Finally Breaking Free

[xequar]

I don't know if this is a testimony or my life's story, but I thank you for the opportunity to post it.

 

I think I'm finally beginning to get a glimpse of just how much mental harm Xianity has caused me over the years... or perhaps more appropriately, how much harm it has caused me to cause myself. My parents have never been overly religious, but I did go to Sunday School as a kid and I had to do the two years of confirmation classes so I could take communion, and I got really suckered in by the events of the youth group and whatnot. I grew up in a conservative small town in rural Michigan in the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod, which is probably the most conservative of the Lutheran flavors, complete with anti-gay rhetoric and all the bible inerrancy crap. Thanks to the small town environment and all the bible brainwashing, for years I tried to suppress and change the fact that I'm gay. For awhile I was one of those self-loathing homophobe types and thought I was "doing the Lord's work."

 

I guess the whole religion thing started to fall apart for me in 2004... My life had basically come apart, as I had lost my student aid with six months of internship credits for which I had to pay, my car had died, I was making intern wages living with three people that were the very definition of bad roommates, I was trying to be straight... Like I said, all bad. So, of course I turned to god, and I was shocked to find out that "God" couldn't be bothered to get off his fat, lazy ass to even give me a bit of encouragement. And that's when I started to realize that there must not be a god. Thanks to years of self-induced Xian brainwashing, I was suddenly adrift and alone in the world, and when stacked on top of my already almost crippling depression, I nearly killed myself (I got as far as loading the gun).

 

I don't know what pulled me back into the church. Maybe it was me trying to find that something the church had provided. Honestly though, I think it was more like an abuse victim going back to the abuser because they're so battered and lacking confidence that they don't know any better. I genuinely feared hell, and like an abusive spouse, Xianity told me it was the only good thing in my life and that without it, I'd be nothing. But, I also started really paying attention at church and reading my bible, thinking maybe there was something in there that would be the answer.

 

As it turns out, I was correct, but not in the way I had imagined at the time. As I started paying attention to the church sermons, started reading my bible, started paying attention to the people of the church and the world around me, I began to realize that it was all crap. I was attending a church where they talked about all these sins and yet the people were corpulent gossips. Once a month the financial statements of the church were paraded in front of the congregation with big negative numbers, and then we would be admonished about not giving enough to support the church and all of the "important" ministry work there was. I would hear about the "grace of god," and yet if (a VERY big if) there is a god, he apparently couldn't be troubled with the problems of his followers enough to get off his ass to do anything to help.

 

As I kept reading the bible, beginning to look at it from a new perspective, I began to realize that the bible god is kind of an asshole, and that if "god" wanted the bible to be the penultimate compendium of his word, he really should have hired better writers and proofreaders. I couldn't reconcile turning on the news and seeing more murders (I live in metro Detroit) and hurricanes and 911 with there being a loving god. My divorce from Xianity continued, and as I began to regain confidence in the world and draw strength from good Atheist friends I had made, I finally got the courage to come out of the closet.

 

And that's what sealed the deal. I had been hardly going to church at that point, finding it to be mostly a waste of time, but I went one last time. After the service, I stepped into the pastor's office and revealed that I'm gay. In what proved to be possibly the most illuminating moment in my life, I witnessed the pastor, with whom I previously had a pretty decent relationship, that had known me for three years (there was a church change associated with moving in there I glossed over), that knew I normally sat on the left side toward the back closest to the aisle, transform for the briefest of moments. When I told him that I'm gay, the reaction, however brief, was as though I had suddenly unzipped my Al suit and revealed a horrible monster. That was the final straw. That was the moment that I finally accepted for real, 100%, all-in, that Xianity was a sham, that it was completely worthless to me, and that it had held me back as a person for far, far too long. That was the moment I finally got the courage and strength to leave my abuser and break off the abusive relationship that is Xianity forever. That was about a year ago.

 

Now, I guess I'd call myself an Agnostic Atheist, but whatever label is apprpriate, I'm finally free from Xianity's abusive grasp and each day, I work on healing the emotional wounds and scars that Xianity inflicted on my and caused me to inflict onto myself. I feel like I'm finally seeing the world in color for the first time and that the world is alive with possibility. I feel for the first time that my life actually has value, instead of just being a slave to some crazy whackjob diety that will throw me into a vat of fire if my worship isn't sincere enough. I've told my parents that I'm no longer a Xian, and although I know it makes my mom uncomfortable to think that I don't believe in god, she also responded with a comment that religions are nothing but cults. I suppose the summarizing sentence I will use here is that, after 25 years of life on this planet, I finally started to live an authentic life, instead of a life of fear and slavery to some batshit-insane deity.

