How To Be Nice

[Guest mamamia]

Hello All,

 

I am wondering if any of you have had any luck staying on friendly terms with people from your old churches. I went to my husband's church for a while and made some nice aquaintences. Every few weeks someone checks in with me. I am getting tired of this. I emailed one woman and told her that I am fine, I'm just not comfortable with the views of that church. And she seemed okay with that. Now there's another woman. She called the other day and left a voicemail that god had really been putting it on her heart to call me. I didn't call back. I didn't know what to say. She's really nice and sincere i'm sure, but, I don't want to offend her. So while I was procrasinating in calling her back she sent me a xian ecard saying the same thing and asking me to call her. Then last night, another email from yet another person saying they've missed me at church and am I okay. My husband still goes to this church and sees these people. I asked him to explain that I am perfectly happy. I have just chosen to not attend that church. Of course he says they are just trying to help me and he won't stop them. I know these people are nice and I want to be friendly when i see them. I see them around town often and it is always awkward. I try to keep it vague, but they seem to question a lot. Thanks! - mama

[par4dcourse]

Xtians are notoriously persistant and are urged by their faith leaders to "spread the good news" so a showdown of some degree is inevitable. You can calmly and gently explain that your views no longer reflect theirs, but knowing the mindset, it's not likely to slow the "checking in." The xtian faith is losing numbers despite their best efforts at recruiting, and they hate to "lose" one. Rudeness is sometimes inevitable for the clueless.

Good luck.

 

--Larry

[Christopher Carrion]

This isn't really the same thing, as I have never been Christian as such, but I am very good friends with a family of Jehvoah's Witnesses who live across the road from me. This came about principally because they have a son who is quite severely mentally disabled whom I have been taking out on day trips etc since university. They are fully aware of my anti-religious stance, and we have some fairly fun debates and a couple of well-meaning jibes about it with one another.

 

But we are still friends. The friendship merely functions on a variety of levels, and when differences of opinion come up, we discuss them calmly, and under an ethos of mutual respect. It works.

 

That said, there are people who just aren't willing to enter into such a situation, and will bend every inch of their energy to cowing and undermining you, in which instance it is probably better to just get out of dodge.

[mwc]

I didn't know what to say. She's really nice and sincere i'm sure, but, I don't want to offend her. So while I was procrasinating in calling her back she sent me a xian ecard saying the same thing and asking me to call her. Then last night, another email from yet another person saying they've missed me at church and am I okay. My husband still goes to this church and sees these people. I asked him to explain that I am perfectly happy. I have just chosen to not attend that church. Of course he says they are just trying to help me and he won't stop them. I know these people are nice and I want to be friendly when i see them.

That part I put in bold is your problem.

 

What if you had a salesman, or rather several salesmen, doing these things to you? What if they even worked at the same company your husband worked at? Would it still be okay? Would you be a little more willing to "offend?" Would you be a little more demanding of your husband to get them to stop? I think you would.

 

They are salesmen trying to foist their product onto you and you need to make it crystal clear that you are not interested in what they're offering. To go away and leave you along. Period. If you do not then they will continue to pester you. If you feel better about it then lie and tell them you joined another church but tell them you don't wish to tell them which church you joined as that's a personal decision. But one way or another make it clear you're not coming back to their church...ever.

 

mwc

[decafaholic]

mamamia,

 

count yourself lucky . At least the people care enought to call! I've attended our church for almost 5 years, been a tithing member and involved in numerous ministries. I had a number of aquaintances and some a bit closer than that. Since I stopped going about a month ago, not one call. My wife and kids still go, and i know she has told a number of people including at least one of the pastors. Maybe I should count my "blessings"?

 

LOL- that's my story too! I was new in town and had been attending a very small local church (and been very involved) for a few semesters, tithing of course. Then after the pastor and I had a conversation about how I lost my faith (and he wasn't too happy about it) I didn't go back. Remember, it's a small church, small town and everyone at church knew me. After I left, NO ONE from the church ever asked me why I left. I see these people while shopping, occasionally at college, and they say Hi but no one has ever mentioned my leaving. WEIRD.

