I'm Back.

[marie]

I just need this place again.

 

It just seems like they're in my face more, lately- not people close to me; just acquaintances, online and off-. The offers to pray for me because of my mental health (I am having another depression right now, the first one in nearly 7 years), the annoying conversations about "waiting for marriage" within earshot of me, the person on the non-religious-themed message board who told me I'd be facing a fearful Judgment Day, the fact that the Federal government just sunk millions into a fundraising commemorative coin for the Boy Scouts...

 

It just feels like society has been shoving their religion directly into my face more than usual, lately, and my fraying mental health isn't much help (this depression was largely triggered by exhaustion from the constant OCD "vestigial fear of hell" problems, among other reasons).

 

I'm just so tired. It's truly a losing battle with this country, isn't it?

[Guest eejay]

Welcome back, Marie. I can relate as to how it sometimes feels like it's a losing battle. It's a tough world out there, and some of us try so hard to get by, and still get thrown into the mud from time to time, sometimes even by people we don't expect it from. I just know that no matter how hard things get at times, I am still better off knowing that I have to find my own strength from within to take the next step, and not sit back hoping the invisible man will come to my rescue.

[Taphophilia]

Hi Marie,

 

Nice to see you again. I'm sorry to hear about your depression. This place does help many of us.

[marie]

Thanks, you guys, good to hear from you again.

 

I guess I just feel like I need to spend a little time here again & talk about stuff.

 

I was reading some discussion forum about dating & relationships. There was a post from someone whose partner was impotent due to medical disabilities. The able partner was agonizing over contemplating leaving...and, wouldn't you know it, nearly every reply to the thread completely judged the OP, saying crap to the effect of, "Relationships aren't just sex; so if you actually want sex enough to leave over that, you're selfish, and your [impotent] partner deserves better.", yada yada. A few "wait until marriage" types also chimed in. And I'm sitting there at my keyboard, not saying anything, but just utterly flabbergasted at the mentality. Having basic physical needs now makes someone a lousy rotten selfish pig? Wonder where these people learned that kind of thinking?

 

And, yeah, I don't really like to talk about personal matters on the Internet in general, but, I will say that as someone who is neither a virgin anymore, nor a person who could psychologically handle being locked into an asexual marriage if I were in that OP's shoes, I sure felt pretty judged reading that, even if I only lurked at that site in passing.

 

Then, there was the sheer number of people who offered to pray for me when I talked about my having another depression (this was also online, on my blog). I just couldn't help but think to myself, You'll pray for me; but would you actually take the time to TALK to me and be there for me, instead? Would you be there as a friend while I need someone? And, of course, I knew the answer already: Nope. They probably just figured they could do their prescribed good deed with the prayer routine; but they were too self-absorbed to take fifteen minutes out of their time to chat with me sometime, or even stop by and ask how I'm doing more than just that once.

 

Then, there was the guy who told me I'd go to Heaven for my having dropped off a few boxes of nonperishables to his charity food bank, without requesting any tax documentation for it. All I could do was smile politely, not say anything, and drive away feeling like a complete jerk. Couldn't he have just said "Thanks, lady. Have a good one"?

 

Then, I heard about that thing with the Boy Scout coin, and just felt irritated. Can't a little boy just go there and hike some trails & learn how to tie some damn knots, scrape his knees up a little, go kayaking, catch a frigging trout, and just be a plain old all-American kid waiting for his two front teeth to come in? Can a child not just be a child, before the culture warriors set into him already?

 

...

 

Anyway, I am supposed to be starting back on medication very soon, and I intend to stay on it for life, this time. Every single time I've tried to do without, either these depressions come, or the OCD goes nuts. I'm too tired to go it on my own anymore, and therapy never cuts it. I just turned 29 two weeks ago, and I feel 80. I'm just really looking forward to getting the help I need. Maybe, once that happens, I can learn to shrug off crap like this and not feel so crushingly sensitive to it all the time. I don't know...

[chefranden]

Anyway, I am supposed to be starting back on medication very soon, and I intend to stay on it for life, this time. Every single time I've tried to do without, either these depressions come, or the OCD goes nuts. I'm too tired to go it on my own anymore, and therapy never cuts it. I just turned 29 two weeks ago, and I feel 80.