[MathGeek]

Welcome here, xequar.

 

You are among friends.

[Robbobrob]

Welcome. They can't get you here.....without being pummelled for their troubles.

[Guest thinking lou]

i'll drink to that, buddy. welcome!

[Mysteries' Child]

*hug*

 

I'm glad you're out, and be as welcome as someone who's been here less than a week can make you.

 

I'm some kind of Theist, myself...

 

...a believer in some kind of Creator, anyway...

 

...and I cannot understand why, if this Creator is the raving homophobe that Christianity makes out, so many people have been created, well, GAY.

 

First guess?? [God] has a purpose and a reason-- 'gay' is in fact just as 'Godly' as 'straight'-- and a great deal of religion JUST DOESN'T GET IT.

 

Go friggin' figure.

 

At any rate, welcome and be blessed. You are wonderful, just the way you are.

[Archangel]

Thanks for posting, I am about the same age as you and was likewise driven into deep depression and uncomfortably close to suicide when the 'god of all comfort and peace' left me stranded, and it slowly dawned on me that he never even existed. How cruel to be taught all along that this god will always rescue us in our 'time of need' if we surrender all of ourselves to believing the bible and worshiping and following him (for YEARS)...only to be abandoned when we most need him. Few things are more cruel than giving someone false hope, much less instutionalizing and peddling it so that multitudes more can experience the same pain that you and I and many here have gone through.

 

I haven't overcome the fear of "what will they think of me?" in regard to revealing my newfound atheism, every story I read where someone has been brave enough to do it gives me a little more courage and brings me a step closer. I am afraid of being abandoned by pretty much everyone I know, because it is sure to be more painful to be abandoned by real people than being abandoned by a nonexistent sky-god.

[xequar]

Thanks for posting, I am about the same age as you and was likewise driven into deep depression and uncomfortably close to suicide when the 'god of all comfort and peace' left me stranded, and it slowly dawned on me that he never even existed. How cruel to be taught all along that this god will always rescue us in our 'time of need' if we surrender all of ourselves to believing the bible and worshiping and following him (for YEARS)...only to be abandoned when we most need him. Few things are more cruel than giving someone false hope, much less instutionalizing and peddling it so that multitudes more can experience the same pain that you and I and many here have gone through.

 

I haven't overcome the fear of "what will they think of me?" in regard to revealing my newfound atheism, every story I read where someone has been brave enough to do it gives me a little more courage and brings me a step closer. I am afraid of being abandoned by pretty much everyone I know, because it is sure to be more painful to be abandoned by real people than being abandoned by a nonexistent sky-god.

*hugs*

 

If I may, I ask you to consider this. What power do these people have over you? If there are people that are claiming to be friends, yet can't accept you as an Atheist, then their friendship is, at the very least, suspect and, at the very most, false. Likewise, you might share genetic material with family, but it's really all in how members of a family EXERCISE that familial bond that matters. If your family would be so cold and crass as to reject you for your beliefs, then obviously they're not as much family as the term would indicate. Family is what you make of it, and if members of your family choose to weaken and denigrate what it means to be family because you've come to believe differently than they, I would assert that it's their loss.

 

One good thing I will say for bible god "abandoning" me is that I realized I have to be my own person and I have to live an authentic life, and whoever can't accept me as I am isn't going to be allowed in the car to come along for the ride anymore.

 

Whatever you decide, I hope for the best for you!

[Guest eejay]

The fact that god doesn't show up when you need hin the most, is quite often the thing that seals the deal for many people, myself included. I could go on and on with all the things that have happened and all the prayers, rosaries and novenas said, with no result. It is all bullshit and I feel wonderful that I am not taken in by it in any way.