[jdog]

Hi Mamamia,

similar here, I stopped going to church a couple of months ago, and I have received phone calls and e-mails. Only one has actually asked me if I am going to come back. All have just said they have missed me, and asked how I and my family is etc..just general chit chat. My husband stopped going aswell, his reasons are different to mine. I have been reserved about letting my reason for leaving be known, I just don't want to get into a discussion with anyone about it. So I am polite, keep things short and sweet. I just don't feel I owe anyone an explanation, I am not really close to anyone in particular. I had been going to this particular church less than 2 years. If someone really persisted and asked me questions, then I believe I would tell them exactly what has been going on with me.

 

Maybe the situation is a little different for you because your husband continues to go, I am sure the church goers are going to ask him about you and offer their advice and prayers. Is your husband going to abstain from discussing you with others?

If your church is anything like the one I attended you know people at church pray for the spouses who do not attend church, family members, anyone who isn't saved, or who have strayed, etc...So expect your ears to be burning 'cuz you know your name is on their list.

 

I don't know what to advise you, I don't know how persistent these folk are being with you, if it is just an occasional call, or a bump into them now and again, I would say just be polite and keep it short and sweet, like I said, we really don't need to give anyone an explanation and I am sure they will fade away and leave you alone. If they are being persistent and a pain in the rear, then you will have to be assertive and just tell them straight what is going on with you. There is no need for you to have to put up with any invasion into your private life.

[Taphophilia]

mama

 

I agree with mwc. These people have no problem invading your space. They walk all over your boundaries, as if they own them, but you don't want to offend them. I think this is the thing that has been drilled into us and often hard to break, is that others feelings are more important than our own. You don't have to tell them anything, even if they ask. You own your feelings and thoughts, other people have no right to them unless you choose. The other thing I'm wondering is what the hell is your husband telling them?

 

The broken record technique always works:

 

"It's a private matter, I do not wish to discuss it"

 

Anything they ask or say about anything that is none of their business, say it.

[Christopher Carrion]

Mamamia,

 

If you really don't want to talk to them, get caller-ID, and treat them like phone sales people or bill collectors, just let the answering machine take the calls. Pretty soon, they will get the message. It may take a year or so but eventually the message does sink in.

 

Either that, or just forcibly lay out the situation for them when they do call:

 

"Look, if you're calling for a legitimate reason, then fine, go ahead and talk, but if it's just to unload your neurotic nonsense, then forget it; don't talk, and don't call here again until you have something of relevance to say."

[ogilvy]

Hello All,

 

I am wondering if any of you have had any luck staying on friendly terms with people from your old churches. I went to my husband's church for a while and made some nice aquaintences. Every few weeks someone checks in with me. I am getting tired of this. I emailed one woman and told her that I am fine, I'm just not comfortable with the views of that church. And she seemed okay with that. Now there's another woman. She called the other day and left a voicemail that god had really been putting it on her heart to call me. I didn't call back. I didn't know what to say. She's really nice and sincere i'm sure, but, I don't want to offend her.

 

actually, speaking from the same experience, its better NOT to stay on too friendly terms. its good you didnt call that lady back. dont call them back. thankfully, these days i've overcome my habit of scrupulous politeness, and taken to being very hard to reach. theres a lady from my ex church whose 'job' it is to stay in contact, and she leaves notes under my door every few weeks. i've let a couple of the church people know that i dont wish to have visitors, and i just dont answer the door now except to my lawnmowing guy! i dont care if people guess that i'm home and not answering the door, because why would i want to answer it 'to be polite', and thus encourage them to keep doing it. i dont really feel its impolite anyway. i have the right to not answer my door, as much they have the right to knock on it. what i do when i meet someone from church in the street is pointedly ignore the fact that i've left the church and they might be wondering why. i've found that most people dont really want to bring it up, so that suits me fine. if someone does ask why, i respect that, its a fair question, and tell them the truth. theres nothing really they can argue with, as i say that God is cruel to send people to hell. that is cruel. most of them also arent comfortable about the concept of God sending people to hell, so how can they disapprove of my stance? nobody has an answer to it, and thats the end of the discussion. if someone gives me a reasonable explanation of how God can be loving and send people to hell, i will be happy to return to church!

anyway, seems like you have been polite, but its better not to be too polite, to the extent that you're under stress, better for them to be slightly offended or put out, than for your state of mind to suffer. that's very valid in my opinion.

