oladotun Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 There was always one thing that attracted me to Christianity when I was young - the notion that God was loving and would forgive me and accept me just as I am. I came to realize over time, however, that this "god" is really an illusion, one concocted up by Christians to win followers. I know for a fact now that even if God exists, he is nothing like the ogre that has been created by religion. This is how I got there: I have gotten to the point where Christianity does not do it for me anymore. Yes, sometimes, I still go to church with family members because I don't want them to think that I am crazy or something, but to be honest with you, whenever I hear preachers now, I can't help but think, most of this shit is nonsense and manipulative. I can relate very much to people like Carlton Pearson, a former fundie minister who had a crisis of faith himself, before he embraced a Gospel of inslusion (Universal savlation) and as kicked out of his church denomination. I had to be totally honest with myself in admitting that not only was Christianity doing harm to my mental psyche, I was actually on the verge of insanity and suicide. For too long now, I have tried to appease this god, this god that we are told on one hand is a god of grace, rich in mercy and forgiveness, but then requires an endless sacrifice of obedience that can never be attained (anyone who thinks so has obviously not read the Bible). My main frustration stems from the fact that I have battled clinical depression and an addiction to sex for most of adult life. Of course, it does not take a rocket scientist to realize what the Bible says about sex, sexually immorailty is one of the most preached against sins, and purity is a must. I have struggled in this area, especially since the main outlet of my addiction has been looking at porn. I got rid of my regular internet service, got appropriate filters, got rid of any innapropriate mags, movies or the like that could trigger my addiction, prayed, fasted and did my best to live by the Spirit and not the flesh, but none of this brought any lasting freedom. To make matters worse, the underlying depression that feeds this addiction loos large like an elephant in the room. I have focued and meditated tirelessly on verses in te Bible that talk about the joy we have in Christ, but this lasting joy has elduded me. I would have taken my own life by now, but I know that suicide is seen as the unforgivable sin, and sends you straight to hell – or so they say – I learned this after my mother died by suicide when she was 35, and the church had a very mute reaction to her actions, so much so that the shame led us to not talk about her death in my home until I became an adult (I was 8 when she died). So here you have this God who does not answer my prayers for internal relief and yet whom I am supposed to simply have faith in even when my life Is a living hell. I have gotten tired of the front, the hypocrisy and the endless demands that fundie Christianity puts on the soul. Christianity preaches unconditional love and grace in theory to attract followers, but denies it in practice with an endless demand of rules that can never be followed. It is a form of madness if you ask me…. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deepblue Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 Hi Oladotun, I know what it's like, as I'm in the same boat. All my family and extended family go to church, except me, but I am no longer concerned about it. After a few years of depression life gets easier to manage. I could never read the Bible again, I physically couldn't do it. Nor pray. Now, in some ways life is better. The striving, the endless pursuit of "God" is all over. I do not know what will happen, if anything, when I die. But I will live the rest of my life without fear. Christianity does indeed drive a lot of people insane. Best wishes, Jon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Net Eng Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 Welcome oladotun!! Feel free to rant here and let of some steam. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archangel Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 I went to a small christian college, where a close friend of mine committed suicide, and it was so bizarre that no one would talk about it. I think it was confusing to everyone because if anyone there was the model chrisitan, it was her, so they couldn't reconcile that with the fundamentalist belief that suicide is the ultimate unforgiveable sin that sends you directly to hell. So the result was a permanent awkward silence, and some seeds of serious theological doubt. A few years later, when I was extremely depressed and giving suicide more than a fleeting thought, my faith was no comfort; in fact, it only compounded the guilt and shame I was already feeling with the guilt and shame that comes with being told that I'm depressed because I'm not "spiritual enough", or haven't given enough of myself over to jesus, etc. and that depression itself is sinful and selfish...all the while agonizingly trying to seek god and "lay myself at his feet" and finding and hearing nothing. And god is supposed to heal those who come before him broken and contrite... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oladotun Posted July 14, 2008 Author Share Posted July 14, 2008 I went to a small christian college, where a close friend of mine committed suicide, and it was so bizarre that no one would talk about it. I think it was confusing to everyone because if anyone there was the model chrisitan, it was her, so they couldn't reconcile that with the fundamentalist belief that suicide is the ultimate unforgiveable sin that sends you directly to hell. So the result was a permanent awkward silence, and some seeds of serious theological doubt. A few years later, when I was extremely depressed and giving suicide more than a fleeting thought, my faith was no comfort; in fact, it only compounded the guilt and shame I was already feeling with the guilt and shame that comes with being told that I'm depressed because I'm not "spiritual enough", or haven't given enough of myself over to jesus, etc. and that depression itself is sinful and selfish...all the while agonizingly trying to seek god and "lay myself at his feet" and finding and hearing nothing. And god is supposed to heal those who come before him broken and contrite... I can definitely relate to the guilt and shame part. The very thing that is supposed to bring "joy that surpasses all understanding" was actually making my mental state worse, because it is an endless pursuit of perfection that never ends (even though most fundamentalists say that no one is perfect and don't expect perfection, that is not what is inferred in their preaching). It just got to a point where I could not take it anymore. I noticed that the more religious a person was, the less I wanted to be around them because the harder they were to stand because of endless legalism and judgmentalism....and when I started becoming as judgmental, I knew I had to stop... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oladotun Posted July 14, 2008 Author Share Posted July 14, 2008 .....Christianity does indeed drive a lot of people insane. Best wishes, Jon. What is so sad, is that most fundamentalists cannot even see the damage that their religion is doing to them and others... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 I guess I didn't see the first part of this testimony. I never really experienced evangelical Christianity until the past little while. I went onto an evangelical forum as an atheist. It was the first time I could really pursue some of my questions in all their intensity. My own church never let me; they were too shocked. These people allowed me at first. But they never answered my most important questions. Anyway, I can identify better now with what some of you go through in evangelical churches. I don't know how anyone can come out of there sane and with a conscience and morals intact. Those Christians seemed to have no conscience at all. Nothing is too low-down or evil if it serves the one purpose of their life: To bring more people into the one true church. They were very shallow-minded people and things did not have to hang together or make sense in any other way except to prove their doctrine. It seems a Christian feels he suffered unjustly because I expressed suspicion of him when the things he said did not mesh with the context of the situation. Odulotun, I'm sharing this to assure you that any sensitive and conscientious person would feel suicidal in your situation. If you find it helpful you can read about my analysis of their techniques here (the people of the forum where I was; it may apply to your church). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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