[Mike D]

Welcome Xeguar, your testimony sounds a lot like mine. Also gay, brought up in a conservative fundie church, played straight, hated myself for being gay blah blah blah. I prayed many times to the Great and Powerful Jebus asking him to take it away and make me straight, but instead of helping me out he decided to give me the Jesus Bitch Slap ™ and ignore me. I still tried to remain a Christian after that for years (out of fear of hell more than anything), but after a lot of thinking, and taking a very hard look at Christianity and religion as a whole, I came to the conclusion that it was all bunk and even the whole concept of "god" started to seem a little irrational. I was so completely tired of the stress and depression that it caused me for so many years and so I threw my Bible in the garbage. Now I can't imagine why any gay person would want to be a Christian. It's like a Jew wanting to be a Nazi or something... it just makes no sense.

 

Anyway enjoy your stay here.

[Trev]

I don't know if this is a testimony or my life's story, but I thank you for the opportunity to post it.

 

I think I'm finally beginning to get a glimpse of just how much mental harm Xianity has caused me over the years... or perhaps more appropriately, how much harm it has caused me to cause myself. My parents have never been overly religious, but I did go to Sunday School as a kid and I had to do the two years of confirmation classes so I could take communion, and I got really suckered in by the events of the youth group and whatnot. I grew up in a conservative small town in rural Michigan in the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod, which is probably the most conservative of the Lutheran flavors, complete with anti-gay rhetoric and all the bible inerrancy crap. Thanks to the small town environment and all the bible brainwashing, for years I tried to suppress and change the fact that I'm gay. For awhile I was one of those self-loathing homophobe types and thought I was "doing the Lord's work."

 

I guess the whole religion thing started to fall apart for me in 2004... My life had basically come apart, as I had lost my student aid with six months of internship credits for which I had to pay, my car had died, I was making intern wages living with three people that were the very definition of bad roommates, I was trying to be straight... Like I said, all bad. So, of course I turned to god, and I was shocked to find out that "God" couldn't be bothered to get off his fat, lazy ass to even give me a bit of encouragement. And that's when I started to realize that there must not be a god. Thanks to years of self-induced Xian brainwashing, I was suddenly adrift and alone in the world, and when stacked on top of my already almost crippling depression, I nearly killed myself (I got as far as loading the gun).

 

I don't know what pulled me back into the church. Maybe it was me trying to find that something the church had provided. Honestly though, I think it was more like an abuse victim going back to the abuser because they're so battered and lacking confidence that they don't know any better. I genuinely feared hell, and like an abusive spouse, Xianity told me it was the only good thing in my life and that without it, I'd be nothing. But, I also started really paying attention at church and reading my bible, thinking maybe there was something in there that would be the answer.

 

As it turns out, I was correct, but not in the way I had imagined at the time. As I started paying attention to the church sermons, started reading my bible, started paying attention to the people of the church and the world around me, I began to realize that it was all crap. I was attending a church where they talked about all these sins and yet the people were corpulent gossips. Once a month the financial statements of the church were paraded in front of the congregation with big negative numbers, and then we would be admonished about not giving enough to support the church and all of the "important" ministry work there was. I would hear about the "grace of god," and yet if (a VERY big if) there is a god, he apparently couldn't be troubled with the problems of his followers enough to get off his ass to do anything to help.

 

As I kept reading the bible, beginning to look at it from a new perspective, I began to realize that the bible god is kind of an asshole, and that if "god" wanted the bible to be the penultimate compendium of his word, he really should have hired better writers and proofreaders. I couldn't reconcile turning on the news and seeing more murders (I live in metro Detroit) and hurricanes and 911 with there being a loving god. My divorce from Xianity continued, and as I began to regain confidence in the world and draw strength from good Atheist friends I had made, I finally got the courage to come out of the closet.

 

And that's what sealed the deal. I had been hardly going to church at that point, finding it to be mostly a waste of time, but I went one last time. After the service, I stepped into the pastor's office and revealed that I'm gay. In what proved to be possibly the most illuminating moment in my life, I witnessed the pastor, with whom I previously had a pretty decent relationship, that had known me for three years (there was a church change associated with moving in there I glossed over), that knew I normally sat on the left side toward the back closest to the aisle, transform for the briefest of moments. When I told him that I'm gay, the reaction, however brief, was as though I had suddenly unzipped my Al suit and revealed a horrible monster. That was the final straw. That was the moment that I finally accepted for real, 100%, all-in, that Xianity was a sham, that it was completely worthless to me, and that it had held me back as a person for far, far too long. That was the moment I finally got the courage and strength to leave my abuser and break off the abusive relationship that is Xianity forever. That was about a year ago.

