's trying to save souls. It was rude by most standards, but it sounds like something most xtian l'il old ladies would do, including mine. I would blame xtianity more than your mom.

Send her an anonymous sub from www.ffrf.org if retaliation would help.

[SWIM]

This would piss me off to no end. I would have it out with her, really. Sometimes that's the only way. Remember, it's not just a bitching out for doing it, but you need to lay some ground rules to not do it again. A little heat might go a long way toward preventing future such non-sense.

 

Best of luck to you, pisses me off too, can't stand that kinda crap.

[Emme]

If your baby sister is struggling with her faith and one sister has 'left the fold' and is going to marry an atheist, whilst the other goes to a big super church, her emotions and her loyalties are likely to be all over the place. Don't fall out with your sister - especially one you can normally turn to

 

Yes, she seems really in between worlds right now. She lives with her agnostic/bordeline atheist boyfriend and leads a non-christian life, but every time christianity is discussed she gets defensive and then switches to understanding and then back again. My sweet brother (not being sarcastic, he is genuinely nice) being a preacher in a "super church" adds to the general confusion. When i related this incident to her today, I was not very happy, but I was not being overly dramatic eighter. She felt like she had to be as offended as I was and that she had to agree with me. I really didn't ask for that, but that's how it came across to her. The fact that she reacted so strongly reminded me that she is not in the same place were I am (wherever that is). I realize I have to think about her situation as well. Thanks Alice.

[upstarter]

Yep, add me to the list. My mom sent my kids subscriptions to some Focus on the Family kids magazine. Bleck. I asked her not to renew it since the kids showed no interest in it whatsoever.

 

I agree with Alice. I'd go to the inlaws and tell them how embarrassed you are that your mom did that, but that she was probably just trying to be nice. I'm sure if your inlaws were to phone the publishers and ask that they stop sending it they would. Your parents really don't even need to know.

 

Heather

[kozimoto]

Oh Emme, that is unbelievable! What a situation!

 

I think the advice to politely tell your Mum to stop is great, but I also think that you should call or perhaps write a letter to your soon to be in-laws and let them know that you, personally, have no problem with their beliefs (or lack thereof) and that you are not in any way endorsing what your Mum did. That way at least you can put them at ease about where you stand.

[florduh]

How rude!

 

I know it was probably not with the intent to cause trouble (or was it?) but personally I need to set boundaries for people like that, be they friend or family.

 

I would nicely insist that nothing like that ever happen again or there will be consequences.

 

But I'm just a cranky old bastard.

[LtJayson]

I do not think you are out of line at all! However, some of these posts are indeed correct (there are a LOT of smart people on these boards!) Your Mom is simply doing what she is told to do in acting as a clone of the church world. In her eyes, she is being helpful to keep these people from *gasp* DAMNATION! Was she in the right? HELL NO! But, having an argument probably isn't the best way.

 

I would simply ask her to stop the subscription or whatnot. Let her know that they do not read it or that it is simply not wanted. Any rational person should understand. But, she was trying to do something "nice" in the Church world's eyes. Also, your future in-laws may want to call the publication and request that they stop sending it altogether.

[Amethyst]

I agree, it is horribly rude to subscribe people to something they don't read. Doesn't matter what the subject of the magazine is. Try calling the post office and asking them not to send the magazine no matter what anyone else says, you could just say it's junk mail, which it does amount to. You could also try sending it back to the magazine company with a "return to sender" note saying you no longer live there.

[Vigile]

You don't need to yell, but I would tell mom under no uncertain terms that she was rude, presumptive, and that her actions creeped out the future inlaws though they are too polite to say so.

 

Unless you want to walk on egg shells trying to keep peace your whole life, it's probably best to keep things out in the open and let mom know where her boundries are.

[Thurisaz]

Frankly, it pisses me off to no end. Are you overreacting? Hell no! It's snobby, rude, impolite, arrogant, presumptive, inconsiderate, and to top it all off - self righteous. No, you are not overreacting, and I'm sure it probably feels embarrassing to you on top of all it it. I'm sorry that type of faith breeds this sort of insincerity in human beings.

 

Not much to add to this. Emme, methinks the least that is in order here is a polite but clear and unmistakable hint that one should ask others for permission before sending them something that might be viewed as controversial. :angry:

 

Of course, when to send this message is another question entirely... especially when it's about close family

[ShackledNoMore]

Antlerman and HanSolo are right. That really went beyond tactless and was more of an affront to your in-laws. In my opinion, there is a fundamental difference between this and if they had simply sent a hobbyist magazine that your in-laws had no interest in: this is just a predatory evangelization attempt. I would fall in the "raise the issue with your parents" camp. I would also extend the courtesy to my in-laws of mentioning to them that I thought my parents were out of line to send the subscription and did not condone what they did.

[Emme]

you guys are great, I'm so glad I asked you before doing anything rash. I will talk to both my parents and in-laws, but I will wait a couple of days until I know how to formulate myself. This is good and charachter building, I'm not a fan of confrontations

[Ouroboros]

you guys are great, I'm so glad I asked you before doing anything rash. I will talk to both my parents and in-laws, but I will wait a couple of days until I know how to formulate myself. This is good and charachter building, I'm not a fan of confrontations

I've noticed with age when you can confront with calm and confidence, you win the second you step into the room. If you can't do it calmly, then it's usually better to wait and regain it. (Unless it's critical)

[ogilvy]

So, I got home from a lovely week at my parents, no church talk except one sly comment from my dad (oh you'd love the church your big sister attends, lots of young people).