 

I've gone off my depression meds a couple of times too. Not a good idea. I hate 'em though! My poor wife gets that deer in the head lights look when ever I say I'm going to quit again.

 

Here's a queer remedy for your frustrations with the country: Read Howard Zinn's The People's History of the United States. What you will learn from it is that the present dumb shits in charge haven't ruined anything. This country has been like this and worse from the beginning. It gave me political comfort to know that.

[OnceConvinced]

I guess I've got it pretty sweet here in New Zealand really. It seems here that the Christian viewpoint is usually looked down on by the majority. I guess we're becoming a more atheist country all the time. Praise God for that! Hang in there Marie.

[Amethyst]

*Hugs*

 

Welcome back.

 

I think also a lot of the problem is media coverage has been so focused on religion ever since Bush took office, especially after 9/11. It was not as bad during the Clinton years.

 

I'll tell you something that helps me. I just refuse to spend mental energy on asshats anymore. They are most likely never going to change, at least not without a major life event. It's not worth it, really, when I could be spending that energy doing something productive.

[marie]

Here's a queer remedy for your frustrations with the country: Read Howard Zinn's The People's History of the United States. What you will learn from it is that the present dumb shits in charge haven't ruined anything. This country has been like this and worse from the beginning. It gave me political comfort to know that.

 

Eh, I don't know about that. I can remember a time when this place was a lot more tolerant of such stuff- religion was mostly considered a private matter, a behind-closed-doors kind of thing. Nobody really mentioned it in public. It still is that way here in my home state- it's just been other Americans on the Internet lately, who seem to have gotten so far overboard with the moral-values stuff. I suppose things are way different in the South and West of the country, though. Makes me even gladder to be from my state, not to gloat, LOL.

 

I'd still like to have a crack at that book, though. I'll read any new ideas.

 

How is it going with your meds now? I am supposed to get started back on mine this Thursday. Back in the day, I never thought I'd actually be looking forward to this, but I am. As hard as it is dealing with being on the stuff, I really do need it, and it's a relief to just admit it, take it, and have it help.

[marie]

*Hugs*

 

Welcome back.

 

I think also a lot of the problem is media coverage has been so focused on religion ever since Bush took office, especially after 9/11. It was not as bad during the Clinton years.

 

I'll tell you something that helps me. I just refuse to spend mental energy on asshats anymore. They are most likely never going to change, at least not without a major life event. It's not worth it, really, when I could be spending that energy doing something productive.

 

(((hug back)))

 

Yeah, I have noticed a definite change in the social climate since September 11th, now that you mention it. I hadn't thought of that before. It's like people have gone beyond just feeling [understandably, and I am, too] afraid of terrorism, and beyond just feeling national solidarity after it happened [and, again, I have those feelings, too, although I am pretty much a center-moderate politically]. It's like the things that happened since that day have gotten into a part of this country's collective psyche and turned us into a different kind of people. And it's definitely brought out the worst in certain demographics, IMO.

 

It's just such a shock to be dealing with these moral-values types again after we'd made so much progress back in the 1990s.

[marie]

I guess I've got it pretty sweet here in New Zealand really. It seems here that the Christian viewpoint is usually looked down on by the majority. I guess we're becoming a more atheist country all the time. Praise God for that! Hang in there Marie.

 

How's things down there, lately? You guys haven't made the news much these days. Guess things must be pretty much OK, huh?

[Amethyst]

Yeah, I have noticed a definite change in the social climate since September 11th, now that you mention it. I hadn't thought of that before. It's like people have gone beyond just feeling [understandably, and I am, too] afraid of terrorism, and beyond just feeling national solidarity after it happened [and, again, I have those feelings, too, although I am pretty much a center-moderate politically]. It's like the things that happened since that day have gotten into a part of this country's collective psyche and turned us into a different kind of people. And it's definitely brought out the worst in certain demographics, IMO.