 

Now, I guess I'd call myself an Agnostic Atheist, but whatever label is apprpriate, I'm finally free from Xianity's abusive grasp and each day, I work on healing the emotional wounds and scars that Xianity inflicted on my and caused me to inflict onto myself. I feel like I'm finally seeing the world in color for the first time and that the world is alive with possibility. I feel for the first time that my life actually has value, instead of just being a slave to some crazy whackjob diety that will throw me into a vat of fire if my worship isn't sincere enough. I've told my parents that I'm no longer a Xian, and although I know it makes my mom uncomfortable to think that I don't believe in god, she also responded with a comment that religions are nothing but cults. I suppose the summarizing sentence I will use here is that, after 25 years of life on this planet, I finally started to live an authentic life, instead of a life of fear and slavery to some batshit-insane deity.

 

hello and welcome . Good on you for having the confidence to recognise that you are gay and coming out to your ex-pastor. I'm bisexual so I (half know? lol) how you feel. And as I like to say, when you come to the end of God, you come to the start of yourself.

[xequar]

Welcome Xeguar, your testimony sounds a lot like mine. Also gay, brought up in a conservative fundie church, played straight, hated myself for being gay blah blah blah. I prayed many times to the Great and Powerful Jebus asking him to take it away and make me straight, but instead of helping me out he decided to give me the Jesus Bitch Slap and ignore me. I still tried to remain a Christian after that for years (out of fear of hell more than anything), but after a lot of thinking, and taking a very hard look at Christianity and religion as a whole, I came to the conclusion that it was all bunk and even the whole concept of "god" started to seem a little irrational. I was so completely tired of the stress and depression that it caused me for so many years and so I threw my Bible in the garbage. Now I can't imagine why any gay person would want to be a Christian. It's like a Jew wanting to be a Nazi or something... it just makes no sense.

 

Anyway enjoy your stay here.

Wow, it's like you're a long-lost sibling *hugs*

 

And yeah, after coming out, I can't understand at all how anyone can be gay and Christian, and in the case of a close friend, gay and Catholic. It honestly boggles my mind.

[alpha centauri]

Hello, xequar and welcome!

 

My deconversion from Christianity also came about because I started reading the Bible much more thoroughly. It's amazing how completely messed up this bible god and his followers appear after the blinders come off.

 

I'm glad you found this forum, and I hope you make yourself at home here.

 

All the best,

 

Alpha Centauri

[jackbauer]

Thanks for posting, I am about the same age as you and was likewise driven into deep depression and uncomfortably close to suicide when the 'god of all comfort and peace' left me stranded, and it slowly dawned on me that he never even existed. How cruel to be taught all along that this god will always rescue us in our 'time of need' if we surrender all of ourselves to believing the bible and worshiping and following him (for YEARS)...only to be abandoned when we most need him. Few things are more cruel than giving someone false hope, much less instutionalizing and peddling it so that multitudes more can experience the same pain that you and I and many here have gone through.

 

I haven't overcome the fear of "what will they think of me?" in regard to revealing my newfound atheism, every story I read where someone has been brave enough to do it gives me a little more courage and brings me a step closer. I am afraid of being abandoned by pretty much everyone I know, because it is sure to be more painful to be abandoned by real people than being abandoned by a nonexistent sky-god.

 

Yup, what's even more sinister than false hope is making one feel that without Jeebus, one will be completely worthless and demanding that Gawd and Jeebus's demands be put before people you can actually see. And then come up with bullshit reasons as to why god never revealed himself. I literally want to pounce on anyone who continues to push this harmful belief system when one has found hope and solice in just accepting things the way they are instead of searching for that invisible pot of gold.

[Mike D]

Wow, it's like you're a long-lost sibling *hugs*

I think you might be right. In your testimony you said: ""God" couldn't be bothered to get off his fat, lazy ass". That is SO something I would say!

[dunany77]

I don't know if this is a testimony or my life's story, but I thank you for the opportunity to post it.

 

I think I'm finally beginning to get a glimpse of just how much mental harm Xianity has caused me over the years... or perhaps more appropriately, how much harm it has caused me to cause myself.