My parents and my inlaws-to-be have met about three times and really get along. we spent a week together at my parents house this summer and had a blast, family fun. My inlaws are quiet, stoic, shy and private people, but very nice. I'm happy to have them in my extended family. In two weeks my parents and I are going to visit them at their place. Due to work my boyfriend won't be able to come.

 

So today my bf talked to his mom and she told him that they had been getting a christian newspaper for some time. It was adressed to them personally, so it couldn't be just advertising. They got curious and called the publishing house. Turns out my mother, without asking or telling had given them a subscribtion to this christian paper! My future mother-in-law thought this was "a little weird", which is her way of saying: "oh my god i'm creeped out".

 

It's just so pushy to me! so intrusive!

 

My bf also finds this weird, though he won't hurt my feelings by telling me exactly how disturbing he finds this (he is an atheist and does not believe in any supernatural beings or things).

 

I just don't know how to deal with this. My first impulse was to call my mother and yell at her for trying to evangelise my inlaws, but I don't want to create any tension as they are just getting to know each other. It took my inlaws several months to pluck up the courage to invite my parents! (They are convinced their house isn't big or good enough to harbour guests. They are really not very sociable.)

 

She knows I don't attend church. She knows bf is not a christian. what is she trying to pull? My inlaws would never confront her, they are too shy and I know she knows this too! She is a very smart capable lady.

 

Tried to tell my baby sister about this, who I always turn to when something bugs me, but she got all choked up and said "she couldn't talk about it, it took too much energy" and the turned and said I was overreacting. Am I? She is still struggling with faith, so she couldn't deal with this.

 

Now I don't know what to think. So far I haven't done anything and maybe I won't. Maybe I am overreacting, but I feel offended and sort of run over. I need some input.

 

 

if it was me, i'd want to let the inlaws know, directly or through b/f, that you yourself disagree with what your mother did, so at least they won't have that opinion of you. kind of like apologize for your mother?

[xequar]

I guess I don't have a whole lot to add, as previous posters have done a great job with this one.

 

I'm actually kind of in a similar boat... My grandmother, now that she has my email address, keeps forwarding me Xian crap. Most of it is pretty easily ignored, but the video about Oprah and her "false church" kind of got me a bit. What made it stand out was that normally, she just spams everyone in her address book, but in this case, she sent it to only two people: Me (the grandson that she actually knows is gay) and my cousin (that dropped out of the seminary and that she doesn't know is gay). Now I'm trying to decide if I should send along an email politely telling her I'm not Xian any longer, or if I should just ignore it like the others. Am I making too much of this?

[Mongo]

I can only repeat what others have said in my own way.

 

I think I would call the inlaws and express embarassment at your parent's action. This tells them not to suspect you of being off kilter.

 

With a show of great willingness, I'd offer to assist in sending a letter to the magazine to decline the subscription.

 

I'd also ask them if they would like me to talk to your parents about it immediately, after the visit or never. Their choice.

 

I think what is key is that, you help the inlaws to deal with it in a way that makes them comfortable and the "what" is different for everyone so talk to them. Their reaction suggests they are decent folk.

 

I think that approach would show them that you have character and grace.

 

Mongo

[Antlerman]

I guess I don't have a whole lot to add, as previous posters have done a great job with this one.

 

I'm actually kind of in a similar boat... My grandmother, now that she has my email address, keeps forwarding me Xian crap. Most of it is pretty easily ignored, but the video about Oprah and her "false church" kind of got me a bit. What made it stand out was that normally, she just spams everyone in her address book, but in this case, she sent it to only two people: Me (the grandson that she actually knows is gay) and my cousin (that dropped out of the seminary and that she doesn't know is gay). Now I'm trying to decide if I should send along an email politely telling her I'm not Xian any longer, or if I should just ignore it like the others. Am I making too much of this?

Well granny probably doesn't comprehend people not wanting all things Christian. It's like declaring you're against law and order and all things moral. I'm sure she just views them as a little "confused" or "lost" and that this will help bring some light into their confused lives. In her mind they're still good Christians, just a little confused. In short I guess I wonder the wisdom of trying to get someone of an older generation (assuming 80's here), to understand or appreciate the context of more modern issues. Someone in their 50's or even 60's would have an easier time relating than granny would understanding it. To be an atheist is to say you're not an American! And so forth.

 

You can always just say they're catholic now. That usually stops a protestant in their tracks. Of course, that might be more a shock to the system than saying you're atheist!

[SWIM]

You can always just say they're catholic now. That usually stops a protestant in their tracks. Of course, that might be more a shock to the system than saying you're atheist!

 

LOL From all the RCC on my dad's side, and all the baptists on the wife's side, ohhh yeah... The RCC to a baptist is worse then atheist indeed!

[Eric_PK]

Christians have this bizarre notion of the golden rule - they see it as "do unto others as you would have them to do to you", and therefore think "I would like this paper, therefore *they* will like this paper".

 

I've seen this a lot, and I think it partially stems from either an inability or an unwillingness to consider that others aren't christians. They may or may not be church-goers, but everybody believes in god.