 

I think that's exactly it. What happened on 9/11 stunned a lot of people so much that they realized how vulnerable they were and "found" religion again. And of course, they now hate any religious groups that aren't Christian, *especially* Muslims, because they don't think Christians would ever do that sort of thing. Because Bush has put so much fear into the general population of another terrorist attack happening, people are clinging to religion for security, thinking that if they die in an attack, they'll at least get to live forever.

[pitchu]

I'm glad you're back, Marie, but sorry about the suffering you've been enduring.

 

Are you out of that basement (or whatever that windowless space was)? I'd sure like to imagine you in the sunlight, with flowers, again.

[marie]

Thanks, pitch. Wish I had some better news to report.

 

I had gotten thisclose to being able to venture outside my building and start driving around and trying to find a new job again, when the meds they'd had me on, caused a rare cardiac problem found during a routine EKG- talk about a scary foxhole. Turns out that it was most likely the med- I'd never had that problem before, and tested fine again several more times after they cold-turkeyed me off of it.

 

But when I asked what's next, the shrink insisted on either putting me right back onto the med in question, calling my fears of reusing it "obsessive", or putting me back onto SSRIs that give me horrible parkinsonian tremors (and there is early-onset Park in my genetic background, & Doc knows this). No other options. He completely shot down another med I'd successfully & safely used in the past, because he didn't think it was proven effective enough in the studies. He left me unmedicated and depressive for the entire month of June.

 

So, I'm now negotiating with a new shrink to try to get the other, safer drug to be my permanent med. Tomorrow is the day I am supposed to get the prescription started (finally!), so, we'll see, I guess. If this one changes his mind or anything like the last guy did, I really don't know what's next.

 

I am so very tired, just utterly wiped out.

 

You know, sometimes I wish we had the equivalent of a chapel or an empty church, just a place for silent thought and comfort. Just a completely secular place to go light a candle, breathe, and let your worries go for a while. These are the kind of times when I miss that one particular aspect.

[pitchu]

You know, sometimes I wish we had the equivalent of a chapel or an empty church, just a place for silent thought and comfort. Just a completely secular place to go light a candle, breathe, and let your worries go for a while. These are the kind of times when I miss that one particular aspect.

 

Maybe this is why some people have altars set up in their homes -- not a place to get away to, physically, but a place that accommodates a certain state of mind.

 

All the best with getting the meds you want, Marie.

[marie]

He did give me the med I had hoped I could use again. I am supposed to take my first dose in about an hour or two. I am still nowhere near believing in the likelihood of feeling any better. At least the battle for appropriate care seems to be over now, though.

[futurekid]

You know, sometimes I wish we had the equivalent of a chapel or an empty church, just a place for silent thought and comfort. Just a completely secular place to go light a candle, breathe, and let your worries go for a while. These are the kind of times when I miss that one particular aspect.

 

Hello Marie. You know, I think most Catholic churches and chapels are open throughout the week. Here's a nice one for you from the mountains of Colorado.

 

 

You can think of it as a "Chapel of the Hills" if you like.

[marie]

Hello Marie. You know, I think most Catholic churches and chapels are open throughout the week. Here's a nice one for you from the mountains of Colorado.

 

 

You can think of it as a "Chapel of the Hills" if you like.

 

...?!?

 

Why did you just show me a picture of a Catholic chapel, and suggest that I visit one? Is this your idea of a joke?

[chefranden]

How is it going with your meds now? I am supposed to get started back on mine this Thursday. Back in the day, I never thought I'd actually be looking forward to this, but I am. As hard as it is dealing with being on the stuff, I really do need it, and it's a relief to just admit it, take it, and have it help.

 

 

I've been on them for 7 years this time. They make me not very interested in girls. I guess that's ok because I'm old. I also feel like they make me about 25% stupider then without them. And they make it feel like something is pressing on my cheek bones, that drives me nuts sometimes. It's a queer feeling. I see things if I forget a dose. First drug I've ever gotten stoned on by not taking it.

[marie]

Speaking of stoned, man, that's how I feel today- I took the first dose of the new meds last night. Wowie, I feel like Rev. Jim Ignatowski from Taxi, gender diffs notwithstanding.

 

Whaaaat...does a yellowwwww liiiiiiiight MEAN?