 

 

Welcome and congratulations for getting out of xianity. I've only been here a few days but it's a great place to vent and see how other people are going through their deconversion.

 

I totally agree with you about finally seeing how much harm we caused ourselves for believing the big lie. For me, I can't believe how much of a homophobe I was and how I thought people were gay specifically to reject jesus . Of course a the time I would never have admitted to being homophobic because I "loved the sinner but hated the sin", but now I can look back and see clearly that it was hatred and fear disguised as a good intention to "save" people from themselves. The fact that christians see homosexuality as a sin in the first place screams of homophobia, hatred and fear.

 

I can hardly count the number of sermons I sat through about how god always waits for a society to become inundated with homosexuality before he destroys it, ie Sodom and Gomorrah - or more recently New Orleans. There is such a culture of self-righteous pride in the church that thinks the more gay the world gets, the closer we are to the end of the world and the judgment of all the sinners. I have to admit that I was one of those stupid, fucking idiots that actually saw 911 as a judgment poured out from heaven, and a warning of things to come. Some days I can't believe it was actually me that thought those things and talked casually with other christians about it.

 

I have yet to meet a gay person since I abandoned madness for reason, but I have this incredible urge to scream "please, please forgive me for all the stuff I said/thought/did as a christian that was hurtful or offensive towards homosexuals!" (or Muslim, or Jewish, or Wiccan, or not christian!). What a stupid religion, to turn people against others who are 'different'.

 

I can't imagine the emotional and psychological suffering you had to endure (and are enduring) for the sake of god/the church/the bible. I can only commend you for having the courage to reject it all and just be yourself. I hope this forum helps you as much as it is helping me.

 

Cheers!

[Guest eejay]

I don't know if this is a testimony or my life's story, but I thank you for the opportunity to post it.

 

I think I'm finally beginning to get a glimpse of just how much mental harm Xianity has caused me over the years... or perhaps more appropriately, how much harm it has caused me to cause myself.

 

 

Welcome and congratulations for getting out of xianity. I've only been here a few days but it's a great place to vent and see how other people are going through their deconversion.

 

I totally agree with you about finally seeing how much harm we caused ourselves for believing the big lie. For me, I can't believe how much of a homophobe I was and how I thought people were gay specifically to reject jesus . Of course a the time I would never have admitted to being homophobic because I "loved the sinner but hated the sin", but now I can look back and see clearly that it was hatred and fear disguised as a good intention to "save" people from themselves. The fact that christians see homosexuality as a sin in the first place screams of homophobia, hatred and fear.

 

I can hardly count the number of sermons I sat through about how god always waits for a society to become inundated with homosexuality before he destroys it, ie Sodom and Gomorrah - or more recently New Orleans. There is such a culture of self-righteous pride in the church that thinks the more gay the world gets, the closer we are to the end of the world and the judgment of all the sinners. I have to admit that I was one of those stupid, fucking idiots that actually saw 911 as a judgment poured out from heaven, and a warning of things to come. Some days I can't believe it was actually me that thought those things and talked casually with other christians about it.

 

I have yet to meet a gay person since I abandoned madness for reason, but I have this incredible urge to scream "please, please forgive me for all the stuff I said/thought/did as a christian that was hurtful or offensive towards homosexuals!" (or Muslim, or Jewish, or Wiccan, or not christian!). What a stupid religion, to turn people against others who are 'different'.

 

I can't imagine the emotional and psychological suffering you had to endure (and are enduring) for the sake of god/the church/the bible. I can only commend you for having the courage to reject it all and just be yourself. I hope this forum helps you as much as it is helping me.

 

Cheers!

Stories like your turnaround are just the kind that makes me feel we may have some hope. Thanks!!! And welcome to Ex-C

[♦ nivek ♦]

xequar...

 

Welcome to ExC. Gonna find a lotta folks walking along the path you have chose to take.

 

I'm one of the rabble, rousing, assholes who insist folks take on the responsibility of taking care of themselves.

You've come a long way to start that part of process for yourself, sounds like you've make decisions and gone directions that needed to be done.

 

ExC exists for you and the hundreds of those with and like you who need a spot to land, if for a short while, or make a home here.

 

Pull up your seat, and enjoy joining in.

 

kevinL