[MonolithTMA]

I'm still friends with all of my Christian friends, in fact most of my best friends are Christians, some incredibly active in the church. The thing is that they know me and love me, they know that I am the same person, that I am not going to run off and become a drug dealer or a rapist or something. I had brunch with my friend Ben the other day, here's his MySpace page: http://www.myspace.com/benjaminpayneworship We talked face to face about my deconversion and it was a great talk. We had only really emailed about it before then. He told me that he commented to his wife that he and I have had more discussions about spiritual matters since my deconversion than we've had in a long time. He's never the least bit preachy and yet his faith is part of his core being.

[marie]

If it were me, I'd gently, but plainly, tell her the truth, and then leave it in her court. If she's sincerely a friend, she'll stick around and deal with your differences. If she's just love-bombing you on command from the church, she'll drop you like a hot potato. Either way, you'll know where you stand.

[♦ nivek ♦]

mamma,

 

I am the not_so_nice kinda jerk with this sort of situation. For me "peace" is "not doing war". "War" consists of jerkoffs who have to peddle their various brands and kinds of bullshavings when I would prefer they not be so involved in my personal spaces.

 

"FOAD", "Fuck Off And Die" works well for me, however may be a tad strong for your situations.

 

Simply telling those folks who have to invade spaces and take up your increasingly valuable time to "Please leave me alone with "x" " is often a good start. Use your personality and comfort zone with words to tell them to leave youa nd yours the hell alone, but give those intruders NO wiggle room.

 

"No, I am not interested in Weds night quilting and basketball weaving!" "I am not interested in attending late Saturday morning hedgehog baptismal services.... Really!"

 

No room for them to think: "Om mamma *means..*"

 

I hate those nice folks, it is hard to be hard core pissed at the well intended fools.. Unless you are me.

 

kL

[hereticzero]

A friend of mine does truck stop ministries, revivals, all the holy rolling things xtians do, he does twice as much. He still, to this day, cannot keep it in his head that I am not of the xtian church and he calls and sends e-mail to me all the time. I got tired of telling him i did not believe in it so I just let him rant about the church. The idea to him that someone could leave the church is just too much for his brain to handle.

[R. S. Martin]

I've been thinking as I read the last batch of posts in this thead (from pippa_wonders down). About a year ago I decided to take that kind of stand with my family. I have returned letters and gifts. About a week ago I initiated a telephone call with one sister (in response to a post card) and explained that I needed space for a few years to figure out who I am. My point is, after a year of quietly but firmly sending the message that I have boundaries that WILL NOT BE VIOLATED, I am getting more respect. (Maybe not love, but in my case all I'm asking for is to be allowed to live my own life in peace without abusive intrusions.) Seems some others here are having the same kind of experience, i.e. more respect after setting firm boundaries. I find that strange. But it's good to know that there is a point at which they will back off.

[Vomit Comet]

So far, I've avoided pretty much all of them except for my best friend, who doesn't give a shit and who is now living with his unbelieving girlfriend. There's my brother but we have yet to have a confrontation, though I have a feeling he gives less of a shit about the whole thing than he used to.

 

Let me tell you, moving to Las Vegas helped a lot. I'm from Los Angeles though, and even though it's so huge and anonymous I get a little paranoid when I'm back in my home area of it (north county).

[Spiderwire]

Block their emails and don't return their calls. They'll move on to another person soon enough because they're really not being sincere in contacting you. By that I mean to say they're doing what they're doing because they feel it's what they need to do. Everyday life will remove you from their mind and memory - especially since they won't be seeing you in their church anymore. Even with your hubby giving them the green light, they'll soon grow weary of contacting you. Emails and phone messages aren't genuine attempts to personally contact you anyway... it's just checking the block. They'll be leaving you alone soon enough.